Part 10

LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282.

The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.

EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283.

There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston." The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!"

HOW TO GO MAD.--284.

Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go raving, distracted mad.

A WISE JUDGE.--285.

A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr. Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are one, and the husband is that one!"

SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286.

The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!"

OF COURSE NOT.--287.

The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of locking their wood-house doors at night.

A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288.

Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge professors on account of her success in training young men for the university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas for dinner.

A FLOATING POPULATION.--289.

"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year the water is up to the second storey windows."

DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290.

A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented of his sins_."

A POOR COUPLE.--291.

A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with."

AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292.

A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig.

AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293.

An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway subscribers."

HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294.

An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48 years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it cannot live much longer."

NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295.

One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as (we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed.

STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296.

A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear.

QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297.

It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister. While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_." This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!"

EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298.

The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed it, "Wretched attempt at wit."

A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299.

"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who went on his way rejoicing.

"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300.

A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all, and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off, which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore. On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two barrels of shad."

A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301.

A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient "Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods." Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master, what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am. Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now, master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange; but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al," says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it _up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al, if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!"

GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302.

A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife. Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore her, therefore I weep."

WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303.

George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion, addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols? Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!" This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them.

SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304.

Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript!

THE DATE WANTED.--305.

At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you couldn't fix the date, could you?"

THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306.

The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box.

COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307.

A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well have missed it.

THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308.

One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper, which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt."

COOLNESS.--309.

He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble carved into a broad grin.

NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310.

On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child "Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1. Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3. Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman.

A POLITE MAN.--311.

"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went."

FINE WRITING.--312.

We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so does a little boy run when a big dog is after him."

"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313.

A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails."

AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314.

A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass."

"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315.

The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills, down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door, separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen dollars."

MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316.

A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said, "Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may have."

THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317.

Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he, hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!"

COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318.

A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why didn't they chuck him in again."

THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319.

A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle, when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's house again.

PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320.

During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_ from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the _owls_."

PLAIN ENOUGH.--321.

A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the countenance of your Mayor."

ONE OF THE PRESS.--322.

A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press."

ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323.

In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through his breast for centuries."

THE REASON WHY.--324.

An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and the ladies muffs.

THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325.

The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then, tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference, gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily): I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same opinion.

EDITORIAL FIX.--326.

A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog the editor if he stopped the paper.

A MEAT BABY.--327.

A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it. But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_ baby!"

THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328.

An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts down as extra hazardous.

PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329.

It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write an obituary of the defunct two.

MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330.

Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure Sentimental Novel:--

Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._

We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out, and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents. Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many more such books are written in the country, there is great danger that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The Flambeau of Literature._

NOT PARTICULAR.--331.

A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs, feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags, fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike fire, taken on subscription at this office."

TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332.

A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country."

POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333.

Rock'd in the cradle of the deep, Old Casper's work was done; Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep, Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on!

There was a sound of revelry by night, On Linden, when the sun was low; A voice replied, far up the height, Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

What, if a little rain should say, I have not loved the world, nor the world me! Ah! well a-day; Woodman spare that tree!

My heart leaps up with joy to see A primrose by the water's brim; Zaccheus, he did climb that tree; Few of our youth could cope with him.

The prayer of Ajax was for light, The light that never was on sea or shore; Pudding and beef make Britons fight; Never more!

Under a spreading chestnut tree, For hours the gither, sat I and my Annabel Lee; A man's a man for a' that.

Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again, And waste its sweetness on the desert air; In thunder, lightning, or in rain, None but the brave deserve the fair.

Tell me not in mournful numbers, The child is father of the man; Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber. They can conquer who believe they can.

A change came o'er the spirit of my dream; Whatever is, is right, And things are not what they seem; My native land, good night!

SO HUMANE.--334.

A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had been killing time.

THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335.

"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does all the mischief!

"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336.