Part 24

1237. One gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his house, the other answered, That I am the first of my house, is so much more to my honour―you are likely to be the last of yours.

1238. One thinking with barbarous Latin to confound a scholar, came and saluted him in these words, _Ars tu fons_, art thou well? To whom the scholar quickly, _Asinus fons asinus tu_, that is, as well as you.

1239. Two fellows purposing a journey, hired a horse betwixt them, to ride by turns; the one laid down half the hire, and called upon his partner for the other half, which he willingly paid; which being done, said he, Mark the conditions between us, which are these―when I ride, then you shall go on foot; and when you go on foot, then I shall ride; that is the condition―will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart, said the other. So the first mounted and rode the whole journey, and left the other to come on foot after him.

1240. A sleepy waiter, sitting asleep under the pulpit, the preacher beating his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awakened, cried out in a loud voice, Coming, sir, coming.

1241. Two gentlemen having quarrelled in a passage, one of them, wishing to make his escape from the house, asked, How shall I get by you? Get by me! replied the other, what did I ever get by you?

1242. I am going to write a work upon Popular Ignorance, said a young man to a much older person: I know no one more competent, was the reply.

1243. Walpole once persuaded Mrs. Kerwood not to go home by water, because it would be damp after the rain.

1244. Lord Hartington asked the Governor of Rome, what they had determined about the vessel that the Spaniards had taken under the cannon of Civita Vecchia, whether they had restored it to the English? The governor said, They had done justice. His lordship replied, If you had not, we should have done it ourselves.

1245. The late Duchess of Bolton resolved upon going to China, when Whiston told her the world would be burnt in three years.

1246. A gentleman coming into a church, where was none of the best music in the world, hearing them sing, “Have mercy upon us miserable sinners.” Ay, said he, they might very well have said, Have mercy upon us miserable singers.

1247. A humorous schoolmaster, one morning as he was washing his hands, called one of his higher boys to him, and said, Here boy, what is the Latin for a ladder? The youth answered, _Scala_. Fye, fye, quoth the schoolmaster, what an _asinego_ you are! prithee tell me, what is the Latin for a lad? _Adolescens_, replied the boy. Very well, and cannot you form the comparative degree of that? _Adolescentior_, said the boy. Ay, ay, now thou hast done it like a scholar indeed.

1248. A country baker having occasion to call at the house of a certain justice of the peace, as he was riding out through a great court, saw a parcel of fat geese, and, catching up one, whipped it into his basket. The justice by chance espying him from one of the windows, called after him, saying, Bak-er, bak-er. To which the baker replied, I will, sir, I will, sir, and rode away as fast as he could. Some days after, the justice sent a warrant for him, and demanded of him how he dare carry away his goose in that manner? To which he replied, I have done nothing but what your worship commanded me, for your worship bid me bake-her, and that I have done in a good pie, and drank your worship’s health at the eating of it. The justice, for the jest’s sake, excused the baker.

1249. A Welchman having been to London, his friends, according to custom, on his return, demanded of him what news? He answered, That he knew little news; he had only observed one strange thing there, that every little boy of five or six years old could speak English perfectly, which he thought very strange; because, in his country, they learn to speak it, as in England they learn to speak French.

1250. A ship being in a storm at sea, was in great danger; whereupon, the captain commanded every man to throw into the sea his heaviest things. A passenger, who had his wife, then offered to throw her overboard; but the crew saved her, and asked him whether he was mad to try and throw her overboard; who answered, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her. I assure you, she has long been a heavy burthen to me; I pray, therefore, let me throw her over.

1251. A talking barber once asked a gentleman in what fashion he would be trimmed, In silence, was the reply.

1252. It is related of a well-known magistrate of times past, that being often deceived by false rumours of Queen Elizabeth’s death, he protested that he would never believe she was dead, until he saw it under her own hand.

1253. A good fellow having tippled rather too liberally, and his head being fuller of liquor than discretion, as he went along the streets, happened in the dark to run against a post; and he, conceiving it to have been some man that had affronted him, fell upon the post with his fists, and of course soon beat off all the skin from his knuckles. One coming by, demanded of him, what was the matter? Why, said he, I have met here with a rascal who jostled me, and will not suffer me to pass quietly by him. Alas, see, said the other, you are mistaken, it is a post. A post! said he, why then he should have blown his horn.

1254. A cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge, serving up dinner, gave to one of the assistants a neat’s tongue to put upon the table; the fellow not having firm hold of the dish, let it fall to the ground, so that it was not fit for serving, whereat the cook was very angry; the poor fellow begged the cook not to be so very angry, it was but a _lapsus linguae_.

1255. Two or three gentlemen visiting a citizen, he, at their departure, asked them if they would please to take a glass of beer, apologizing for its being small beer, but such as contented him and his family; they accepted it, saying, it was no matter for the smallness, so it were fresh. One of them tasting it, the other asked him if the beer was fresh. Yes, quoth he, I assure you it is fresh, as if it had been all night in water.

1256. At a general assizes in Queen Elizabeth’s days, two plain country fellows having some business there, were gazing upon the bench, until the time they should be called, discoursing betwixt themselves, said the one to the other, I much wonder at one thing, and would gladly be resolved thereof: the other demanding of him what it was he wished to know, was answered, I have often mused with myself, why all the judges go shaven, and there is no appearance of a beard to be seen amongst them all. To which the other replied, Neighbour, that is a doubt which is easily decided; for in this place they ought to wear no beards, for you ought to know they represent her majesty.

1257. In many towns of this kingdom, mechanics are often made mayors. Amongst others, one who was elected to that office, thought it would be but becoming that his wife should be dressed according to the dignity of the situation, and accordingly ordered her new apparel from top to toe; she not accustomed to such gaiety, was not a little proud, and coming somewhat late to church, at the moment when the auditory rose up for the reverence of the gospel, which she mistaking, and thinking it had been done to her, said aloud, I thank you all, my good friends and neighbours, I shall not be unmindful of this courtesy.

1258. A person being asked the reason why his head was so intermixed with white hairs, that it was indeed quite grey, and that not one could be seen in his beard, answered, It is no wonder, the hair of my head is older than that of my beard by twenty years.

1259. The parson of a country village, visiting one of his sick parishioners, among other comforting words, said to him, Be of good cheer, my good friend, for I hope thou wilt be carried into Paradise. To which the sick man replied, Your speech is comforting to me, for if the way is long, I should never be able to walk there.

1260. Two country fellows falling out, were at very hot words, insomuch that one gave the other the lie, who taking it in great disgrace, bent his fist and threatened revenge; the other, knowing himself unable to grapple with him, denied his words; in conclusion, the defendant was so pressed, that in plain terms he gave him the lie, saying, Thou liest to say I gave thee the lie. To which the other answered, It is well now at last that thou hast given me satisfaction.

1261. A country fellow had an idle housewife, who would do nothing but sit before the fire, and suffer everything to go to sixes and sevens; coming one day from his labour, and finding her sitting as customary, lolling by the fire, he took up a stick, and began to cudgel her soundly; at which she cried out, Alas, husband, what do you mean? you see I am doing nothing, I am doing nothing. That is the very reason why I am beating you, said he.

1262. A person who had a great shrew for his wife, in one of the quarrels, got so enraged, that he could not contain himself, but snatched up a flagon that happened to be near, and gave her a very deep wound on her head, the cost of curing which was very considerable. This woman sitting at another time among her gossips, said openly, My husband does not dare to break my head any more, he paid so dearly for the last cure. This being told to the husband, he sent for the apothecary and surgeon, and, calling for his wife, when they arrived, he paid each of them their bill, and also gave them money in advance, in earnest of the next cure she might require. We need not say, the husband was not further annoyed.

1263. An Irishman said to his companions on Christmas Eve, he did not mean to have a plum-pudding for dinner next day. Why so? asked they. Och, I have raisons for it. Then you did intend it, since you have got the _raisins_.

1264. A gentleman passing in dirty weather through a street in which the pavement had been broken up, got bespattered with mud―on looking about him in his distress, he saw written up on a board, “No thorough-fare”―Egad, said he, they may well say that; for I have proved it _thorough foul_.

1265. A distinguished gentleman, whose nose and chin are both very long, and who has lost his teeth, whereby the nose and chin are brought very close together, was told, I am afraid your nose and chin will fight before long, they approach each other so very menacingly. I was afraid of it myself, replied the gentleman, for a good many words have passed between them already.

1266. A servant, near Limerick, at the time that everybody was required to deliver in their arms, wrote to his master at Dublin, that he had secured the fire arms, having sent all the pokers and tongs to the barracks.

1267. A young lady at the Exhibition at the Suffolk Street Gallery, looking at a subject of still life,―plates, dishes, &c., asked the gentleman who accompanied her, to look in the catalogue and see what it was; he replied, A study. Why, goodness, said she, I took it for a kitchen!

1268. A fine ship was lately launched, at which Sir Henry Tempest attended. A wag observed, What a pity it is, that a tempest should accompany such a launch.

1269. On the expulsion of Mr. Jones from the Irish House of Commons, a punning wag remarked, that this was not In-I-go Jones―but Out-I-go Jones.

1270. Of a person as remarkable for his irregularity as for his musical talents, it was aptly remarked, that the whole tenor of his conduct was thorough base.

1271. A fashionable Irish gentleman having made a purchase of Hume’s History of England, went into a bookseller’s shop to have it most elegantly bound. What binding would you like best? asked the bookseller, would you like it bound in Russia? In Russia! exclaimed the man of fashion; Oh, no, no, that is too far off, I’d rather have it bound in Bond Street.

1272. A very corpulent gentleman travelling in the north, was walking backwards and forwards in front of an inn, while the horses were changing. One of the gapers, an inhabitant of the place, had a mind to be witty: viewing the gentleman’s person, he accosted him with―I see, sir, you carry your portmanteau before ye. Certainly, said he, I always think it requisite to have it under my eye, when passing through a suspicious looking place.

1273. Grattan being asked his opinion of the valour of a certain captain, who from excess of feeling put up with a severe castigation, replied, That he thought it odd, for to his knowledge the captain had fought. Who, who? cried his informant. Shy, said the witty barrister.

1274. A trader in Dublin, said one day to his friend, I will be ruined. I am sorry for it, said the other, but if you will be ruined, you know no one can prevent it.

1275. A gentleman being much pressed in company to sing a song, observed pettishly, That they only wanted to make a butt of him. By no means, my dear fellow, rejoined one of his tormentors, we only want to get a stave out of you.

1276. A Welchman coming to London to pursue a suit at law, chanced to steal a sow, for which he was taken and burnt in the hand. His friends asked him, when he arrived home, How the law went with him? Priddie well, said he, for hur has got hur in hur hand.

1277. What did Mr. King die of? asked a simple neighbour. Of a complication of disorders, replied his friend. How do you describe a complication, my good sir? He died, rejoined the other, of two physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon.

1278. Parson Hawkins passing the River Wye, to Biford, where he lived, had with him one Bartholomew Herring, who, being heavy laden, fell over the side of the boat into the river; Hawkins cried out, Save the man, save the man. Herring answered, Hold your tongue, am I not in my element!

1279. Serjeant Hoskins having married an old widow, and being asked by a companion of his, Why he did not marry a young woman? answered, He had a maxim for it in his accidence, In _legendis veteribus proficiscis_, [In reading old authors thou dost profit.]

1280. A young man walking along Cheapside, espied a house shut up, with a bill over the door, showing that the house and shop were to be let. He asked a person at the next door, If the shop might be let alone? Yes, replied the other, you may let it alone, for anything I know.

1281. A gownsman at Cambridge was once bargaining with Fordham for a horse; the latter was taken suddenly very ill and died; there were very few pounds between them in respect to the price. The gownsman, not knowing what had occurred, called next morning at the yard, and asked to see Mr. Fordham. Master, sir, said the ostler, is dead, but he left word you should have the horse.

1282. A caravan of wild beasts arriving lately in an American village, the elephant was accommodated in a large carriage-house―where, it appeared, a tall two-fisted negro from the country, who had never seen or heard of an elephant, had lain down to sleep. On waking, blacky was not a little astonished at his strange bed-fellow. What could it be? The devil! The huge mass moved, when lo, a tail at both ends put an end to all doubt, and, with one despairing leap, he was out of the loft window, without once calculating upon the chance of breaking his neck. In the fulness of his astonishment and joy at his escape, he could tell no more of the occasion of his alarm, than of a devil with two tails, and describe in his best way, an extending, contracting, flexible tail, that no distance could secure you from.

1283. The following anecdote is related of Lessing, the German author, who, in his old age, was subject to extraordinary fits of abstraction. On his return home one evening, after he had knocked at his door, the servant looked out of the window to see who was there; not recognizing his master in the dark, and mistaking him for a stranger, he called out, The Professor is not at home. Oh, very well, replied Lessing, no matter, I will call another time; and very composedly walked away.

1284. A young clergyman finding it impossible to provide for his family with his very slender income, wrote to his friend―Dear Frank, I must part with my living to save my life.

1285. A bookseller in Paris being lately asked for a copy of the ‘Constitution of 1814,’ replied―Sir, I keep no periodicals.

1286. A lecturer on the history of chemistry, thus described the celebrated Mr. Boyle: He was a great man, a very great man; he was father of modern chemistry, and brother of the Earl of Cork.

_A Receipt to make an Epigram._

BY LORD HERVEY.

A pleasing subject first with care provide; Your matter must with nature be supplied; Nervous your diction, be your measure long, Nor fear your verse too stiff if sense be strong: In proper places proper numbers use, And now the quicker, now the slower chuse: Too soon the dactyl the performance ends, But the slow spondee coming thoughts suspends; Your last attention on the sting bestow, To that your good or ill success you’ll owe; For there, not wit alone must shine, but humour flow. Observing these, your epigram’s completed; Nor fear ’twill tire, though seven times repeated.

_On Ben Jonson’s Bust set up in Westminster Abbey, with the buttons on the wrong side of his coat._

BY THE REV. SAMUEL WESLEY.

O rare Ben Jonson! What, a turn-coat grown! Thou ne’er wert such till thou wert clad in stone. When time thy coat, thy only coat, impairs, Thou’lt find a patron in a hundred years: Then let not this mistake disturb thy sprite, Another age shall set thy buttons right.

_On Quin’s comparing Garrick to Whitfield, and complaining, that the people were madding it after him._

BY G―CK.

Pope Quin, who damns all churches but his own, Complains that heresy misleads the town, That Whitfield-Garrick does corrupt the age, And taints the sound religion of the stage. ―Thou great infallible! forbear to roar; Thy bulls and errors are revered no more: Where doctrines meet with general approbation, It is not heresy, but reformation.

_On Miss Biddy Floyd._ BY DEAN SWIFT.

When Cupid did his grandsire Jove intreat, To form some beauty by a new receipt, Jove sent and found, far in a country scene, Truth, innocence, good-nature, looks serene; From which ingredients first the dextrous boy Picked the demure, the awkward, and the coy: The Graces from the court did next provide Breeding, and wit, and air, and decent pride; These Venus cleansed from every spurious grain Of nice, coquet, affected, pert, and vain: Jove mixed up all, and his best clay employed, Then called the happy composition, Floyd.

_On the Gravestone of a Blacksmith, buried in Chester Church-yard._

My sledge and hammer lie reclined, My bellows too have lost their wind; My fire’s extinct, my forge decayed, And in the dust my vice is laid; My coal is spent, my iron’s gone, My nails are drove, my work is done; My fire-dried corpse lies here at rest, My soul, smoke like, is soaring to be blest.

_On a Monument intended to be erected for Mr. Rowe, by his Widow._

_Written before Mr. Dryden’s was set up._

BY MR. POPE.

Thy reliques, Rowe, to this fair shrine we trust, And, sacred, place by Dryden’s awful dust. Beneath a rude and nameless stone he lies, To which thy tomb shall gain inquiring eyes: Peace to thy gentle shade, and endless rest, Blest in thy genius, in thy love too blest; One grateful woman to thy fame supplied What a whole thankless land to his denied.

_On Maids._

Most maids resemble Eve now in their lives, Who are no sooner women, but they’re wives.

_On Giles Jacob, the Poet._ BY DR. SEWELL.

Parent of dulness! genuine son of night! Total eclipse! without one ray of light: Born when dull midnight bells for funerals chime, Just at the closing of the bellman’s rhyme.

BY DEAN SWIFT.

As Thomas was cudgelled one day by his wife, He took to his heels and ran for his life: Tom’s three dearest friends came by in the squabble, And skreened him at once from the shrew and the rabble; Then ventured to give him some wholesome advice: But Tom is a fellow of humour so nice, Too proud to take counsel, too wise to take warning, He sent to all three a challenge next morning: He fought with all three, thrice ventured his life, Then went home again, and was thrashed by his wife.

_Translated from_ BUCHANAN.

_Beginning_, Pauper eram juvenis, _&c._

Poor, when in youth, now worn with feeble age I’m rich; but wretched still in either stage: When wealth I could enjoy I then had none; Now plenty’s come, all power of use is gone.

_On a Company of bad Dancers to good Music._ BY MR. BUDGELL.

How ill the motion with the music suits! So Orpheus fiddled, and so danced the brutes.

_The Lover’s Legacy._

Unhappy Strephon, dead and cold, His heart was from his bosom rent, Embalmed, and in a box of gold, To his beloved Kitty sent.

Some ladies might, perhaps, have fainted, But Kitty smiled upon the bauble; A pin-cushion, said she, I wanted, Go put it on the dressing-table.

_The Scotch Weather-Wife._

Scotland, thy weather’s like a modish wife; Thy winds and rains maintain perpetual strife; So termagant, a while, her thunder hies; And when she can no longer scold―she cries.

_On Milton._ BY MR. DRYDEN.

Three poets, in three distant ages born, Greece, Italy, and England did adorn; The first in loftiness of thought surpast; The next in majesty; in both the last. The force of nature could no farther go― To make a third she joined the former two.

_Written, in the leaves of a Fan._

BY DR. ATTERBURY, A LATE BISHOP OF ROCHESTER.

Flavia the least and slightest toy, Can with resistless art employ: This fan in meaner hands would prove An engine of small force in love; Yet she with graceful air and mien, Not to be told or fairly seen, Directs its flowing motion so, That it wounds more than Cupid’s bow; Gives coolness to the matchless dame, To every other breast a flame.

_Written in Miss F―’s Pew at I― Church._