Part 17

There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars, stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar, and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable, "I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor."

A MILD ASSERTION.--592.

This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator, and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket. The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail.

FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593.

The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again in about two weeks and get the number for August."

TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594.

Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be heard for miles.

A SOLID REASON.--595.

A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver."

SQUASHED.--596.

A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York, picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh, that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished, a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said, "Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist drapt it."

BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597.

I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes, that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown.

OYSTERS.--598.

A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them."

ABSTRACTION.--599.

An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we are unable to find room for it."

MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600.

_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the President's message.

_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel and tongs.

_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the moralist condemned.

_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap.

_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed newspapers.

_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose.

_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend to pay.

_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners.

"One wants but little here below, And wants that little for a _show_."

FIRM FOUNDATION.--601.

The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a heavy mortgage on it.

GALLANT CORRECTION.--602.

An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers' daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right," says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over twenty-one years of age."

HARD HEARING.--603.

We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up and sold it for gun-flints.

YANKEE MODESTY.--604.

I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my character.

A REBUKE.--605.

A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back."

MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606.

A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom."

LONG LIVERS.--607.

The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them.

REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608.

It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight.

YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609.

A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts. The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these two years."

DANIEL WEBSTER.--610.

The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents." "Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach school."

THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611.

A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens.

CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612.

The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages is _confidence_."

PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613.

During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were obliged to send their milk to town genuine.

ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614.

An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a dozen."

MORE COPY.--615.

Once in autumn, wet and dreary, sat this writer, weak and weary, pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges," lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow, and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil) that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore! But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with "The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes, like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every "feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted "something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!" cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor); "take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil, "send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting, still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!"

POPPING CORN.--616.

And there they sat a-popping corn, John Stiles and Susan Cutter; John Stiles as stout as any ox, And Susan fat as butter.

And there they sat and shelled the corn, And raked and stirred the fire, And talked of different kinds of ears, And hitched their chairs up nigher.

Then Susan she the popper shook, Then John he shook the popper, Till both their faces grew as red As saucepans made of copper.

And then they shelled and popped and ate, And kinks of fun a-poking, And he haw-hawed at her remarks, And she laughed at his joking.

And still they popped, and still they ate (John's mouth was like a hopper), And stirred the fire and sparkled salt, And shook and shook the popper.

The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten, And still the corn kept popping: It struck eleven, and then struck twelve, And still no signs of stopping.

And John he ate, and Sue she thought-- The corn did pop and patter, Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire! Why, Susan, what's the matter?"

Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock; You'll die of indigestion; I'm sick of all this popping corn, Why don't you Pop the Question?"

POWERFUL SERMON.--617.

Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment, he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed."

HUGGING.--618.

An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever since.--_Chicago Young American._

TART.--619.

Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name, sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's brown mare."

WHO FIDDLED.--620.

In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties, who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder, and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar. You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning; it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure himself as to who it was that "fiddled."

BONNETS.--621.

An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a bonnet, thus discourseth:--

"No matter where you may chance to be, No matter how many women you see-- A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she-- You may fully depend upon it, That a gem of the very rarest kind, A thing most difficult to find, A pet for which we long have pined, Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'"

SAVED THE LEATHER.--622.

An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!"

LEGISLATION.--623.

A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark of an unmarked hog.'"

WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624.

There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A., who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed, therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B. replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven, and the challenge yearly renewed.

THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625.

An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that much _too long_.

SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626.

It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint better konstrukted for a phool.

I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.

"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them.

It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in hiz own estimashun, and yures too.

Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good rite tew them.

It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him.

Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything.

Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he iz away from his hum, smells evrything.

No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be rong.

Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz wize, when tha waz onla windy.

Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.

The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa the expense ov it.

If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need never tew look for promoshun.

The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you kan make on the board.

Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack.

Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.

Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum.

Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there.

Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good.

JOSH BILLINGS.

HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627.

A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!" said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made." "La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this would you expect for twenty dollars?"

A FINE STREAM.--628.

A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well, judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream, do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all," said the judge, blandly.

KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629.

"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing in the morning."

WAR PHRASES.--630.

The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense 64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's shop!"

FOND OF SOCIETY.--631.

A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where shall I find you when I get back?"

ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632.