Part 14

676. On a remarkably hot summer’s day, an Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could catch it.

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots―these attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said Sheridan, no, you’ve not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid for them.

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the battle of A-gin-court.

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman.

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well, replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier.

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece.

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of ‘The Apprentice,’ an eminent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his _debut_ in Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was exclaiming, “I am the king; you cannot touch me for coining.” No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks.

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon his master’s nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah! exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot.

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as we!

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not see.

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas would make any man speak.

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass’s milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be sure.

690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes ’em as they come!

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he’d lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket.

692. Swift’s Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun was,―Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it.

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate; Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam. No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two sons did not, returned the doctor.

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds and the waves had a hard night’s bout of it, and it’s time for them to rest themselves.

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won’t fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s door early in the morning, and wrote ‘Scoundrel’ upon it. The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master’s visit, as he left his name at my door this morning.

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student, I’m asleep.

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it.

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven’t a single one in the house. No, ma’am, said he, they’re all married, and have large families too.

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society’s Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden _incog._ on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for she didn’t come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady!

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty.

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken!

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters!

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.

708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a certain witty duchess.

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh! said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.

712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived.

713. When Skelton published his ‘Deism Revealed,’ the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in your diocese, was the reply.

714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander. Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?

715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the bishop’s going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:―you know I am to preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where I am.

716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of preferment, found an opportunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased with his discourse and manner of delivery, that after service he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his name, and where his living was. My duty to his lordship, replied the clergyman, and tell him my name is Lewis; that living I have none; but my starving is in Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a valuable benefice.

717. King John being shewn a stately monument erected over the grave of a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, answered, No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried.

718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And please your majesty, whose fault is that? The king remained silent.

719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a hatchment) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with―Arrah, Pat, look up, what is that sign? Botheration, cried Pat, ’tis no sign at all, at all, ’tis only a sign that somebody’s dead that lives there.

720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. Your grace must pardon me, said Perron; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a trade that he does not understand.

721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for the future. With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear!

722. In a life of St. Francis Navier, written by an Italian monk, it is said, That by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island!

723. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in the king’s name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless without the pestles, those also were at his majesty’s service.

724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person, rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General, seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run away. At the same battle, the Gens-d’armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and forced into the river. Some years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant manner, that they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, Has your majesty ever seen the Gens-d’armes? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys have.

725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.

726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.

727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry, Your ladyship’s two lips before all the roses in the world.

728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night―Happy girl! said the master, I wish I could give warning too.

729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary’s widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.

730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king.

731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put together.

732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes! Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the Irishman, we never call ’em; when we want any, we go and dig them.

733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran him through with his bayonet.

734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, the following curious wish:―May you never see the darkness which I now see!

735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself―he replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.

736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, said the shaver; I’ll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I’ll gie ye a baubee, said Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.

737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects.