Part 9

Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church."

IRISH EXHORTATION.--245.

An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk, may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!"

IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246.

A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg. "Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!"

HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247.

The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr. Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity. It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then, after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you, as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they have not become assimilated in a common mass."

HARD SCRABBLE.--248.

A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before they could mow it!

I WOULD IF I COULD.--249.

A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a husband at the bottom."

A SOLEMN HOUR.--250.

An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the most solemn.

PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251.

Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies, generally git along quietly until they are engaged.

BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252.

Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off feeling dizzy.

THE OTHER SIDE.--253.

One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced. What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed; the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ; the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who wants to be over-polite to your wife.

EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254.

The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern, conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents, and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the _Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength. So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_ is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what

## particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its

quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is, the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns.

A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255.

Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had pounded each other to their heart's content.

A NOVEL VERDICT.--256.

A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, caused by _overtipulation_."

AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257.

The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner, and then stone the dog for being blind.

CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258.

A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly intoxication!"

PERSONAL.--259.

A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon the public.

AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260.

An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents."

HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261.

A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them here; I shall be forced to eat them myself."

RIVALLING NATURE.--262.

Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and elasticity!"

THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263.

"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._

A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264.

A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much more likely to be a good husband."

ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265.

The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, growing taller every minute.

UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266.

A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there should arrest him for an old debt.

EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267.

"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will."

A MOOTED QUESTION.--268.

It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the institution.

## PARTING FRIENDS.--269.

A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions."

HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270.

It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his journey, better off for the encounter.

EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271.

"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual drunkard."

A LONE NIGGER.--272.

During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: "What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?" "I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none, sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see Sam you see all dere is of us."

A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273.

Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown."

WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274.

"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the "old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month, and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the river. I'm going to put out into the woods again."

SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275.

Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake. At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed, "Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your head to fill it."

GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276.

"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master, running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up, Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well, if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost.

IRISH NEGRO.--277.

A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said, replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy, did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country, and he is already almost as black as jet."

INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278.

The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion.

SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279.

I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven, and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits, kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes, but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_," one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.

TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280.

A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas.

REASONS ENOUGH.--281.

An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door.