Part 15

An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we "intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_.

A BLACK BULL.--504.

At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes himself."

A NEW DISH.--505.

Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!"

THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506.

A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. "Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang."

PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507.

Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes, sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; I'm the doctor who practises."

A FAIR RETORT.--508.

Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you."

DR. FRANKLIN.--509.

The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of that pleasant town.

REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510.

A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one of the sausage shops in this city.

DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511.

The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer. At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is still to be found--the knot never untied."

PRESENTED AT COURT.--512.

An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."

CRITICAL.--513.

A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, never flags for a moment until the curtain falls."

HARD FEATHERS.--514.

An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, "Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think they've left the fowls in too_!"

SNORING IN CHURCH.--515.

The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation are anxious to hear the text."

PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516.

Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can raise them above one Story."

LOVE-LETTER INK.--517.

An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his own ink.

A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518.

A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: "Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you shave last?"

NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519.

In one of the Northern States of America, according to veracious authority, the pious young women established an association which they styled "The Young Women's Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in London.)

TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520.

A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame.

CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521.

An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The bore was admitted no more.

PLAIN SPOKEN.--522.

"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women; and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel the utmost contempt for every lawyer present."

POPPING THE QUESTION.--523.

A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for these five years--will you marry me?"

A GEM.--524.

At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just _set_ the jewel!"

THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525.

A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris."

A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' bonnet-linings.

A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his hands.

A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was ever "refused" by a lady.

A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the looking-glass.

A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter.

An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers.

A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely.

A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex.

A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the table, before company.

A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head.

A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze.

A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife.

A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to.

A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing.

A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow.

A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather than exile the smoker.

An old maid who was not so from choice.

FANNY FERN.

QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526.

Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"

THE YANKEE.--527.

"No matter where his home may be-- What flag may be unfurl'd! He'll manage by some _cute_ device, To _whittle_ through the world."

--_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_

TRUE POLITENESS.--528.

Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_."

A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529.

Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the reply.

JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530.

The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge, gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make immediate application to the retiring editor."

MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531.

"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a horse."

THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532.

A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works._"

ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533.

A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison!

THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534.

Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, and married him.

COMPLIMENTARY.--535.

She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a prairie flower.

CUTTING.--536.

General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth."

THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537.

I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free, Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be We'd have a darkie parliament, An' darkie codes of law, An' darkie judges on de bench, Darkie barristers and aw.

POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538.

"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's mighty poor preaching."

A TRUMP CARD.--539.

There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister, "and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire, "for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._

TIMELY WARNING.--540.

A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes," said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well, pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well," said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I think I can do a trifle myself with such people."

HABITUAL THIRST.--541.

A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your honour, but habitual thirst."

STONING STEPHEN.--542.

The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_: 'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'"

VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543.

Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_ remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid."

YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544.

In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the lucky man?"

FALLING IN LOVE.--545.

If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam Slick._

DULL MEMBERS.--546.

"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at."

HEADY.--547.

A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his head.

SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548.

The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed after man."

POLITICS.--549.

Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._

GOOD EYESIGHT.--550.

A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee, "_why I've seen them_."

A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551.

"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the

## action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse."

Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse."

GENERAL GRANT.--552.

When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure at which the horse could be parted with.

SNIP.--553.