Part 2
KILROY. The story goes that Joseph noticed Peggy there and became attracted by her.
MRS. S. We never heard that before.
JOHN. We did not indeed, sir, or we mightn’t have allowed it.
MRS. S. Silence, John. I didn’t mean it in that sense. Peggy Scally’s good enough for any man in the parish to speak to. I only said we didn’t know that she and Joseph were friendly, and we didn’t.
KILROY. Shake hands, Briget. [_They shake._] I agree with every word you say. Peggy Scally’s a match for the best man in this constituency--and that man happens to be my son Joseph. I hope that’s not bragging.
JOHN. Aye! [_He is displeased._]
MRS. S. [_smiling_]. That was very well put, James. I read all your speeches at the Council and you always hit the nail on the head.
KILROY. Thanks, Mrs. Scally. I’m ten years at that Council Board, and that’s the first bit of criticism that ever entirely pleased me. You’re a brainy woman, Briget.
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. Now, prepare yourselves for a shock. Joseph told his mother and me last night, plump and plain, that he means to marry Peggy Scally or die in the attempt.
MRS. S. Goodness gracious me! That’s a bombshell.... [_letting herself go_]. Mercy save us again.... I’m dizzy.... John, d’ye hear what he says?
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. At first his mother--and indeed myself--objected most strenuously. There’s no use in denying it. But he’s a Kilroy. He gave us till this morning to consent, or hand him out his two thousand pounds and he’d suit himself. That’s the sort of a boy Joseph is.
MRS. S. [_on her dignity_]. May we ask, Mr. Kilroy, why you and your wife objected so strenuously to the match?
JOHN. Hey! That’s a good question, Briget. Outrageous.
KILROY. And a very natural question, too. But when I submit the reason I know you’ll appreciate it. Both his mother and myself understood that Peggy was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan.
JOHN. Aye. [_Sulks again._]
MRS. S. There never was anything serious between Peggy and Hugh O’Cahan, and I as strenuously objected to anything that might have been.... Is that true, John?
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. That satisfies me entirely, Briget. I told Mrs. Kilroy it was only a rumour. But she was uneasy. You see the legacy come by her sister....
MRS. S. Well, till your wife comes over here and tells me out of her own mouth that she’s satisfied, there’ll be no match--not if Joseph owned a million.
JOHN. Hey, James! What do you think of that? This lady of mine doesn’t mince words.
KILROY. I didn’t expect this, Briget. But it has to be met. When the Council gets into a fix I have to get them out of it. [_Thinks._] Listen, Briget. What’s the matter with you coming over to our place and talking things over with Mrs. Kilroy? I’ll give you all the assistance I can....
MRS. S. I’ll want no assistance, James. I won’t go.
JOHN. Hey!
KILROY [_slowly_]. Well, maybe I’ll be able to manage Mrs. Kilroy myself. You know what a mother is, Briget, where her oldest son is concerned. She maybe had something bigger in her eye for Joseph.
MRS. S. She may’ve had something bigger but she’d nothing better in her eye then Peggy Scally. And you can tell your wife I said so.
JOHN. Holy tattler! that’s the best yet. Honour where honour’s due. Outrageous, Briget.
KILROY. You’re making it very hard for me, Briget. You’ve no conception of my difficulty....
JOHN. I think I understand it, James....
MRS. S. Silence, John.... There needn’t be any difficulty at all, James. If my daughter’s not good enough for your wife there’s no harm done. And if your wife’s coming, James, bring her to-night, for the Professor may be here to-morrow and he mightn’t want to meet strangers....
KILROY [_slaps his leg_]. That’s the solution of the problem! There’s no problem without a solution. Mrs. Kilroy has a weakness for distinguished people. She’ll want to hear all about the Professor from his sister. What time to-night, Briget, would suit your convenience?
MRS. S. About six.
KILROY. Good. She’ll come in that door on the stroke of six. And now for the next item. If Joseph and Peggy make a match of it, what about buying them O’Cahan’s farm? Eh? Rush Hill.
JOHN [_gasps_]. Hey! Rush Hill.
MRS. S. James Kilroy, you’re a big, bold, clear-headed man!
KILROY. Are you only finding that out now, Briget? The people have been saying that for years.
MRS. S. I always knew you had ability. Your wife had none.
KILROY. Quite right, Briget. And your husband had none. No offence, John.
JOHN. Oh, lord no, James! Nothing in that to take offence at. I never put up to’ve ability. I’d no need of ability. I’ve always made my living with my hands and feet.
KILROY. Well, we know now where we stand. The next is a question of money. If I buy Rush Hill will you stock it, Briget?
JOHN. Hey! That’s one for yourself, Briget.
MRS. S. That’s a very important item, James. It would take five or six hundred pounds to stock it.
KILROY. ’Twould take five. Could you give Peggy that much hard money without hurting yourselves? It would mean big matches for your other daughters.
JOHN. Aye!
MRS. S. There’s something in that, James. But if we give Peggy five hundred, the others might expect the same, and we couldn’t afford it.... Tell me this, James. If Joseph’s legacy buys Rush Hill, where do you come in? You wouldn’t be out a penny.
JOHN. Hey! That’s one for you, James.
KILROY. Joseph’s legacy won’t wink at buying it, Briget. We’ll be very snug if another thousand buys it. I’ll have to raise that thousand myself.... I mean I’ll have to go security for it.
MRS. S. Well, buy it, James, and we’ll stock it. I want to see Peggy and Joseph in Rush Hill.
KILROY [_gets up and wipes his brow_]. I’d no idea that arranging a match was so difficult. It’s a terrible strain. [_Looks watch._] You’ll come over with me to the auction, John, and we’ll look about us before it begins....
JOHN. I’d as lief not go near it, James. I hate these auction-outs.
MRS. S. Silence, John. Get your good coat and hat.
JOHN. The neighbours is going to boycott it....
KILROY. The more it’s boycotted, John, the better for you and me.
JOHN. Then let’s all boycott it.
KILROY. No, but let us go and bid a wicked bad price, then I can deal with the Bank on my own terms.
MRS. S. James Kilroy, I’ll speak out what’s in my mind. You’re the best business man I ever come across, and I’m married to the worst....
JOHN. Ah, Briget, Briget! That’s shockin’ unfair!
KILROY. I don’t want to boast, Briget, [_expanding his chest_] but if I’d got a woman of your calibre this parish wouldn’t have held me.
MRS. S. I’m certain of it.
JOHN. Ah, by the hedges, that’s cruelty to animals!... Where’s my hat and coat, Briget?
MRS. S. I’ll get them for you. Come into the other room, James. I want to treat you.... Come along, John.
JOHN. Aye, at your heel!
_They are going off when JOSEPH comes in back linked on PEGGY._
JOSEPH. Hi! look at this. You’re missing all the sights.
_The others turn round._
KILROY. Good man, Joseph! He’s won her. He’s a Kilroy. You couldn’t stop the breed with a mountain battery!
JOHN. Aye!
MRS. S. Mercy, the cheek of young people nowadays! Aren’t you pair ashamed of yourselves?
JOSEPH. We glory in it! Hurrah!
KILROY [_shouts_]. He’s a Kilroy! Thunder and lightning couldn’t daunt the breed! Didn’t you wreck the college, Joseph?
JOSEPH. Aye, and the town ’twas in.
KILROY. Will you buy Rush Hill, Joseph?
JOSEPH. You’ll buy it and I’ll pay it!
KILROY. Well put. And Peggy’s mother’ll stock it.
JOSEPH. Well put again. Go on, now, and leave us alone.
MRS. S. [_laughing_]. He’s a Kilroy right enough.... Come on, men. We’re not wanted here.
_KILROY, JOHN and MRS. S. go into the room._
JOSEPH. It’s all settled, Peggy. We’re as good as married. Amn’t I a hero?
PEGGY [_removing his arm_]. And a modest soul. [_Takes up iron._]
JOSEPH [_sheepishly_]. Awh, Peggy.... Awh, now.... Just one. Gwon.
PEGGY. Just one what?
JOSEPH [_suffocating_]. Awh, you know yourself.... It starts with a K.
PEGGY. Gracious! I think I know what you mean. What a desperate suggestion. What would your mother say, Joseph?
JOSEPH. Awh, sure she wouldn’t know.
PEGGY. But she might suspect.... Better run no risks, Joseph.
JOSEPH [_drawing closer_]. Let her ... let her suspect....
PEGGY. Mind the iron, Joseph. It’s hot....
_He tries to kiss her and leaps back._
JOSEPH. Moses, Moses! I’m roasted! [_Licks his hand._] If you weren’t my own Peggy I’d say you tried to roast me!
PEGGY. I’m sorry, Joseph. I told you it was pretty hot....
JOSEPH. Awh, what do I care about a burn? I’d ram my hand into the flames of the fire if I took a notion....
PEGGY. You’re fearfully wild, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon tame me, Peggy. Tell me again. Isn’t all over between you and O’Cahan?
PEGGY. It’s all over, Joseph, only I haven’t quite forgotten him yet.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon forget all about him. You’ll soon think of nothing in the whole world but me. O’Cahan was a rap....
_O’CAHAN stalks in the back door. He has the packet in his hand and the whip._
O’C. There your presents, Peggy [_throws packet on table_]. I found them in my pocket. Make jam of them. [_Wheels on JOSEPH_] Who’s a rap?
JOSEPH [_cowering_]. Mind, my father’s in the room!
O’C. Call him out.
JOSEPH. I’ll soon call him if you lay a finger on me!
O’C. [_hits him a scud with the whip_]. There! Call out the Rural Councillor.
JOSEPH [_backing away_]. I want no fighting with you.
O’C. No, you’re a Kilroy. You burn down colleges and paint towns red in your sleep. [_Draws off._] For two straws I’d put a lip on you!
JOSEPH [_receding_]. My father’ll writ you! He’ll writ you. You’ll not hit me with a whip....
O’C. Bring out your father. I’ll put a lip on him too....
PEGGY. Hugh, for goodness’ sake don’t make a scene. It isn’t worth it.
JOSEPH [_hugging the room door_]. You’ll see my father at the auction. He’ll buy you up, stump and rump.
O’C. And who’ll pay?
JOSEPH. I’ll pay! I’m into my legacy this morning. Two thousand gold sovereigns.
O’C. Listen to me, gurnet. Your father has been swelling about on that money for the last ten years. You’ll have some fun getting your two thousand gold sovereigns, or I’m a fish. That’s why he brought you here this morning--to stop your mouth with a woman. [_To PEGGY_] Now, Peggy. There’s more news for you. You’ve broken with a bankrupt man to marry a bankrupt prig.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll see that at the auction....
_PROFESSOR TIM comes in at back. He is an oldish man, in seafaring clothes, and looks an incarnate toper._
PROF. [_swaying on his legs_]. Hallo! How’s all here?
PEGGY. All well, thank you. Do you take meal or coppers?
PROF. I take neither meal nor coppers, sweetheart. But you can gimme a kiss if you like. Gum, I won’t object....
O’C. [_draws out to floor him, but stops_]. Eh! Gad, that old face of yours looks homely....
PROF. And begum, mister, that fist of yours looks awful homely to me. You draw out to scatter a man like an O’Cahan.
O’C. Exactly. O’Cahan of Rush Hill.
PROF. Sorry. Your pony and trap’s in trouble down the lane. It’s turned turtle in a ditch....
JOSEPH. It’s mine ... mine.... [_Runs out back._]
PROF. [_looking around_]. I wonder to Gawd am I in the wrong shop after all! Whose bungalow’s this?
O’C. You’re all right, Professor. This is John Scally’s bungalow....
PEGGY. What! Professor! Oh, sacred trust!
PROF. Whoa, gal. Don’t be so obvious. [_To O’C._] Who’s this exclamatory female?
O’C. Your own niece, Professor. Miss Peggy Scally.
PROF. Hallo, sweetheart! Gum, I’ve travelled seven times round the world and never seen a sweeter face. [_Hobbles nearer PEGGY._] Shake hands, pigeon, with uncle Tim. The old Professor....
PEGGY. Go away! Keep back! [_Screams._] Mother! mother!
_MRS. S. comes in._
PROF. Hallo, sister Briget. Gum, you haven’t aged an hour. Re-markable.
MRS. S. [_stunned_]. Aaaaaah!
O’C. Sister Briget doesn’t seem able to place you, Professor. You must have changed a little yourself since you were here....
PROF. Gum, man, I’ve been near dead a dozen times since that. Malaria in Nigeria, yellow-jack in Panama, snake-bite in Siam, and various other accidents by land and sea....
O’C. And liquor.
PROF. No, sir. I’m a strong temperance man. A bit of a temperance crank, in fact. [_Chuckles._] Accidents by land and sea and soda water.
MRS. S. So after raking the gutters of the world you’ve come back to see us!
PROF. Gum, it’s about time I’d pay my respects. Why it must be twenty years since I lookt you up....
MRS. S. Well, you’ve looked us up at last. You’ve seen me, and I’ve seen you. Let that do you for the rest of your natural life. There’s the door. Step out and don’t come back. We harbour no rakes here--young or old.
PROF. [_astonished_]. Gum, this is a surprise! This is a nice reception to give the Professor brother after a lifetime abroad. It’s downright unfriendly....
O’C. A little chilly.
PROF. A _little_ chilly! Mister, it’s frost and snow.
MRS. S. Master Hugh, if you don’t hurry home you’ll not be in time for your auction.
O’C. Thanks, madam. I’m off. I’m not as far down as I thought. [_Goes out back._]
MRS. S. You ruffian! what brought you back here in that condition?
PROF. Don’t ask double-barrelled questions, sister. My object in coming here and the condition I arrive in are two different things. Take it point by point.
MRS. S. What brought you here at all?
PROF. For a holiday. A complete rest.
MRS. S. Well, you won’t rest here! Go and take a holiday where you belong. Step out that door and never show your face again....
PROF. [_totters over and sits on table_]. I’m awful tired ... been travelling a deal lately....
MRS. S. [_exasperated_]. Will you step out--before I pitch you out the door?
PROF. Pitch me out the door! You didn’t pitch me out the morning you married Johnny Scally ... when I laid a hundred pounds in your lap.... Why, bust you, ’twas that hundred gave you and Johnny a start.
MRS. S. [_a little subdued_]. I’ll give you a few shillings and you’ll catch the first train. My family’s all grown up and you wouldn’t want to affront us.
PROF. Affront you? I’m not going to affront anybody. I’m going to have a nice, quiet, respectable holiday along the moss edges.... Gum, I want to pick some white heather....
_JOHN, in black coat and hat, comes in, followed by KILROY. MRS. S. stands in front of PROF. to hide him._
KILROY. Where’s Joseph?
PEGGY. He ran down the lane. Something happened the pony....
PROF. It’s turned turtle in a ditch....
KILROY. Dang it all! [_Runs out back._]
PROF. [_pushing Mrs. S. aside_]. Stand away back! What are you crowding me up for?
JOHN. Who the hedges is this, Briget?
PROF. Hallo, Johnny! Gum, you stand the years like a brass button. Greetings.
JOHN. By the holy, it’s the Professor! Lord save us, such a case! Such a wreck....
PROF. Don’t be so obvious, Johnny. A man don’t look his best after a long journey.... I’m tired....
JOHN. Ah, poor Tim....
MRS. S. Not another word, John....
JOHN. Ah, Briget, let me shake hands with him....
MRS. S. Silence! He’s going out of this. I’ll give him a few shillings and he’ll catch the first train away. He’ll not be here!
PROF. You won’t gimme a few shillings, sister, and I won’t catch the first train away. I’m too glad to be here. I want a wash-up, and a good feed of spuds and cabbage, and about a week’s sleep. I’m tired....
MRS. S. [_grabs his arm_]. Come with me! I’ll show you what you’re going to get....
PROF. [_resists_]. Lemme go. I won’t budge....
MRS. S. Come here, John, and lend a hand. We’ll help him outside....
JOHN. I’d rather not, Briget....
MRS. S. Come on--when you’re told! Or I’ll smash him and you both.
JOHN [_assists_]. Come now, Tim. Come, like a good fella. I wouldn’t hurt a hair of your head for the world....
PEGGY. Mother! mother! the Kilroys are coming in....
MRS. S. Come, John. Quick. We’ll keep them outside....
_MRS. S. and JOHN go out back._
PROF. Hallo, Peggy. Who did you say was coming? The poleece?
PEGGY. Not at all. Two neighbours.
PROF. [_musing_]. Gum, I’ve touched low water mark at last. Taken by the scruff of the neck like a rat to be thrown out. [_Sobs and watches the effect on PEGGY._] It’s hard, hard to be old and done and frail and homeless and penniless and friendless. [_Drying his eyes._] That’s what your friends would do for you.... But no matter.... Eaten bread’s forgotten....
PEGGY. Never mind, uncle.
PROF. Eh! Your voice is kind. Calling me uncle, are you?
PEGGY. Yes, why not?
PROF. Plenty of whynots. I’m a returned empty, that’s the main whynot.
PEGGY [_impulsively_]. Empty or full, rich or poor, you’re my uncle Tim! [_Shaking hands._] I’m glad to see you, uncle. Welcome home.
PROF. Thanks, pigeon. You’ve a heart. From this minute till I die I’ll have something kind to remember. Any more sisters, Peggy?
PEGGY. Three sisters and three brothers.
PROF. And where are they?
PEGGY. They’re over at the other farm hay-making.
PROF. Have you two farms now?
PEGGY. Yes, we bought a second farm last year.
PROF. Gum, your father deserves credit. He got a tartar of a wife. A perfect shrew.
PEGGY. Mother isn’t so bad. She just likes to boss....
PROF. That’s obvious. An impossible woman. A victim of temper, vocabulary, and spleen. Do you remember me being here before, Peggy?
PEGGY. Quite well, uncle. You bought me a string of blue beads.
PROF. I’m glad if I did. I don’t remember a thing about it. Bad memory, Peggy. [_Looks at his empty hands._] Gum, I thought I’d a valise in my hand. Have I no personal baggage at all?
PEGGY. None with you.
PROF. I must have dropt it in Paris or London.... I’m coming from Nigeria, Peggy. Been coming from Nigeria by easy stages for months and months. [_Looks at his clothes._] I wonder to Gawd where I got this toggery? Looks like seafaring clothes.... Probably got them by mistake in London.
PEGGY. When did you arrive in Ireland, uncle?
PROF. I haven’t the remotest idea. The last thing I remember is being down at the docks in London. What day is this, Peggy?
PEGGY. Monday.
PROF. What date is it?
PEGGY. The 6th July.
PROF. July? Gum, I thought it was May.... There’s a big mistake somewhere. The whole month of June’s blotted out.
PEGGY. You’ve been drinking, uncle.
PROF. Not a great deal, Peggy. Just enjoying myself.... Listen, Peggy. Your mother’s likely to put me out. You’re the only friend I’ve got in the world. Could you give me a little cash? Five pounds? I’m dead broke.
PEGGY. I could give you three pounds, uncle. It’s all the money I have.
PROF. Well, for Gawd’s sake, hurry up and get it.
PEGGY. One minute. [_She goes into the room._]
PROF. [_more alert, looking round_]. This is a comfortable spot. A wandering man could find rest here. [_Recites_]
“And as a hare, whom hounds and horn pursue, Pants to the place from whence at first she flew, I still had hopes, my long vexations past, Here to return--and die at home at last.”
What an autobiography I could give the Scallys, if they’d the wit to let me stay here! A man with the dust of forty countries on his shoes....
_PEGGY comes in with the money._
PEGGY. Three pounds, uncle. Don’t let on to mother.
PROF. [_taking it_]. No fear, Peggy. I know your mother of old. [_Puts money in pocket._]
PEGGY. Have you had any breakfast?
PROF. I don’t know. [_Feels at his stomach._] I don’t think so.... Probably had something to eat yesterday. I’m not a big feeder, Peggy. [_Takes out snuff box_] Have a pinch? Jockey Club.
PEGGY. Oh, gracious heavens! Don’t let mother see that. Do you snuff?
PROF. That’s obvious. [_Takes snuff._] Clears the head, Peggy. I feel better already.... If your mother wasn’t so hostile I could stay here long enough. Would you mind, Peggy?
PEGGY. Not if you behaved yourself.... Whisht!
_MRS. S. comes in very warlike._
MRS. S. Are you still here?
PROF. That’s obvious. Where did you think I’d be? Evaporated?
MRS. S. Have you no spirit left?
PROF. I’ve far too much spirit. I’m all spirit. What I want is more physical ability.
MRS. S. Oh, you disgrace! You prodigal! You vagabond! That the very smell of the house is insufferable....
PEGGY. It’s only snuff, mother. If you leave him to me he’ll give no trouble. I’ll get him something to eat and he’ll rest and go away.
MRS. S. He’ll never break bread in my house! He’ll never sleep under my roof! God only knows where he’s coming from, or what plague he has with him.
PROF. My only plague is poverty. A chronic attack of penury. It arises from an absence of brass in the vest pocket. And at my age it’s incurable.
_JOHN comes in back._
JOHN. Now, Tim, your own sister won’t have you here. I’ve got my orders to shift you. It’s a dirty job, but you needn’t blame me. I’m only carrying out my orders. Come now, like a good fella. I’ll drive you in to the station and buy you a ticket for some big town....
PROF. You won’t let me stay to rest?
MRS. S. No. You’re not fit to be in human habitation.
PROF. I’m a sick man. A broken man.
MRS. S. You weren’t too sick to come and affront us.... You prodigal!
JOHN. Easy now, Briget. It’s a fearful thing to turn your face away from a broken man. We’re all prodigals ... and we’ll all have to crawl back some day....
MRS. S. Silence, you! It’s me’s turning him out. He’ll not be here!
PROF. [_struggling to his feet_]. All right, sister, I’m going. I can crawl back the road I come.
MRS. S. John’ll drive you to the station and see you off. You’re not going to affront us--crawling along the road like that....
PROF. [_draws a seaman’s knife_]. Let you and Johnny and everybody else mind their own business. If anybody tries to stop me I’ll defend myself. [_Going off back._]
MRS. S. Don’t let him out, John! Stop him....
JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind. That man’d think little of knifing me. He’s a sailor.
PEGGY [_goes to PROF. at door_]. Give me that knife, uncle. Please.
PROF. Sorry, pigeon. I couldn’t get along without that knife. It’s the knife I cut my food and baccy with.
PEGGY. Well, put it in your pocket. Nobody’s going to stop you. You’ll come over with me to the old kitchen and I’ll get you something to eat....
MRS. S. Never!
PEGGY. Mother, I’ll feed him! Nobody knows whose turn it may be next.
JOHN. God bless you, Peggy. Feed him.
_PROF. puts knife in pocket. KILROY and JOSEPH come in back. They stand staring at PROF._