Part 5

Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a quarter past two, set out on our journey to _Chester_. When we came near _Lancaster_, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us. At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined at _Preston_, and at nine in the evening reached Mr. _A――――s_ house in _Warrington_. We soon got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a delightful journey the rest of the way to _Chester_, where we arrived about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the barren _Kendal_ mountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence to the preaching-house. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _Matthew ix. 22_. _Daughter be of good comfort_, &c. I found my soul humbled under a sense of my own vileness, and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.

Sunday 9. Mr. _G――――d_ preached, met the society and spoke to the children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.

Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me. I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,

“Not more than others I deserve, Yet God hath given me more, For I have food whilst others starve, Or beg from door to door.”

Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, and some other friends, to go to a little village called _Crislington_, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest, though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same peculiar taste.

Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they being good singers, past away the time very agreeably. Mr. _B――――t_ persuaded my aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, Miss _H――――_ and myself to go to his class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his manner much, and I think I was profited by it.

Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching, but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the singing that hymn _Wrestling Jacob_, I had no reason to repent going. My desires were much enlarged after God, with a hatred to sin. O that I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!

Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel. Mr. _H――――_ opened it, his text was in _2 Chronicles vi. 41_. _Let thy Priests O Lord God, be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness._ He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and conversations be more exemplary than ever before.

Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the things of God.

Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and my soul much blest.

Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity, I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.

Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably. I had great sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.

Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the 11th chapter of the _Hebrews_. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee, with all my heart and soul.

Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures. Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.

Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!

Sunday 21. We went to St. _John_’s church. I found my soul blest at the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the desire, will fulfil it.

Wednesday 24. In the evening we went down to my aunt _B――――s_, where we parted with my dear friend Miss _H――――_. I was much concerned at taking leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again: if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where crying, and pain, and death are over.

Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another, I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough, and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.

Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at the sacrament.

Friday 16. We had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. _John Wesley_’s company to tea, and in the evening he preached on _2 Corinthians vi. 2_. _Now is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation._

Sunday 18. In the morning Mr. _Wesley_ preached on _Mark ix. 23_. My soul was exceedingly blest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state, as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more faithful for the future.

Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read, or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time. Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.

Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it had been all the day, and all the week.

Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. _B――――t_ to _Eaton_ by water, to see Lord _Grosvenor_’s seat. We had a parcel of obstinate men in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t know I felt fear arise once the whole time.

Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the blessing.

“Author of faith, to thee I lift My weary, longing eyes: O let me now receive that gift, My soul without it dies.”

Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy matter to rise again. Therefore let me be

“Always standing on my guard, And watching unto prayer.”

Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing much quickened; thanks be to God. In the evening we went to chapel, Mr. _M――――_ preached from _Luke vi. 19_. He is but a young preacher, yet I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon were blest to me.

Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire, O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.

Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.

Sunday 15. This morning Mr. _M――――s_ made an exceeding fine discourse upon _Philippians iii. 7_. _But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for_ Christ. My soul was much comforted and encouraged, while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.

Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a fervent desire to look to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out to us from _John iii. 14, 15_. O that I may ever look to him, to heal the wound which sin has made!

“Stung by the scorpion sin; My poor expiring soul,”

O that I could add

“The balmy sound drank in, And was at once made whole.”

I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this, and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.

Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday, having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne; blessed be God.

Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.

Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.

Sunday 20. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Matthew v. 22, 26_. _Agree with thine adversary quickly_, &c. He earnestly exhorted and intreated every one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest, till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it will be like the morning cloud.

Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.

Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled, and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again to the enemy of my soul.

Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty of the sons of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a rival.

Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.

Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt experience,

“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest, And lo for thee I ever mourn: I cannot, no I will not rest, Till thou my only rest return: Till thou the Prince of peace appear, And I receive the Comforter.”

Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always let me retain,

“A spirit still prepared, And armed with jealous fear, For ever standing on its guard, And watching unto prayer.”

Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.

Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised, _Those that ask shall receive_.

Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ preached on _John ix. 25_. My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.

Sunday 24. Mr. _M――――e_ preached in the morning on, _Do all to the glory of God_. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I? Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.

Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I find _that_ an inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.

Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!

Sunday 8. In the morning Mr. _M――――_ preached on _Romans i. 17_. _For the just shall live by faith._ My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace through _Jesus_ the Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him, _my Lord and my God_.

Thursday 12. My uncle’s text was _Proverbs xxiii. 23_. During the first part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a stayed, and composed mind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in the presence of God.

Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord, what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me, what I ought, what I want to be.

Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind, and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be! Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul. On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week yielded to it. O what a good God is ours! He shewed me my sin: he gave me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord give me a thankful heart.

Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the 15th verse of the 4th chapter of the _Hebrews_. _For we have not an high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin._ O what comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses, and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.

Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable blessing.