Part 12

"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about 'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'"

"ARTEMUS WARD."

PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373.

Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide for_ as well as we!"

GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374.

When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman. Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general was civil during the rest of the evening.

THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375.

Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the 'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one, and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'"

LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376.

The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil, moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty."

COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377.

Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run away, colt's legs are better.

INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378.

A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a carriage."

"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379.

Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery."

OUR BOB.--380.

Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes, sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket."

SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381.

A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman. "Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_."

WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382.

A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard." "That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383.

A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady. "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay there?"

DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384.

A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and walked off home.

A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385.

My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones, clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young women would come after them.

A DELICATE CUT.--386.

A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman, and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg you won't introduce me."

NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387.

The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To ---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----." The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee, and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute thee. Greet the friends by name."

BREAKFAST IN BED.--388.

A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect. It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring. When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning, and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good breakfast off the edges as he lies.

SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389.

"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days.

POINTED RETORT.--390.

A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance.

THE LETTER R.--391.

The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope, because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion.

NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392.

A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather stay--where--I'm better acquainted."

HER POOR JERRY.--393.

An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston, June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_"

TALL TALK.--394.

A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why, sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment."

AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395.

The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed, and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which was henceforth to be of no use to him.

WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396.

A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the above we will be pleased to hear from him.

TRUTH WANTED.--397.

Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir, stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and "silence."

AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398.

An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise about it than the man who just lost his head!"

STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399.

A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately.

STEAM DEFINED.--400.

At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration."

A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401.

Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by, who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way on the keers?"

HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402.

Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care! They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing! There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me! I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy! Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored! Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real sweet! Tut! Wal, now!

HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403.

On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?" "I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so? Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" "Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant! I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't stand that."

YOUR FARE, MISS.--404.

The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem! miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop.

AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405.

In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?" Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!"

WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406.

A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look as if you knew much anyhow."

THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407.

There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, "Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a head_!"

CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408.