Part 17

The Taking of the capital City was follow’d by the Surrender of the whole Kingdom; so that the Contempt with which the _Quamites_ had been before stigmatiz’d, was chang’d into Renown; and the Empire of _Quama_, by the Addition of this conquer’d Nation, became almost twice as powerful as it was before. But as every body look’d upon this Success to be owing to my Industry and Management, the Esteem which they had for a long Time conceiv’d for me was heighten’d almost into Adoration. The _Tanachites_ being thus subdued, and Governors appointed in every City, to keep this fierce and warlike People in their Duty, I went to work, to finish the Task I had begun, and to root out that Barbarity in which the _Quamites_ were as yet involv’d. It was a Matter of great Difficulty, however, to introduce the Study of the liberal Arts at once; for the _Latin_ Tongue, and a few Scraps of _Greek_, which I had learnt in _Europe_, would not, I knew, be here of any Use. For this Reason, I caus’d twelve of the most learned Tigers to be sent for out of the Enemies Country. These were made Professors, and commanded to found an University upon the Model of those in their own Country. I likewise order’d the Royal Library of _Tanachin_ to be remov’d to _Quama_. I was determin’d, however, that as soon as the _Quamites_ had made such a Progress in Literature as to be able to stand upon their own Legs, I would send these Foreigners back into their own Country.

I was very desirous of seeing the _Tanachitish_ Library, because I had been inform’d by their General _Tomopoloko_, that amongst other Manuscripts in the Archives of the Library, there was one compos’d by an Author who had been in our World, and had left a Description of its different Kingdoms, especially the _European_ ones; he told me likewise, that the _Tanachites_ had got Possession of this Book while they were at War in a very distant Country, but that the Name of the Author was conceal’d, nor could it ever be learnt who he was, or how he was carry’d to the Superterranean Habitations.

Upon looking over the Book, I found what _Tomopoloko_ had told me concerning the Author was true, and therefore I candidly discover’d my Race and Country to him, assuring him at the same Time, that I had declar’d the same Thing to the _Quamites_ at my first Arrival, but that the stupid Mortals gave no Credit to my Narration, but would needs have me to be an Embassador from the Sun, and still continued to persist obstinately in that Error. I added likewise, that as I look’d upon it to be a Crime to keep so vain a Title any longer, I was at length determin’d to discover my Origin to the Publick, by which ingenuous Confession I thought my Reputation would not in the least suffer, especially as I hop’d, that the Reading of this Book would convince every body how much the _Europeans_ excel all other People in Virtue and in Knowledge. The prudent _Tomopoloko_ did not seem pleas’d with my Design, and gave me his Sentiments upon it, as I remember, in the following Terms. “Good Sir, before you proceed in your Design, it will be necessary for you to see the Book, the Reading of which may, perhaps, divert you from your Purpose; for either the Author has misrepresented them, or the Manners of the Superterraneans are foolish and absurd, and they are govern’d by Laws and Customs more worthy of Laughter than Regard. But after you have read the Book, you may use your own Discretion. One Piece of Advice, however, I will presume to give you, and that is, not rashly to reject a Title which has render’d you so venerable in the Opinion of the _Quamites_: For nothing serves more effectually to restrain Men within the Bounds of Duty, than the Opinion which the Vulgar entertain of Birth and high Descent.”

I took the Advice, and determin’d, with the Assistance of _Tomopoloko_, to read the Book. The Title of it is this; _Tanian’s Journey to the Superterranean World, or a Description of the Kingdoms and Countries upon Earth_. The Name of _Tanian_ is thought to be fictitious, and as the Book was grown mouldy for want of being taken due Care of, and imperfect in several Places through Length of Time, what I wanted most to see, namely, which Way the Author got up to our World, and down again, was missing. These are the Contents of what remain’d of the Work.

_Fragments of_ Tanian_’s Journey above Ground, translated from the Original, by the celebrated, noble, and valiant_ Tomopoloko, _General of the_ Tanachites.

* * * This Country (i. e. _Germany_) goes by the Name of the _Roman_ Empire; but this is merely titular, for the _Roman_ Monarchy has been extinct for several Ages. The Language, which the _Germans_ use, is with much Difficulty to be understood, because the natural Order of the Words is inverted; for what goes first in other Languages, comes last in this, so that you may be oblig’d to read to the End of a Page before you can comprehend the Meaning of it. The Form of Government is strange. The _Germans_ think they have a King, and yet in Reality they have none. _Germany_ is said to be one Empire, and yet it is divided into many separate Principalities, each of which has the Sovereign Power within itself, so that they often make War upon one another, and have most certainly a Right so to do. The Empire is said to be _always August_, though it is sometimes very much diminish’d; _Holy_, tho’ without any _Holiness_; _Invincible_, though often expos’d to the Depredations of its Neighbours. Nor are the Rights and Privileges of this Nation less wonderful, since many have Rights, which they are prohibited from making any Use of. Infinite are the Comments which have been publish’d upon the State of the _German_ Empire, but so intricate is the Subject, that in Spite of all their Labours they are at every Turn as much at a Loss as ever concerning it; for * * * *

* * * * The Capital of this Kingdom (_France_) which is very large, is call’d _Paris_. It may in some Sense be styl’d the Capital of _Europe_: For it exercises a Kind of Jurisdiction over all other _European_ Nations. For Example, it prescribes Rules to them about their Eating, and about the Fashion of their Cloaths; so that let any Fashion be as ridiculous and as inconvenient as it will, all other Nations are oblig’d to follow it, whenever the _Parisians_ are pleas’d to lead the Way. How or what Time they acquir’d this Right, I could never learn. Their Authority, however, did not, as I understood, extend to other Things, for the rest of the _European_ Nations are often at War with the _French_, and sometimes force them to accept of Peace upon very severe Terms; but the Servitude they are under with regard to Dress, and the Manner of Eating is perpetual; so that whatever Fashion is invented at _Paris_, the rest of _Europe_ are strictly oblig’d to come into it. The _Parisians_ very much resemble the _Martinians_ in Quickness of Apprehension, the Love of Novelty, and a Fertility of Invention.

* * * Having left _Bononia_, we went to _Rome_. This City is subject to a Priest, who, though his Dominions are very narrow, is reckon’d the most powerful of all the _European_ Kings and Princes. For other Princes exercise Dominion only over the Persons and Estates of their Subjects, but this can destroy their Souls likewise. The _Europeans_ in general believe, that the Keys of Heaven are in the Custody of this Priest. I was very desirous of seeing so great a Curiosity, but I lost my Labour, nor do I know, to this Day, what Form they are of, or in what Cabinet they are kept. The Authority which this Pontiff exercises, not only over his own Subjects, but over all Mankind, chiefly consists in this, that he can absolve whom God condemns, and condemn whom he absolves. An enormous Power, indeed! and such an one as our Subterraneans will never believe can fall to any Mortal’s Share. But it is an easy Matter to impose upon the _Europeans_ as one pleases, and to make them swallow the greatest Absurdities, though they imagine that nobody has any Understanding but themselves; and being puff’d with this Opinion, they look down with Contempt upon all other Mortals, as if they were Barbarians in Comparison of them.

For my Part, I do not undertake to justify the Manners, Laws, and Customs of our Subterraneans; I will only produce some Instances of the Customs of the _Europeans_, in order to make it appear how undeservedly they pass a Censure upon the Manners of other Nations.

It is a Custom all over _Europe_ for People to scatter a Kind of Meal, which is made by grinding the Fruits of the Earth, and which Nature intended for Food, over their Hair and Cloaths. This Meal is commonly call’d _Powder_, and great Care and Pains are us’d to cleanse their Hair from it every Morning, with an Instrument call’d a Comb, in order to make Room for more of the same Sort. They have another Custom which appear’d to me no less ridiculous, which is this. They have a Kind of little Cover, or Hat, to defend their Heads against the Cold, which Cover they very often wear under one of their Arms, even in the very Depth of Winter. This appear’d as absurd to me, as it would have been to have seen a Man walking through the Streets with his Coat or his Breeches in his Hand, and leaving his Body to be expos’d to the Inclemencies of the Air, from which they were intended to defend it.

The religious Opinions of the _Europeans_ are very sound and agreeable to right Reason. They are under an Injunction carefully to study the Books in which the Rule of Faith and Practice is contain’d, in order to discover their true Sense and Meaning. These Books recommend Indulgence to weak Brethren, and such as happen to be mistaken; but if any should chance to understand a Thing in a different Sense from the Majority, he is punish’d for this Defect of Judgment by Fines, Imprisonment, Whipping, and even sometimes by dying at a Stake. This seem’d to me the same Thing, as if a Man, who happen’d to be short-sighted, should undergo the Bastinado, only because Objects, which seem square to me, appear round to him. I was inform’d, that Thousands had been hang’d and burnt, by Order of the Magistrate, on this Account.

In almost every Town and Village, you see Men standing up in Places of publick Resort, and severely reprimanding others for those Sins which they themselves are daily guilty of; which is just as if one should hear a Man in Liquor declaiming against Drunkenness.

Oftentimes a Person who is born humpback’d, crooked, or lame, shall be ambitious of being thought handsome; and another sprung from the Dregs of the People, shall be ambitious of a Coat of Arms, or a Title: Which is full as absurd as if a Dwarf should affect to be call’d a Giant, or an old Man, young.

It is a Custom in great Towns, for Friends and Acquaintance to visit one another after Dinner, in order to drink a Kind of black Broth made of burnt Beans. This Broth is commonly call’d Coffee. When they make these Visits, they are shut up in a Box, which is fix’d upon four Wheels, and drawn to the Place of Rendezvous by two Beasts of very great Strength: For the _Europeans_ think it a Disgrace to use their Legs.

Upon the first Day of the Year the _Europeans_ are seiz’d with a Disease, which we have no Knowledge of amongst us. The Symptoms of it are strange Commotions and Agitations of Mind, and an Inability to sit still in any Place. They run about at such Times from one House to another, as if they were distracted, without knowing why they do it. The Disease sometimes lasts for fourteen Days. At length, when they are quite fatigu’d and spent with continually running about, they come to themselves again, and recover their former Health.

As the _Europeans_ have innumerable Diseases of Mind, so they have innumerable Remedies. Some are seiz’d with a strange Passion of walking in such a Manner, as that the left Sides of their Bodies may be turn’d towards the right Sides of others. The farther North you go, the stronger you find this Humour, which proves that it is all owing to the Climate, and the Intemperature of the Air. This Disease is cur’d by certain seal’d Papers, fill’d with Characters of a particular Kind. As long as the Patient carries these Papers about him, by Way of Talisman or Charm, he grows better and better by Degrees, till he is quite recover’d.

Another raging Distemper they have, which is cur’d by the Sound of a Bell, at the Noise of which the Mind immediately grows calm, and the Disorder abates: Yet this Remedy is by no Means effectual, because in two or three Hours Time the same raging Evil returns.

In _Italy_, _France_, and _Spain_, during the Winter Season, an epidemick Madness prevails for several Weeks. They put a Stop to it at length, by sprinkling the Foreheads of the Patients with Ashes, at an appointed Time. But in the Northern Parts of _Europe_ these Ashes have no Virtue, and the Inhabitants of the North recover by the Help of Nature only.

Most of the _Europeans_ enter into a solemn Covenant with God, which they call _the Communion_, three or four Times a Year, and break it as soon as ever they have made it. So that they seem to make it for no other Reason, but that they may shew that they are resolv’d not to stand to their Agreement.

When they confess their Sins, and implore the Mercy of God, their Words are generally set to Musick. Flutes, Trumpets, and Drums, are sometimes added to the Concert, according to the Greatness of the Crime, for which they are suing Pardon.

Almost all the _European_ Nations are obliged to confess their Belief of a Doctrine contain’d in a certain sacred Book. But the reading this Book is totally prohibited in the Southern Countries, so that People there are laid under a Necessity of believing what it is criminal to read or enquire into.

In the same Countries, Men are forbad to worship God in any, but an unknown Tongue; so that such Prayers only are thought to be legitimate, and agreeable to the divine Being, as are put up by Persons, who do not understand a Word they say.

In the great Cities, such as arrive at Honours and profitable Employments are all paralytick; for they are oblig’d to be carry’d along the Streets, like weak and impotent People, on a Kind of Couch, made in the Figure of a Chest or Box.

Most of the _Europeans_ shave their Heads, and to conceal their Baldness, wear an artificial Covering made of other Peoples Hair.

The Controversies which are commonly discuss’d in the Schools in _Europe_, are about Things, the Knowledge of which neither concerns Mankind, nor is within the Reach of their Comprehension. But the most learned Subjects of all, which the _Europeans_ comment upon, are the Rings, Robes, Slippers, Shoes, and Buskins of certain antiquated People, who liv’d many Centuries ago. As to the Sciences, as well sacred as profane, the Generality do not judge for themselves, but subscribe implicitly to the Opinion of others. Whatever Sect they happen to fall into, they stick to it with all imaginable Firmness. As to what they say of pinning their Faith upon the Sleeve of others who are wiser than themselves, I should approve of it, were the Vulgar and Illiterate proper Judges of this Matter; for to be able to distinguish who is this wise Man that may be rely’d upon, requires the greatest Wisdom.

In the Southern Countries, a Sort of little Cakes or Wafers are carry’d about the Streets, which the Priests say are Gods: But what is most surprizing, the very Bakers themselves, who shew you the Flour of which they were made, will take their Oaths upon it, that the World was created by these Wafers.

The _English_ are very fond of Liberty, and are subject to nobody but their Wives. As to their Religion, it is hard to say what it is, for they take up an Opinion one Day, and throw it aside the next. I imputed this fickle Disposition to the Situation of the Country. For the _English_ live upon an Island, and being a maritime People, partake much of the Nature of the inconstant Element that surrounds them.

The _English_ are very sollicitous about the Health of every one they meet, so that a Man would take them all to be Physicians. But that common Question, _How do you do?_ I found to be only an empty Form of Speech, and a Sound without any Sense or Meaning in it. Many of these Islanders take so much Pains to improve their Minds, and polish their Understandings, that at length they intirely lose them.

Towards the North, there is a Republick consisting of seven Provinces. These go by the Name of the _United Provinces_, tho’ there is but little Sign of Concord or Unity amongst them. The People here boast of their Power, as if the whole Authority of the Republick was lodg’d in their Hands; and yet the Populace are no where more excluded from publick Employments, and the supreme Power is vested in a very few Families. The Inhabitants of these Provinces are deeply attentive upon heaping up Riches, which they make no Use of; so that while their Purses are full, their Bellies are empty. They seem to live upon Smoke only, which they suck in thro’ a Tube or Pipe, which is made of Clay. It must be allow’d, however, for the Honour of this Nation, that they are the neatest of all People, for they take great Care to wash every Thing except their Hands.

In the Cities and great Towns in _Europe_, a Watch is kept in the Street by Night. The Watchmen go their Rounds every Hour, and wake People out of their Sleep, by wishing them a good Night.

Every Country has its peculiar Laws, and its peculiar Customs likewise, which are ofttimes diametrically opposite to those Laws. For Example: A Wife, according to the Laws, ought to be subject to her Husband; but according to Custom, she has a Right to govern him.

Those who live most luxuriously, and consume the greatest Quantity of the Products of the Earth, are held in most Esteem in _Europe_; and only Husbandmen, and such as supply Materials for the Luxury of the Great, are treated with Contempt.

The great Number of Gibbets, Gallows’s, and Places of Execution, which are every where to be seen, shew the _Europeans_ to be People of very bad Dispositions, and subject to many Kinds of Vices. There is a publick Executioner in every City. The _English_ are an Exception to this Rule, amongst whom, I believe, there are no Executioners; for the People in that Country hang themselves.

One would suspect the _Europeans_ to be _Anthropophagi_, or Men-Eaters; for it is a Custom amongst them to shut up a great Number of able-body’d Men in Cloisters, which they call Monasteries, for no other End, but that they may grow sleek and fat: And whilst they are kept in these Cells, they are utterly exempted from all Labour, and have nothing to do but to eat and drink.

The _Europeans_ have a Custom of drinking Water every Morning, to moderate the Heat of their Stomachs; but before they are well grown cool by this Means, they go to work to warm them again, by swallowing down Draughts of fiery Liquors, which they call Drams.

The Religion of the _Europeans_ is divided into two principal Sects, one of which are call’d Protestants, and the other Papists. The former worship one God only; but the latter adore several, for they have as many Gods and Goddesses, as there are Towns and Villages. All these Gods and Goddesses are made by the _Roman_ Pontiff, or High-Priest. This Pontiff himself is made by Presbyters, commonly call’d Cardinals. Hence it appears how great the Power of these Cardinals must be, since they can make him who makes the Gods.

The ancient Inhabitants of _Italy_ conquer’d the whole World, and were only subject to their Wives: But the modern ones tyrannize over their Wives, and are Slaves to all Mankind besides.

The Animals in _Europe_ are divided into terrestrial and aquatick. There are some amphibious ones likewise, as Frogs, Dolphins, and _Dutchmen_. The last dwell in a marshy Soil, and live upon Land or Water indifferently.

The _Europeans_ use much the same Food that we do; But a _Spaniard_ will live upon Air.

Trade flourishes much in every Part of _Europe_, and many Commodities are sold there in which we never traffick: Thus, for Example, the _Romish_ Church sells Heaven; the _Swiss_ sell themselves; and in *** Crowns, Scepters, and the Royal Authority itself are set to Sale.

In _Spain_, Laziness is the Token of a Gentleman, and nothing is a greater Recommendation of Nobility than sleeping much. Those are call’d good Men and true Believers, who believe what they do not understand, and never think it worth their while to examine what they hear. Some have even been reckon’d Saints merely for their Slothfulness, their Want of Curiosity, and their neglecting to enquire into religious Matters. But those who are sollicitous about their own Salvation, and happen, through a diligent and accurate Enquiry, to dissent from any reigning Opinion, are said to be damn’d to all Eternity.

It is a prevailing Opinion in _Europe_, that future Happiness or Misery does not depend upon good Works, or the Exercise of Virtue and Religion, but upon the Place of a Man’s Nativity. For all agree, that if they had been born in another Place, or of other Parents, they should have been of a different Religion. Hence they in Reality condemn People not so much on Account of their Religion, as the Place, or other Circumstances of their Birth. But how this Opinion is reconcileable with the divine Justice or Goodness, I cannot comprehend.

Amongst the Men of Letters, those are most esteem’d, whose Business it is to invert the natural Order of Words, and render that obscure and perplex’d, which before was plain and easy. These are call’d Poets, and this Art of disjointing Words goes by the Name of Poetry. But Poetry does not consist in this Perversity of Stile only; because to deserve that Name, a Composition must likewise be extremely full of Lies. An ancient Poet, _Homer_ by Name, is held in high Esteem, and almost Adoration, because he excell’d in both these Arts. Many have imitated him, but nobody ever yet came up to him, either in confounding the Order of Words, or perverting the Truth.