CHAPTER II.
_Of his marriage, and conduct in his family._
1. WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he also dearly convinced me, that _a prudent wife is from the Lord_.――I looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him for direction, with that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.
2. The command, _Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers_, was so strongly imprest on my soul, that no prospect of outward advantage could have swayed me to chuse one void of the fear of God. But whether to chuse on the testimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I could not easily determine.
3. At last inclining to think a personal acquaintance necessary, I pitched on one who appeared suitable to me; and who falling at that time under some unusual concern about religion, which she imparted to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too hastily proceeded in the proposal. Yet I never durst pray absolutely for success, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct: and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my design effectually disappointed. Mean while she carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was soon after clandestinely married.
4. Another marriage was proposed to me some time after. In the beginning of this affair, _March 1700_, I was confident to meet with a disappointment; whereon I resolved to quit it, and did so for some time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my designs of turning away. He visibly interposed his providence, gave fresh opportunities, directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.
5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with discouragements again: this was follow’d by new encouragement when I least expected it: and by this variety of success, I was kept low as to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God for the event.
6. _December 13._ This forenoon I set apart for prayer: and being to address God with regard to my proposal of marriage, I began the work with an enquiry into my own state. Upon this enquiry, I found,
_First_, With respect to God, I was under a full conviction, _that life was in his favour_, nay, _that his loving-kindness is better than life itself_. That any interest in his favour is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator: God being holy, I unholy; God a consuming fire, I a sinner meet to be consum’d: that God out of mere love has been pleased to send into the world Jesus Christ, as the mediator through whom sinners might regain his favour.
_Secondly_, With respect to Christ, nothing has been able (since it was first given me) to shake my full conviction of the following particulars: that Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as it became the goodness, justice, wisdom, and power of God to provide; and such as became the desires and needs of sinners, as being sufficient _to save all that come to_ God _through him_, and that _to the uttermost, his blood_ being able _to cleanse from all sin_, his power _to subdue all things to himself_, and his Spirit _to lead into all truth_: that I need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durst once think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp me, had he not power to captivate _every thought to the obedience_ of himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darkness which is my burden, is from Christ’s prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt and power of sin, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity, but through him. ’Tis through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of his glory.
_Thirdly_, With respect to this law, notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and just, and good; insomuch that I would not desire any alteration in any, and least of all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I desire inward, universal conformity to them all, and that in the spiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the minutest circumstances of them. _Lastly_, That since the commencement of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more especially in his absolute submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could scarce reach this submission at some times, yet I earnestly desired it, I look’d upon it as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself so far as I came short of it.
7. As to the whole, my spirit was in a calm and composed frame: but contrary to my positive resolution, and under fears of a refusal, I was carried out to be more peremptory than usual as to the success. Yea, when I was in the most submissive frame, I was more peremptory as to the event, than when my heart was most eagerly set upon it.
8. _January 7, 1701_, was a day set apart by us both, to be kept with fasting and prayer, for obtaining a blessing on our marriage. I began it with prayer, wherein I endeavoured to trace back sin to my very infancy. Lord, I have been in all sin: not one of thy commands but I have broken in almost all instances; save in the outward acts, and from them, O Lord, only thy free grace restrained me.
*I now again solemnly devoted myself to him, in this new relation I was to enter upon; beseeching that he would not contend with either of us, for the sins of our single life; that he would make us holy, and bless us in this new state, fitting us every way for one another. In my second address to God by prayer, he gave me much sweetness and enlargement (blessed be his goodness) in reference to that particular, for which I set apart this day. When _he prepareth our hearts to pray, his ear hearkeneth thereto_.
This day I again searched into my state, and found these evidences of the Lord’s work in my soul: 1. He hath given me by his Spirit some discovery of the innumerable sins of every period of my life, and especially of the root of all, the inexpressible corruption of my nature: 2. He has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliefs nature leads to, with regard to the guilt of sin; he hath made me see, that my own works cannot save me, and, I hope, taken me off from resting upon them; for under trouble, occasioned by sin, nothing but Christ could quiet me: the view of my own works only increased it. And God, when he assisted me most therein, so guarded me against this, that he then always opened my eyes to see a world of sin in them; insomuch that I have as earnestly desired to be saved from my best duties, as ever I did from my worst sins: and whenever my heart inclined to lay some stress on duties spiritually perform’d, God stirred up in my soul a holy jealousy over my heart in this particular. 3. As to the power of sin, he hath brought me to an utter despair of relief from my own prayers, vows, or resolutions. 4. He hath been pleased to determine me to chuse the gospel-way of salvation, by resting on Christ for righteousness, sanctification, and redemption; as a way full of admirable mercy and wisdom; a way of great peace and security to sinners, and best suited to give glory to God. Upon these grounds, I conclude, that the Lord hath wrought faith in me, and will compleat my salvation. And because he hath determined me to chuse him, therefore I dare call him my God, my Saviour, my Sanctifier.
On _January 23, 1701_, he was accordingly married at _Edinburgh_, to _Janet Watson_, daughter of Mr. _David Watson_, of _St. Andrews_. By her he had nine children, three sons and six daughters, of whom one son and five daughters survived him.
8. In _March, 1705_, his then youngest child fell into a languishing illness: concerning whom he writes thus: “_April 11._ My child died: blessed be God, I have had a child to give at his call; and blessed be the Lord, that he helped me to give her willingly.”
In _March 1712_, his son _George_ fell ill: I had often says he, given all my children up to God, and now it pleased him to try me in the tenderest point, whether I would stand to my resignation. I could not find freedom in a asking for his life, but much, in crying for mercy for him. Yet I cannot say, but the burthen was great upon me, till communing with a friend about the state of the church and religion, concern for God’s interest got the ascendant over that for my own, and from that time I found comfort: *and the nearer he was to his end, the more loosed I was from him, and the more chearful was my resignation: so that before his death, prayers were almost made up of praises, and he was set off with thanksgiving.