Part 12

Monday 20. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, and that I still find, God is a God of love. My desire is, to begin now; to live this moment, and believe for the next. I have been for some time confined to my bed, and am still confined to my room. But all is well, while I am enabled, in every state, to be content. I have had a week of close trials and temptations; but of deep consolations likewise. But I see I am still short in bearing all things, and in discerning the enemy’s first approach. Yet glory be to thy great and holy name, for what I do enjoy. O help me to prize thy blessings more, and to believe and love to the end!

Sunday 26. In the morning, before I rose, wandering thoughts were thrown into my mind. I begged the Lord to give me power to drive them out; and he heard my prayer. He gave me likewise a thankful heart, to think how richly he had provided for me, in temporals (while so many were in pressing want) as well as in spirituals: I could not help weeping before the Lord, and asking, “Why me, or mine? Why hast thou given _me_ this composure of mind, more desirable than all this world? Lord, give me to press after more inward solitude, and keep and water me every moment!”

Sunday, May 3. Glory be to thy great and holy name, for all thy blessings and mercies: But above all, for my dear Jesus: I feel the value of his blood and merits more than ever. I find myself all weakness and helplessness: his blood is all my plea. Through this I enjoy great peace of mind; although much indisposed in body. But I have been in doubt what to do. I said, about a year before I found peace with God, that I would not eat any more flesh suppers, except I was with child. But, as my present disorder was thought to require it, I eat this evening a little of a calf’s foot. Lord, keep me from scrupulous fears after it: Let not the enemy accuse me for it. Help me in this, and all things, to extol thy love and guardian care.

Monday 25. Glory be to God for new desires to serve him: Lord, encrease them every moment; and enable me to put in practice every desire, and every resolution, which is to thy glory! Let me never be weary of well-doing; but endure to the end, that no man take my crown!

Sunday, June 14. To-day I was at the house of mourning, at sister _Pearce_’s, whose child was near death. It was an happy time. While we read the experience of some departed saints, the Lord showered down his love upon us. After the boy died, I thought, Who can tell, what a blessed convoy surrounded us, although unseen by mortal eyes? And I had strong faith, that, through the blood of the Lamb, I should one day meet the saints above. I found also great faith for the welfare of Zion, and hope that the Lord would soon build her up. In my late indisposition, I found little activity and little power to pray. And I found the enemy taking every occasion to tempt me: But there was nothing in me to side with the temptation. Glory be to God for pure love! Glory be to Jesus Christ, my Lord! O continue to reign supreme Lord over every motion of my soul!

Thursday 25. Blessed be God, I enjoy a steddy peace, and evenness of mind. But illness weighs down my body and soul, so that I am not active in the service either of God or man. I found my own spirit very near in reproving: But I looked to the Lord, and was saved. And I was kept in a great measure from reasoning. On the closest examination, I found nothing but love in my heart. But I long to have all that mind which was in Christ Jesus my Lord!

Monday, July 6. At night, after I was in bed, I found my mind wander after distant things. I found it hard to fix my mind on the Lord only; but, glory to him, the fountain is still open. I have been much better in body to-day, and have been able to pour out my soul to God, more freely than for some time past. Indeed for some time I have had little life in prayer: But, blessed be God, he even then gave me power, which I had not, when I could rejoice to go to prayer, and found it sweet to my taste. He only knows, what is best for us. And when I was tried to-day, he gave me a meek and quiet spirit. But I believe I spoke afterward more than was necessary; yet, blessed be God, without condemnation.

Saturday 11. At a funeral, I was much tempted to look at those who were still in their sins, and to prefer myself before them. But presently it came, _Who maketh thee to differ?_ For a moment I sunk almost into despair. But I thought on the love of God, and received comfort. So busy is the enemy, first to lift us up, and then to cast us down.

Tuesday, August 4. Glory be to God, in the midst of trials, I was as calm as if I was out of the body. In the evening, while I was earnest in private prayer, I felt as it were a dart shot through me. I started a little, but still kept calling upon God, till I was more than conqueror.

Saturday 8. This evening I was obliged to speak on behalf of the injured. And I thought it my duty to speak sharply, though still in love and meekness. I found love for God and his cause constrained me so to speak: For I hate every thing that would dishonour him.

Sunday, September 9. I was closely tried from a near quarter: But I was kept in peace. I wept to myself, to think of the sore bondage sin had brought upon them who are under the power of it. It gave me to see the uncertainty of all things but the love of Christ.

Sunday 29. I was disturbed soon after midnight, and again a little before day. I did not wake any more, till almost six. I was grieved to be disappointed of the preaching, and yet contented, seeing there was no will of my own in the omission of it. All this day I had a solemn time. My soul enjoyed peace and tranquillity, and I found it good, to leave the things of time behind, and to wait simply upon God.

Thursday, October 1. When the select society met, I was much tired, and very heavy. But the Lord was pleased to bless others in a glorious manner. Immediately it was suggested, “This is false fire: or why am not _I_ affected!” I begged the Lord, to answer for himself. And, before we parted, I had the petition I asked of him, and was refreshed both in soul and body.

Saturday 3. Being much disordered in body, I was obliged to lie down. I dreamed I was exhorting some people of note, in an exceeding solemn manner. And I was so happy in God, that I afterward felt the good effect of it, even upon my body. Yet, in the end, methought I was tempted to lightness. See how Satan besets us sleeping and waking!

Tuesday 6. I had strong desires to be filled with God, and I find faith that I shall; that I shall be entirely devoted to God, and that every moment. My heart is more enlarged in love to all mankind, particularly to my brethren; and I have power to cover their faults with love, and to pray for them. Blessed be God, that his work is spreading among us: More and more are brought to the knowledge of God: And many are going from house to house, to call upon God and tell of his goodness. It is no wonder therefore that Satan rages: But I trust he will be disappointed of his hope. The Lord make us faithful, and keep us every moment watching unto prayer!

Sunday 18. Glory be to God, I find the fruits of the Spirit encreasing; particularly by means of private prayer. Indeed the enemy thrusts sore at me therein, striving to make me afraid, till I sometimes cry out, “Shall I be afraid to thank and praise my God?” He then presently flies, and immediately the Lord showers down his blessings upon me.

Though I have been kept by sickness from the public means, this has been a sabbath of rest to my soul. I had a solemn, peaceable time in reading, and a glorious time in private prayer, between five and six. And in the evening, the Lord poured his grace on my heart, as the dew upon the tender herb. I never saw so much of his greatness before. Lord, fill me with this awful sense of thy majesty, and let me be kept every moment in that silent heaven of love!

Sunday, November 1. I have kept my bed for some days, being much disordered in body. But, glory be to God, he has many times refreshed my soul with his love: particularly, when I have been favoured with the company of his dear children. When they called upon him in prayer, he was pleased to hear, and answer even while they were calling. In general, I have found calm composure of spirit, a deliverance from my own will, patience and resignation to the will of God, and power in the hour of temptation. But I want more strength of faith and love; for I find the enemy is always watching. And sometimes he comes very near, striving to sow the evil seed again. But, glory be to God, he has saved me yet, though sometimes I have been scarcely saved: So that I see I must live this moment to God, and watch and look to my dear Lord every moment.

Monday 2. When I waked, my husband soon began talking to me about worldly business. It was lawful, but I quickly found it was not expedient: For I had not so much power to pray as usual. But, in the evening, blessed be God, I waited upon him in a sweet, calm peace, at the preaching. Only I found a little reasoning, “What if I should fall in labour?” But it was quickly removed: And though my body failed a little, yet I was freer from wandrings than I ever was for a long time.

Thursday 5. The Lord does still bless me and keep me; but I come short of what I desire to be. In the morning I find strong desires to be wholly devoted to God in every thing. But in the evening, I find I have still come short, though without condemnation and fear. Blessed be God, I am kept from inordinate sorrow for my dear friend’s illness. Lord, prepare me for the same hour. And, if it be thy blessed will, rebuke the disorder, and raise her up, for the good of her family, and of thy people.

Sunday 8. The Lord was pleased to call her to himself. The day before she seemed much better. But in the evening she fell worse again, and this morning, about nine, departed. When word came of this, I was not shocked at first; but in a while I began to reason on what had passed between us the evening before. She then said, “When death seemed nigh some nights since, the enemy thrust sore at me, and said, This will be thy end: But I said, Not without God’s permission: He can bring me down to the belly of hell, and bring me up again, as he did _Jonah_ out of the whale’s belly. But it is one thing to talk of death, and another to have it brought home to us.” Then her husband, and children, and friends came near, and sorrow seemed to overwhelm her. But she said, “God is able to bless and keep them, without me, if he is pleased to take me. And if he is pleased to spare me, I can do nothing for them, without the Lord.” When I reflected upon these things, not watching unto prayer, I was quickly encompassed with a flood of temptations: So that I never remember to have passed such a night, since I knew the goodness of God. I could not sleep till six in the morning. But, glory be God, I had peace at the bottom, and continued striving with all my might. About Monday noon I found ease, and at five in the evening, I could wait upon the Lord without distraction. On Tuesday I had such a sweet and resigned will as I scarce ever had before. I was much taken up with the blessedness of heaven, and had no doubt but I should be there; but had no will of my own to die or live, only as the Lord should please, and not one reluctant thought concerning the leaving of my friends or family. I lay quite passive in the hands of my dear Lord. O may he ever keep me so!

_Mary Pearce_ was a woman of good sense, which, mixed with grace, was exceeding amiable. She had great light as to the spiritual life, could see the state of our souls, and set them before us as clear as the sun. She was of a spirit that sympathized with every one, both in their temporal and spiritual trials. Indeed her own life was a life of trials; which, she always said, was best for her, and no more than was needful to keep her from pride, and to break her stubborn will. But she bore all her trials with sweetness of temper, and never mentioned them but to a near friend. She was a dutiful child, a tender parent, an affectionate wife, and a faithful friend. May I tread in her steps, and follow the example of her patience to the end!

Friday, December 18. I am much burthened in body, and confined by reason of my burthen. Yet, blessed be God, I have patience to bear it, and tarry his leisure. I have been much tempted to an angry zeal, against some of my unconverted relations. But I saw the snare, and was delivered. Sometimes it is a cross to go to private prayer: but I still have peace and love. In meeting my band, I saw and felt my weakness very much. Yet the Lord blessed us, while we called upon him. Lord, bless me in the approaching hour of trial. Bless what is formed in me, and, if it live in this world; may it be devoted to thy service. Sanctify her sickness to my child, that is now under thy correcting hand. Prepare her for life or for death: and may I, and all my dear children meet at thy right-hand.

Sunday 27. I see more and more, that every thing I receive, is for the sake of my dear Lord, and that I always want his precious blood, to wash and keep me clean. Blessed be his name for faith in him. I find his light discovers darkness more and more. It is a great thing to come empty to God. Lord, help me to come wholly out of myself, to come to thee, as at first I came, and to return to thee all thou givest me. And help me in the approaching trial, to glorify thy great and holy name, either by life, or by death. To me, to live be Christ, and to die be gain.

Wednesday 30. Though I was greatly burthened in body, I enjoyed much peace of mind. But I was desirous, that those who had so highly dishonoured God should be openly expelled from us. Lord, lay thy mighty hand upon them, and sink them into deep repentance, that they may cry mightily to God, that he may enable them to return to him, from whom they have so deeply revolted.

Friday, January 1, 1768. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to me, in the year that is past. Thanks be to God and the Lamb, that he has given me to see the beginning of another year. Whatever time I live, may I live more to his glory, than ever I have done heretofore!

Saturday 2. This day has been a day of faith, and peace, and love: and my soul has been much drawn out in prayer. Now let me expect fresh trials, after such a shower of blessings.

Sunday 3. Though I am still confined from the outward means, which are highly desirable, yet, blessed be God, I find him present with me, keeping my soul in perfect peace. But I doubt I spoke more words to-day than were to the glory of God. O let the blood of thy Son, Jesus Christ, still cleanse me from all sin!

Sunday 10. Though much disordered in body, I enjoyed much peace and love in my soul. I calmly expect the Lord to deliver me of the fruit of my womb. But I do not find any will, but to glorify God; either by life or by death.

Sunday 17. Many times I have not power to speak: but, blessed be God, I find much thankfulness for all his mercies. My desires are still strong for God and his work, and I find an increase of peace and patience. In meeting my band, and in family prayer, he blessed us in an uncommon manner. But the more blessings I receive from him, the more I see and feel of my own weakness.

*Saturday 23. When the Lord opens my hand, to relieve the want of any of his poor creatures, I find still there is need to cry to him, that I may give him all the glory. Blessed be his name, my own spirit is dying daily. Yet I sometimes find it a cross to go to private prayer; but so much the more am I blest therein. And the Lord greatly blessed us in family prayer, when I earnestly called upon him, to come and destroy inbred sin out of the hearts of those who know his pardoning love.

Sunday 24. I had a longing desire to speak very plainly to my dear mother. But I could not; I could only pray with her, and read to her some passages of scripture. But, blessed be God, he has answered my prayer, with regard to my family’s keeping the Lord’s day. Lord, enable them always to keep a sabbath of rest, and to find rest in their own souls!

Sunday 31. Glory, and thanks, and praise, be to God and the Lamb, for his unbounded love to such an helpless worm! Blessed be his holy name, I enjoy peace, and love to God and all mankind. I have no desire to live, unless to his glory: but, through the burden and pain of my body, I cannot put my desires in practice as I would: blessed be God, that he takes the will for the deed. Lord, help me in my present condition, to glorify thee by patience: to be content to suffer as long as thy goodness pleases, and to wait till thy good time is come. And let me regard neither pain, nor ease, but as it brings me nearer to my dear Lord.

From Tuesday to Friday I was quite confined to my bed. On Tuesday, I had much liberty in meeting my band: but since that time, I have had little power, except at intervals. On Friday evening, it was strongly suggested to me, “Thou wilt fail, when thy hour of trial comes.” I immediately told my husband: he prayed with me, and I found liberty. Yesterday morning, the same temptation assaulted me strongly: but I spoke of it as soon as it came. And since that time, blessed be his name, I have felt it no more. Lord, help me! Lord, keep me every moment! Keep me to the end, for my dear Lord’s sake!

A short ACCOUNT of ANN JOHNSON. By JOHN JOHNSON.

1. SHE was born at _Lambeth_, October 17, 1717. Her mother died while she was young. About sixteen, she married a seafaring man, who by his extravagance exposed her to many difficulties. Often in sailing from port to port, to prevent, if possible, his wasting his money when he came from sea, she was in great danger, and then made many resolutions; but they quickly died away.

2. On February 14, 1747. Her husband brought her to _Dublin_. But she was still the same: “I do not remember, said she, that I had any thought, whether I had a soul or not, till I was about twenty-eight years old.” At that time she began to reflect with terror, on the immortality of her soul. She saw and felt, that hell was her just desert, and could find no way to escape it. She knew she was under the wrath of God, but knew not how to appease it. She went from church to church, and endeavoured to do whatever she was taught; but found all she could do was nothing. Sometimes indeed her convictions subsided for a time; but returned with double violence. The cry of her soul continually was, “Lord what must I do to be saved? Shew me the way wherein I should go!” Thus she went on for several years.

3. About fourteen years ago she heard Mr. _Thomas Walsh_ preach in the New-room. She said, “He made my soul tremble exceedingly.” Her fears were rather increased than lessened. But the eyes of her understanding were not opened, with regard to the true method of salvation. Afterwards she heard “that blessed man of God,” (as she justly called him) _Paul Greenwood_. She then saw, that _by grace we are saved through faith_, and at the same time, sin received a mortal wound. She determined, nothing should prevent her seeking the pearl of great price, that precious faith. She had much opposition; but nothing stopped her soul on full stretch for salvation. Such was her desire to hear the word, that frequently when she was locked into the room, up one pair of stairs, she got out at a window. She directly joined the society, and counted all things loss, so she might win Christ.

4. It was not long before it pleased God to remove the opposer out of the way. She now frequently received much comfort: but that did not satisfy. Nothing could give her lasting comfort, till she knew her sins were blotted out. This she earnestly sought both in private and public, missing no opportunity of hearing the preaching. And one Sunday morning, as Mr. _Deaves_ was giving out an hymn, God was _pleased to reveal his Son in_ her, and to enable her to say with a clear confidence, “He has loved _me_, and given himself for _me_.” It was with much difficulty that she refrained from crying out, and exhorting all to praise the Lord. She now delighted to run the way of his commandments. Her heart was enlarged. Both her heart and hands were open towards those that feared God, and had her power been equal to her will, none of them should have wanted any thing. For some months she walked as on the wings of the wind.