CHAPTER II.
_Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial._
1. FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the security into which I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, for _grace to help in time of need_.
2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened me to appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigorously to oppose all my enemies.
3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers; that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge;¹ that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.
¹ See the preface.
4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions did sometimes bear me down to relapses, both into omissions of duties, and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light, love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded exceedingly.
5. At some times, indeed, I was for a while _hardened by the deceitfulness of sin_, and senseless; at other times my heart instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.
6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence. *And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sins have such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yet _the blood of_ Christ _cleanseth from all sin_, and he came to save the chief of sinners.
*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first. He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of _the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness_. He drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce believe the news, _he created peace by the fruit of his lips_, and as it were forced it upon my soul, and _shed abroad his love in my heart_.
8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thought in the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the deepest loathing of my ♦sin, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.
♦ “soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly, That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are ♦with difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.
♦ inserted word “with” per Errata
*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him: they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged, neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of ♦atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions. But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’ variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and night: but light more or less, there is always.
♦ “attonement” replaced with “atonement”
10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds slightly; but it is God’s prerogative to speak solid peace. 2. That considering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not easy to win a sinner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to answer all necessities. And when the soul is in some measure satisfied with this and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of sin, or a due sense of that boundless mercy. *Yea, here lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this discovery of forgiveness, as if it were only to be had once, and no more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtless, we ought to value it; whereas on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts turn formal, and count it a common thing. I observe, ♦3. That the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and circumspectly: being inconsistent not only with any gross sin, but with any remissness of behaviour. And, lastly, That when I was at the lowest ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulness. If you ask, What I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: “What a mercy is it I am out of hell! Blessed be the Lord for this.” Again: “What a mercy is it, that he hath given me to see, and thank him for that mercy! Blessed be the Lord for this likewise.” And thus I have gone on, till he hath led me to a sense of his love, and restored comfort to my soul.
♦ “5.” replaced with “3.”
♦CHAPTER III.
♦ “PART” replaced with “CHAPTER”
_A more particular account of his preceding doubts, concerning the being of God, and deliverance from them._
1. I BEFORE mentioned the trials I had about the being of a God, almost as soon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no arguments, urged against it: only seeing this was the hinge on which all religion turned, I found myself at a loss for evidence so clear and strong, and convincing, as I thought necessary, with respect to a truth, whereon so much weight was to be laid. I said, “Very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before, I trust so far, I would know more of that God, in whom I am to trust.”
2. But afterwards, when I was more estrang’d from God, and intent upon abstract subtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and said daily, “Where is now thy God?” He then triumph’d, “Where is now that mouth, with which thou hast so often reproached Atheists?” These are the arguments they have; come forth then, try thy strength, and fight them.
3. Hereupon a sharp conflict began, in which I used various ways. Sometimes I rejected his suggestions, and refused them a hearing. Sometimes I tried to answer his arguments; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was always at the greater loss. Then I would wish for a discovery of God himself; _O that I knew where I might find him_! Whence the enemy failed not to infer, “If there was a God he would help one, who was thus standing up for him, in such a strait.” Sometimes I prayed, and though Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying till I was sure there was a God; yet I always thought, “If there be one, he can best satisfy me as to his own being.”
4. And he did satisfy me in part. 1. By clear discoveries of the tendency of these temptations, _viz._ To cast reproach on all the best and wisest of men, and to destroy the foundations of all human happiness. 2. By some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation. 3. By some beams of light from his word; and more than once, in particular, by suggesting to my mind, with power, that answer of the three children, _O |Nebuchadnezzar|, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our |God|, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not serve thy God, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up._
5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus seen his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered sin to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.
*6. This it was which gave me full satisfaction, while God commanded this light to shine on my mind, I could not desire a clearer proof of his being; all his enemies fled before it: all the mountains of opposition shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth. I had, 1. The evidence of sight: by the eye of faith I saw the glory of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre: it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner, nothing else was real. This sight gave me more consistent, becoming notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, and so shook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear; I heard him speak, and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from the voice of any creature. He first spoke terror to me from _Sinai_; and when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said unto it, “Peace, be still, and there was a great calm.” His words had light and power peculiar to God with them, both when he spoke for me and against me: they made me taste and see that the Lord is good, and that _blessed is he that trusteth in him_. All my objections were solv’d. As to the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, at the time that he condescended to shew me his back-parts, he satisfied me, _that no man can behold his face_. He gave me a view of his incomprehensibility, which silenced all those suggestions. And as to the seeming disorders in his government, a plain answer was, _He giveth account to none; his way is in the sea; his paths in the great waters, and his footsteps are not known_.
CHAPTER ♦IV.
♦ “II” replaced with “IV”
_A more ♦particular account of his preceding doubts concerning the holy scriptures, and deliverance from them._
♦ “particlar” replaced with “particular”
1. THIS temptation, as observed before, did not attack me so soon as the former; but it was managed in much the same way. Sometimes my mind only hung in suspence, for want of a sufficient evidence. Sometimes I was strangely harrassed with multiplied objections, either by the books I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I conversed, or by Satan, whose suggestions were far the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.
2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections were equally destructive of all religion, and were far more numerous, more plausible, and entertained by persons of a fairer character. Besides, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.
3. I tried many ways to escape; besides prayer, and attending public ordinances, I read many books writ in defence of the scriptures. And this wanted not its use; I got a rational conviction of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for it against his enemies; and I found answers to many particular objections, which encouraged me to wait for full satisfaction. But that I found not yet: this being but the wisdom of men, had not power to silence temptations, to enlighten me to see the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an indisposed soul.
4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word fastened a sense of guilt on my soul: though this rather extorted an assent than induced to a chearful acquiescing therein, as coming from God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations, which revived and comforted a soul bowed down before, I instantly closed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had found a hid treasure; I was sweetly satisfied, that it came from him; and that by many evidences: for,
_First_, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”
_Secondly_, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting, composing influences, and let me see the other _wonders of his law; excellent things in counsel and knowledge_. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies; his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in many of his public administrations.
*_Thirdly_, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight; it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.
5. And ♦whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply: _The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces?_ Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief, and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with all humility; since _the secret of the Lord is only with those that fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant_.
♦ “wheareas” replaced with “whereas”
6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed, and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only wise God.