Part 23

1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you would give me two I would not come out.

1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done with the caudle as he bid him. What’s that? said the master, Why, sir, replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with an _h_. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no _h_.

1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler’s wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer’s grains will scour it off presently.

1183. Some gentlemen were sitting in a coffee-house together, one was asking what news there was? The other told him, There were forty thousand men rose that day,―which made them all stare, and ask him to what end they rose, and what they intended? Why faith, said he, only to go to bed at night again.

1184. In the time of the Rump, two Rump parliament men being in a boat, said one of them, You watermen are hypocrites; for you row one way and look another. O sir, said one of the watermen, we have not plyed so long at Westminster, but we have learned something of our masters, that is, to pretend one thing and act another.

1185. A person hiring a lodging, said to the landlady, I assure you, madam, I am so much liked, that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears. Perhaps, said she, you always go away without paying.

1186. An alehouse girl took it into her head to be catechised at church. The parson asked her what was her name? La, sir, said she, how can you pretend not to know my name, when you come to our house so often, and cry, ten times in an evening, Nan, you slut, bring us another pot!

1187. Smiths, of all the handicraft men, are the most irregular; for they never think themselves better employed, than when they are at their vices.

1188. A child of one of the crew of his majesty’s ship Peacock, during the action with the United States vessel, Hornet, amused himself with chasing a goat between decks. Not in the least terrified by the destruction and death all around him, he persisted, till a cannon-ball came and took off both the hind legs of the goat, when seeing her disabled, he jumped astride, crying, Now I’ve caught you.

1189. Charles the Second asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince, made him afraid to trust himself. But will your majesty, continued he, permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches in parliament? Why, doctor, replied the king, I’ll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face!

1190. The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent looking woman was recommended for the situation. But, said the housekeeper, I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness; as she is a soldier’s wife, and these people are generally loose characters. What is it you say? said the duke, who had just entered the room―a soldier’s wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire, that the woman may be immediately engaged.

1191. A man that had been terribly troubled with lawsuits, went one day to Tyburn to see an execution, and then swore ’twas better to have to do with Tyburn than Westminster Hall; for there, suits hang half a year, but at Tyburn, half an hour’s hanging ends all.

1192. Some men sitting drinking together, were praising the ale about England, as Hull ale, Margate ale, Cheshire ale, and Lambeth ale. One said there was in London to his knowledge the best in all England; and yet, said another, there’s as good ale in England, as in London.

1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a peace warrant against the justice,―as, he said, he stood in fear of his life from him.

1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do you kick him again?

1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied, That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold.

1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he, nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.

1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field, which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His dinner hour was later.

1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree, that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism.

1199. ― was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between himself and the two scholars; upon which, ― laid the two large fishes in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your majesty’s mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side are one little and two great.

1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to follow the holy founder of our order, but ’tis so long since he went before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along.

1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis, penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the partridges too. The dish was gold.

1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing, presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to cry first.

1203. Admiral Duncan’s address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions, previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous―Gentlemen, you see a severe Winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire.

1204. Johnson did not like to be over-fondled: when a certain gentleman out-acted his part in this way, he is said to have demanded of him, What provokes your risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand? If I have, I ask pardon of the rest of the company.

1205. A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, Well, Mary, where do you live now? Please, Ma’am, I don’t live nowhere now, rejoined the girl, I’m married!

1206. A tobacconist having set up his chariot, in order to anticipate the jokes that might be passed on the occasion, displayed on it the Latin motto of “_Quid rides_.” Two sailors who had often used his shop, seeing him pass by in his carriage, the one asked the meaning of the inscription, when his companion said it was plain enough, repeating them as two English words, Quid rides.

1207. Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call them black berries, when they were red. Don’t you know, said his friend, that blackberries are always red when they are green!

1208. An Athenian, who wanted eloquence, but was very brave, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great affairs, got up, and said, Men of Athens, all that he has said, I will do.

1209. Louis XII. being at his castle of Plassey, near Tours, went one evening into the kitchen, where he found a boy turning the spit. The lad had something in his countenance which prepossessed the king in his favour, and he demanded who he was. The boy, not knowing the king, replied with simplicity, that his name was Stephen―that he came from Berri―and that he gained as much as the king. How much gains the king? demanded Louis, with some degree of astonishment. His expenses, said the boy, and I gain mine. This answer so much pleased the monarch, that he appointed him one of the valets-de-chambre.

1210. When Pope Clement XIV. (Ganganelli) ascended the papal chair, the ambassadors of the different states waited on him with congratulations: when they were introduced, they bowed, and he returned the compliment by bowing likewise; the master of the ceremonies told his holiness he should not have returned their salute. O, I beg your pardon, said the pontiff, I have not been pope long enough to forget good manners.

1211. It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter of other persons’ tables, that he never opened his mouth but at somebody’s expense.

1212. A link-boy asked Dr. Burgess, the preacher, if he would have a light? No, child, said the doctor, I am one of the lights of the world. I wish then, replied the boy, you were hung up at the end of our alley, for we live in a terrible dark one.

1213. Two very honest fellows, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how he could afford to under sell him everywhere as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, answered the other, I steal them ready made.

1214. Two sporting men discoursing about a horse that had lost a race, one of them, by way of apology, observed, That the cause of it was an accident, his running against a waggon; to which the other, who affected not to understand him, archly replied, Why, what else was he fit to run against?

1215. A fellow stole Lord Chatham’s large gouty shoes: his servant not finding them, began to curse the thief. Never mind, said his lordship, all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!

1216. Sir Isaac Newton, one evening in winter, feeling it extremely cold, instinctively drew his chair very close to the grate, in which a fire had been recently lighted. By degrees, the fire being burnt up, Sir Isaac began to feel the heat intolerably intense, and rang his bell with unusual violence. John was not at hand; he at last made his appearance, by the time Sir Isaac was almost literally roasted. Remove the grate, you lazy rascal! exclaimed Sir Isaac, in a tone of irritation very uncommon with that amiable and placid philosopher; remove the grate, ere I am burned to death? Please your honour, might you not rather draw back your chair? said John, a little waggishly. Upon my word, said Sir Isaac, smiling, I never thought of that.

1217. A judge, on passing sentence of death upon an Irishman, said as usual, I have nothing now to do but to pass the dreadful sentence of the law upon you. Oh, don’t trouble yourself on my account, interrupted Pat. I must do my duty, resumed the judge:―you must go from hence to the place of execution, where you are to be hanged by your neck till you are dead; and the Lord have mercy on your soul! I am much obliged to you, said the prisoner, but I never heard of any one thriving after your prayers.

1218. Triboulet, the fool of Francis the First, was threatened with death by a man in power, of whom he had been speaking disrespectfully; and he applied to the king for protection. Be satisfied, said the king; if any man shall put you to death, I will order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour after. Ah, Sir! replied Triboulet, I should be much obliged, if your Majesty would order him to be hanged a quarter of an hour before.

1219. An Irishman, having bought a sheep’s head, had been to a friend for a direction to dress it. As he was returning, repeating the method, and holding his purchase under his arm, a dog snatched it, and ran away. Now, my dear joy, said the Irishman, what a fool you make of yourself! what use will it be to you, as you don’t know how it is to be dressed?

1220. A penurious citizen, who used to feed his apprentices with nothing but lights and livers, and such like trash, having appointed to meet one of his men in the fields, the fellow came to him with a heavy clog upon his neck; his master asking him his reason for so doing, he answered him, That he had fed so long on lights, that he was forced to carry that weight about him, lest the air should blow him away.

1221. Dryden’s wife complained to him that he was always reading, and took little notice of her: I wish, said she, that I was a book, and then I should enjoy more of your company. Yes, my dear, replied Dryden, I wish you were a book―but an almanack, I mean, for then I should change you every year.

1222. Two gentlemen having wagered upon the number of characteristic specimens of native brilliancy they should encounter in a rural excursion, one of them thus addressed a stone-breaker on the road:―My good fellow, were the devil to come now, which of us two would he carry away? After a little hesitation, that savoured of unexpected dulness, the man modestly lifting up his eyes from his work, answered, Me, sir. Annoyed by the stolidity of this reply, the querist pressed him for a reason: Because, your honour, he would be glad of the opportunity to catch myself―he could have you at any time.

1223. A gentleman meeting another upon the high road, riding upon an exceedingly lean horse, and with a great stick by his side, asked the reason why he was so armed: he replied, That it was to defend his person and keep off false knaves. But, sir, said he, in my mind you had better have ridden with a gun. Why so? said the horseman. To keep away the crows, who are waiting to prey upon the carrion you are riding upon.

1224. When Brummell retired to France, he was altogether ignorant of French, and obtained a grammar for the purpose of study. Scrope Davies being asked what progress he had made, replied, That Brummell had been stopped like Bonaparte in Russia, by the elements.

1225. A thatcher being at work upon a cold Christmas Eve, and beating his arms about his ribs to warm himself, a fellow passing by, observed it, and said, You have but cold working there on the edge of the house. ’Tis very true, answered the old man, for I have wrought on a hundred Christmas Eves, and if I said a hundred more, I think I should not be wrong, and yet I vow I never felt such a cold one before.

1226. One going into Smithfield on a market-day, called to a horse-courser aloud, and said, Prithee, friend, how go horses to-day? Marry, as you see―some amble, some trot, some gallop.

1227. A pleasant fellow willing to put off a lame horse, rode him from the Sun Tavern, Cripplegate, to the Sun in Holborn, and the next day offered to sell him in Smithfield; a bidder asking why the horse looked so lean? was answered, It was no marvel, as he rode him yesterday from Sun to Sun, and never drew bit.

1228. One entering of a cold morning into a tavern with his friend, called to the waiter to have a fire quickly made, who brought wet faggots, which were long in kindling, making only a smothering smoke, while the sap fired apace out of the faggots; which observing, he said, I now perceive, and never knew before, from whence the river of Styx was derived.

1229. One meeting a drunkard reeling in the street, bade him stand up like a man; who answered him, That for his own part, he could stand well enough, but he could not make his shoes stand.

1230. A country farmer’s wife in the north, having a nice lad for her son, about seven years old, bid him fetch home the kine from the field, to be milked in the yard; there were six in number. The boy went as bid, and drove home but five. Marry, said his mother, what’s become of the sixth? She is turned down that deep dirty lane where I could not come at her, and I think she is going to the devil. To the devil! said the mother; nay, then stay, Bob, thy father shall go, as he has boots on.

1231. There was a man whose nose leaned more towards one side than the other; a friend disposed to have a laugh with him, said, I know what your nose is not made of, and I know of what it is. First, I can assure you, it is not made of wheat, and secondly, I will be fudged by all the company, if it be not made a-rye.

1232. A traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in company, when the letters came that brought the first news of his death, fetched a deep sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he has gone the way of all flesh. Nay, said another then standing by, if he is drowned, he has gone the way of all fish.

1233. One of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton House and dashed out a scholar’s brains. It happened not long after, that a good honest fellow, who could neither read nor write, being in company with three or four very ingenious gentlemen, upon a sudden broke out into a deep melancholy, and said, Well, I thank God I can neither read nor write. One of the others smiling, replied, You speak strangely, for I and the rest here thank God we can do both. All’s one for that, said he, yet let myself and others be thankful we can do neither. They asked his reason; he gave them this explanation, Because, said he, we can walk the street with a security that you bookmen cannot. They desired him to explain himself. Why, said he, if one letter falling from the top of a house, had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar, what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty letters? Now, thank heaven, I have nothing to do with letters, and I cannot see that letters have anything to do with me.

1234. Two country fellows meeting at an assizes in the country, one asked the other, What news, and how many were condemned to suffer? The other answered, This hath been the strangest session that ever was in my time; I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all; and is it not worth observation, that so many justices should sit on the bench, and not one thought proper to be hanged?

1235. Miss Pope was one evening in the green-room, commenting on the excellencies of Garrick, when, amongst other things, she said, he had the most wonderful eye imaginable―an eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a deal board. Ay, cried Wewitzer, I now understand what they call a gimlet eye.

1236. A worthy gentleman and good scholar had been a long time in disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to examine; but a friend of his, who was in great favour at court, persuaded the queen to give him an audience. The time came, and after the customary introduction, the queen said, I understand you are a great scholar; may I ask you one question? Anything, madam, said he, that I am capable of resolving. Then pray you, how many vowels are there? Madam, that is a question a schoolboy can resolve, but since you would be answered by me, there are five. Five, said her majesty―well, of these five, which can we best spare? Not any of them, madam, replied he, without corrupting our natural dialect. Yes, replied the queen, I can tell you, for of all these, we can (for our own part) best spare _u_ [you].