Part 6

269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, _Ecce conniculi multi_. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him―Who, said he, would have thought that the conies understood Latin?

270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?

271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he’s a brave fellow, and sticks close to Catherine Hall―[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy.

272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I’ll tell you what you may do, you may get somebody else if you can.

273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his crutch than his leg.

274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn, seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a twirl round, saying, there’s half a crown for you, countryman. The former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there’s two shillings of your money again.

275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he, I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don’t like such jests.

276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the other, you don’t know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great purchase, indeed, replied the other.

277. The old earl of B―d, one of the most facetious men of his time, being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12 o’clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time: at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won’t be angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my liege, the clock struck first.

278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again.

279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks, madam, of a woman’s promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like your picture; your picture must sit to you.

281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don’t care how softly you speak. Don’t tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money, or I’ll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you’ll be forced to hold your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause.

282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well, says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of this lord and t’other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that’s impossible, says another, unless you mean her coachman.

283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth’s time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger, and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a good Pass-over.

284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.

285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse than he thought.

286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like the power of a witch―he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians, said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into water again.

287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money? Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they’ll never ask thee for’t; I shall be dunning thee every day.

288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the captain, prithee what’s he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and your honour will have double service of him, for we had two sheep-stealers in the company before.

289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of the way: Well, says the fellow, I’m resolved I’ll up to town, and the king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king could make a man a-peer at any time.

290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make his wit suspected.

291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a fool.

292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of a bishop, another, for the jest’s sake, bowed his knee to ask a blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said, Prithee rise, there’s nothing in’t indeed, friend.

293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.

294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself, bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.

295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. I’m sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst not be so saucy.

296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which everybody knows is one step towards grace.

297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy to pay them.

298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep themselves sober.

299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune, told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her.

300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith, madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London impudence.

301. I’ll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very handsome. Pho, said she, so you’d say, though you did not think so. And so you’d think, answered he, though I should not say so.

302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second’s time, who had paid a tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced, he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story, told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when he had denied his suit. The rather, an’t please your majesty, replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright honesty.

303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d’ye-do to an acquaintance of hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition.

304. ’Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked, Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you’ll find him.

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France. Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets half way to Dover.

307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity. Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment, to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for the net now the fish is caught.

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales; with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could, called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so kind as throw my horse after me.

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really, replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you said.

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits, said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between son and son.

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C―d of the false taste of several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to see.

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears―Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one: Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob, cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s asses, and lo! here I have found them.

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What! cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text; which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University, which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon, he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and take your rest―and so left the University.

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door, with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a donkey.

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented, though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father, to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a fair.

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by, to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough already.

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire, asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell thee;―he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the other, but you know not Which-wood.

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.