Part 13

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman, who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be made.

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman’s compliment, all others are insipid.

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket.

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged; and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two gentlemen’s clothes.

626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a drummer’s uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman’s suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don’t know what it is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his general.

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you’ll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my last folly.

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant, what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of York’s birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none of your blarney―sure ’twas the Prince Regent’s on Tuesday, and how can it be his brother’s to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins?

629. When General R― was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the general’s charity and the lady’s patience were nearly exhausted, though their petitioner’s wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old woman began―Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your honour’s honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure didn’t I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman, said the general, don’t you know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will give me the ’bacco.

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the three gentlemen under the table.

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at the bottom of the sea.

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty’s subjects, by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a billy-goat.

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and L’Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the commander, was brought aboard the admiral’s ship, where seeing Le Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of rams’ horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could bawl. Lord ― hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are not.

635. Dean ―, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The ceremony being over, the husband began “to sink in resolution,” and falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour, may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no, replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the burial ground.

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and twopences to be got.

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for the murders they had committed.

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you had brought this child to be christened.

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship’s crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it―Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o’clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I’ll bet you a bottle I live till nine!

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don’t you remember, about the third story you made a slip―I was then in hopes.

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short.

643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung.

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is only a relation.

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby’s chocolate house, when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again.

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was a boy?

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends.

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for skimming the surface.

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them.

650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons.

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it would say, give me none of your jaw.

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me.

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave off drinking―he leave off two-tree time dis morning.

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the summons.

655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he! said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of my other generals.

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam, said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I that have dropped it.

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England’s rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down, and then I shall be right.

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with shrouds.

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, replied the other.

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye; your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning.

662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon going to a friend’s (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A _quietus_ for some time at least.

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William.

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss.

667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The wooden walls of Ireland―the colonels of militia.

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it; For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America.

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you.

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment.

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do―they are the cause of all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better.

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, I have just reflected; I can’t fight with you. With this he returned his sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the city good friends.

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself, exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right, replied the honest divine,―it was the very best he ever did preach.