Part 13

In the Courts of Justice, Causes are dispatch’d with a surprizing Dexterity, and I was charm’d with that Readiness of Apprehension, that Velocity of conceiving Things, so peculiar to this Nation. Very often, before the Advocates have wound up their Pleadings, the Judges rise and give Sentence with equal Expedition and Elegance. I often frequented these Courts, to inform myself thoroughly of their Manner of Proceeding. At first hearing, their Decrees seem’d just and equitable enough; but upon a more careful Examination, they were in Reality absurd, unjust, and full of Contradictions, insomuch that I would sooner commit my Cause to the Chance of a Die, than to the Judgment of the _Martinian_ Lawyers. I forbear to say any Thing concerning the Laws of this People, by reason of the capricious Changes they perpetually undergo. They are as fickle in these as in their Fashions. Many are here punish’d for Crimes, which were not Crimes at the Time they were committed, but commence such by Virtue of an After-Law to make them so. For which Reason nothing is more common than Appeals from the inferior to the superior Courts, the Plaintiff having Hopes, that, while the Suit is depending, the old Law (which lost him his Cause in the lower Court) may be repeal’d. This is owing to the Suddenness with which their Laws are invented and promulged. Such Lovers of Novelty are this People, that they perfectly nauseate the most useful Statutes, solely upon Account of their Antiquity. The Advocates are in great Reputation for their Shrewdness in Disputation. Nay, there are some among them, who disdain to undertake a Cause that is not unjust, or at least very doubtful; for in so doing they might be depriv’d of an Occasion of exerting their Parts, and giving Specimens of their Ability to turn Black into White. The Judges will often favour a bad Cause, in Compliment to the Council for defending it so well. “We perceive well enough, say the Judges, the Injustice of this Cause, but then it has been manag’d with such inimitable Art, that in Justice to the Advocate for his Performance, we ought to strain a Point of Law.” The Students in this Profession are taught Law at different Prices; for Instance, Those who teach their Pupils to manage a bad Cause, or, according to the Proverb, to make the best of a bad Market, require twenty _Stercolates_ for their Trouble; the Art of managing a good one shall cost but ten. Their Forms of Law are so many, they resemble a huge _Chaos_, without Bottom and without Shore. For the _Martinians_, having a sublime Genius and a quick Perception, detest every Thing that’s plain and simple, and think nothing worth their Care that is not very knotty and intricate.

The same Taste prevails in Religion, which does not consist in Practice, but in idle Speculations. Thus there are two hundred and thirty different Opinions about the Form or Figure of the Supream Being, and three hundred and ninety-six about the Nature and Quality of Souls. The _Martinians_ never resort to their Temples or Churches with the View of hearing any Thing useful, or of improving themselves in the Art of living and dying well, but only to observe with what Art and Dexterity the holy Orators acquit themselves; for the more obscure their Language is, the more they are admir’d, their Audience having very little Relish for what they understand. More Pains are taken about the Expression, than about the Matter, the Preachers affecting the smooth, round Period more than the Strength of Reason, and the Audience expecting to be amus’d with a sounding Pomp of Words without a Meaning. For this Reason I did not dare say any Thing concerning the Christian Religion, which consisting of naked, simple Truths, could never recommend itself to their _Goût_.

Projectors are no where in so high Reputation as here. The more odd and impracticable the Scheme, the greater is the Inventor’s Glory. When I had accidentally been explaining to a certain Monkey the Nature of our terraqueous Globe, and had inform’d him that the Surface of it was inhabited, he presently conceiv’d a Project of digging through the Earth, and opening a Passage to the _Superterraneans_. This Device met with universal Applause, and a Society was thereupon instituted, and call’d THE SUPERTERRANEAN COMPANY, to which the Inhabitants flock’d in Shoals, and, according to the Language of those Times, bought in _Stocks_. However, as this Affair introduced a great deal of Confusion into the Kingdom, and ruin’d a Multitude of Families beyond Redemption, they found the Folly of the Scheme, and dropt it all at once. And though the Nation smarted so severely by it, yet the Projector not only escap’d with Impunity, but with almost general Praise, this People entertaining the highest Idea of his great Abilities.

Perceiving this Turn of Mind to prevail, I endeavour’d by the same Means to procure myself a Reputation among the _Martinians_, and to mend my Fortune by some new Project of my own. After a due Examination of the State of the Publick, I discover’d several Flaws in it. I saw the whole Country was full of the more subtle Sort of Artists, but that it labour’d under a Want of useful Traders and Workmen. Upon this I propos’d a Law for the Institution of certain Manufacturers, that might be of great Service to the Nation. But every Proposal of this Kind met with nothing but Sneers and Contempt from this vain People. I then accus’d my own Stupidity in these Terms, _What a Sot have I been? and how richly do I deserve to end my Days in the ignoble Office of Chairman?_ Yet I did not altogether despond, and being convinc’d I should never do them, nor myself, any Good by salutary Counsels, I resolv’d to try whether I could not get over the Difficulty by some ridiculous Invention or other. I open’d my Design to one of the gravest Monkeys I knew, who encourag’d me to it mightily. And when he prov’d to me, that Numbers there had made their Fortunes by mere Trifles and boyish Gewgaws, and more especially by the Invention of some new Fashion, I then resolv’d to swim with the Tide, and among Fools to play the Fool myself. Upon this I call’d to Mind all the most ridiculous and extravagant Inventions of _Europe_, and being at Liberty to pick and chuse, I fix’d upon those Ornaments of the Head, which we call _Perriwigs_, and determin’d with myself to introduce this Fashion. What contributed to bear me out in this Attempt, was the great Number of Goats in this Kingdom, whose Wool or Hair would be very proper for my Purpose. And as my good Tutor (now at Rest) long exercis’d the Occupation of a Perriwig-Maker, I was not altogether ignorant of the Art. In short, I procur’d some Goat’s Hair, and made a Perriwig fitted to my own Head, and thus adorn’d, I appear’d before the Syndick. Startled at so new and unusual an Appearance, he ask’d me what it was, and immediately snatching it from my Head, he put it upon his own, and run to the Glass to survey himself. But how shall I express his Wonder and Delight? He burst into an Ecstasy of Pleasure, crying, _O ye Gods!_ and forthwith sent for his Lady to join with him in his Joy. Her Wonder was equal to his, and embracing the Syndick, she vow’d she never saw any Thing so charming, and every Soul in the Family was of the same Opinion. The Syndick then turning towards me, _My dear_ Kakidoran, says he, _if this Invention of yours should take with the Senate as it does with me, you may promise yourself every Thing_. I thank’d his Excellence, and soon after put a Petition into his Hands, address’d to the Senate, which I begg’d the Favour of him to offer. It was conceiv’d in these Terms.

_Most Excellent, most Generous, most Illustrious, most Noble, and most Wise Senators._

“The natural Propensity, by which I am influenc’d to promote the publick Good, has now mov’d me to contrive this new and hitherto unheard-of Ornament for the Head, which here I most humbly offer to your Excellencies, and submit it to the Examination of this august Tribunal, not doubting but it will meet with a most gracious Reception, especially as the Invention must conduce to the Glory, as well as Ornament of the Nation, and make the admiring World confess, that the _Martinians_ excel the rest of Mortals, not only in the Virtues and Endowments of the Mind, but in those Ornaments of the Body which render the Person grand and majestick. I solemnly vow to all your Excellencies, that in this I never consulted my own Interest, and therefore I require no Reward: It is enough for me in my slender Capacity to have promoted the publick Welfare, and the Kingdom’s Honour. But if the most illustrious Senate are pleas’d to decree me a suitable Reward for my Labours, I shall receive it with a grateful Heart, that such their Munificence may be known throughout the World, and others animated to the like, or greater Inventions. In this View I cannot oppose the Liberality of the Senate and People of _Martinia_. As to the rest, I commend myself to the Favour of your Excellencies, and am,

_May it please your Excellencies_, _Your most obedient_, _And most humble Servant_, +Kakidoran+.” Martinia, _7th Day of_ Astral.

The Syndick produc’d the Petition with the Perriwig in open Senate. I heard that all Business was laid aside that Day, so much did the Examination of the Perriwig engage the general Attention. Upon the Close of all, they prais’d the Work, extoll’d the Artist, accepted of his Good-will, and appointed him a Reward. In the whole Senate there were but three who oppos’d this Motion; but they got no Credit by it, and were look’d upon as rude, unpolish’d Creatures, totally unworthy of the senatorial Function.

This Decree being pass’d, I was commanded to appear before the Senate, where a senior Monkey rising up, thank’d me in the Name of the whole Commonwealth, and assur’d me they would reward me in a Manner suitable to my great Merit. He likewise ask’d me, how much Time it would require to make such another Ornament? I reply’d, that as to the Reward, it was sufficient Recompence to receive the Applauses of so venerable a Body: As to the other Point, the making a second Perriwig, provided I might have the Assistance of as many Monkeys as I could instruct in the Art, I could undertake in one Month to furnish almost the whole City. At these Words, the Syndick rose and said, _Heav’n forbid_, Kakidoran, _that such an Ornament should be common to all the City, and grow into Disesteem by frequent Use! No; let the Nobility be by this distinguish’d from the Vulgar._ This Opinion was seconded by all the Senate, and the publick Censors were order’d to take due Care that this Decree should be inviolably observ’d, that the Nobility receive no Dishonour by the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs, and that so bright an Ornament should be reserv’d solely for their Use. But this Edict had the same Effect that all sumptuary Laws have, and only excited a stronger Desire in the Commons to transgress them. And as this Invention had the Happiness to please every one, the richer Citizens, by Friends or Money, procur’d Titles of Honour to qualify them to wear Perriwigs, insomuch that in a short Time a very great Part of the City was enobled. At length, when Petitions arriv’d from the several Provinces, to be allow’d to come into this Fashion, the Senate took the Matter under Consideration, and made a Repeal of the Law, with a Permission for the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs; so that I had the Pleasure to see the whole Nation _perriwig’d_, if I may use the Expression, before I left _Martinia_. And a most delightful Sight it was! Such general Satisfaction did this Contrivance give, that it gave Birth to a new Epoch, or Date of Time, which was call’d in the _Martinian_ Annals, THE YEAR OF PERRIWIGS.

To return to myself. Surrounded with Applauses, and cloath’d in a Purple Robe, I was carried back in a Chair to the Syndick’s House, and my Comrade Chairman now perform’d the Office of a Horse for me. From that Hour I was admitted to the Syndick’s Table. After this lucky Prelude of my Fortune, I pursued my Design, and by the joint Labours of those I instructed, I in a short Time finish’d off Perriwigs enough to accommodate the whole Senate; and about the End of the Month the following Diploma of Nobility was brought me.

“Whereas a certain Person, by Name _Kakidoran_, Native of a City call’d _Europe_, has by a glorious and useful Invention highly oblig’d the whole _Martinian_ Nation: It is our Will and Pleasure to associate him into the Body of our Nobility; and we do accordingly decree, That he and his Heirs henceforth be reputed as true and genuine Nobles, and enjoy all such Privileges, Rights and Immunities, as are claim’d by the _Martinian_ Nobility. Moreover we have decreed to honour him with a new Name, so that instead of _Kakidoran_, he shall now be styl’d _Kikidorian_. And lastly, it is our Will and Pleasure to settle an annual Stipend upon him of two hundred Patari, to enable him to support his new Dignity.”

_Given at our Court of Senate in_ Martinia, _the 4th Day of_ Merian, _under our Great Seal_, &c.

Thus from a poor Chairman was I transform’d to a Nobleman; and for some Time I liv’d in the highest Repute, and with the utmost Felicity. And as the _Martinians_ saw I was in high Favour with the Syndick, every Creature made his Court to me. The Flattery of the Preferment-Hunters went so far as to strive which should write the most fulsome Panegyricks upon me, in which they kindly gave me a great many Virtues I never had. Some, though they knew I was a Native of an unknown World, yet reckon’d up for me a long List of Ancestors, and drew out Genealogies in a direct Line from Heroes of the earliest Ages. These Computations could not be very agreeable to me, nor was it possible for me to think it an Honour to be descended from Monkeys. Moreover, as it is usual with the _Martinians_ to celebrate the Tails of the Quality, as our Poets sing the Beauties of their Mistresses, accordingly some of the _Martinian_ Poets celebrated my Tail in Verse, though I never had any. In short, to such a Height did their Flattery rise, that a certain Person of no mean Extraction, and whose Name I spare upon Account of his Family, actually offer’d me the Enjoyment of his Wife, if in Return I would use all my Interest for him with the Syndick. This vile Propensity to Flattery, to which all the _Martinians_ are extremely subject, makes it not worth one’s while to read their Histories, which are little more than a Heap of extravagant Encomiums, though the Language of them is every where polite and elegant. Hence this Country produces better Poets than Historians, which is owing to the fine Imagination of the _Martinians_.

I enjoy’d a tolerable good Share of Health while I was in this Country, tho’ the Heat, occasion’d by the continual Presence of the Sun, was not a little troublesome. Once I was seiz’d with a Diarrhea, attended with a high Fever; but it was of no great Continuance: But during my Illness, the Physician I made use of was ten Times more troublesome than my Disorder, by reason of his Impertinence and Loquacity, which are so peculiar to this People. Having Occasion for a Physician in that ill State of Health, a Doctor of Physick came a Voluntier, and offer’d me his Assistance: I could not forbear laughing at the Sight of him, because who should this be but my very Barber? I question’d him, how it happen’d that from a Barber he was so soon metamorphos’d into a Doctor? He reply’d, he exercis’d both Professions. Upon this I was a little dubious, whether I ought to trust the Care of my Health to such a general Trader, and frankly told him, that I had rather have a Physician who profess’d the Art of Physick alone; but he vow’d and protested to me, that there was not one such throughout the whole City. I was therefore oblig’d to venture myself with him. The Haste the Doctor was in increas’d my Wonder; for having prescrib’d for me a Potion, he abruptly took his Leave, declaring he could not possibly stay longer, because he was oblig’d to attend upon some other Affairs, in which he was engag’d, at that very Time. And when I ask’d him what those Affairs could be which requir’d such violent Haste, he told me, he was under a Necessity of being at a Market-Town in the Neighbourhood by such an Hour, to act as a Notary-Publick, which was another of his Employments. This Multiplicity of Business is in great Vogue here, and every body is very ready to undertake any the most opposite and contradictory Offices. This Confidence is occasion’d by that wonderful Liveliness of Genius, which dispatches Business in a Trice. Yet from the various Mistakes and Blunders they daily commit, I concluded that these Geniuses, which are so full of Fire, are rather an Ornament to the Commonwealth, than of any real Use to it.

After I had spent two Years in this Territory, partly as a Chairman, and partly as a Nobleman, I fell into an Adventure which had like to have been fatal to me. In his Excellency’s Palace, I had met with the highest Civilities; I had also the Honour to be extremely in the good Graces of his Lady, insomuch that I seem’d to have the first Place in her Friendship. She often favour’d me with _tete a tete_ Conversations; and tho’ she seem’d highly pleas’d with my Company, yet all she said was with so much Modesty and Delicacy, that it was impossible to put a sinister Interpretation upon her Conduct in this Respect, nor could I with all my Penetration guess, that the Source of all this wondrous Goodness was an impure Passion, more especially as she was a Lady of Quality, and as eminent for her Virtue, as for her Birth and Family. But, in Process of Time, from some equivocal Speeches of hers, I could not but entertain a few Suspicions, which were considerably increas’d by several evident Symptoms,

The wan Complexion, and the dying Eye, The stedfast Gaze, th’ involuntary Sigh.

At length the Mystery was clear’d up, a young Virgin, her Confidante, bringing me the following Billet.

_Lovely_ +Kikidorian+,

“My Birth, and the natural Modesty of my Sex, have now conceal’d those Sparks of Love, which lurk’d within my Bosom, and with-held them from bursting into an open Flame. But now, sinking under the Oppression, I can no longer resist the Violence of my Wishes.”

Let this soft Secret all thy Pity move, Extorted from my Soul by raging Love.

_I am Yours_, +Ptarnusa+.

Words cannot utter the Confusion this passionate Declaration threw me into. But as I thought it better to be expos’d to the Vengeance of disappointed Love, than to disturb the Laws of Nature by mixing my Blood with a Creature not of the human Species, I return’d the following Answer.

+Madam+,

The repeated Favours I have receiv’d from his Excellency the Syndick, the Benefits he has heap’d upon an undeserving Stranger, the moral Impossibility of complying with your Request, together with innumerable other Reasons which I forbear to recount; all this, Madam, determines me to hazard your Ladyship’s Resentment, rather than consent to an Action which would render me of all two-footed Creatures the most vile and abominable. Not Death itself is half so terrible. The Crime too would bring an indelible Stain upon a most illustrious Family, and she who commands it must be the greatest Sufferer. Let me conjure you, therefore, to pardon this Refusal, and be satisfy’d, that in every other Respect I shall always pay the profoundest Obedience to your Ladyship’s Commands. I am,

_Madam_, _Your most humble_, _And most obedient Servant_, +Kikidorian+.

This Answer I seal’d up, and gave it to the Bearer to deliver to her Mistress. It had the Effect I suspected. Her Love was chang’d into the strongest Aversion. However, she deferr’d her Revenge till she had recover’d that Letter she sent to me. She then suborn’d false Witnesses, who swore that I attempted to violate the Syndick’s Bed. This Story was cook’d up with so much Art, and such an Air of Probability, that the Syndick, not making the least Doubt about it, threw me into Prison. In this Extremity, there was but one Thing to be done, and that was, to make Confession of the Crime, and implore his Excellency’s Mercy. By these Means, I hop’d to divert or soften his Anger, and procure a Mitigation of my Punishment. For it was ridiculous to think of contesting the Matter with a powerful Family, especially in a Country, where not the Merits of the Cause, but the sole Quality of the Person is regarded. Therefore omitting all Sort of Defence, I had Recourse to the most abject Supplications and Tears, imploring not a total Remission of my Punishment, but only to have it moderated.