Part 6

*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend Miss _H――――_ who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather happy little _Ned H――――_. He died of a scarlet-fever a week ago. O that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.

Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy blessed name, through Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.

Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a recollected, serious, praying spirit.

Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollected frame than the foregoing day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.

Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In the evening Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Lamentations iii. 22_. _It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not._ Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the rebellious sons of _Adam_, have been at this day?

*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs, and for seasons, for days, and for years.

Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.

Thursday 9. I went to chapel. Mr. _R――――s_ preached on _Psalms xxxiv. 14_. _Seek peace and ensue it._ The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon weary at the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.

Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.

Saturday 11. At night Mr. _M――――s_ made an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!

Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached on _Isaiah xix._ _If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land._ He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, which was to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.

Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, while Mr. _M――――e_ was discoursing on these words, _Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity_, _2 Timothy ii. 19_. I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.

Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.

Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say my soul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.

Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.

*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day: if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search well if there be any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at night, while my uncle was preaching on these words. _Only believe._ _Mark v. 36._

Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’ mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions, thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in prayer.

Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me. Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief, my burden. Lord give me power over it.

Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and taste an earnest of eternal bliss; _Amen_, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me in earnest, make me alive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then let me serve thee.

Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.

Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew their strength.

Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant, utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been, to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now I am come to years of reason, should it not be my one endeavour, my constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf? Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do. _Jesus_ Lord lend me thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit, a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time, and thine to eternity.

Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold, however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are delivered from it!

Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mind very wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?

Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.

Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!

Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.

Wednesday, April 2. The Rev. Mr. _Wesley_ gave us his company to tea, and afterwards preached on _Romans viii. 33, 34_. I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again on _John v. 8, 9_. Jesus _saith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk_. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!

Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on these words, _John xvii. 3_. _This is eternal life_, &c.

Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, I _came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance_. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!

“No need of thee the righteous have, Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”

I found the word very sweet in the evening while Mr. _Wesley_ was inforcing the words, _Matthew ix. 5_. _Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?_

Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing, while Mr. _Wesley_ was preaching on _Isaiah xxxv. 8_. _And a highway shall be there, and a way_, &c. And also afterwards while he was adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to come to the Lord, while Mr. _Wesley_ was inviting us to _come and drink of the water of life freely_, but still I had not power to accept the invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.

Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also in private prayer.

Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years; when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lost ground, while I was in _London_ and _Kendal_. How wisely does God order all things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life devoted to his service!

Friday 18. Mr. _M――――_ kept a watch-night and preached on these alarming words. _At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him._ _Matthew xxv. 6_. I found my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with the _foolish virgins_, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.

Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _R――――_ preached on those comfortable words of our Lord’s _Him that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out_. _John vi. 37_. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord, especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with Jesus.

Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word, _They that wait upon_ him _shall renew their strength_.

Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward am I so to do!

Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading the _book of martyrs_. O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot take up the least cross without murmuring.

Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.

“Help me to believe, obey; Help me to repent and love; Help me to take the blessing given, Help me quite from hell to heaven.”

Sunday 27. Mr. _M――――s_ preached on _Matthew xi. 20, 30_. _Take my yoke upon you_, &c. O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul. I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for ever.

“Take my body, spirit, soul, Only thou possess the whole.”

Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul; and indeed Mr. _M――――_ gave a very profitable discourse on _Ephesians vi. 10_. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.

Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart, for such thou wilt not despise.

Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading the lv. chapter of _Isaiah_.

Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a watchful spirit to keep it.

Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)

Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness could ever separate me from him.

Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desire to spend the day to his glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I found great sweetness.

Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that the Lord would have mercy even upon me.

Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should loudly sound in our ears, _Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye think not, the Son of man cometh_.