Part 8

Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin, scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'"

IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207.

A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white," responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your honour want more than this?"

A GUARDED ANSWER.--208.

In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour, he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record.

QUEER QUERIES.--209.

Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued according to what it will fetch or what it will bring?

DO YOU SMOKE?--210.

A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me."

A RAT STORY.--211.

The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them, and they were caught the next morning."

SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212.

"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this afternoon."

HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213.

The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle, who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.; without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors, and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar. No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules will be shot.

ODD NAMES.--214.

What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis, supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also, and the third William Likewise.

LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215.

A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence."

SHARP CHILD.--216.

Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?"

TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217.

"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No, sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,' said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous pedlar disappeared without another word."

THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218.

One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did."

HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219.

There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. "Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable part."

A PLUMP QUESTION.--220.

The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a month_?"

THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221.

A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:--

"When I was young I used to earn My living without trouble; Had clothes and pocket-money too, And hours of pleasure double.

"I never dream'd of such a fate, When I A-LASS was courted--

Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper, chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally, doing the work of six,

For the sake of being supported."

CURE FOR FAINTING.--222.

A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, "That's good--it smells like home!"

A CHEAP TREAT.--223.

A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent."

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224.

I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? 6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.

SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225.

Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting "jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: "Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built.

DOW, JUNIOR.--226.

It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the fiddle, and death puts out the lights."

A PROMPT REPLY.--227.

A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: "My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply.

INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228.

An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for some minutes afterwards.

HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229.

An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. "Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a quarter of an inch thick.

FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230.

Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary, you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, "there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll mention it to him."

ABSENCE OF MIND.--231.

The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left in the first train.

KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232.

When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under conviction_!"

A LEGAL TOAST.--233.

At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest."

RATHER 'CUTE.--234.

A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker.

NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235.

The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the crinoline.)

TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236.

A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be 30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage stamps.--ASA HARTZ."

THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237.

The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other Abolition:--

Hurrah for The old Union Secession Is a curse We fight for The constitution The Confederacy Is a league with hell We love Free speech The rebellion Is treason We glory in A free press Separation Will not be tolerated We fight not for The negroes' freedom Reconstruction Must be obtained We must succeed At every hazard The Union We love We love not The negro We never said Let the Union slide We want The Union as it was Foreign intervention Is played out We cherish The old flag The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie We venerate The _habeas corpus_ Southern chivalry Is hateful Death to Jeff. Davis Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government Down with Mob law Law and order Shall triumph.

ALL HUMAN.--238.

A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart,

## active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent,

good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled.

CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239.

A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but if I gets well, dat nigga must take care."

ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240.

What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the following:--

Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses, A many things we mourn by day; Tom and the shouting Indian chorus, And seethe their lambs at play.

Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is nearer the author's intentions:--

I love to stroll at early morn Among the new-mown hay, To mark the sprouting Indian corn, And see the lambs at play.

A CLOSE WITNESS.--241.

During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head, exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told, sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a hearty laugh.

A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242.

A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can 'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't get the twopence."

THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243.

The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird."

REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244.