Part 8

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon after Sir Rob. W― had married Miss S―, and overhearing him tell a gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad his friends were pleased with what he had done―Ay, and so are your enemies too, said he.

369. The Earl of C―d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across the shoulders of Sir Harry ―, who took it very patiently. Some time after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know whom we beat.

370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said, Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green geuse, I would split your ween.

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a falsehood as I did.

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom.

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty.

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my lord the archbishop?

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.

384. Dr. M―d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do won’t lend me a farthing.

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have been dangerous.

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock fight.

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my house.

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not; Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.

390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition, was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king, instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how to keep a secret as well as you.

391. Mr. T―s C―r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my father’s money.

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other, hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.

394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood the Spaniard’s meaning.

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of? Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer. Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example, getting rid of part of my retinue.

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it, one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will find this one of them.

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures, thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred, a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand; Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has not forgot a cipher.

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty: Neither one nor t’other.

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of anything but a purse to put it in.

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all the flip’s spilt.

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.

410. The Duke of ― asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’ ends.

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could never live by his style.

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and I think it would be best to have it acted there.

415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers first?

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at a place where Lady T―nd was, and complaining in the midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your lordship had no side, said she.