Part 7

home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf, which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?" said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." "Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not."

YANKEE TOASTS.--173.

The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster, and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery, shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace, mutual concession, and compromise."

A BIG PUFF.--174.

A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without stopping."

VERY ODD THAT.--175.

A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English, &c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember. Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!" says the colonel, "that's it--Americans."

HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176.

A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the greatest ease."

LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177.

"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I, golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face." "Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why, no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright, that you might see to pick up a pin."

SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178.

Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course.

THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179.

In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville, in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long, joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed and panted and wept forth its expression.

CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180.

A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover his mistake until informed by the _cat_.

MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181.

We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment, for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and fourth:--

"That man must lead a happy life Who is directed by a wife; Who's freed from matrimonial claims Is sure to suffer for his pains.

"Adam could find no solid peace Till he beheld a woman's face; When Eve was given him for a mate, Adam was in a happy state.

"In all the female race appear Truth, darling of a heart sincere, Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride, In woman never did reside.

"What tongue is able to unfold The worth in woman we behold? The failings that in woman dwell Are almost imperceptible.

"Confusion take the men, I say, Who no regard to women pay. Who make the women their delight Keep always reason in their sight."

A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182.

Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine "forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as nothing compared to the glory of the saints."

HEN PERSUADERS.--183.

The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away.

POPPING THE QUESTION.--184.

One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she, "That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went. Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place, but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish.

NEGRO SERMON.--185.

"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say, my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods."

GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186.

"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles. What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips: "You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so." "Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?"

TREMENDOUS GALE.--187.

We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it. Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's whiskers on!

A WITTY SENTINEL.--188.

A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant "Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and give the countersign."

A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189.

A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock, on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away his hand very quick, and the man fell!

A POETICAL EDITOR.--190.

The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance should pay the printer."

NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191.

A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?" "Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?" "Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit.

CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192.

A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the subject."

A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193.

"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH C----."

SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194.

Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle, the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a barrel."

HARD UP.--195.

An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de 'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for 'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the general's horses."

PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196.

Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a "little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. "Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth. "Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height), and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. That's the long and short of it."

OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197.

"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of openness when he smiles."

HOLDING THE STAKES.--198.

An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes."

THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199.

One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' 'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.'"

A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200.

An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't

## partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite."

TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201.

Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----. "Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for you."

A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202.

The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, farewell!"

YANKEE BRASS.--203.

The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln, addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent' Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here, which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it. Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance."

NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204.

Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam? I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but it didn't do me a mossel o' good!"

PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205.

Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water, built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan. One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly. "Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys."

LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206.