Part 11

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for her!―This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is killed but yourself?

521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards has frequently been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard on his travels arrived in the night at a little village in France, in which there was but one hotel. As it was almost midnight, he knocked at the door a long while without hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his head out of his chamber window, asked who was there? The Spaniard replied, Don Juan Pedro Hernandez Rodriguez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra, Cavallero de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me! said the host, as he shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and you ask me lodging for a score!

522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having informed a noble amateur in the sports of the field, that he had a very hot and lively horse, which had flung him in the course of a chase on the preceding day, a conversation ensued on the qualities of the animal. In reply to a question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman stated that he had not yet given it one, and was at a loss what to call him. A name, a name, said Lord N., why, sir, you should call him Peppercaster.

523. A wag passing through a country town, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. My friend, said he, I advise you by all means to sell out. I should have no objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present they seem much too low.

524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the rebellion of 1798, the gallows was erected over the margin of a river. When the first man was drawn up, the rope gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by swimming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the executioner, said, with genuine native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced his sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, tie me up tight, for, if the rope breaks, I’m sure to be drowned, for I can’t swim a stroke.

525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of seventy years of age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, he believed he could tell them news. Why, said he, I have married my tailor’s daughter. If he was asked why he did so? the old gentleman replied, Why, the father suited me so well for forty years past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come.

526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen’s Chapel; the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, ‘To let.’ To which the facetious critic rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, ‘unfurnished’?

527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why he played the fool? For the same reason, said he, that you do, out of want―you do it for want of wit, and I do it for want of money.

528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby’s seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the potent appetite of the learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the doctor excepted; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addressed the party:―Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I am an acquaintance of his; but I can assure you that, till I met him here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings for the sight. Roscius was silent.

529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal hunts. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably into conversation with him, and they rode side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. What’s that? what’s that Walsingham has been saying to you? inquired the good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together! The king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology.

530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer of the French army was severely wounded in the leg. The surgeons on consulting, declared that amputation was indispensable. The general received the intelligence with much composure. Among the persons who surrounded him, he observed his valet-de-chambre, who showed by his profound grief the deep share which he took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, Germain? said his master, smiling to him. It is a fortunate thing for you: you will have only one boot to clean in future.

531. So ungrateful was the sound of ‘Wilkes and No. 45’ (the famous number of the ‘North Briton’) deemed to be to a high personage, that about 1772, a Prince of the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having been chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, is related to have done so by stealing to the king’s apartments, and shouting at the door, ‘Wilkes and 45 for ever!’ and running away. It is hardly necessary to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of George III.?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with his accustomed good humour.

532. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If that be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, we shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished. Afraid! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, Pray how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks.

533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his profession till he was near eighty, being a king’s counsel, frequently went circuit, as judge of assize when any one of the twelve judges was prevented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy; and when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature of his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which the law authorizes me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the seas for the term of seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term of your natural life―to live in the same house with both your wives.

534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the head by an arrow. When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that as the weapon had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The tailor said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have been here.

535. A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who took the wager, previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, Leave me my head! There it is, said the girl, throwing it down, and catching up another. Leave me my head! said the same voice. Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot have two heads: so brought the skull, and won the wager.

536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmarthenshire, was lately betrothed to a young man in the neighbourhood of Tenby; but lovers’ quarrels occurring about three weeks before the day appointed for the marriage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately proposed to another sister, who assented, without hesitation, on the ground of its being too great a sacrifice to lose such a nice young man out of the family; and, on the day named for the former marriage, the latter took place.

537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., speaking to the ambassador of Morocco, highly disapproved of the plurality of wives which prevails among the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam.

538. The Laird of M’N―b was writing to one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How can a man write grammar with a pen like this? exclaimed the Highland chieftain.

539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a farmer’s wife fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would every now and then call out, Not too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours.

540. The Germans sleep between two beds; and it is related, that an Irish traveller, upon finding a feather-bed thus laid over him, took it into his head that the people slept in strata, one upon the other, and said to the attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentleman or lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I wish to go to sleep.

541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? With the devil’s! replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. And shall the instrument, said the earl coolly, run as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?―a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting the engineer to play against the wainscot: but being told it was in no danger, I am sorry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon it, which I shall never be able to pay.

543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the truckle bed in which the Duke of Wellington slept. Why it is so narrow? exclaimed a friend; there is not room to turn in it. Turn in it! cried his grace, when once a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out.

544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a short trip in a balloon, on coming again to _terra firma_, was seized with a swoon. A gentleman asking one of the crowd collected around him, What was the matter? was answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of his element.

545. I can’t conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you manage: I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than your income; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, I have a situation. A situation! you amaze me, I never heard of it till now―pray what is it? I am my own steward.

546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish baronet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the good-humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford that will be a match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing psalms.

547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for their frequent dissensions, which were very unbecoming both in the eye of God and man, seeing, as he observed, that they were both one. Both one! cried the husband, Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you would swear we were twenty.

548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a friend, that his attorney, in his bill, had not let him off easily, That is no wonder, said he, as he charged you too high.

549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden was certainly placed in Scotland. For said he, have we not, all within a mile of one another, Adam’s Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city of Eden-burgh?

550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then, his condition; how can I introduce him? Nonsense, replied his companion, introduce him as a Livery-man of the city.

551. A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bristol unemployed, inquired the reason: I can’t cry to-day, sir, said he, my wife is just dead.

552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. Mr. L., whose police office is frequently clamorous with the litigators of shilling warrants, suddenly called out, Silence there! There’s been, added he, two or three people committed already, and I have not heard a word they have said.

553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, and perceiving him running very fast through his grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he was very sorry to see him go on so ill? Why so? replied the other. I see, rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate very fast.

554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his heart exclaimed, Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on deck to behold this rich landscape.

555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday-school twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the west, who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold his Quarter Sessions monthly.

556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker’s shop.

557. When Lieutenant O’Brien (who was called Sky-rocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a gun, and being brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.

558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.

559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass.

560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.

561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can.

562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet,

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Quin, indignant at the man’s absurd elocution, exclaimed, very decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly.

563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly kill myself with laughing.

564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no―Mordecai knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;―he was letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse Guards and back!

565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the party fell down stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing place, the other rolling to the bottom:―it was observed, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes, said a wag, but he’s not so far gone as the gentleman below.

566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson’s coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador’s hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a moidore, said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink? Why, please your honour, said the coxswain, I am not thirsty. But, said her ladyship, Nelson’s steersman must drink with me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch? Why, said Jack, as I am to drink with your ladyship’s honour, it would not be good manners to be backward, so I’ll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of grog while your ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me.

567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, Poh! faith that’s nothing at all, to the echo in my father’s garden, in the county of Galway; there, honey, if you were to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I thank you, sir.

568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered, for a nervous complaint, was asked, in her turn, What brought her to Buxton? I came only for pleasure, answered the healthy duchess; for, thank goodness, I was born before nerves came into fashion.

569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. Sir, sir, I want to speak with you. Prithee wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir; I must speak to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter? Why, sir, you are going to bury a man who died of the small pox, near my poor husband, who never had it.

570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. Why, answered the farmer, I am thinking that my bacon face and your calf’s head would make a very good dish.

571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each to watch four hours in the night, in turn, for the sake of security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head while he was asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me.

572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extremely ill with a fever, a consultation was held in his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to cure the fever, and abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take half the trouble off your hands; you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.