Part 8

PAUL. I’ve a brother in Chicago--a lath-and-plasterer--making exactly that sum, melady.... But I mustn’t be interrupting the good work.... [_Looks about the floor_] I thought my spatula was here, but it must be outside. [_Goes out back._]

DAISY. Say, ain’t he mannerable?

DEEGAN. He can pass himself very well.

DAISY [_takes out the draft_]. Ah, here we are.... It’s only for three thousand bucks--about six hundred pounds. You just have a squint, Mr. Deegan, and see if it’s correctly drawn.

DEEGAN [_scans it carefully_]. It’s drawn on the local bank, Ballybullion.

DAISY. Yeah, the local bank. It’s got a branch in Ballybullion, has it?

DEEGAN. Certainly so.... And, better still, I do business there myself and know the manager intimately.

DAISY. Why, dear Mr. Deegan, you’re a real public benefactor.

DEEGAN [_hands her back all papers_]. I’m going into the town to-morrow morning, and I’ll give myself the pleasure of driving you to the bank, and if you require my signature, I’ll be at your side.

DAISY. Why, my dear friend! I thank you over and over again, and then some.

DEEGAN [_takes off his specs._]. No thanks at all, Miss Mullan. I’m very pleased to be able to oblige you, and more than pleased to see how well you have succeeded abroad. [_Draws forward armchair_] Take this chair, if you please, till I call my son Daniel.

DAISY [_sits down, laughing_]. Say, Mr. Deegan, you’re such a professor of human kindness. You might put in a good word for me with your son Dan or some other likely feller in the settlement. I allus said I’d never marry a Yankee, and you bet I’ve kept my word.

DEEGAN. I’m going to recommend you to my son Daniel. This house and ninety-five acres of freehold will be his portion. He’s a good steady boy, free of all vice.

DAISY. Say, Mr. James Deegan, I hope you ain’t joshing me. Mind, I’m plum-serious. Yes, sir, if you can offer me a loose proposition like Dan Deegan, I’m just going to prance right in and grab.... I can put a few thousands into this ranch and make things buzz like a top.

DEEGAN. I’m not a frivolous man, Daisy Mullan. I’m a serious man, and particularly serious in matters affecting my own house and family.

DAISY [_sets her hat_]. Then you can’t have Den too blamed speedy on the tape for mine. Is he in?

DEEGAN. He should be in this room. [_Pausing._] I’ll leave you together after the introduction. You may have to encourage him a little.

DAISY [_giggles_]. Gee! Am I to do the sparking, am I?

DEEGAN. That will depend on how he behaves. [_Opens room door_] Are you here, Daniel?

DAN [_inside_]. Ay, I’m fixing myself.

DEEGAN. You’ll do very well. Come forth. [_DAN comes out in an ill-fitting ready-made suit._] Miss Mullan, my son Daniel.

DAISY [_leaps up_]. Why, my! it’s Den! Not a shaving of differs since we was boy and gel at school. [_Grabs his hand._] And how is it, Den? Purt good, I guess, eh?

DAN [_smothering_]. Oh, fairish, fairish, fairish!

DAISY. And, like myself, Den, you ain’t married yet, are you?

DAN. Not yet--not yet.... Nor no notion o’t. [_Backs away._]

DAISY [_sits down_]. Draw up a chair, Den, and let’s have a gibber about the old schooldays....

DEEGAN [_after a pause_]. Come, boy; have you nothing to say for yourself?

DAN. I don’t mind much about my schooldays. I never was many days at the school.

DAISY. Waal, set right down, Den, and I’ll stir up your recollection some.

DEEGAN [_brings another chair_]. Come forward, boy.

DAN [_aside_]. God help me now, amen! [_Sits down._]

DEEGAN. Now, both of you are aware of what I have in mind. So I want no delays. Making a match is like swopping horses--the less one knows about the other the better.... You have my permission to proceed. [_He goes into the room and shuts the door._]

DAISY [_making eyes at DAN_]. Say, Den, ain’t this dinky? A-setting at our own fireside, like Darby and Joan, ain’t we? [_Draws her chair closer._] What a swell picture-postal we’d take--and you with your arm round me--eh?

DAN [_bounces up_]. The Lord stand between me and the snares of Satan, amen!

DAISY. What’s the trouble, Den?

DAN. I’m a dacent boy. That’s the trouble.

DAISY [_rising_]. But, my dear Den, we gotta get married, or dad will be so mad.

DAN [_retreats, and is followed by DAISY_]. That’s nice talk--about marriage--afore you know me five minutes.... Keep back now. Don’t surround me.

DAISY. You ain’t skeert, Den, are you?

DAN. Oh, I can defend myself--if it comes to that!... Keep back.... Don’t swarm in on me. [_Moves backwards._]

DAISY [_following him_]. If you ain’t skeert, why run back aways, like that? Why not halt and talk?

DAN [_warding her off_]. Don’t crowd me, now! Keep a civil distance off me.... [_Moves on._]

DAISY. Now, Denny, you know blamed well you just love your own Daisy. Ain’t it so? Mind, I ain’t a gel to chase a man around.

DAN. Back, back, back! [_Picks up the shovel._]

DAISY [_halts_]. Look ahyar, young man. Are we going to make a contract, yea or nay? Now speak.

DAN. No contracts ... no contracts.... I’m not a marrying man....

DAISY. Then I guess that ends the courtship. Let’s tell dad. [_She goes towards the room._]

DAN. Hi, wait a minute! [_Scratches his head._] That would be twartin’ him....

DAISY [_comes back_]. How now, Denny? Changed your mind, have you?

DAN [_feebly_]. I dunno what to do.... God help me, amen!

DAISY [_taking his arm_]. Let’s set down like sensible folks, Denny, and I’ll tell you what to do. [_They sit down._] Now, Den, this ain’t no boy-and-gel love-affair. This is a deal. Your dad has seen my papers and they suit him. He needs my money to finish this here house, and you can’t have the dollars without Daisy. [_Draws closer._] Now, Den, it’s your move.... Don’t be skeert to offend me....

_DENIS M’GOTHIGAN and ROSE come in back. DENIS is a sturdy little farmer with a full beard._

DENIS. Well, are ye foolin’ another gerril, Dan? Is’t not enough to fool my daughter, without foolin’ the whole naberhood?

DAN [_jumps up_]. I’m in flames, but this is a judgment! [_Stands gazing blankly at DENIS._] Mind, my fader’s in that room, Denis. If he comes out he’ll martyr me.

DENIS. Oh, the sooner he hears what I have to say the better. [_Shouts._] I’ve no cows grazed with James Deegan, LL.D. I disregard the ould lan’ grabber or the breed of him....

_OLD DEEGAN comes from the room._

DAN [_wringing his hands_]. Oh, I wisht the ground would open its mouth and swalley me!

DEEGAN. Small farmers have large voices. Whom are you threatening now, Denis?

DENIS. I’m come to see about this match between your fool son and my daughter. It was noan of my seekin’ nor my makin’. But the job’s done now, and I’ll make him toe the line, or I’ll know for why. He’ll not make a laughin’-stock of my daughter. [_Stamps his foot._] I’m damned if he will!

DEEGAN. Have you anything in writing, Denis?

DENIS. No, but I’ve good eye-witness. Paul Twyning seen and heard the engagement....

_PAUL comes in back._

PAUL. Who’s taking Paul’s name in vain? Paul Twyning is a stranger in your midst and doesn’t want his name mixed up in this rural squabble at all.

DAN. That’s right, Paul. Deny everything.

DENIS [_hotly to PAUL_]. Ye were an eye-witness! Ye were an eye-witness! [_Menaces PAUL._] If ye deny it, I’ll smash ye!

PAUL [_flies off the handle_]. Hell recaive the mongrel in the nine counties of Ulster can put them up to Paul Twyning! [_Squares out._] Come on now--the whole three of you! [_Knocks the hat off DENIS._] Come on, I say! For three month in this barren country has left me blue-moulding for a fight....

DEEGAN. Order! I’ll not have my house turned into a Dublin doss-house.

DAN. That’s right, fader. You know the law.

DEEGAN [_slaps DAN_]. How dare you speak a word, sir! I’ll take the belt to you later.

DAN. God help me, amen. I’m always blamed.

DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, promise or no promise, you have no case. My prodigal son has nothing here but the name.

DENIS. Ho, heth, we’ll see about that! The prodigal can claim for sarvent’s wages.... Oh, by the holy, you’ll not twist Denis.... I’ve a witness and a ring and a conversation-lozenger....

DAN. It’s a lie!

ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!

DENIS. Hand me that lozenger, gerril. [_ROSE gives him a big broad sweet._] Wait till the jury hears this. [_Reads._]

“I love you very dearly, And if you love me, In spite of wind and weather We shall married be.”

DAN. It’s a lie. I never had that lozenger in my possession. It was a wee peppermint I give her....

ROSE. Oh, Dan, Dan!

DAN. Oh, it’s easy for you to “Dan, Dan.” But it’s me’s fighting for my life.

ROSE. And there’s the ring. [_Holds up her hand._]

DAN. That’s not my ring at all. It’s Paul Twyning’s ring. He picked it up--or stole it from the pilgrims--at Lisdoonvarna.

PAUL. Dan Deegan, mind what you’re saying, or I’ll clout you one on the ear.

DAN. I mind rightly what I’m saying. I’m in flames, but I mean to clear myself!

DEEGAN. Denis M’Gothigan, the courts are open to you. But I think it my duty to inform you that the defendant is about to emigrate....

DAN [_bursts out crying_]. A bad end to you, Paul Twyning!... This is what comes of bad company.... I was a happy boy till I met you.... [_Sobs bitterly._]

PAUL. The prayers of the wicked hath no travalley. Dan! You’ve gone the pace and must take the consequences.

ROSE [_crying_]. Don’t emigrate him, Mr. Deegan. I don’t care about myself ... but don’t emigrate Dan.

DENIS [_grabs ROSE_]. Come on, m’gerrill! I’ll have noan of this whumpering.... I’ll have damages, or rid the country of him. [_Leads ROSE out back._]

PAUL. You’ll be another Columcille, Dan. You won’t even get back to Ireland blindfolded.... [_Looks about the floor._] Well, begorry, after I searching the whole place, outside and in, there is my spatula! [_Picks it up and goes into the room._]

DEEGAN [_roars at DAN_]. Go and take off your good clothes--you damned prodigal scoundrel, you!

_DAN goes into the room blubbering._

DAISY [_rising_]. I feel downright sorry for you, Mr. Deegan. I do.

DEEGAN. I’m obliged to you, Miss Mullan. But this is not my first trouble of the kind. I had to banish four other sons and two daughters for disobedience, and this lad’s by far the worst of the lot.

DAISY. It’s a plum shame the way your family have treated you. Here you are with a noo house and a large farm, and no one to look after you but a few servants. It’s a downright crime. [_The room door is opened cautiously, and DAN is seen to listen._] Why, my dear friend, what you want is a good-hearted young woman to look after you and take an interest in you.

DEEGAN. I wish I had thought of that fifteen years ago.... I’m too old now.

DAISY. Too old! Why, you’re a fresher man than your son Dan. In America a man of your age is dancing and flirting and only beginning to enjoy life.

DEEGAN. It’s good of you to flatter an old man. [_Lays his hand on her shoulder_] If I had met you ten or twelve years ago, I might have put a certain question to you.

DAISY. If you’d met me ten years ago, you’d have met a comparatively poor gel, for I’ve made all my money in the last decade.... But ain’t it better late than never?

DEEGAN [_animated_]. Mind what you’re saying, Daisy. My heart is younger than my face.

DAISY. I know fine what I’m saying, Jimes. And I repeat--ain’t it better late than never?

DEEGAN. You would give me a new lease of life, Daisy.

DAISY. I sure would, dear.

DEEGAN. I’m not after your money, Daisy. I would make you an assignment of everything I possess in the world.

DAISY. And I’d take care you wanted for nothing, dear.... I’d have your house and garden the talk of this here settlement.... Out there in front of the door I’d have a double hedge of sweet-pea....

DEEGAN [_drops on one knee and takes her hand_]. Daisy, will you marry me...?

DAN [_shouts_]. Paul, Paul! Quick! The ould man’s down on his knees.... Good God! the man that shook hands with Parnell himself....

_PAUL dashes from the room._

PAUL. Congratulations ... congratulations! Is it all settled?

DAISY. Why, sure! He’s asked me to marry him, and my answer is--Yaas!

PAUL. And I have great pleasure in being a witness. [_Aside_] And ten to one I’ll be called.

_Curtain_

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ACT II

_The following day--forenoon._

_A drinking-room in Patrick Deegan’s public-house. There is a door to the kitchen, one to the bar, and a side door to the yard._

_PATRICK DEEGAN, a big, rough man with a whiskey nose, comes in from the bar, followed by PAUL TWYNING and DAN DEEGAN._

PATRICK. Now don’t all spake at once. Keep you your tongue in your teeth, Dan, and let Paul Twyning that has travelled the world and seen something in his time tell me about this calamity.... One thing we all know: if Mullan had the ould man on his knees, she never let him up till he settled the business.

_MRS. DEEGAN, a grey-haired woman with a troubled face, looks in from the bar._

MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick dear, won’t you let me come in and hear the rest of it?

PATRICK. Away to blazes, you, and mind the bar! If I want your advice I’ll for send you. I never had an hour’s luck since the day I tane you.

MRS. DEEGAN. Well, well. Maybe you’ll get rid of me, and you’ll have good luck then. [_She turns to go._]

PATRICK. Here! bring us a taste of something to drink.... What’s yours, Paul?

PAUL. Plain whiskey.

DAN. Me a wee taste of wine.

PATRICK. Wine the devil! [_To MRS. DEEGAN_] Three glasses of whiskey from the wee jar in the gas-meter. Fly now!

MRS. DEEGAN [_comes back_]. Patrick Deegan, are you wild mad? If you taste whiskey this day and your father coming in--I know what ’ill happen. He’ll sign this house over to Daisy Mullan, and we’ll be left homeless....

PATRICK. Shut up your long face and bring the whiskey. Could I do business without a good rosener to steady me? Fly now.

MRS. DEEGAN. Oh, very well. You’ll see who’s right and who’s wrong before the chapel bell rings six. [_She goes out to the bar._]

PATRICK. Take sates, boys. I couldn’t sit down myself, I’m that through-over.

_PAUL and DAN sit down at the table. MRS. DEEGAN comes in with three glasses on a tray._

PAUL. Here’s good luck and good health....

PATRICK. Don’t drink a minute, Paul. I want to ask you one question. Are you on our side or the ould man’s? Mind, a five-pound note never raired Pat Deegan. If you help me to manœuvre him into making me an assignment of this house the day--I’ll not forget a friend.

PAUL. I’m dead again the ould man on principle.

PATRICK. That’s the style, by Mozes! On what principle, Paul?

PAUL. That a man of seventy-five should be thinking about his sowl instead of his honeymoon.

PATRICK. A new proverb, by Mozes! We’ll drink to that afore we say another word. [_Raising his glass_] Here’s a plague on the ould Yankee Mullan that has brought all this trouble on quiet, dacent people.

_All drink._

MRS. DEEGAN. Patrick dear, Jim’s in the bar. Won’t you let me stay and hear what you’re going to do?

PATRICK. Aye, certainly, Janey.... Heth, I don’t know who has a better right to hear the outs and ins of it than my own Janey. [_MRS. DEEGAN sits._] Now, Paul, you’re the man I want to hear. What’s your opinion of the whole tragedy?

PAUL. Well, in the first place, I think your father--God forgive him--has treated his fine family worse than the mud on the road. Four sons and two daughters banished, the boy Dan about to be pushed out with the grey ribs in his hair, and yourself a cottier with no more fixity of tenure than one of Clanricarde’s tenants in the evil days.

PATRICK [_grabs MRS. DEEGAN_]. D’ye hear that? D’ye hear what a smart man that has paraded the world says? Is them my own words a-fifty times over?

MRS. DEEGAN. Oh, indeed, many a time you said that, Patrick.

PATRICK. Purceed, Paul.

PAUL. And the worst--the saddest feature of all--James Deegan is an able man.

PATRICK. Able! A man that shook hands with Parnell himself. A man that addressed the gowned judges in the Four Courts of Dublin. Aye, by Mozes, he’s an able man!

PAUL. But, like every great man of ancient or modern times, James Deegan has made a mess in the last lap.

PATRICK. Aye, look at ould Gladstone, and Parnell himself.

PAUL. I almost despair of my own sex when I see James Deegan--a white-haired man, as grave and solemn as his own memorial--making love on his two knees to an ould washed-out Yankee cook.

PATRICK. By Mozes, it’s no wonder you despair.

MRS. DEEGAN. Now you’ll blether on till he comes in. Then you’ll have less to say.

PAUL. The lady is right. He’ll be in soon, for we passed him and his fiancée in the trap within half a mile of town. Myself and Dan were in the creamery-waggon, and we covered up with empty sacks that he wouldn’t see us.

MRS. DEEGAN. In God’s name, will Daisy Mullan take him?

PAUL. Would a duck swallow a dew-worm?

MRS. DEEGAN. Has she property in America?

PAUL. I don’t know about the property, but she has more deeds and documents in her vanity-bag than would do the Congested Districts Boord.... And she’ll have more before night comes, for he’ll sign the farm over to her this day in front of an attorney....

PATRICK. Oh, my head, my head! [_Holds his head._] By Mozes, I’m wake!

MRS. DEEGAN. Why didn’t you take her yourself, Dan, if she wants a man?

PAUL. Poor Dan has his own troubles.... Isn’t he pledged to Rose M’Gothigan?

PATRICK. What! Pledged to who?

PAUL. Keep cool now, for pity’s sake.... How could Dan be wise and his father a fool? He’d the misfortune to speak to Rose, and she consented....

PATRICK [_reaching for DAN_]. For two straws I’d bring the win’pipe out in my hand! I see it all now. You were sitting humpt up beside her the whole night of the dance.... It’s you has riz the devil in the ould man.... [_Reaches again._] I’ll fetch the win’pipe....

DAN. Don’t touch me now! I’m in flames, if I’ll stand it.

PAUL. Leave Dan alone, Patrick. Isn’t he well enough punished, and he about to be shipped to a foreign shore?

_JIM DEEGAN, a thin boy of eighteen, comes in from the bar._

JIM. I say, I say! My granda’s away driving up the street, with a woman in the trap....

PATRICK. And did he not think worth his while to stop at the door?

JIM. He never looked in as much as.

PAUL. He’s taking Daisy up to the bank. She has a Yankee draft to cash, and he’s going to endorse it.

PATRICK. He’ll rue that, by Mozes! I never seen a Yankee draft yet worth tuppence. [_To JIM_] Away you out to the bar, boy.... Away now, afore I lift something and split your skull.

JIM. What’s wrong, da?

PATRICK. Away, and don’t ask so many questions. You’d talk as much as your mother.... Away--afore I lift this table and brain you.

JIM. Is my granda going to marry that woman, da?

PATRICK. Aye, he wants a wife instead of a coffin.... Go on, now, like a good wee son, and mind the bar. That’s a boy!

JIM. And will he not lay me the farm--and me called for him?

DAN. Flames to you! what right have you to the farm?

JIM. Da, won’t you....

PATRICK. Will you go and mind the bar? [_Makes a race at him._] By Mozes, I’ll lame you! [_JIM runs out._] Your mother has you spoiled.

PAUL [_rising_]. I don’t want the ould man to know I’m in the town at all, for he left me plastering the parlour room.... I’ll sit in the kitchen and sip a bottle of stout.... Come along, Dan.

_PAUL and DAN go off right._

PATRICK. This is a tragedy! Daisy Mullan ’ill revenge herself on me....

MRS. DEEGAN [_rising_]. What has Daisy Mullan against you?

PATRICK. I coorted her awhile about thirty years ago.

MRS. DEEGAN. Och, she was lucky didn’t get you. She’ll have forgot all about it.

PATRICK. Will she indeed! She’ll mind it rightly. [_Looks wild._] I’ll go and get blind drunk....

MRS. DEEGAN. You’ll do nothing of the kind. You’ll leave everything to me. Who knows but this is all for good? If he ships Dan, we might be able to stop the wedding, and then Jim would get the farm after all.

PATRICK. If you can manage that I’ll buy you the best pair of slippers in Ballybullion. I will, by Mozes!

_JIM rushes in._

JIM. I say, I say! My granda’s away into the yard ... the woman’s in the bank. And Denis M’Gothigan and his daughter Rose is away into Attorney Dawson’s....

MRS. DEEGAN. Well, well! One thing at once. You’re like all the Deegans--you won’t make anything smaller. [_To PATRICK_] Go out, Patrick, and help your father to put in the mare ... and don’t let on you know a ha’porth.

PATRICK. I’ll be as nice as ninepence at first. But if he doesn’t sign this house over to me this day I’ll give him and ould Daisy a wedding-present, by Mozes! [_Goes out the side-door to the yard._]

JIM. Ma, what’s wrong?

MRS. DEEGAN. Don’t bother me, son.

JIM. My granda looks powerful stern.

MRS. DEEGAN. Well, be you very glad to see him when he comes in, and remind him that you’re called for him.

JIM. Heth, I will, ma. But if he doesn’t lay me the farm or gimme six hunnert pound, I’ll tell him another story some day!

MRS. DEEGAN [_with energy_]. Here, listen to me. Take the wee bottle and sixpence, and tell the druggist to fill it for your ma.... And don’t let anybody see what you’re getting.... Just slip the wee bottle to the druggist. He’ll know what you want.

JIM. All right, ma. [_Goes out quickly._]

MRS. DEEGAN [_removes the tray_]. He’ll sign nothing over to Daisy Mullan this day if I can stop it!... The old viper--what does he want with a woman?

_OLD DEEGAN comes in at the side door. He carries a whip and a rug, and is looking very spry._

DEEGAN. Well, how’s all here?

MRS. DEEGAN [_fussing_]. Och, granda dear, and is this yourself! [_Shakes hands and laughs._] Upon my word, granda, you’re getting fresher looking every day.

DEEGAN. I’m like the eagles, I’m renewing my youth. [_Lays down the whip and rug and sits down at the table._]

MRS. DEEGAN. It’s nothing short of a miracle--at your great age. I suppose you’re hard on eighty, granda.

DEEGAN. A man is just as old as he feels. I feel hard on twenty-five.

_JIM rushes in, and slips the bottle to his mother._

JIM. Och, is this my wee granda!

MRS. DEEGAN. Yes, you’ll be happy now. You’ve been wishing and wishing your granda would come in.