Part 16

A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!"

BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554.

What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on? Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds? Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel by? Mogg's.

NO VICES.--555.

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'"

"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556.

During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear the general say it had come?"

A SHREWD NIGGER.--557.

"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. "Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" "Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty."

AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558.

The following amusing description of an American servant we extract from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and comfortless hotels.

GERMAN WINES.--559.

The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing the same cat back again by its tail.

THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560.

A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub.

IT FOLLOWS.--561.

A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go ahead; I carry grave-stones."

JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562.

Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.

AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563.

"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island? Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" "No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!"

YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564.

One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that conversation.

THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565.

A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_, which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut Street Theatre, is _no-thing_."

YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566.

An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his stolidity."

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567.

A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not.

HALF GUILTY.--568.

A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of "guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him.

THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569.

A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other impediment. "_I have a wife already._"

WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570.

A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet brought home the same ball we started with."

JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571.

A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy one that han't got no looking-glass."

SURE OF IT.--572.

A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"

PICTURE-DEALING.--573.

A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street, Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads!

STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574.

Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw.

ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575.

Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered.

SETTING THE TIME.--576.

A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it is time for James to go home."

REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577.

Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. "Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!"

THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578.

The _Hartford Post_ says:--

The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the inmates:--

I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff. built.

II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built.

PUZZLED.--579.

At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes, Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence, and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind, Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who has six children and never saw one of them.

THE PAPER COLLARS.--580.

It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things, and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the "Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered, and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?"

CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581.

Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store. Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete.

PROFIT AND LOSS.--582.

The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments, reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac."

THE "NAYGERS."--583.

When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":--

"Some tell us 'tis a burning shame To make the naygers fight, And that the thrade of being kilt Belongs but to the white; But as for me, upon my sowl-- So liberal are we here-- I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself On every day in the year. On every day in the year, boys, And in every hour of the day, The right to be killt I'll divide wid him, And divil a word I'll say.

"In battle's wild commotion I shouldn't at all object If Sambo's body should stop a ball That was coming for me direct. And the prod of a Southern bagnet-- So generous are we here-- I'll resign, and let Sambo take it On every day in the year. So hear me, all boys, darlins, Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff, The right to be killt we'll divide wid him, And give him the largest half."

PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584.

Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say, you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner. "Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity. Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un, 'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod fish and potatoes.

SAME DRUNK.--585.

A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo.

CATCHING.--586.

"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at another man drinking, and it was too much for me."

TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587.

If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the bottom of a brass kettle.

LACONIC.--588.

"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one, almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply.

AIDS TO MEMORY.--589.

A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water.

SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590.

"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve, when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch, and our wives to catch somebody else."

CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591.