Part 17

854. Mr. M―, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o’ Morbus?

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind―(a thing some men do with their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton’s hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton, but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on your reverence’s head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don’t know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend’s rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott, of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night.

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured, was Tully’s Offices, and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of L’Estrange’s translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the only one in the college.

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through the man’s hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at.

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply. Why by wholesale? Because you’ll certainly find it impossible to retail them.

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago, Crockford’s club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers, that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet―most appropriately on a card;

Thoughtless that “all that’s brightest fades,” Unmindful of that Knave of Spades, The Sexton and his Subs: How foolishly we play our parts! Our wives on diamonds set their hearts, We set our hearts on clubs.

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal highness.

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King’s Bench. Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often enough in them.

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased―“Here lies Fuller’s earth.”

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much that building puts me in mind of my father’s stables. Arrah, my honey, cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in mind of your father’s house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father’s parlour?

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston’s interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked, what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier―an apostate! by no means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke’s constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders―Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip’s face, and at last he made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake.

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients.

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one.

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how these others burn.

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he exclaimed―And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen live red herrings.

873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the O’Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody.

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have attended it with the greatest pleasure.

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely I will shoot every man of them.

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge of the debt.[3]

[3] By the French law a creditor is bound to allow his debtor a franc a day so long as he detains him in prison.

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence! replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note.

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage, crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been thrown away by your owner.

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir, said Andrew, we have enough of that at home.

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon.

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor.

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible, that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are, replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.

884. Baron d’Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow’s life.

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, in order to keep out of the wet.

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant―the only good belonging to him is under ground.

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life.

893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; go sober.

894. Lord B―, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the civil list! was the witty rejoinder.

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,―Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of _hic_, _hæc_, _hoc_, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a _hujus_ glass.

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke de L― and the Duke de N―. They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de L―, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N―.

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as _nostris gratissima musis_, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment:―_Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!_

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s provisions had been salted―I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time.

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had the same happy results!

903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, friend, yet there is this difference―you are not a legal one, which I am.

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made it on the spot.

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist’s head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening.

907. On Mr. H. Erskine’s receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.