Part 8
Thursday 25. (Being _Christmas-day_.) In the evening my uncle preached with much life and power, on _Luke ii. 10_. _Behold I bring you good tidings of great joy._ The enemy stirred up the mob to make a disturbance while we were singing the last hymn; but in spite of them, we concluded singing, and after waiting some minutes they were dispersed, and we returned home in peace.
*Friday 26. This day and the next my soul was not in so sweet a frame as a few days before: it might be occasioned partly by a violent cold, which weighed down my body very much. O happy day when the soul shall be released from its prison, and freed from its bodily-chain; when the disembodied spirit shall be received with shouts of joy, into the paradise of God.
Sunday 28. This morning the family went to the house of God, but a violent cold confined me at home; however, the Lord was present there also, for my soul was greatly refreshed in private duty. Indeed all the day I found great sweetness and comfort in my soul, though my cold unfitted me for any set waiting upon God.
Wednesday 31. This night I determined to sit up till I had begun the New-Year, which I accordingly did, spending the time in reading, meditation, and prayer, and I found it comfortable and profitable to wait upon God in the stillness of the night. O may the resolutions which I this night made, be brought to good effect!
Thursday, January 8, 1767. This day blessed be God my soul was much alive, and my desires and expectations quickened by hearing that Mrs. _M――――n_, a person in our class had found the peace of God. I found much attention and sweetness likewise under Mr. _R――――s_ sermon in the evening.
Saturday 10. Mr. _R――――s_ preached upon _Isaiah xliii. 25, 26_. _I, even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake._ My soul was in a waiting, expecting frame. Lord, how long shall it be e’re thou satisfy my longing heart with thy love, the thing I desire above all others. I can truly say,
“Of all thou hast in earth, or heaven, Let love alone be mine.”
Sunday 11. We went to church, had a sermon on _Ecclesiastes ix. 10_. It was an exceeding pretty discourse, but not a word of Christ in it. The minister exhorted us to improve our time in works of piety, charity, and the duty of our respective callings, but never told us how we were to be enabled to do all these things, presuming, I suppose that his auditory needed no such information. Towards the latter end he allowed us a little innocent diversion, and concluded with saying that by a diligent improvement of our time in all the duties he had recited, we should recommend ourselves to God, and be accounted worthy to be admitted into heaven. I found much ♦thankfulness that I was better instructed. I was at preaching in the following fortnight but twice: all this time I was sometimes in earnest, then too careless. Lord, pardon what is past, and O let me for the future give all diligence to make my calling and election sure.
♦ “thankness” replaced with “thankfulness” per Errata
Sunday 25. I did not go out in the morning, but I spent the time very comfortably, in reading the blessed word of God; and in the afternoon I read Mr. _Hervey’s meditations_, which were also exceeding sweet and profitable.
Sunday, February 1. I went to the sacrament this day at _Trinity_ church. This being the place where the remains of my dear Miss _L――――y_ were deposited, it brought many serious reflections, but they did not draw me off the duty, in which I was more immediately engaged. For this week past I have at times found a measure of seriousness and enlargement in private duty. I scarcely know what state my soul has been in this fortnight past, not having had time to write. I fear I am falling into the former Laodicean spirit. Lord Jesus, quicken me; O save me for thy mercy’s sake.
Saturday 28. This being my birth-day, I would have spent in retirement, but was prevented; however I spent two hours herein exceeding comfortably. O may I spend each day and moment in the service of him, who has so graciously preserved me to this time! Surely it is of the Lord’s mercies that I have not long since been consumed, because his tender compassions fail not.
Sunday, March 8. My heart was much drawn towards God this morning, both before and at church. Friday evening a young stranger who appeared quite illiterate, agreeably surprised us with a connected sensible and profitable discourse on, _Behold God is my salvation_. O when shall I experimentally say these words? Lord, why not now?
Sunday 15. I spent the morning very comfortably in reading the scripture with Mr. _Wesley_’s notes; in the afternoon Mr. _Hervey_’s sweet meditations on the starry heavens. I found my soul in a serious thoughtful frame, till I was discomposed by a trifling incident.
Sunday 29. I found my soul much led out in prayer, even while I was reading, as I did during the latter end of the last week; blessed be God for it.
Sunday, April 5. I was greatly distressed at church, and afterwards, upon account of my sins, and at times was even ready to believe that the Lord would cast me off for ever. All I could say was,
“Guilty I stand before thy face, I feel on me thy wrath abide, ’Tis just the sentence should take place, ’Tis just――but O thy son hath died.”
In the evening we had a profitable and lively love-feast, at which my poor soul found some refreshment. O may it be daily fed with the bread of life!
“This manna to my soul be given, Sent from the tree of life in heaven.”
Friday 17. This day being Good-Friday, we went to the sacrament at the Cathedral, but in no means whether public or private, was my soul blest, tho’ I found great attention to the sermon preached by Mr. _G――――d_ in the evening, upon the words with which our once dying, tho’ now ever living Saviour closed his suffering, painful life! _It is finished._ John xix. 30. Amazing truth!
“’Twere bold to think it true, If not far bolder still to disbelieve.”
That the author and possessor of life eternal, should himself become a prey to death! And for whom? For angels? No, when they left their first and blest estate, it was irretrievably lost. For his friends? No, but for enemies, for rebels, for vile apostates, for ungrateful sinners! Well might the apostle cry out, “O the length and breadth, the depth and height of this stupendous love!” This day was the sad anniversary on which I parted from the tenderest, best of parents, and took a long, if not a last farewel of my native land; whether I shall ever see that, or my dearest parents more, the Lord knoweth.
“But O may we all meet on that peaceful shore, Where pain, and death, and parting are no more!”
Sunday, May 3. For this fortnight my soul has been in general in a lifeless, inactive frame; and I have found little blessing in any means, except private prayer; in this I have been frequently quickened and refreshed.
Sunday 24. Blessed be God, I found my soul refreshed in private prayer this day, but I had hard work in the evening to keep my mind stayed on God, and attentive to the sermon.
Tuesday 26. My soul was very cold and dead all day, but at the class meeting, I found my desires greatly quickened; especially during the last prayer. This lasted all the evening; O may it still continue. Lord, let not my foolish heart rob me of the blessing.
Sunday, June 7. I went to the sacrament this morning at the _Cathedral_, but found no particular blessing, tho’ my heart was afterwards refreshed, while waiting upon God in private duties.
Sunday 14. My soul was much blest in private prayer this morning, but the rest of the day I was so weighed down with drowsiness that I could scarce read or pray with any satisfaction: however, my mind was in a serious frame most of the day.
Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at _Werburgh_’s church, and found my heart affected with a lively sense of God’s love to my soul in sending his Son to die for me. O that this his love might stir me up to love him again, for altho’ he is in himself altogether lovely, yet nothing but a deep heart-felt conviction that Jesus loved me, and gave himself for me, can induce us to love him again. But ah! I cannot, cannot love.
“This is my shame, my grief, my hell, I do not love the bleeding Lamb; The Lamb that loved my soul so well, This is my grief, my hell, my shame.”
Sunday 28. In private prayer this morning my soul was greatly blest, and I found sweet enlargement in praying for the blessing, both for myself, and for my dearest parents; likewise I found liberty to pray for all my relations and friends, for the church, and for all the world. Blessed be the Lord for this undeserved mercy. In the evening I was stirred up by Mr. _G――――s_ discourse from _Hebrews ii. 3_. _How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?_ Lord, how shall I escape? Only by flying to the wounds of Jesus; that is the only city of refuge. O may I escape thither, as _Lot_ did to _Zoar_, e’er the storm of divine vengeance be poured on this guilty head.
*Monday, July 6. My mind was much distressed this day by that fear which love alone casts out, (the fear of death.) What particularly brought me to reflect upon it at this time, was a dream which Mrs. _L――――r_ had had concerning me; at first I prayed earnestly that the Lord would spare my life, being excessively frightened at the thought of dying: but afterwards I began to consider, what if my request should be granted in wrath, ♦as when the _Israelites_ prayed for meat? What would become of me then? Perhaps the Lord sees, if I live I shall dishonour him; be a scandal to my profession; a reproach to the people among whom I am; and a grief to my parents. Now if the Lord should take me from the evil to come, should prevent me from doing, as well as suffering evil, by taking me to himself, what cause of complaint should I have? Surely none, nay it would be matter of rejoicing to all eternity: besides should none of these things happen, but were I sure of gliding thro’ this world easily and pleasantly; would it not ♠be better to reach the destined haven, without putting to sea at all; or at least with a very short, and as yet a pleasant passage! Did any ever think it was too soon to go to heaven? Surely no. No such complaints were ever made by one soul that got thither at all. But alas! I am unwilling to part with life, because I know not where I shall go. O!
“Who can tell me if this strife, In heaven or hell shall end?”
♦ “as” replaced with “as when” per Errata
♠ “better” replaced with “be better” per Errata
Lord shall my soul be carried by angels into _Abraham_’s bosom, or hurried by fiends into endless torments! Lord ’tis true, I am a great sinner; but Jesus is an Almighty Saviour. I entirely renounce all dependence upon myself.
“This all my hope, and all my plea, For me the Saviour died.”
Yes, my dearest Jesus thou did’st die for me: then I may be saved. Lord _I believe; help thou mine unbelief_. In the evening Mr. _H――――n_ gave an account of the life and death of Mr. _P――――l G――――d_, an eminent and useful preacher; and then gave out these lines, in which I joined with my whole heart:
“O may we thus our parting breath, Into the Saviour’s hand resign: O Jesus, let me die his death, And let his latter end be mine.”
We came home twenty minutes before ten, and I fell asleep with the same serious impressions on my spirit, which also lasted most part of the next day, and for several days after.
Sunday, August 2. In the evening Mr. _F――――l_ took his leave of us from these words in _Luke iv. 42_. _And he said I must go and preach the kingdom of God to other cities also: for therefore am I sent._ The next evening Mr. _J――――n_ took his, from _Romans viii. 17_. _And if children, then heirs, heirs of God, and joint heirs with Christ._ He was exceeding lively. I found concern in parting with them. O may I profit more by the next!
*Thursday 6. Hearing this day of a very melancholy affair, concerning a person whom I knew only by sight: I was exceedingly stirred up to thankfulness, for being so situated, that it was almost impossible the like should befal me: I am surrounded with tender and careful friends, who continually watch over me in love: I am blest with parents, who by words when present with them, and by letters now absent,
“Warn me to shun the world’s delusive snares; Teach by their lives, and guard me by their prayers.”
And he has inclined my heart to listen to the instructions and advice, I daily receive from one or another. I went to our private meeting on Friday, and found my soul blest, and heartily joined in Mr. _B――――_’s prayer for the poor unhappy creature to suffer the ensuing day. Also I was greatly stirred up to pray for her, when in private at night.
Saturday 15. About one o’clock my aunt _B――――r_ and little cousins, arrived in _Chester_; I was extreamly glad to see them. O when will my dear parents come? Lord, thy time is best, only let me be resigned to thy will.
“Since none can doubt thy equal love, Unmeasurably kind, To thy unerring, gracious will Be every wish resign’d.”
Sunday 16. The ensuing week I was much indisposed, and did not go out till the next Saturday sev’night: during this time, my soul was kept in a calm reliance upon God, tho’ at times I found deadness; which I partly imputed to my disorder (a severe cold.)
Saturday, September 13. Mr. _P――――n_ going to _Ireland_, gave a very profitable discourse upon _John xvi. 31_. _Do ye now believe?_ Indeed this was a very comfortable day to my poor soul; which blessed be the Lord, was much refreshed in all the means of grace, both at sacrament, private prayer, and the preaching. This evening Mr. _T――――r_ arrived in _Chester_. O may his coming amongst us be productive of much good to this people, and to my poor soul!
Friday 18. This was a fast-day kept to intreat the Lord to revive his work in this land. Mr. _T――――r_ and my uncle prayed alternately, and with much power. O that it may be such a fast as the Lord approves of, and an acceptable day to him. On Saturday evening, Mr. _T――――r_ preached from _John xii. 22_. _Sir, we would see Jesus._ Lord I would see him too. O may it be now.
Monday 21. Mr. _H――――n_, who had accompanied Lady _M――――_ to town, with her and her brother, dined with us. She is the most affable lady I have ever seen, and dresses almost as plain ♦as we do.
♦ duplicate word “as” removed
Sunday, October 4. In the evening my soul was quickened while Mr. _T――――r_ was preaching on the parable of the dry bones.
*Tuesday, November 17. On this day were united, my uncle _F――――_, and my truly dear and respected friend Mrs. _M―――― L――――_. With unspeakable pleasure I embraced her, as a most dear loved relative. With the same satisfaction she was received by those of my aunts, who reside in this place, as their sister; and I doubt not will be by those who are now absent, when they hear the surprising tidings. My heart’s desire and prayer to God for them is, that they may be long blest with each other; that this union may be a means of uniting them more closely to the blessed bridegroom of the church; and that finally, they and we may be received into the family of heaven, with a _Well-done good and faithful servants, enter ye into the joy of your Lord_.
Thursday 19. The committing a known sin, threw me into exquisite distress, so that I hardly dared to go to prayer, and Satan making the best of his opportunity sorely wounded me; yea, had slain me, had not the sinner’s friend stept in to rescue me, and given me hope. This hope was confirmed in meeting my class on Tuesday. Blessed be his name for this! But still this can’t suffice, unless he give me his dear self which my soul truly longeth for.
Sunday 29. I spent the day profitable, and comfortably, thanks be to God. Mr. _T――――r_ preached in the evening on _Isaiah lv. 1_. _Ho, every one that thirsteth, &c._ O how sweet an invitation to the thirsty soul! Lord, give me grace to accept it. Thursday evening my uncle preached on _Mark vii. 24_. _But he could not be hid._ After sermon he informed us of Mr. _P――――n_’s being taken to rest on Sunday, November 22, who about two months ago was standing in that pulpit, inviting sinners to come to Christ in the most earnest manner: he then dined with us, and after dinner sung a hymn very suitable, (as it has proved) for himself, who was so soon to enter into the joy of his Lord. It was a funeral hymn, and begun with these lines,
“Away with our sorrow and fear, We soon shall recover our home, The city of saints shall appear, The day of eternity come.
“From earth we shall quickly remove, And mount to our native abode, The house of our Father above: The palace of angels and God.”
*My mind was much taken up all the evening, and the following day, with the thought of death; which occasioned many serious reflections. I think if the Lord would make me meet for glory, I could (young as I am,) quit the world, and not leave a wish behind: but the Lord’s will be done!
Thursday, December 10. My uncle gave an exceeding comfortable and profitable discourse from _Isaiah xl. 1_. _Comfort ye, Comfort ye my people, saith your God._ My soul was much refreshed, herein God fulfilled that promise, _Before they call, I will answer_, for I went without the least expectation of a blessing, and scarcely dared to pray for one, knowing my great unworthiness. However the Lord met me, and gave fresh hopes and desires, for which may I bless his name, while I have breath.
*Sunday 13. In the evening Mr. _C――――k_ preached a sermon on these awful words, _Revelation vi. 17_. _For the great day of his wrath is come, and who shall be able to stand?_ Who indeed but those who have washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb, who have made the judge their friend! These and these only shall stand with boldness in that day. Lord, shall I be one of that number?
Friday 25. I found a blessing at the Lord’s table, where I solemnly dedicated myself to him, who gave himself for me. O may it be unreservedly and irrevocably! Lord, here is my heart; O take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.
Sunday 27. Our house being in such confusion, as it has been for some days past, by reason of the sickness which has been in it, my mind has not been in that composed sweet frame as I could wish: but one blessing I have experienced, which is, I have been enabled to exercise patience, so as not to murmur and fret, tho’ every thing has gone cross with me. Nay thro’ the mercy of God, I have rejoiced in it: and been thankful for having an opportunity of chearfully bearing the cross; for all which I desire to praise my God.
Monday, December 23. In the evening Mr. _T――――r_ made a useful discourse on _Lamentations iii. 22_. _It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not._ He shewed the many ways whereby we might have been consumed; and the many mercies we have received from God. When I first went into the chapel, my mind was exceedingly disturbed by many evil tempers. But in singing this verse,
“From anger set our spirits free, It worketh not thy righteousness: In patience let us wait on thee, And quietly our souls possess:”
The thought cross’d my mind: shall I thus mock God; pray to him to compose my mind, while I am yielding to these tempers? I resolved to strive against them: thro’ his strength I overcame them, and found a blessing tho’ entirely unexpected.
*Friday 29. I was confined to my bed, being much indisposed. O what a short transition from time to eternity! I thought much of dying, but felt no fear: not because I was now ready, but I firmly believed the Lord would cut short his work in righteousness if he called me.
[This illness, after a day or two, much increased, and appeared to be a putrid fever: but her mind continued stayed upon God. About a fortnight, after she was taken, she expressed a full confidence in him, being wholly delivered from the fear of death. A few days after, her speech and hearing were taken away, by the violence of her distemper. But it was easy to discern, that her understanding remained, tho’ she could converse with none but God. Her eyes and hands almost continually lifted up, shewed her heart was still with him. In her greatest agonies of pain, there was not the least mark of impatience: till on _January_ the 21st, 1768, about four o’clock in the afternoon, she quietly resigned her spirit to God.]
An Extract from the JOURNAL of ELIZABETH HARPER.
To the READER.
1. TO set the doctrine of Christian perfection too high, is the ready way to drive it out of the world. Let a man only describe it, as implying a freedom from mistakes and human infirmities; and whoever knows there is no such freedom in this life, naturally concludes, “There is no perfection.” Hence we should always carefully guard against this, by insisting, it is no more and no less, than giving God all our heart: loving him with all our heart, and our neighbour as ourselves.