Part 10

Friday 25. I was waked this morning by the cries of my little child, who was very ill. I asked the maid to get up, and light the fire. She was unwilling, and spoke quick. I answered quick, “I wonder you can lie by the child, and hear him cry so.” Immediately I felt a danger of anger, and stopped short, glory be to God.

Saturday 26. I kept my bed most part of the day, and was likewise heavy in spirit, and had hardly any power to pray. But in the evening I was greatly comforted, in thinking how glorious the change would be, _when this mortal_ would _put on immortality, and death be swallowed up in victory_.

Monday 28. My little boy continued exceeding ill: I was quite resigned concerning him, only desiring it might please God, to ease his pain, either by life or by death. But I want more patience: I want a more feeling sense of the sufferings of our Lord, which he endured for _me_, though he knew no sin. And shall I, who deserve hell, complain of any thing?

Saturday November 2. My child being very unruly, I had a struggle to avoid anger in correcting her. May the Lord enable me, to keep my watch every moment; otherwise I cannot but fall.

Monday 4. This has been a blessed day of communion with God, particularly in private prayer. And yet I feel sin and Satan always near. But I find Christ nearer still.

Wednesday 6. Glory be to God, my whole desire is, to know more of myself, and more of God: to see more of God in every thing, and to be filled with a deeper awe of his constant presence.

Thursday 7. Blessed be the Lord for patience, under the unkind treatment of my nearest and dearest friends. I have been this week much drawn out in prayer, for the souls of all people. But I longed most of all for the prosperity of _Sion_, and that the Lord might ever reign supreme in mine own heart.

Tuesday 12. Some part of the day, I was dull and heavy; till I cried to the Lord, and he quickened me. In the afternoon, when the maid spoke, I felt lightness flashing on me as quick as lightning. But the Lord lifted up his standard against it: and it went as quick as it came. May he keep me from it as from the greatest of sins; for indeed there is no little sin in the sight of God.

Wednesday 13. This has been a day of strong prayer, and God has blessed me in a glorious manner. Yet the powers of darkness surrounded me in private prayer, so that sometimes I was almost afraid. But I cried to the Lord, and he refreshed my soul; and I could say with dear confidence, _Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil_.

Monday 18. I spoke a word unawares, which I was afterwards afraid, was not true. Then it came to me, “Where is your clean heart now?” But immediately I cried to God, “Lord, give me power to watch over my words, and always to think before I speak.”

Wednesday 20. Blessed be God, he has kept me this day also, and refreshed me with the showers of his grace. Yet the enemy questioned my evidence, and said, it was only justification which I experienced. But I know him to be a liar from the beginning. Afterwards, in the hurry of business, he strove to sow peevishness in me: but I begged the Lord to keep me from it, and he heard me.

Saturday 23. I was heavy in soul, and had many profane words brought before me. Sometimes also it was suggested, “Thou wilt destroy thyself:” at other times, “Thou hast committed the unpardonable sin.” The Lord keep me in the hour of temptation, and from the hour of temptation!

Monday 25. This was a blessed day to my soul. My mind was solemnly stayed on God. All the clouds were dispersed, and the sun of righteousness shone upon me again.

Tuesday 26. Our leader not coming, I was desired to lead the band. It was a cross to me, for fear I should not discharge my duty. But the Lord gave me a word to speak to each, and power to wrestle for them in prayer. Yet at night, I had much reasoning, whether I had spoken right; and then it was suggested, I had done well. The Lord give me power to flee from pride, in every kind and degree!

Thursday 28. Blessed be God, Christ was exceeding precious to me this morning. O what love had I for Christ! The Lord fill me with love every moment!

Saturday 30. I find my short-comings daily, and am amazed at the goodness of God. I was much distressed this evening, because, ♦I did not take up my cross, and give thanks after tea, though we had strangers. The Lord pardon me for it, and make me bolder for the time to come!

♦ “did” replaced with “I did” per Errata

Tuesday, December 3. Blessed be God, he raised me up to hear his word. And it was spirit and life to my soul. O what has he done for me, a sinner? He has saved me from guilt and from in-bred corruption, and has filled me with love. Now let _patience have its perfect work_!

Wednesday 4. Pride has presented itself to-day: but I looked unto God, and there was nothing in me to join with it: glory be to his name! I found great love to my sisters, and to some in particular. Sometimes I think, whether it is only a natural love: but I am soon assured, I love them only for Christ’s sake. Indeed my heart is inlarged toward all mankind; though particularly the people of God. But I want more faith and patience. I want to be more humble and meek. O may I be all like a little child!

*Friday 6. I used abstinence; and mourned, that I could not deny myself more. When I think, what my Lord suffered for _me_, what a little is it, to suffer the loss of an ordinary meal for him? O may it be _my meat and drink, to do his_ blessed _will_ on earth, as it is done in heaven!

Saturday 7. I advised with some of my friends, about dressing meat on Sunday. So I dressed meat to-night for our dinner to-morrow, according to their advice, and resolved hereafter (whoever was pleased or displeased) to obey God rather than man. I had afterwards some sharp words concerning it: but _a soft answer turned away wrath_.

Tuesday 10. We had sharp words again to-day, but, glory be to God, I had patience. I did not make any reply, and found nothing but love in my heart. May God give me the whole mind which was in my blessed Lord!

Thursday 12. Amidst the troubles and trials of the ungodly, I had the refreshing springs of my Lord’s love and grace. At night I was dull and sleepy before family-prayer: but then the Lord quickened my soul. I have been begging of him to-day more faith, more watchfulness, more humility: more understanding in his word, more knowledge of Satan’s devices, and power to shun them at the first approach. And O may he wash my best performances in his precious blood! May I still take great delight in the law of the Lord, and _keep his commandments with my whole heart_!

*Sunday 15. After I went to bed, I was much distrest, for cutting a ribband to wear. I was never till now convinced, that it was prophaning the Lord’s-day: blessed be God for convincing now! O what trouble was I in for a quarter of an hour! But I cried to God, and he rose on my soul again. May he abide therein, till time shall commence a glorious eternity!

Tuesday 17. I had a difficult talk in the evening, being obliged to lead the band. O how insufficient am I for such a work! I did not think it was so great a thing before. The Lord pardon whatever I said amiss. There seemed to be a cloud over us in prayer. If the cause was in _me_, the Lord reveal it, and take it away, for Christ’s sake!

Sunday 22. The enemy presented pride to me: but, blessed be God, I looked to him, and it fled away. I hope, he will never be able any more to sow this seed in my heart.

Monday 23. Glory be to God, I have found more love to my dear Saviour to-day than ever I did. O what hungering and thirsting did I feel, to do his will, as it is done in heaven?

Wednesday 25. This has been a blessed day to my soul; though I was grieved for the sloth of some of our family, who would not rise to the early preaching. The Lord stir them up to redouble their diligence. The enemy accused me to-day, of going with too much boldness to the Lord’s table. But I know it is only free grace that has enabled me so to do.

Friday 27. This has been a day of trial: but blessed be God, I was kept in perfect peace. Yet I could not but feel heaviness for my dear friends, to think of their precious, never-dying souls. The Lord give me a tender concern for them, and enable me to pray for them, and never cease.

*Tuesday 31. I spoke an improper word, which threw me into great heaviness. But I cried to God, “Lord, thou knowest, I would not offend thee willingly: I would sooner put my hand in the fire.” And he was graciously pleased to bless me that instant. But I saw, while I was at prayer, that I had been talking about religion in too light a manner. The Lord pardon me, and give more awe and reverence, for the time to come!

Wednesday, January 1, 1766. I found an increase of love to God and his people. In the evening the power of God was upon the congregation, in a glorious manner. We _sat under the droppings of his sanctuary_, and rejoiced in him with joy unspeakable.

Thursday 2. Glory be to God, my heart was inlarged, to love him with every faculty of my soul, with most ardent love to the children of God, and tender affection to all men.

Tuesday 7. My dear _M――――_ raged against me much. Lord lay not the sin to her charge! And say to the enemy, “Hitherto shalt thou go, and no farther.” I am much out of order in body, and do not find my spirit so lively as it was; perhaps through bodily weakness. But I can still rejoice in God, and love him with all my heart.

Thursday 9. I was tempted to peevishness this morning; but I prayed, and it found no place in me. I had likewise thoughts about my husband, because he did not come home so soon as I expected. But I looked to the Lord, and was resigned to whatever he would please to lay upon me.

Saturday 11. This has been a day of sore temptation: yet mine enemy gained no advantage over me. But I want to bear the cross more chearfully; for to-day I wept under it: though it was only, to think one who professed religion, should act so contrary to it.

Sunday 12. The enemy was let loose ♦upon me inwardly, as well as outwardly. He suggested, “What will become of thee? Thou wilt make an end of thyself, and be cast away at last.” I had scarce power to look to God, and thought it did not signify to strive any more. But, before I slept, he returned and healed my soul. May he give more liberty, love and power!

♦ “npon” replaced with “upon”

Saturday 18. I have been much out of order for several days, and have not rose to the morning preaching. If there is any sloth in me, the Lord give me to see it; I am not sensible of it. And I hope the Lord accepts of the will, as the power is taken from me. In the evening, my brother-in-law being with us, and my husband being unwilling to pray, I delayed praying till my brother was gone to bed. But it came to me afterward, “_Who art thou that thou art afraid of a man that shall die?_” The Lord pardon me for it. I hope whether my husband prays or no, I shall not omit it for the time to come.

Monday 27. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to such a rebel as me! What blessings has he given me this day? How happy have I been in his love? May he _keep the door of my mouth_, that I may never more speak unadvisedly with my lips! And above all, may he keep my heart, that I may no more _reason_ against him.

Wednesday 29. Blessed be God, Christ has been exceeding precious to me to-day. O how my heart was enlarged to poor souls! If I could have my liberty, I would spend all the time in the service of God, and have nothing to do with the world. Yet I see my own helplessness more and more, and that it is of pure love I am out of hell.

Friday 31. To-day I had a solemn sense of God, while I was in my business, and had much watchfulness over my words, saying continually in my heart, “_The_ Lord _sees me_!” Glory be to his name!

Monday, February 3. Glory be to God this has been a solemn day to my soul. In the evening my poor M―――― raged greatly: but I was enabled to stand in the hour of trial.

Sunday 9. Blessed be God, my evidence was as clear as the shining of the sun. Yet in the evening I was much tempted by the enemy, causing many wicked oaths to pass before my mind. But in the midst of all I could rejoice in God, knowing in whom I had believed.

Monday 10. Blessed be God, I desire nothing, but to drink deeper and deeper of his spirit. I see my evidence clear; but I see more and more of my own weakness, and long to live more to his glory. I am jealous over myself, because I do not rise in the morning as I used to do. Surely it is not because I shun the cross: for I do love him with all my whole heart. May he deepen his work of grace in my soul, and stamp his whole image upon my heart!

Friday 21. Two men coming in, one of whom was in drink, as we were going to drink tea, I thought it would be more form than devotion, to ask a blessing openly. So I shunned the cross. But I suffered for it afterward. The Lord be praised, that he did not enter into judgment with me, but gave me time to draw near him through the Son of his love. May he make me more fruitful for the future.

Saturday 22. I was twice tempted to-day to anger in the shape of zeal. But I saw the snare, blessed be God, and fled from it. In the evening I was much distressed with wandrings in the public service: all which I believe, proceeded from my omission yesterday. The Lord help me to watch and pray more, lest I enter into temptation!

Monday 25. At the love feast, I was in pain most of the time, longing to break through: and yet I could not declare what God had done for my soul. The Lord pardon me for my omission! I believe he is deepening his work in me. He does _sit upon_ me _as a refiner’s fire_.

Thursday 27. Glory be to God, he discovers more and more of his love, to me the unworthiest of his creatures. Yet, I doubt, I was not so watchful as I ought, some part of this day. And I fear, I lay in bed too long this morning. The Lord help me to use more violence to myself!

Monday, March 3. Glory be to God, I enjoy perfect peace amidst the storms of an ungrateful world. In trials from the world, and trials from them of my own houshold, he is my strong hold, to which I always resort. Yet I find the company of the world a great burden, when I am obliged to be with them in my business. I want power to reprove them more. The Lord help me in this also!

Thursday 6. Glory be to God I am amazed when I think of his goodness and my unworthiness. How did he bless me this evening at the room? I found I was all light in the Lord. How pure has he made my heart through faith! It is all of grace, free grace. This was a day of trial: but, blessed be God it was no trial to _me_, because the Lord took off the burden. Only I was concerned for their souls. Lord, save them, for thy dear name sake!

Monday 10. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day. O how did he bless me this evening? I wept to see the goodness of God in Christ Jesus toward me and all poor sinners. I find indeed a busy foe. But his grace is sufficient for me. I have my evidence still clear. The Lord give me to pray always: make me thankful, keep me humble, and keep me to the end!

Thursday 13. I was attacked with a light spirit to-day, which I dread and abhor. And all the company was assaulted with it at the same time: but the Lord sent us help in the time of need.

Friday 21. I rose to the preaching this morning, though my body complained. Still, in the midst of trials, my desire is, to know more of God and to live nearer to him. I had peace all this day, and power to look to God, in all the hurry of my business. Glory be to his holy name, for all is blessings, temporal and spiritual.

Sunday 23. I was much grieved at church, to hear people mocking God, by saying what they do not believe, and what they will flatly deny, as soon as they are out of church. It made me doubt, whether I ought to go to church or not? But I considered, I am not to look to them: I am to look to God only.

Monday 31. Blessed be God, that I am out of hell, that I have hope of seeing him in glory, and that he gives me now to commune with him, even as a man with his friend. Yet I want to be more watchful over my words. I believe it is my privilege to speak no more words than are necessary, and to the glory of God. The Lord pardon me for speaking amiss to-day, and keep me every moment watching unto prayer!

Tuesday, April 1. This has been a day of blessed humiliation to my soul, on account of my past life. I stand amazed at the goodness of God toward me. Blessed be his name, for giving me this evenness of mind. But I have need, to come out of myself more, and to rely more on Christ: the Lord increase my faith, and enable me so to do!

Friday 11. Blessed be God, for the peace I still enjoy amidst a world of business: But I want to sink down continually into the depths of humble love. I have not to-day so much comfort as I often enjoy. But I can rely upon my God: and I can appeal to him, it is my one care, to please him in all things.

Sunday 13. Glory be to God, for a peace that passeth all understanding. But I have not felt so much of his quickning power to-day as in time past. I have examined myself, and besought the Lord to shew me, if there was any evil in me. I do not find any; and it came to me, _Stand still, and see the salvation of God_. I have a solid peace: and though I have not so much liveliness in duty as usual, yet I find more watchfulness over my words and actions. But still how short am I of what I would be?

Sunday 20. Blessed be God, for giving me a resigned will, in the hour of trial. It has been expected these three days, that every moment would be the last with my dear little boy. Yet he keeps my mind in perfect peace. But the enemy is very busy, accusing me of hard-heartedness, for not weeping more. However, I am kept in the fire and in the water. And the Lord prepare me for whatever I have to go through!

*Friday 25. I am at present much fatigued in body, and very low in spirits. The Lord was pleased to take my dear little _George_ to himself on Wednesday morning. He supported me in a wonderful manner: but I have found the trial nearer to-day than ever. The Lord grant I may not grieve his holy Spirit! And whatever thy purer eyes have seen amiss in me already, cover with the mantle of forgiving love! May we humble ourselves under thy mighty hand! May it be a means of pressing us closer to thee! And may we follow on, to meet our dear infants, in the upper and better world!

Saturday 26. Glory be to God, that I am still on praying ground. His grace is still sufficient for me, though I find a trying world, and a tempting enemy: sometimes I feel my child very near. The Lord pardon me, if it is wrong! Give me more of the life and power of God in my soul, and keep me from a dead form of religion!

Sunday 27. Since last night, I have been in heaviness through temptations against my husband. O Lord, be pleased to disperse the cloud and shine on thy own work! Besides, we have been exposed to-day, to the company of carnal friends. Lord, pardon our backwardness in reproving, and give us more courage for God, and make us thankful, that he hath made us to differ and give me more of that fire of love in my heart!

Tuesday 29. Glory be to God, he returned to his temple this evening. The meeting of the bands was a blessed means of grace to me. When our brethren and sisters spoke of the goodness of God, it was spirit and life to my soul. Yet I was myself backward to speak, and when I attempted it, was seized with trembling all over. But at last, blessed be God, he opened my mouth, and then all my burden dropt off. Lord, help me always to tell of thy goodness, and keep me in thy laws, till grace end in glory!