Part 4

Thursday 17. All this day I was in a very disagreeable frame, which I cannot well describe. I retired, read the psalms, and the 4th of _Matthew_. O may I like our blessed Lord when tempted, answer the tempter with the word of God. The text this evening was _Isaiah liv. 22_. _Look unto me and be ye saved._ My thoughts were very wandering all the time. O when will my mind be constantly fixed on, and looking to that glorious object of our faith and love!

Friday 18. My soul was in a cold dead frame, and so it continued all the day, yea all the week. For tho’ I cannot accuse myself of the omission of any known duty, yet such a total indifferency I have not felt for some time. O that God would give me to see the fatal cause, the accursed thing that keeps my heart from him!

Saturday 19. I was much in the same state, and felt not the least life in any duty till evening. Then the Lord enabled me to pour out my complaints into his compassionate bosom, with great enlargement. When Mrs. _L――――._ met me, I told her my state, she advised me not to let my deadness discourage me, but still to hold on in the ways of the Lord, who perhaps might be proving and trying me to see if I would do so or not. This gave me some comfort, and left me hopes that he would at length come and visit my soul with his salvation.

Sunday 20. My uncle’s text this evening was _Luke xiii. 3_. _I tell ye nay, but except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish._ The word came with power to my heart. O God, give me grace that I may not prove a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the word, that so I may be blessed in my deed.

Monday 21. I found a desire when I awoke to spend the day to the glory of God, and I made it my earnest prayer to him that he would enable me to do it. I bless God, that through his grace I was serious, and found my mind stayed on him in some measure. O that I may always have a recollected spirit! Thou Lord, hast promised to keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.

Tuesday 22. My mind was in some measure serious, but not as much as the day before. The text to-night was _Habakkuk ii. 4_. _The just shall live by his faith._ My thoughts were much drawn off on account of my being to set the tune, lest I should forget it. O how easily doth the enemy get an advantage over me, when I am not standing upon my guard! Lord, give me a watchful spirit!

Wednesday 23. My soul seemed like a barren wilderness, where nothing but weeds and thorns grow; nothing but evil did I find in my heart. O my God, give me thyself; then shall this wilderness become like a watered garden which thou hast planted.

Thursday 24. I found my mind kept in a serious frame all the day, blessed be God.

Friday 25. I continued in a serious frame, which I bless God, lasted all the day. O how much sweeter is it to be in such a state, than to enjoy all that the world calls pleasure! But indeed it is only they who term it so. The people of God see there is no pleasure in these foolish things; for surely nothing can satisfy an immortal soul created for the enjoyment of God, but God himself.

Saturday 26. I have reason to praise the Lord, that I found my soul still serious; this I account a great blessing, especially to me, who am naturally of such a trifling spirit.

Monday 28. When I awoke, my thoughts were still stayed, and I bless God, I was in a serious frame all the day. O my soul, if thou hadst always an awful sense of the divine presence, thou wouldest be always serious and recollected, for it is impossible that a soul which considers God is present should dare to behave in a trifling manner before his awful majesty.

Thursday 31. The evening text was _Matthew xi. 28_. _Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, &c._ My mind was taken up with observing a gentleman and lady who were laughing and talking together all the sermon time. Lord forgive my sin and lay it not to my charge.

Friday _February 1_. My mind was much stayed on the things of God when I awoke and it continued so all the day.

Saturday 2. My soul was much alive this day, and I was given to see more clearly than ever, the mystery of iniquity which is in my heart. O thou who searchest and triest the reins of the children of men, give me to see more and more of the sinfulness of it, and do thou wash and cleanse it in the blood of _Jesus_.

Monday 4. This morning we experienced God’s providential care over us; for the chimney of the little parlour took fire, and might have done great mischief had it not been discovered in time. Thus the Lord took care of us ♦where we knew of no danger, and could not take care of ourselves.

♦ “when” replaced with “where” per Errata

Thursday 7. This day my uncle, and Miss H――――e sat out hastily for Bristol, ♦where my Aunt B――――ly was in great distress, Mr. B――――ly having died suddenly, and left her among strangers, with whom she was quite unacquainted till within three or four weeks. O how many unforeseen troubles are we liable to, which are all so many calls to us, to lay up our heart and treasure above.

♦ “were” replaced with “where”

Sunday 10. Mr. Rodda preached on _Matthew iii. 10_. The discourse, blessed be God, came with power to my soul. O Lord give me the hearing ear, the seeing eye, and the understanding heart.

Monday 11. This morning being to be taken measure off for our mourning, we were obliged to go out, which dissipated my thoughts very much. O what a little serves to draw our minds from God! But alas they are not so easily drawn off other things; such enemies are we to ourselves.

Tuesday 12. My thoughts were pretty much stayed this day, and I was enabled to resist a temptation not to go to prayer because the weather was cold, and I was unwilling to leave the fire.

Wednesday 13. In the evening I read Miss Cooper’s life and letters. Then we all joyned in prayer. My soul was blest and enlarged in that duty. When I was in bed, I took a review of my past life, and found reason to humble myself before God, for my unfaithfulness in not making a better use of his many mercies to me. But O may I now begin and serve and love him all my days.

Monday 18, Tuesday 19. My soul was in a serious and yet dead frame these days. O may I improve every state I am in; and make the very temptations of the enemy, serve ♦as weapons to fight against him with. Thus shall I by throwing his darts back upon his own head, force him to fly from me.

♦ duplicate word “as” removed

Thursday 21. I was in a comfortable frame of spirit this day. In the evening whilst I was conversing with my sisters and cousins upon religion, I found my soul greatly blest; and I was much enlarged afterwards in praying with them, blessed be God.

Sunday 24. I finished writing the life of that excellent man, Mr. Blackerby; O may I live his life, die his death, and be in the place where doubtless he now is. There I shall be free from all impurity, all sorrow, all sin, and be eternally out of the reach of death.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was in a serious, tho’ dead frame. Lord, quicken, strengthen, and comfort me by thy word, and spirit.

*Thursday 28. Was my birth-day. I found a desire, and resolution, to be more devoted to God the ensuing year, than I was the foregoing. O may the Lord enable me to perform my resolutions. I also found serious reflections on the shortness of life, and thankfulness to God, for sparing me to see fourteen years. O may I let these reflections have their due weight, and influence on all my conduct for the time to come. And always consider that

“My life is a dream, My time as a stream, Glides swiftly away: And the fugitive moments for no one will stay.”

Lord, do thou give me _so to number my days, that I may apply my heart unto wisdom_.

Saturday, March 2. My uncle returned home, and with him my aunt B――――ly, whom I was much rejoiced to see.

Saturday 9. This evening poor Mrs. L――――, was taken extreamly ill. It brought many serious reflections to my mind. Well may we say, in the midst of life we are in death. O may I always consider this and never yield to levity, or any thing which is displeasing to a God of the strictest purity, who may strike me dead in a moment; and since I may die this day, let me spend this and every other as tho’ it were my last.

Sunday 17. At night as I sat by the fire-side, I found my soul blest, and many serious reflections brought to my mind, which continued till I went to bed.

Monday 18. I awoke in much the same state, and continued so all the day, blessed be God.

Tuesday 19. The text this evening was John v. 8. _Wilt thou be made whole?_ My heart seemed ♦to reply, Yea, Lord, I will if thou wilt: and of this I need not doubt; for thou art always more ready to give, than I am to receive. O that thou ♠would’st ever

“Make me willing to receive, All thy goodness waits to give.”

♦ duplicate word “to” removed

♠ “woud’st” replaced with “would’st”

Saturday 23. My soul was much blest, and my heart raised in thankfulness for the many mercies I have received at the hands of my merciful God: at the same time I was humbled under a sense of the ungrateful returns I have made him.

“When all the mercies of my God My rising soul surveys, Why, my cold heart, art thou not lost, In wonder, love, and praise.”

Sunday 24. Mr. Murry, preached from _Numbers xxiii. 10_. _Let me die the death of the righteous_, &c. O may I not only die his death, but also live his life; for indeed ’tis impossible to do the former, unless we first do the latter.

Saturday 30. Mr. F――――l, in the evening preached on _John xx. 19_. _Peace be unto you._ Tho’ I was much tempted with drowsiness under the word, yet some parts of it were greatly blest to me. He afterwards met the society, and told them, that in several places both in this round, and others, numbers were convinced and brought to Christ. O may I be one!

“Into that happy number, Lord, A weary sinner take, Jesus, fulfil thy gracious word, For thy own mercy’s sake.”

Sunday 31. I spent the morning in reading the eight last chapters of _Romans_, and Mr. _Wesley_’s notes upon them. Indeed I think they are a most beautiful part of the scripture. O that they and every other part of that holy book may be written upon my heart.

Sunday, April 7. Was Easter-day. I was prevented from hearing the sermon by a violent tooth-ach. O how many pains are we subject to while in this mortal life! But when this mortal shall put on immortality, what a glorious change shall we undergo? _Lord, let this change pass upon me, and to that end let me now rise from a death of sin unto a life of righteousness._

“Thy resurrection’s power impart, And rise triumphant in my heart.”

Thursday 11. At noon, we had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John Wesley_’s company to dinner; and in the evening he preached on _Jeremiah viii. 22_. _Is there no balm in Gilead_, &c. His conversation was very edifying, and God blest it to my poor soul.

Friday 12. At five in the morning, Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Psalms lxxxiv. 1_. _How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts._ At night we took leave of him, and of my uncle, aunt, and Mrs. L――――. These at one in the morning set out for _Liverpool_, and he at five for _Newcastle-upon-Tyne_.

Sunday 14. I found my mind much oppressed with perplexing thoughts concerning my dear parents. But why, O my soul, dost thou suffer these anxious cares to oppress thy troubled breast? Is not the God who gave me these tender parents at liberty to take them from me? And is he not able to raise me up friends in their room? Besides, this is caring for the morrow. Is it not time enough to make myself uneasy when the trial comes, without anticipating what may never be? Then, O my soul, trust thou in God: for he will be the help of my countenance, and my God.

Saturday 20. I was all this day in a fretful frame, which I too much yielded to. O God, give me power over this, and every other easily besetting sin.

Sunday 21. I read a letter of Miss B――――ts to Mr. _Wesley_, concerning the manner of her bringing up the poor children that she has taken. In which I could not help observing the power of faith. How has she surmounted every difficulty that stood in her way. O may I like her live by faith, till I shall go to live

“Where faith is sweetly lost in sight, And hope in full supream delight, And everlasting love.”

Monday 22. Expecting our friends home from _Liverpool_, Miss H――――e, and I sat up to receive them; about twelve at night they came very much fatigued. They informed us of a narrow escape they had met with; the coach they were in was overturned with six people in it, and some on the outside: yet not one was hurt. Surely the providence of God was over them for good. I soon got to bed sleepy enough, and when asleep, I dreamt a very particular dream: *I thought Mrs. L―――― bid my cousin A――――, and me look out at a window, and we should see an angel, who would tell us comfortable news. We did, and after some time we saw a bright star, which grew brighter and brighter, till an angel appeared exceedingly beautiful and majestic. As he came nearer I was quite overwhelmed at his presence, and could scarce look at him, his lustre so dazzled my eyes. When he approached me, I thought I faintly uttered these words; “Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth.” At this he said, “The Lord has sent me to tell you, that all your sins are forgiven, and will never be remembered against you any more, unless you fall again into sin. He has blotted out your transgressions, and cast them behind his back.” I immediately said, How can these things be? Can I, who am so great a sinner, and have never truly repented be forgiven? He answered; “With God nothing is impossible. Continue waiting upon God in his appointed way, and you will soon find the truth of these promises:” He spoke much to me concerning my unbelief, and then suddenly disappeared, leaving me quite overwhelmed, but much comforted. O that my dream may be shortly fulfilled.

Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I be truly happy, and not till then.

Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.

Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!

Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. W――――h to the old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady _Catherine Parr_, the last wife of King Henry the VIII. was born. Indeed it is a venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.

“_Jerusalem_, the saint’s abode, Whose founder is the living God.”

Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!

“If this felicity were mine, I every other would resign, With just and holy scorn: Chearful and blithe my way pursue, And with the promised land in view, Singing to God return.”

Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long, blessed be God who kept me so.

Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was _God is love_. _1 John xvi. 4._

Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the spark and let it grow into a flame!

Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But while Mr. C――――k was preaching in the evening from these words, _O Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help_. Hosea xiii. 9. My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost it immediately.

Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit, and an eager desire for faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.

Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead, and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God deliver me from a trifling spirit.

Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.

Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, _my inward parts are very wickedness_. I saw clearly that I had broken every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works I must eternally perish. I must come with the _Publican_, crying, God _be merciful to me a sinner_. How truly might I say,

“No good word, or work, or thought, Have I to buy thy grace, Mercy I accept unbought, Thy profer I embrace.”

*Sunday 26. In the afternoon we went to Mrs. _C――――s_ to see the corpse of her daughter. I was not at all shocked at the sight, but it brought many serious reflections to my mind. How is she who not many months ago was in all the bloom and vigour of youth, cut down like a flower! So, just so, thought I, must I shortly be: I must die, be stretched in a coffin, and laid in the silent grave, and shortly it will be forgot even by my nearest and dearest friends, that there was ever such a person. O may this awful thought never be absent from my mind! How will it lessen my esteem for all these perishing enjoyments! How will it make me spend every precious moment, in preparation for a never-ending eternity! May the Lord grant that when death comes, he may not appear as a king of terrors, but like a welcome messenger sent to carry me to my Father’s house.

Sunday June 2. In the evening my uncle preached his farwell sermon on _Acts xx. 27_. _I have not shunned to declare unto you the whole counsel of God._ He repeated briefly the doctrine which he had taught them, and exhorted them to take heed, least the word should rise up in judgement against them in the last day. O may it not against me! For alas as yet I have been a barren fig-tree. Well may I say,

“Long have I sat beneath the sound Of thy salvation Lord, But still how weak my faith is found, And knowledge of thy word.”

Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy glory.