CHAPTER IV.

_Of the increase of his convictions, from_ Autumn 1690, _till_ May 1693.

1. FOR the better advantage of my education my mother in 1690, removed with me to _Edinburgh_. I was now again put to school, and in _November 1692_, entered at the college. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of sin. I saw more and more, that he was displeased with me for sins which formerly I had not observed. The impressions of my mortality were likewise rivetted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again the scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to some enquiry into my own sincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might save my bosom-idols, not only to hear, but _to do many things_.

2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in secret: I read and meditated, and resolved to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud it was force and not nature: and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occasioned it.

3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: with St. _Austin_, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “If I had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was I _entangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not_.

4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ, _I sought it by the works of the law_. Therefore _the carnal mind, which was enmity against_ God, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions.

5. About this time _Clark’s Martyrology_ came into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join in _Balaam_’s wish, _Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his_.

6. At this time likewise God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodily infirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me, _though I knew him not_. But so far was I from being thankful for these mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reason have I to say, _The |Lord| is good even to the evil and unthankful._