Part 13
“Jesus all the day long Was her joy and her song: O that all his salvation may see! He has lov’d me, she cried, He hath suffer’d and died To redeem such a rebel as me!”
Though her outward situation was disagreeable, being surrounded great part of the day, with those who constrained her to see and hear what her soul abhorred; yet his grace was sufficient for her, and she remained always rejoicing, and praising the God of her salvation.
5. After some months, it was shewn her, that the seeds of sin were not yet rooted out of her heart. Yet she did not let go her confidence in God, neither lose the power over her besetting sin, which was anger. And it was her principle, not to rest an hour, without a feeling sense of the love of God.
6. On October the 9th, 1760, by the providence of God, she and I were married. She was truly an helpmate for ten years, three months, and two days: during which time we could truly say, there never was any thing but love and tenderness toward each other. There never was, that I remember, but once, any appearance of what is called a quarrel. And in a few hours she saw, it was not her business, to interfere with the discipline of the society.
7. Although there was the most tender affection between us, yet so exceeding great was her love to souls, and her desire for their welfare, that she was willing at all times for me to go to any part of the kingdom, without ever saying, “If you _must_ go, stay a few days longer.” And if I was absent three or six months, nay, a whole year, which was once the case, she never complained. She could part with husband, or any thing, to glorify him, who had done so much for her. The last time I spoke of leaving her, she was ill. My friends then advised me, not to go. I was inclined to follow their advice, as there appeared little hope of her recovery. But she insisted on my going where Providence called, saying, “I never have hindered you yet. And if I should do it now, I believe it would be displeasing to God.” I went, and after an absence of three months, returned just at the time, when she was taken with that last illness, which prevented her going out any more. And for my coming home just at that time, she praised God to her latest hour.
8. During the last ten years of her life, she had many and great conflicts. The sense of inbred sin, and of her having so many times offended God, after she had known his love, often lay heavy upon her mind, and pierced her with deep sorrow. The earnest desire of her soul was, to be wholly given up to God. But she was tormented with that fear, lest she should not glorify God in life and in death: particularly, lest by any improper behaviour at her death, she should be a reproach to the gospel. Likewise anxious care about the world, sometimes exceedingly distressed her. She was tempted to fear, lest she should live to be a burden to the society. Or, at least, till she could not be helpful to others, as she knew, it was more blessed to give than to receive. But thro’ the mercy of God, none of the things which she had feared came upon her.
9. Above two years ago, the disorder which occasioned her death began to be violent. Yet she did not abate her diligence, to support herself and family, till July 1769. Her pains then so increased, that she had no ease night or day, only when she slept, which was seldom more than an hour or two. But notwithstanding this, she could not be prevailed upon to keep her room before Christmas. From that time she was in exquisite pain, as tho’ her bowels were tearing asunder. She often said, _wearisome nights and days are appointed for me_. Yet in the sharpest pain, she never _charged God foolishly_, or once said, he dealt hardly with her.
10. During this long confinement, she felt a keen conviction of her past unfaithfulness, together with a piercing sense of inbred sin. And on both these accounts, she was often crying out in deep distress, _God be merciful to me a sinner_. She steddily believed, it was the privilege of God’s people, always to feel the clear witness of his spirit. Accordingly she was always, either rejoicing in the Lord, or deeply distressed for want of it. Even in the severest pain, she was not satisfied with patience, unless she had joy in the Lord.
11. She often would say, “The devil tells me, the peace I feel is only stupidity: that I have been an hypocrite all my life, and never was converted. But I can with confidence answer, this is false. I never desired to deceive either myself or others. I know the Lord did awaken my soul, and convert me to himself. And I cannot accuse myself of lukewarmness in my duty since. I have seldom wilfully missed my class, or band, or a sermon. Yet the manner in which I often performed those duties, causes my soul to tremble. My body was present: but often, too often my mind was engaged in my business. Herein I must plead guilty before God, and he might justly have cast me out of his presence.”
12. All this time the hand of the Lord was underneath her, and did not suffer her to sink in the deep waters. Yet she often complained, “I cannot rejoice in pain,” whereas St. _Paul_ says, _Rejoice in tribulation_: and that happy soul, _Nancy Rogers_ said, “Every pain is a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven.” I told her, “When you, like _Nancy_, are near your end, you may triumph over pain also. But should it be otherwise, your eternal state does not depend on that.” She cried out, “Nay, but what the scriptures declare, and what others have experienced, is for _me_.” She did not fear being cast into hell: yet her distress, at times, was exceeding great. She was vehemently athirst for full salvation, and often broke out into deep lamentation. “I am unlike the Lord! When shall I awake up after his full likeness!” Sometimes she seemed just ready to lay hold on the hope set before her. But she was checked by a sense of her unprofitableness in the ways of God: and would often break out, “True Lord, true! I am unprofitable indeed.”
13. At some times she was afraid, lest she should live to expend all she had, and leave me in distress. But about a month before her death, these fears vanished away, and she was quite resigned to the will of God, leaving it wholly to him to do what seemed him good, with her and all that she had. From this time she had no other care than that which related to her soul. She was now released from her severe pains, and her soul felt a solemn peace; tho’ she was still frequently tempted to fear, lest she should deceive herself.
14. Near three weeks after, I was reading in the fifteenth volume of the Christian Library, that section in _Isaac Ambrose_’s looking unto Jesus, “Desiring Jesus with respect to his death.” The Lord now turned his hand upon her, and caused her to feel his power. Her body seemed to be forgotten; while her spirit rejoiced in God her Saviour, crying out, “O the goodness of God, which directed that passage to be read this night!” Then she began to sing
“Thou shepherd of Israel and mine, The joy and desire of my heart! For closer communion I pine; I long to reside where thou art. The pasture I languish to find, Where all who their shepherd obey, Are fed, on thy bosom reclin’d, Are screen’d from the heat of the day.”
From this time she did _rejoice evermore_; and yet longed to triumph more. Her ambitious soul could not rest, till wholly swallowed up in God.
15. January 7. She desired to be taken out of bed. As soon as her cloaths were on, she expected to have gone to rest. But God was pleased to keep her a little longer in the body, for the comfort of her surviving friends. As soon as she was a little revived, I asked, “If she could stay her soul upon the Lord?” She said, “Yes, I can, tho’ I have not always that full assurance of faith.” But the next morning, God fulfilled the desire of her heart, and filled her with faith and love. About ten she seemed just expiring: but she soon revived. I said, “My dear, can you rely on the Lord?” She answered with triumph, “I can; yes, I can. All is plain before me. There is nothing now in the way. O the precious blood of God! O the precious blood of God! That precious blood cleanseth from all sin and from all stains.” I asked, “Has that blood cleansed _you_ from all stains?” She said, “Yes, yes. It has washed me, and it will still wash me.” I said, “For sorrow you shall soon have joy.” She said, “Sorrow! I have had no sorrow. When I think of what my Lord suffered for me, mine is nothing.” Indeed the exceeding happiness she now enjoyed, made her forget all her former pains. She said, “I shall be like him! I cannot tell what that is: but I shall be like him.” The convulsions then followed each other with little respite; but in the intervals, she was still praising God.
16. Wednesday 9. In the morning she was in great agonies, but said, “Lord, thou dost all things well! Now I have nothing to do but to praise: every breath shall be praise. I have just conquered death. O Jesus, thou didst bring me into the world, and hast preferred me in the world, and hast brought me thro’ the world!” I said, “He has brought you safe to Jordan’s bank.” She said, “O yes, he has, O that I may go full sail into port! I have a blessed pilot.” This day many persons came to see her. One said, “Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord!” She replied, “So saith the Spirit: for they rest from their labours.” A convulsion followed, after which she was light-headed: unless any one spoke to her of the Lord Jesus. Then for a time, her reason returned. She did not sleep the whole night, and her breath was almost gone: yet she said, “I do not feel much pain.” Thursday 10. Early in the morning she was again composed, and said, “I shall soon be with him. I shall drink of the river that makes glad the city of God. He has brought me out the white linen and put it upon me. I see Jesus! I see Jesus! He is worth more than all I have below.” This day she often dozed; but as soon as awake, said, “O precious Jesus!” Thus she spent the day, and most part of the night, saying, “I have often been weary of speaking of him: but now I can speak of him for ever.”
17. Friday 11. She knew all that came to see her, and spoke to several of them. About ten her daughter asked her blessing. She kissed her, and said, “The Lord bless you and give you grace to be dutiful.” Soon after one came, that was very dear to her. She would have spoke to her; but at first was not able. But after a short time she said, “Her voice has been pleasant to me. Farewell. I shall soon be in heaven;” These were the last words I could understand; but she was sensible to the last. About twenty minutes before one, she fell asleep.
“Thus may we all our parting breath Into the Saviour’s hands resign! O Jesus let me die her death, And let her latter end be mine!”
A short ACCOUNT of ANN ROGERS. By JOHN JOHNSON.
Saturday, _April 8, 1769_.
I WENT to see _Ann Rogers_, a young woman who had been for several years a member of the society in _Dublin_. Two or three years ago she believed God had saved her from all sin, and ever since behaved in the most exemplary manner. “My body, she said, is exceeding weak: but Christ is precious to my soul, and has not suffered me in all my weakness and pain to feel one murmuring thought.”
I enquired, how the work of God began in her soul? She said, “_May_ was six years I came to live with Mrs. _Riggs_, where _Mary Feris_ lived; at which time I had no notion of real, heart religion. But her behaviour struck me, and not long after, I went with her on Sunday morning to the _New-Room_. From that time I saw myself a vile, helpless sinner, of which I was convinced more and more; yet with strong hope, expecting deliverance under every sermon I heard, and in every meeting for prayer. But in about two months my hope grew weak, and I concluded God did not hear my prayers. Then deep sorrow seized my heart, till one night going to bed, I cried earnestly for mercy, and begged that if there were any for me, I might wake time enough to attend the morning preaching. I awoke at the time. In that moment I was enabled to believe, that God loved me. I rejoiced unspeakably; I was happy in his love, and have never since doubted of his favour.
“This joy continued for some months, but with an earnest hope of seeing greater things than these: those words being frequently in my mouth, and almost continually in my mind,
Wrestling I will not let thee go, Till I thy name, thy nature know!
And one day as I was sitting in my room, the power of God came mightily upon me, and those words were applied to my heart, in a manner I cannot express, _Thou art all fair, my love: there is no spot in thee_. It is impossible to tell how my soul was filled with love: surely it was angel’s food! I was called down to dinner, but could eat nothing: On this one said, ‘_Nancy_, have you got _the second blessing_?’ I did not know how to answer to this, or what name to call it by. But I said, I never was so happy in all my life: I am quite filled with love. And from that time I have continued, except some weeks in the beginning of last year, (when I was hurt by disputing about a third person) _rejoicing evermore, praying without ceasing_, and _in every thing giving thanks_. My particular prayer was, that God would give me all the grace which he had promised in his word.”
From the time that this disorder began, it was her constant prayer, “Lord, if I recover, let it be to thy glory; if not, thy will be done! Only do not take me hence, till thou hast finished thy work in my soul.” This, she added, “is my whole desire. And I must bear this testimony, the Lord Jesus hath always, on his part, been faithful and gracious to me. And though, on my part, I have been much wanting, yet he hath borne with me and mightily blessed my soul.”
Her mother told me, “Yesterday I thought she was expiring; she did not appear like herself; till she broke out, ‘The goodness of God has been so manifested to my soul, that I could not speak. Those words were spoke to my heart, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_. And, _Thou shalt be mine, in that day, when I make up my jewels_. O! I have sweet foretastes of heaven! I would gladly go to him my soul loves.’”
Sunday 9. I saw her again. She was then so weak, she could hardly speak to be heard. But after I had spoke a few words of the love of Jesus, she found strength and said, “The first Sunday in February last, at the sacrament, I did indeed eat his flesh and drink his blood. The glory of the Lord shone into my soul, and I felt so much of his love, it was almost more than my feeble body could bear: it was a real foretaste of heaven.” She said, “Three nights ago I was in exquisite pain, such as I never felt before: but every pain was a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven. I could thank him for all, and methought I would not recover for the whole world. Indeed the love of Jesus so ravishes my soul that I would not have ♦one pain less than he pleases.” Then correcting herself she said, “Pain! It cannot be called pain: his presence makes it heaven to me!” One said, “He has brought you through the wilderness, within sight of the good land.” She said, “O yes! O yes! He has; and he will be with me through the valley; this I cannot doubt.” I then took my leave and saw her no more. What follows, I had from those that attended her.
♦ “on” replaced with “one” per Errata
She exhorted all that came, particularly those that sat up with her, to redeem the time. To one she said, “O _Sally_, turn to God with your whole heart: you have but little time:” and to them all, “Make haste! Get ready! You have no time to spare.”
Afterward Satan was permitted to thrust sore at her. Waking out of sleep, she began to reproach herself, for sleeping, saying, “If I had not slept, it would not have been thus with me. I cannot doubt of the favour of my Lord: neither can I fear his casting me into hell. But I am tempted to think, I shall have sore distress at the hour of death.” This lasted some hours; but in the evening she said, “Christ is come, and Satan is gone.” Nor was he suffered to trouble her any more. All that followed was peace and love.
Yet she was exceedingly concerned for her mother, lest she should not freely give her up to God. Her mother was asked, Whether she could or no? She answered, “Since it is the will of God to take her, I do give her up freely.” And this reply gave her entire satisfaction.
The day before she died, the thought of being for ever with the Lord, was transporting to her soul. But she said to her mother, “I charge you when I am dead, let none of the wicked come into the room. Let it be filled with those that fear God; and while they are singing the praises of God below, I shall be singing them above.”
About three in the morning she said earnestly, “O precious Christ! O precious Christ!” These were her last words: but she still expressed her happiness, sometimes by lifting her eyes towards heaven, and sometimes by looking pleasantly on those about her, till her sight failed, and her spirit went up to God.
Some years before she died, she now and then wrote down a little of her experience. I believe these accounts, imperfect as they are, will be acceptable to the pious reader.
“April 10, 1764. The Lord has blessed me in a wonderful manner. Glory and praise to his great name! O that thy praise may dwell on my heart! O my Lord, enable the unworthiest of thy servants, to give thee thanks for thy unspeakable love! O that I could invite all to taste and see how good thou art, how full of truth and grace! O thou unexhausted fountain of love, enable me every moment to cast myself upon thee, and to receive out of thy _fulness grace for grace_.”
I continued thus for five days, yet with many wanderings from my God: but I had this cry in my heart, Dear Lord, deliver me from a heart so prone to wander from thee!
Tuesday, May 22. As I was at my work, these words came to my heart with power, _I will take away the heart of stone, and will give thee an heart of flesh_. I was lost in wonder, yet found unbelief till those words were spoke to my heart, _Ye are clean through the word I have spoken_. I found a change in myself from that moment, and could say, I love thee with every faculty of my soul. Truly I can say, that God is love! And that he delights to do his needy creatures good.
September 14, 1765. I had a greater desire than usual to retire from the world: yea even from the converse of the holiest Christians, to wait upon God alone. I wanted to have a closer acquaintance with the blessed Jesus. Happy he that can go to God at any time, praying to him with faith and fervency. My God, all my soul cries aloud for more of thy light and love! O my Lord, manifest thyself in me more fully! None living has greater cause to love and serve thee.
Sunday 15. The sermon at church caused some heaviness; but I was refreshed at the Lord’s table. O Jesus, assist me to look through every means, to thee, the fountain of life and love!
Monday 16. The sermon was as marrow and fatness to my soul. I did truly _wait upon_ God. I have been happy this whole day: Jesus has been precious to me. I found him in every means of grace: he is near me in every time of need. I see much of my helplessness and weakness.
Every moment, Lord, I want The merit of thy death.
Tuesday 17. I have found this day, most comfortable communion with Jesus, and free access to the throne of grace. Yet I have been greatly tempted: but the Lord stood by me, and made a way for me to escape. I want to be all attention to his voice, and to be more dead to the things of time and sense: let me have no will, O Jesus, but thine! Let thy will be done in me and by me!
Wednesday 18. This morning I was so stupid I could hardly pray: but thou art not extreme to mark what is amiss. All the day I was much hurried in business, and could not attend the public means of grace. But in the evening he made up the want, giving me free access to him in prayer: and therein he graciously refreshed my poor drooping soul. O my God, let the fire of thy love burn up whatever is not agreeable to thee. And let such a sense of thy free, unmerited love rest on me, as may keep me ever low at thy bleeding feet!
Thursday 19. This whole day, though much employed in my business, the Lord stood by me, and enabled me to look to him. In the evening he made a way for me to hear his word, and I found it good to wait upon him. He does fulfil his word, _They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint._