Part 14

The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence of the very hard times."

DISCONSOLATE.--454.

A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like this."

INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455.

They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have sinned of his own accord in drinking.

PRETENCE.--456.

Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._

"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457.

All lonely and drear is the street, love; The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love, And I'm dying for something to eat, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

Get up from that warm feather bed, love, And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love, For I wish very much to be fed, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love, With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love, For deucedly hungry I am, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

The stars are beginning to "wink," love; 'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love. You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love; So open thy cupboard to me.

The moon will be down before long, love, And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love; How plainly he says "mix it strong," love, And open thy cupboard to me.

My feet are all wet with the dew, love, And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love: Then get up and make it, pray do, love, And open thy cupboard to me.

The chickens are crowing for day, love, And I must soon hurry away, love; Then list to thy lover's last lay, love, And open thy cupboard to me.

NATUR'S BALANCES.--458.

Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._

AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459.

_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._

Abe L. is an able President, His mind has a mighty reach; Search all our cities and marts, You won't find a man with better parts, Excepting his parts of speech!

AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460.

I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._

JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461.

It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, 'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, 'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver Wendell Holmes._

STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462.

An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially Pompey_."

UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463.

"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no 'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side."

A SIMILE.--464.

A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a young widow.

FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465.

A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_ of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit, and _in_ debt."

SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466.

I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He

## actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged

through a gimlet hole.

ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467.

A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find his way up again in the dark.

FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468.

An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? "Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._"

PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469.

Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same."

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470.

Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not been heard of since.

AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471.

It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition.

AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472.

_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep.

TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473.

Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."

PERPETUAL MOTION.--474.

A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.

ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475.

Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."

A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476.

A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.

A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477.

A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.

A VOCATION.--478.

"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it is our dull season."

MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479.

The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up dinner.

ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480.

It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none."

A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481.

At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman, second only to the press in the dissemination of news."

WASHINGTON IRVING.--482.

Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in the family, you are wise."

QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483.

Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, "Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent.

A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484.

During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many."

NATURE AND ART.--485.

A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!"

THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486.

A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about nothing.

INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487.

"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our way," was the insinuating rejoinder.

STYLING THE FIRM.--488.

"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well, governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it.

A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489.

A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron."

SAVING THE TRUTH.--490.

"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of truth."

NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491.

"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder. By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'."

A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492.

Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," remarked Noah, "to need hanging!"

CUFF'S CABIN.--493.

A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn want mendin'."

SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494.

"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's Sermons._

THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495.

Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright; and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!"

GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496.

The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before Washington, July 17, 1864:--

Quoth Meade to Lee-- Can you tell me, In the shortest style of writing, When people will Get their fill Of this big job of fighting?

Quoth Lee to Meade-- Why, yes, indeed, I'll tell you in a minute: When legislators And speculators Are made to enter in it.

ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497.

The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted, by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms moderate."

A WHALE AT PEAS.--498.

The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say, had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas."

A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499.

"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily."

A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500.

A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the proposed sale was effected.

DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501.

A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow."

THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502.

"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me yesterday, when you were in town."

THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503.