Part 12

There were also at this Time two Citizens of _Potu_, who for different Crimes were sentenc’d to Banishment, and were now preparing for their Journey. One of these was a Metaphysician, who had incurr’d this Punishment by disputing concerning the Essence of God, and the Nature of spiritual Substances. He had satisfy’d the Law for his first Offence of this Kind, by undergoing the Punishment of _the Arm_; but being a second Time detected, he was condemn’d to be banish’d to the Firmament. The other was a Fanatick, who having conceiv’d some Doubts concerning Religion, and concerning the civil Rights of the State, attempted to subvert the Foundations of each. He refus’d to obey the publick Laws, under Pretence that such Obedience was contrary to the Dictates of his Conscience. His Friends endeavour’d, by the most powerful Arguments, to cure him of this Conceit, by shewing him how many Delusions these Impulses of Conscience and imaginary Inspirations were subject to; they told him, that Zeal and Conscience were often confounded with Melancholy and certain corrupt Humours of the Body; they demonstrated to him the egregious Folly of thus appealing to the Authority of Conscience, and how unjust it was to contend that the Impulses of his Mind should be a Rule to others, who might make use of the same Argument, and oppose Conscience to Conscience. At last they prov’d to him, that whoever firmly held this Principle, pretending Conscience for his Disobedience, ought to be excluded from the Rights and Benefits of the Community, since every good Subject should pay an implicit Obedience to the Laws; but that a Fanatick neither cou’d nor wou’d pay such an Obedience, since his Conscience was his sole Rule of Politicks. But as these Reasons had no Effect upon the Mind of our Fanatick, he continued obstinate and incorrigible, and so was condemn’d to the Firmament. Thus at this Time there were only three of us to undergo this Punishment, a Projector, a Metaphysician, and a Fanatick.

About the Beginning of the Month of _Birches_, we were all carry’d from Prison to separate Places. What became of the Metaphysician and the Fanatick I know not, as being too full of Cares for myself to mind any Thing else. Being brought to the destin’d Place of Departure, I was forthwith thrust into the Box or Cage, with as much Provision as would serve me for two or three Days. Soon after this, when the Birds found no more Flies brought them, as if they took the Hint, they left the Place, and flew off with incredible Celerity. The Distance of the Firmament from the Planet _Nazar_, is reputed by the Subterraneans to be about an hundred Miles. How long I was in passing from the one to the other I cannot say, but to me this ætherial Voyage seem’d to be no more than about four and twenty Hours. After a profound Silence, at last a confus’d Noise seem’d to reach my Ears, from whence I conjectur’d I was not far from Land. Then it was I perceiv’d that these Birds had been carefully exercis’d and instructed; for with great Art and Care they landed their Burden, so as not in the least to injure or hurt it. In a Moment I was surrounded with a prodigious Number of Monkies, the Sight of which put me into a very great Fright, remembring what I had suffer’d from these Animals upon the Planet _Nazar_. But my Fright redoubled, when I heard these Monkies articulately discourse with one another, and when I beheld them clad in diverse-colour’d Vestments. I then conjectur’d that they were the Inhabitants of this Country. But as after that Heap of Wonders I had been accustom’d to, nothing now could well seem new or strange, I began to recover my Courage, especially as I had observ’d that these Creatures approach’d me with an Air of Civility and Good-nature, taking me gently out of my Cage, and receiving me with the Humanity due to Strangers. Even Ambassadors in our World are hardly receiv’d with more Ceremony than I was. They all came one after another, and address’d me in these Words, _Pul Asser_. When they had repeated this Salutation pretty often, I repeated the same Words. Upon this they set up an immoderate Laugh, and by a Multitude of comic Gestures, signify’d they were highly delighted to hear me pronounce them. This made me conclude these People to be a light, babbling Race of Creatures, and vast Admirers of Novelty. When they spoke, you wou’d think so many Drums were beating, with so much Volubility, and so little out of Breath, they held on their Chattering. In a Word, as to Dress, Manners, Speech, and Form of Body, they were the very Reverse of the _Potuans_. At first they were all astonish’d at my Figure, and the chief Reason of that Astonishment was, that I wanted a Tail. For as among the whole Brute Creation none so much resemble the human Form as Monkies, so, had I had a Tail, they would have taken me for one of their own Species, especially as all those who had hitherto been transported from the Planet _Nazar_ to this Place, were of a Form extremely unlike their own. About the Time of my Arrival here the Sea ran very high, by reason of the near Approach of the Planet _Nazar_: For as with us the Tides of the Ocean correspond with the Course of the Moon, so the Ocean of this Firmament increases and decreases according to the Vicinity or Remoteness of the aforesaid Planet.

Presently I was conducted to a very noble House, all beautifully set off with costly Stone, Marble, Mirrors, Vases, and Tapestry. At the Gate were Centinels posted, which gave me to understand that this could not be the Dwelling of a vulgar Monkey. And I was soon inform’d, that it was the House of the Consul or chief Magistrate. He was very desirous of conversing with me, and therefore hir’d some Masters to instruct me in their Language. Near three Months had been spent upon my Instruction, at the Expiration of which, as I could now speak the Tongue pretty fluently, I hop’d to gain the Applause and Admiration of all, upon Account of the Forwardness of my Genius, and the Strength of my Memory. But my Tutors thought me slower and duller than ordinary, insomuch that they lost all Patience, and threaten’d to leave me off. And as at _Potu_ I was call’d in Derision _Scabba_, or Quick-Parts, so here, by reason of my Stupidity and Dulness, they gave me the Name of _Kadicoran_, which signifies a Clown, or Dunce. For those alone are here esteem’d, who are quick and nimble, and cover their Sense in a confus’d and rapid Volley of Words. While I was learning the Monkey-Language, my Host took me round the City, which I beheld dissolv’d in every Kind of Luxury. What with the Multitude of Coaches, Chaises, Valets, and a Croud of People hurrying every Way, we were obliged to use a Sort of Force to get on. Yet this was nothing, if compar’d to that Luxury which reign’d in the Metropolis, where, as in its Center, you might see all that mortal Vanity could invent. Being now taught the Language, I was brought to this famous Capital by my Host, who hop’d to purchase the Favour of a Senator, by making him a Present of so uncommon a Curiosity as I was. For the Form of Government here is aristocratical, so that the Sovereign Authority resides in the Grand Senate, the Members of which are all noble from first to last. None of plebeian Family can ever hope to be more than a Centurion or Prætor in the Provinces or lesser Cities. Sometimes, indeed, one of this Class may arrive at the Consulate, yet never without some very extraordinary Merit. Thus it was my Host obtain’d the Consulship; for so fertile was his Genius, that in the Space of one Month, he projected twenty-eight new Laws. And though not half of them were calculated for the Good of the Publick, yet they were Specimens of a fruitful Invention, and procur’d him a great Character. For throughout the whole subterranean World, there is no Place where Projectors are in more Esteem than in this. The capital City is call’d _Martinia_; it gives Name to the whole Country, and is famous for its fine Situation, for the Grandeur of its Buildings, its Commerce, and naval Force. For Extent of Ground, and Number of Inhabitants, I believe it may rival _Paris_. So crouded was every Street, that we were forc’d to beat our Way through to go to that Part of the City where the Syndick of the Senate liv’d. For he it was to whom the Consul was to present me.

When we drew near to the Syndick’s House, my Friend the Consul went into an Inn, to put himself in Order, and to compose his Person and Habit in a Manner fit to appear before the Syndick. Immediately there appear’d a little Army of occasional Valets or Footmen, commonly call’d _Maskatti_, whose Assistance every one makes use of before they enter the Palaces of the Senators. These brush your Cloaths, take out the Spots, and with the exactest Care adjust whatever is discompos’d, even to the smallest Plait. One of these _Maskatti_ took the Consul’s Sword, and wip’d it clean and bright, and then return’d it him. Another dress’d his Tail with Ribbands of various Colours: For these Monkies have nothing more at Heart than the Ornaments of their Tails. There were some Senators, and especially some of the Wives of the Senators, whose Tails on high Occasions could scarcely be dress’d out to the best Advantage under two or three hundred Pounds Sterling. A third approach’d the Consul with a geometrical Instrument, to take the Dimensions of his Cloaths, and to see if all hung in due Proportion. A fourth brought a Bottle of Paint, and with it improv’d his Visage. A fifth examin’d his Feet, from which he par’d the Superfluities. A sixth brought him perfum’d Water to wash with. In short, one brought a Towel, another a Comb, another a Looking-Glass, and all with an Exactness not inferior to that of a Geometrician measuring and adorning his Map. Oh! thought I to myself, how much Time and Expence must the Dress of the Ladies here require, when there is so much Fuss in tricking out one of our Sex? And, indeed, the _Martinian_ Ladies exceed all Bounds, and cover their Defects with such a Load of Paint, as makes their Persons offensive. For when the Sweat and Paint are pretty well united, it exhales an Odour like that of your great Kitchens; what you smell you know not, but this you know, that it is something very disagreeable.

My Host thus painted, powder’d, comb’d and polish’d, went to the Syndick’s Palace, attended only with three Valets. When he came to the Court-Yard he pull’d off his Shoes, lest he should afterwards disoblige the Marble Floor with Dirt or Dust. He was forc’d to stay a full Hour before the Syndick was inform’d that he was there, nor was he introduc’d without a proper Gratification to some of the Guards and Servants. The Syndick, seated on a gilt Settee, as soon as he espy’d me entring with my Host, burst out into an ungovernable Laughter, and afterward ask’d me a thousand trifling, foolish Questions. To every Reply I made him, he redoubled his Fits of Laughter.

_Ingeminat tremulos naso crispante cachinnos._

For my Part, I was of Opinion, that to play the Buffoon was reckon’d among the Virtues here, since the Government had made this Person Syndick, which is the second Dignity in the Senate; and I observ’d as much to my Friend. But he assur’d me, he was a Monkey of great Abilities, as appear’d from the Multitude of Business of various Sorts, which even in his greener Years he went through. For such was his Readiness of Perception, that even over a Glass he would transact Affairs of the utmost Weight; nay even at Dinner, or at Supper, between the Courses, he would often draw up a new Law. I enquir’d if such Laws, conceiv’d in so short a Space of Time, were of any considerable Duration. To this he only reply’d, that like other Laws they continued in Force, till it pleas’d the Senate to abrogate or repeal them.

The Syndick, having convers’d with me about half an Hour, and with full as great a Degree of Loquacity as our _European_ Barbers, turn’d himself about to my Friend, and told him, he would take me into the Number of his Servants, though upon Account of my slow Intellects he much doubted whether I could be good for any Thing. _I have myself_, reply’d my Friend the Consul, _observ’d a natural Torpor or Dulness in him, but give him Time for Reflexion, and you will find he has no contemptible Judgment_. That signifies little here, return’d the Syndick, since our Multiplicity of Business admits of no Delay. With these Words he fell to examining my Limbs and my Body, and after having survey’d them a short Time, he commanded me to lift up a certain Weight from the Ground, which I did without much Trouble. Upon this he told me, that though Nature had been unkind to me with respect to my Intellects, yet that she had in a Manner compensated that Defect by an extraordinary Strength of Body. I was then order’d to withdraw to another Apartment, where the Domesticks and Attendants receiv’d me with a good deal of Pleasure, though their excessive Impertinence and Gestures were troublesome enough. So many Questions they ask’d me concerning our World, I knew not how to answer them, and so gave them what came uppermost, some Truth, some Falshood, just to allay their impatient Curiosity.

At length my Friend returning, told me his Excellence did me the Honour to retain me in his Court. From the foregoing Conversation of the Syndick I could guess, that the Employment design’d for me was no very important one, probably his Valet, or his Butler; and upon enquiring what it was, my Friend said to me, His Excellence has been graciously pleas’d to appoint you one of his Body Chairmen, with an annual Salary of twenty-five _Stercolates_. (A _Martinian Stercolate_ is equal to about seven Shillings and Six-pence _Sterling_.) He has moreover engag’d, that you shall have the Honour of carrying only himself, or his Lady. I was thunderstruck with this Answer, and remonstrated in the most pathetic Manner how unworthy an Office this was for one of my ingenuous Education and Family. But some Courtiers rushing in in Heaps, interrupted me from speaking more, and half kill’d me with their Impertinence. For all the _Martinians_ are light, frothy, talking Creatures, that have a smooth, fluent Jargon of Words, without the least Mixture of Seriousness or Gravity. At length I was conducted to an Apartment, where Supper was ready; and having taken a moderate Repast, I retir’d to my Repose.

I threw myself upon my Bed, but such was the Disorder of my Mind, I could take no Sleep. The Disdain I was receiv’d with shock’d me to the highest Degree, and nothing less than a _Spartan_ Patience could digest so gross an Indignity. I heartily deplor’d my Fate, which seem’d severer now than what I had experienc’d in the Planet _Nazar_, and I could not help saying to myself, “What would here become of the _Kadoki_, or High Chancellor of _Potu_, a Person of inestimable Worth in his own Country, but who requir’d at least an intire Month to form a new Law? What would be the Fate of _Palmka_ in this Place, where the Senators make Laws between the Courses at Meals?” After a serious Consideration, I found myself translated from a Land of Sages to a Country of Fools. At last being tir’d with thinking, Sleep overpower’d me. I know not how long I slept, since there is here no Difference between Night and Day. For it is never dark except at one stated Time, when the subterranean Sun is in an Eclipse by the Interposition of the Planet _Nazar_. This Eclipse is very remarkable, because the aforesaid Planet, being not far from the Firmament, overshadows the whole Sun, and so always makes the Eclipse total. But as this happens but seldom, it makes no Alteration of Season, which is here invariably the same upon Account of the constant Presence of the Sun. Hence the Inhabitants are forc’d to have Recourse to various Inventions, as Groves, Baths, Walks, and Grotto’s, to qualify the Heat.

I was scarce awake, when a Monkey enter’d my Chamber, who told me he was my Comrade in Office, and with a slight Cord (being order’d so to do) he apply’d a fictitious Tail to my Posteriors, to make me look more like a Monkey. He then bid me get ready, because the Syndick within an Hour was to be carry’d to the Academy, to which Place he and his Brother Senators had receiv’d a formal Invitation. It seems there was to be a Promotion to a Doctor’s Degree at Ten o’Clock that Morning. It must be noted here, that though the Days are not distinguish’d from the Nights, by reason of the perpetual Presence of the Sun, yet are they distinguish’d into Hours, half Hours, and Quarters, and that by Means of Clocks or Hour-Glasses, so that Day and Night together take up about twenty-two Hours. Hence, if all the Clocks in the City were to stop at once, it would be impossible for the Citizens to recover the true Time, till they had consulted some of the Clocks in the next Neighbourhood. For there neither are, nor can be, any Sun-Dials, because there is never any Shadow, the Sun continually darting perpendicular Rays upon the Place. So that were you to dig a Well here, it would be illuminated to the Bottom. As to the Year, that is regulated and governed by the Course of the Planet _Nazar_ round the Sun.

At Ten o’Clock we took up his Excellence, and carry’d him to the Academy. Entring into the Auditory, we beheld the Doctors and Masters seated in Order, every one of which rose up as the Syndick pass’d by, and turning themselves about paid him their Compliments with their Tail. This is their Manner of doing Reverence. And this accounts for their Care in adorning their Tails. For my own Part, I confess these inverted Salutations seem’d extremely foolish and absurd. For to turn one’s Back upon any one, is among us a Mark of Indifference or Contempt: But every Nation has its particular Taste. The aforesaid Doctors and Masters were seated on each Side of the Auditory. In the lower Part of it was plac’d a Chair, in which sat the Candidate. Before the Act of Promotion, the following Question was discuss’d in a solemn Disputation, namely, _Whether the Sound, which Flies and other Insects make, comes through the Mouth, or the Posteriors?_ The President undertook the Defence of the former Opinion, which was attack’d by the Opponents with so much Ardour, that I was afraid it would have terminated in a bloody Battle. And most certainly they had come to Blows, but that the Senate rose up, and cool’d the Flame by their Authority. During the Dispute, a certain Monkey play’d upon a Pipe: This was the Moderator, who by the Management of his Musick, either in soft, or in smart Strains, would quicken the Dispute when it flagg’d and languish’d, or bring it down when it was noisy and violent. Tho’ very often all his Art had no Effect: So very hard a Matter it is to preserve the Temper, when the Dispute is upon such interesting Subjects. The same Thing often happens in our World, where, when the Dispute turns upon some very dubious and almost inexplicable Point, one may observe the Combatants are often work’d up to the most violent Agitations of Mind or Body. However, this threatning Quarrel which promis’d nothing but Blood and Slaughter, ended all in Compliments and Praises. Something like this obtains in our _European_ Universities, where, according to general Custom, the President, when the Dispute is clos’d, descends victorious and triumphant from the Chair.

This Preamble ended, they proceeded to the Act of Creation with these Ceremonies. The Candidate was plac’d in the Middle of the Auditory: Three of the University-Beadles walk’d gravely up to him, and threw a whole Pail-full of cold Water upon his Head; they then perfum’d him with Incense, and lastly gave him a Vomit to take off. Having perform’d this with the utmost Solemnity, they retir’d bowing, and declar’d him aloud a true and legitimate Doctor. Amaz’d at so many wonderful Ceremonies, I ask’d a certain learned Monkey who stood near me, the Meaning of all this. He told me, (pitying at the same Time my Ignorance) that by the Water, the Incense, and the Vomit, it was understood that the Candidate was to forsake his old Vices, and to assume a new Set of Manners, to distinguish him from the Vulgar. Hearing this, I deplor’d my own Stupidity, and full of Admiration, forbore to ask any farther Questions, for fear I should be thought to have never convers’d with any Thing above Brutes.

At last all the musical Instruments struck up at once, and the new Doctor, cloath’d in a Robe of Green, and girt with a Sash of the same Colour, was escorted home from the Auditory with all _Parnassus_ at his Heels. But as he was of a plebeian Family, he had not the Honour of a Coach, but was seated in a Vehicle not unlike a Wheelbarrow, and drawn by Hand, the University-Beadles marching before in their respective Habits. The Whole ended in a very handsome Entertainment, where the Guests drank so plentifully, that many of them were carried home extremely intoxicated, and were so ill for many Days after, that without the Help of proper Medicines they would hardly have recover’d. So that from the Beginning to the Ending of this whole Ceremony, nothing was wanting to the due Solemnity of it; and I protest, I never, even in our World, saw a more truly academical Promotion, or any Candidate commence Doctor more legitimately than this.