Part 5

JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind, Briget.... He’s that long seafaring knife in his hand, and vows he’ll give somebody the length of it.... I’ll not face him anyway....

MRS. S. You’ll not face him! [_Blazing._] But I’m the lady ’ill face him! [_Stalks to the room._]

_Noise from the room._

JOHN. Your mother’s getting very hard to live with, Peggy. She’s out of one tantrum into another the whole year round. I’ve made myself an old man trying to humour that woman and keep peace in the house, but it’s going to beat me in the end.

_Noise from MRS. S. and PROF._

PEGGY. Listen, father. She’s giving uncle Tim a great tongue thrashing.

JOHN. She won’t shift him. You might as well try to draw the badger.

PEGGY. I thought you were going to take him over to the other farm?

JOHN. The man’s not able to go anywhere! He wants about a month’s sleep. God knows when that man got a dacent sleep. Maybe not for years.

PEGGY. Well, it’s a pity, father. The Kilroys are coming and we can’t take them into the room.

JOHN. What’s the matter with this kitchen?

PEGGY. Not a thing, father. But Mrs. Kilroy’s coming.

JOHN. And who’s Mrs. Kilroy? Is she any better than the rest of us?

PEGGY. Not a whit. But she thinks she is.

JOHN. The priest sits in this kitchen. If it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for Mrs. Kilroy. If she doesn’t think so she needn’t sit down. I’m fair sick of vanity.

PEGGY. Just a word, father, before they come in. Don’t you sign any papers for James Kilroy. Hugh O’Cahan says they have nothing.

JOHN. Do you think I don’t know what Kilroy’s here for? Do you think I don’t know what all the match-making’s about? Ho, the very best. His ill-bred son wants a settlement and there’s nothing to settle him with....

PEGGY. They shan’t settle him with me anyhow.

JOHN. You’re right, Peggy. If I was a nice educated girl like you I’d put a shirt on Hugh O’Cahan. He’s a man with all his faults; and the other’s a prig with all his virtues.

PEGGY. Father, I never thought you could size up people so well.

JOHN. I’m not as soft as I let on, Peggy. By minding my own business I’m a strong farmer. Kilroy by minding other people’s business is a weak one. He’d ruin me now like himself, but he won’t.... I won’t let him.

PEGGY. Mother ’ill be wild if you don’t sign.

JOHN. I know, Peggy. It means civil war. But I’m prepared for war. Your mother treated me very shabby this day. Before them Kilroys too. That’s what stomachs me. It was “Silence, John!” every time I opened my mouth. Your uncle Tim said I was only a scarecrow on my own land, and he wasn’t far wrong. But, by God, the scarecrow’s tired of his job!

_MRS. S. comes in baffled and angry._

MRS. S. Have you pair been here ever since?

JOHN. We were waiting for you to bring out the invader, Briget.

MRS. S. But you couldn’t come in and give me a hand!

JOHN. I knew if you couldn’t shift him yourself, nothing could shift him.

MRS. S. [_to PEGGY_]. Nor you didn’t think it worth while to come!

PEGGY. I was afraid, mother. He was raveling in his sleep. You never knew what he’d do.

MRS. S. Well, put on your apron and lay the table. We’ll have to entertain the Kilroys in the kitchen.

PEGGY. All right, mother. [_Gets cloth._]

MRS. S. [_to JOHN_]. Go you and leave your cowstick outside and put something clean on your neck. You’ll be sitting at the table with Mrs. Kilroy.

JOHN. That’s a great honour.... Peggy, is there a rag of a collar about the house?

PEGGY. Your collar and tie’s here. [_Gets them from drawer._]

JOHN. Put them on me, like a good gerl. My hands is dirty.

MRS. S. And so is your face! Go out and wash your face and hands at the pump.

JOHN. I’ll attend to all that in a minute, Briget.

_PEGGY puts collar and tie on JOHN. MRS. S. goes to room and returns with grand red chair._

MRS. S. If I’d a man like a man, and not a jinny, he’d soon clear the room! [_Goes out for another chair._]

JOHN. She’s working herself up into a serious pucker, Peggy.

PEGGY. Never mind, father.

JOHN. I’m as much to blame as herself. I let her tramp over me at the start. Before you childer grew up I was servant gerl and all here.

_MRS. S. comes in with another chair._

MRS. S. If my three sons were here they’d soon clear the room! [_Goes out for a plant._]

JOHN. You’d think they weren’t my sons, too, to hear her.... If ever you marry, Peggy, never treat a man like that.

PEGGY. Now, now, father. Don’t get vexed with her. After all, she’s a good mother. And she improved you....

JOHN. She improved me, but at a terrible price.

_MRS. S. comes in with large plant._

MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming I’d give you pair a bit of my mind! [_Staring at them_] Are you going to stand there thumbing and fiddling till they walk in?

JOHN. Hurry up, Peggy.

PEGGY. There you are. I’m finished.

JOHN. I’ll go now and have a nice wash at the pump. [_Goes out back._]

MRS. S. Get the tablecloth.

PEGGY [_gets cloth_]. Will you just give them tea in their hands?

MRS. S. I’ll see when the times comes. Straighten the cloth.

_PEGGY puts on cloth. MRS. S. sets plant in centre._

PEGGY [_going towards cupboard_]. I’ll get out the cups....

MRS. S. Never mind the cups. I’ll get them out myself. Put on your apron.

_PEGGY gets an apron and watches MRS. S. nervously. MRS. S. opens cupboard and takes out tea-things. Finally she peers into the lower part and drags out PEGGY’S hat, coat and suitcase._

PEGGY. O--h!

MRS. S. [_very calm_]. What are these things doing here?

PEGGY [_stiffly_]. I don’t know.

MRS. S. When did you put them here?

PEGGY. I don’t know.

MRS. S. Perhaps they don’t belong to you?

PEGGY. I don’t know.

MRS. S. Since you don’t appear to know anything, I must find out for myself. [_Tries to open suitcase._] Where’s the key of this bag?

PEGGY. I don’t know.

MRS. S. [_flies into temper and tries to smash it_]. I’ll smash more than the bag before I’ve finished! There’ll be no runaway matches in my house....

_JOHN hurries in back, drying his face with an old towel._

JOHN. Here they come, Briget! The Royal Procession. James and the wife and Joseph.

MRS. S. Go you and put on your hat and coat and meet them and put in the horse and throw that old towel out of your hand!

JOHN. By the hedges, there’s a fine string of orders! [_Sees suitcase._] What’s this going on?

MRS. S. Step on and do what you’re told!

JOHN. Hokey tattler! [_Going._] As Tim says, it’s like a house of correction. [_Goes out back._]

PEGGY. Father’s getting pretty sick of all this stupid badgering. And so am I.

MRS. S. You are?

PEGGY. I am. It makes life a burden.

MRS. S. If these strangers weren’t coming in I’d give you and your father a lesson you wouldn’t forget....

_PROF. staggers in from room._

PROF. A drink of water, please.

MRS. S. Ooooooooh!

PROF. What’s the matter with you? Gum, you’d think you’d swallowed a tenpenny nail. [_To PEGGY_] A glass of water, pigeon.

_MRS. S. grabs hold of PROF., runs him backward, and shoots him into the room. He is heard falling._

MRS. S. There’s a glass of water for you! [_She picks up hat, coat and suitcase, pitches them into the room, and locks the door._] Now! we’ll see who’s mistress here. From this night forth I’ll rule with an iron rod....

PEGGY. I hear someone coming in....

_MRS. S. smooths hair and dress and goes to back door. MRS. KILROY comes in. She is a big vain countrywoman, aged 45, and dressed in her very best._

MRS. S. W-ell, Mrs. Kilroy! At last! [_They kiss lightly._] It’s a shame to bring you in this way, but the parlour’s turned upside down for the Professor coming....

MRS. K. This is perfection. Nothing would do Mr. Kilroy but I should come over and see Peggy. He has raved all afternoon about Peggy. And for Joseph, I declare the boy’s half crazy.

MRS. S. This is Peggy herself ... just in her apron. Peggy darling, this is Mrs. Kilroy.

MRS. K. [_kissing PEGGY_]. Your girls are all very good-looking, Mrs. Scally, but Peggy’s the pick of the bunch.

MRS. S. The people say that anyway. The others take more after the Scallys, but Peggy favours my own people. She has the Professor’s eyes.

MRS. K. Well, Peggy dear, I hope you’ll make Joseph a good wife. He’s very young and wild and foolish, but you’re a good sensible girl.

PEGGY. I’ll do my best.

MRS. K. That pleases me better than big promises. After all, it’s a great lottery.

MRS. S. Put off your things, Mrs. Kilroy.

MRS. K. I’ll put off this jacket, I’m warm. But I’ll keep on my hat. We haven’t long to stay.

_She takes off jacket, showing a formidable dress and jewellery. _

MRS. S. [_taking jacket_]. I’ll leave your jacket in the hall. Peggy, get Mrs. Kilroy a comfortable chair. [_Goes out left._]

MRS. K. Peggy dear, won’t Rush Hill make a lovely home for you and Joseph?

PEGGY. Beautiful. [_Gets chair for MRS. K._]

MRS. K. [_sits_]. I want to ask you one thing before your mother comes in. Joseph says Hugh O’Cahan walked in here this morning and threw down your presents and told you to make jam of them. Is that true, Peggy?

PEGGY. Quite true, Mrs. Kilroy.

MRS. K. Well, that relieves my mind more than words can say.... I hear he’s going off to-night, so you’re rid of him for life and for ever. You don’t happen to know where he’s going.

PEGGY. I think Australia.

MRS. K. That’s the place for him. The farther away the better. For I’d be afraid of Joseph quarrelling with him. Joseph’s that hasty.

_MRS. S. comes in and locks door._

MRS. S. Are the men not in yet? [_Sits._]

MRS. K. Oh, they’ll be looking at the cattle. Joseph’s a great judge of cattle. He was at the Agricultural College, you know. [_To PEGGY_] Peggy dear, would you mind telling them to come in? We haven’t long to stay, for Mr. Kilroy has a Council meeting to-night....

_PEGGY goes out back._

MRS. S. Your husband’s a very busy man.

MRS. K. Fearful! I hardly ever see him. Fairs and markets and council meetings and political meetings. You may guess, one of the childer asked him the other day--“Daddy, where do you live?”

MRS. S. He’s a great man.

MRS. K. And he thinks you’re a great business woman. But indeed I’ve heard many a one praising your management. So I want to ask you about the match. Are you content with everything?

MRS. S. And was from the very first. But what about yourself? Are you content?

MRS. K. Now that I’ve seen Peggy and talked to her, I’m more than content. I’m pleased and happy.

MRS. S. Thank goodness to hear that! We’ll have the wedding immediately.

MRS. K. That brings me to what I want to say, Mrs. Scally. James--I won’t call him Mr. Kilroy any more--tells me you’ve a brother a Professor coming here.

MRS. S. Yes. I’d a letter this morning.

MRS. K. Where does he reside usually?

MRS. S. He travels a great deal.

MRS. K. James said he thought he was a Professor in Edinboro’ University.

MRS. S. No, I don’t think he belongs to that University. He travels a great deal in foreign countries.

MRS. K. Well, dear, you’ll maybe think me a very vain woman. But I’d like to have the Professor at the wedding. It would give a bit of tone to it and lift it above the ordinary country wedding.

MRS. S. I’d like to have the Professor there myself. But it mightn’t fit in with his plans.

MRS. K. Could we not make our plans fit in with his?

MRS. S. Perhaps we could. I’ll see. If it can possibly be arranged I’ll have him at the wedding.

MRS. K. That’s grand. I’m glad I mentioned it. I’m content now.

_PEGGY comes in back._

PEGGY. They’re coming in. They were looking at the new binder....

_KILROY, JOSEPH, and JOHN come in back. JOHN has on his black coat and hat._

KILROY. Well, have you ladies had a nice sumptuous crack about the latest hats and all the falderals?

MRS. S. We never mentioned a hat, James, nor a falderal. But we’d a very pleasant chat just the same.

KILROY [_slapping wife’s shoulder_]. Doesn’t this caretaker of mine wear well?

MRS. S. Remarkable! She’s still the best-looking woman and the best put-on woman that comes into the chapel.

KILROY. Do you hear that, Ellen? [_Slaps._] And that’s from a lady that flatters nobody. [_Slaps._] She’s as good as new, Briget.

MRS. K. Sit down now and behave yourself. If I was gone you’d have a young one before a week.

KILROY. Haha! She wouldn’t say that so gaily if she believed it.

MRS. S. Not a bit of her.... Now, Peggy, make the tea.

_PEGGY sees them all seated at table, then starts making tea._

JOHN. Strong, Peggy. I want a good strong cup. [_Holds his head._]

MRS. S. Joseph, you’re very quiet.

MRS. K. That’s because I’m here.

JOSEPH [_mutters_]. Awwwwwh! [_Hangs his head._]

_MRS. S. takes a bottle of wine and glasses from cupboard._

MRS. S. This won’t do anybody any harm. It’s only wine. [_Pours a glass for each._] Will you have some, Peggy? It’s not every night this happens.

PEGGY. Thanks, mother. I’ll wait and have tea.

MRS. S. All right, dear. [_Puts round the wine._]

KILROY [_stands up_]. I’m not going to make a speech. I’m only going to say a few words. Briget, I want you and my Ellen to be very great friends. Very great friends. In fact, this wedding ’ill make us more than friends. It’ll make us near relations....

MRS. S. Hear, hear!

KILROY. With your own two farms and Rush Hill all lying in together, we practically own the landscape....

_PROF. makes a racket at room door._

PROF. [_off_]. Open this door!

KILROY [_shudders but tries to proceed_]. We’ll drink now to the prosperity of the young couple. That they may ... may ... may may.... [_He can’t get another word._]

PROF. [_giving door a heavy thud_]. Open up, you clodhoppers! Or I’ll batter it down.

MRS. S. [_in desperation_]. Go on, James! Go on with your speech....

KILROY. That they may ... may ... always ... always ... always ... have the grace ... grace ... grace ... to always....

_Another heavy smash on the door._

PROF. [_off, yells_]. Open! Open! Open this door.

MRS. K. [_frightened_]. In God’s holy name, who’s that?

PROF. [_off, loudly_]. It’s me! Professor Tim! Sister Briget has locked me in--trying to hide me! [_Kicks the door._]

KILROY. Ah, Mrs. Scally! [_Collapses on chair._]

MRS. S. [_rising_]. I may just as well tell the truth, Mrs. Kilroy. It’s my brother. And he’s no credit to me. He’s not the man I expected.

MRS. K. Not the Professor, is it?

PROF. [_off_]. It is the Professor! Professor Tim. Open up!

JOHN. You may open the door, Briget.

MRS. S. He’s not ... not presentable.

JOHN. If you don’t open the door he’ll present himself. He’ll come through it.

MRS. S. [_goes to open door_]. Lie down on the sofa, Tim. And rest yourself. We’ve visitors.

PROF. [_off_]. Open up! Amn’t I a visitor, too?

MRS. S. Ah, this is cruel!

_She unlocks door and PROF. comes in._

PROF. You thought you’d killed me, Briget. Eh?

MRS. S. Whisht, now.... You tripped over something.

PROF. I tripped over nothing at all. You gimme a heave that sent me heels over kettle.... Here, feel this lump.... [_on his head_].

MRS. S. Nonsense, Tim. You only imagine things....

PROF. Imagination doesn’t raise a lump on a man’s head like an onion. [_Fingers lump gingerly._]

MRS. S. Your head’s all wrong.

PROF. My head was all right till you smashed it.

MRS. S. [_to company_]. He’s half dazed....

PROF. I’m whole dazed with that unmerciful fall you gimme. [_Draws knife._] For two pins I’d slit you!

MRS. K. [_screams_]. Oh, James! he’s a knife.

_MRS. S. runs away. PEGGY goes to PROF._

PEGGY. Give me that knife. [_She gets knife._] I’ll keep it safe, uncle.

PROF. You’d better, pigeon. For that’s the knife I cut my food and baccy with.

PEGGY. Come and sit down.

PROF. [_coming to table_]. Hallo, all! Who’s this smashing big heifer in the hat?

MRS. K. [_afraid_]. James!

KILROY. It’s all right, Ellen. He’ll not touch you. [_To PROF._] That’s my wife, sir, Mrs. Kilroy. Isn’t she a good specimen?

PROF. Gum, I should say so. She’s like a Burmese idol.

MRS. K. [_jumps up_]. James Kilroy, I’m going out of this place!

PROF. Sit down, dear. Sit down. I won’t eat you. You’re not my style of muslin....

MRS. K. How dare you speak to me!... James Kilroy, both you and your son told me a parcel of lies! You told me this man was a Professor in Edinburgh University....

PROF. Gum, that was a whopper.

MRS. K. And Mrs. Scally backed you up in deceiving me! [_To MRS. S._] You and your Professor! A drunken sailor! [_Marches out back._]

KILROY [_rising_]. Come back, Ellen. Don’t go away.... [_To MRS. S._] Briget, get this man put out of the road. Put him in the churn and put the lid on him.... I’ll fetch Ellen back in a minute.... [_Hurries out back._]

PROF. I’m tired. [_Sits._]

JOSEPH. Will this matter to you and me, Peggy?

PEGGY. It won’t matter to me, Joseph.

JOSEPH. No, nor to me.... I don’t care if the Professor was ten times as bad a case.... Nor my father doesn’t care either....

PROF. Nor your mother won’t care either, Joseph.... Wait till she hears what your father has to say outside. She’ll come in and eat out of my hand....

JOSEPH. Awwwh!

PROF. What are you trying to say? Gum, if I strike you I’ll change the whole shape of your face. You oaf.

MRS. S. Tim, I’ll forgive you a lot if you go and lie down in the room for half an hour....

PROF. I don’t think you’ve a great lot to forgive.... I think I’m the injured party....

_KILROY and MRS. K. come in back. He is very red and embarrassed, she very crestfallen._

KILROY. We’re all right now. Sit down, Ellen. Sit down.

_KILROY and MRS. K. resume their places at table._

PROF. Mrs. ... Mrs. ... Kilroy, I apologise. I’ll behave myself like a gentleman and a scholar. I’m tired.

KILROY. There now, Ellen. He won’t bother us again. He’s not that bad after all. [_Takes up glass._] Come on now. Let’s all be the best of friends. Here’s luck and prosperity and wedding bells. Drink up, Ellen....

_All drink._

PEGGY. Uncle, will you have some wine?

PROF. No, dear. I’ve the pledge, for life.

MRS. S. Tea, Peggy.

_PEGGY is pouring out tea when MR. ALLISON comes in back. He has a bundle of papers in his hand._

ALLISON. Well, Professor, are you still here?

PROF. No, I’m evaporated.

KILROY. Nothing wrong, Mr. Allison?

ALLISON. Not a thing the matter, James. I was over at your place and was told you were here. The Bank wants this agreement signed by you and John Scally to-night....

JOHN. Me! What does the Bank want me to sign?

MRS. S. Silence, John!

JOHN. This is too sarious for silence! [_To ALLISON_] What business have you or the Bank with me?

MRS. S. James Kilroy bought Rush Hill on the understanding that you would go in with him as security....

JOHN. James Kilroy never mentioned the like to me!

MRS. S. But he mentioned it to me! I said you’d do it and you shall!

JOHN [_bouncing up_]. Well, I’m cursed if I shall!

PROF. Bully Johnny! Your “shall’s” not geographically correct, but that’s only a detail.

JOHN. I know myself what I mean. I’ll sign no bills! No bills. [_Sits._]

MRS. S. Mr. Allison, have you the papers here?

ALLISON. Yes, ma’am. [_Takes paper from bundle._]

MRS. S. Hand it to me and a pen.

ALLISON [_gives her both_]. Your husband signs there [_points_].

PROF. Now, Johnny! You’re going to get your new spine tested.

MRS. S. [_places pen and paper under JOHN’S nose_]. John Scally, you never disobeyed me since the morning I married you! I told James Kilroy to buy Rush Hill and you would sign this paper. He’s making a home for your daughter. Now then. Take the pen in your hand and write your name....

JOHN [_wavering_]. I’d rather not, Briget....

MRS. S. Lift the pen!

JOHN [_picks up pen, he is trembling violently_]. I know nothing about Banks or bills....

MRS. S. Write your name!

JOHN [_hesitating_]. I know in my heart I shouldn’t do this....

PROF. Johnny Scally! if you sign that paper every small boy in the parish ’ll laff at you.

JOHN [_throws down pen and jumps up_]. I’m cursed over again if I sign it! [_Sweeps pen and paper and tumblers off table._] Take the whole thing away to blazes out of my sight and sign it yourselves!

PROF. Bully Johnny! That’s the first time I’ve ever seen you in pants.

JOHN [_raging_]. I’ll not be made a scarecrow of any longer! Nobody ever signed a bill for me, and I’ll sign nothing for no man! [_Sits down._]

MRS. S. I’ll not affront myself before these people, John, but I’ll make you rue this night’s work.

JOHN. From this night forth--aye, from this minute--you’ll take your own place in this house and I’ll take mine!

PROF. Sit down, sister. You’re beaten to the ropes. Your despotic reign is over. Johnny’s cock of the walk.

_O’C. comes in back. He wears a tweed suit and has an overcoat and suitcase._

O’C. I apologise for interrupting the picnic. But I want one word with you, Mr. Allison.

ALLISON. Shall we go outside?

O’C. It isn’t necessary. I’m going off to-night. There’s the key of Rush Hill. That’ll save you any trouble.

ALLISON [_taking key_]. O’Cahan, you’re a prince.

O’C. Don’t mention it.

_PEGGY goes off quietly to the room._

ALLISON. I’ve a car, Hugh. Won’t you let me drive you in?

O’C. I’ll be very glad of a lift. I don’t think I ever walked to town in my life. [_Turns to JOHN_] John, I owe you forty pounds for a foal.

JOHN [_angrily_]. You owe me nothing! You buried the foal....

O’C. [_taking out roll of money_]. You couldn’t help that, John. It might as readily have won the Derby. There’s your money. [_Lays it on the table._]

JOHN. Will you take a luckpenny?

O’C. A luckpenny for a dead foal! Ah, John, that’s too thin!

JOHN. Will you let me shake hands with you?

O’C [_holding out his hand_]. I’m very glad you want to, John. [_They shake._]

JOHN. Good-bye, Hugh. And remember this: John Scally always wished you well.

O’C. Thanks, John. I always thought so.

_PEGGY comes in dressed for travelling._

PEGGY. Now, Hugh. Are you ready?

MRS. S. [_jumps up_]. What! Where are you going, Peggy?