Part 11

*Thursday, May 1. I have kept my bed most of the day, being in much pain. O how unfit are we at such a time, for so great a work as working out our salvation! Let none postpone their repentance to a sick-bed: it is work enough then, to struggle with sickness and pain. But how pleasant is a sick-bed, when perfumed with the love of God, and when we have a precious Christ in our bosom? Come life, come death, with my dear Jesus, and life or death is sweet.

Tuesday 6. Lord, I beg this one thing at thy hand, the salvation of my dear mother! She is now under thy afflicting hand. Be pleased to sanctify her affliction: and let it be to the saving of her soul, for thy dear Son’s sake.

Wednesday 14. Glory be to God, he has given me to-day a sight of myself and of my numberless infirmities. But he has not been extreme to mark what was done amiss: blessed be his name for Jesus Christ! O that I may have more of the mind that was in him, more of a meek, quiet, teachable spirit. May I now begin! May I now set out with double diligence! May I run, and not be weary; walk, and not faint!

Friday 16. I had reasoning about going to church, whether it was _necessary_ to go so often? But when I brought it to the word of God, I saw, after we have done all, we are unprofitable servants. Lord let me resist him stedfast in the faith.

Thursday 22. Yesterday I was troubled concerning one of our brethren; but resolved to tell no one what I heard, unless himself or his wife. This afternoon they came to my house, and I told them all I had heard. They told me just how the thing was, and I found it was a meer mistake. So Satan was disappointed of his aim, and our love to each other confirmed.

Sunday 25. Hearing of the distress of some of my neighbours, my heart overflowed with thankfulness, to think God had provided me and mine with temporal blessings also. His care was over me in my youth likewise, not leaving me to my own choice. But I praise him above all, for his pardoning love, and for full redemption through the blood of Jesus.

Thursday 29. Glory be to God, I found an unspeakable blessing at the morning preaching, and again in private prayer; but above all, at the meeting of the select society. And, I think, so did every one present. I was at first unwilling to speak; but I knew, not to speak would be grieving the Spirit of God. So I broke through, as did several others: and we were all so filled with consolation, that we could only say,

“Enlarge our heart, to make thee room.”

Thursday, June 5. Glory be to God, that he hath given me a thankful heart, for his love toward me even in my early days! How did his kind hand preserve me, when I did not know him? How did it carry me through the heedless steps of youth, keep me from the malice and intrigues of all my enemies, and at last bring me to his dear self, and to the knowledge of his love! And though the storms now rise high, yet blessed be his name, all is calm within. Lord, be pleased to have pity upon Satan’s instruments, and save their dear souls. I find nothing rises in my heart against them: but I am constrained to mourn for them: especially for those who have known God, and do not live to his glory.

Tuesday 10. I find it a heavy burden to be in the company even of those that are called civil people. But as I am called to take up this cross, may the Lord enable me to bear it. Lord, let me rely wholly on thee. I feel thou art all in all! Thou art my strength, as well as my righteousness. Without thee I can do nothing.

Tuesday 17. I did not enjoy so large a measure of love as I have sometimes done. What is the reason I know not: the Lord pardon me for it, and give me to see that all my doings are as filthy rags in the sight of a pure God: and that I want the precious blood of my Redeemer to interpose for me every moment. I feel the same want of him that ever I did: I believe I am written on the palms of his hands. But still I want more of the life and power of religion: I am hungry and thirsty after this.

Wednesday 18. I was tempted this morning to resentment: but, glory be to God, it could not enter. Lord, search me and prove me, empty me of myself and fill me all with God. For ever wash, and keep me clean, and let Christ be all in all.

Wednesday 25. I found indifference about going to church. I begged of the Lord to direct me, and immediately the reasonings disappeared. In the afternoon I poured out my soul before him, and prayed till I could scarce speak. I long for a closer communion with God, and for more wisdom and understanding in his ways.

Tuesday, July 8. Glory be to God, I am still the monument of his free mercy. Amidst a world of business and hurry, I still enjoy peace, and commune with God, as a man with his friend. I have not so much joy as in time past; but my faith is strong, and I enjoy a calm peace. And when temptation comes as a flood, his spirit lifts up a standard against it. Meeting in band at night, I was quite stript, and felt my nothingness. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, because his compassions fail not.

*Tuesday 22. Glory be to God, I am still assured that the Lord has given me a clean heart, and renewed a right spirit within me; and I can have no doubt of it, though I am not so overflowed with joy in the means of grace as I have been. But I have a calmness and power which I never had in so great degree, in the midst of the closest trials. Only I am grieved for sinners, and pray that the Lord would pluck them as brands out of the burning.

Friday 25. This evening I have been at the interment of an acquaintance. What nothings we are, and how soon turned to our mother earth? Should not this thought cause us to live in love and peace with all men? And to live as expecting the messenger of death every moment?

Saturday, August 2. I have been for several days much disordered in body. In my illness I had hardly power to pray, or to do any thing. O may I prize health more, and make full use of it, when the Lord sends it. Glory be to God, I had no fear of death, and no anxious care for my children. I only wanted more power to praise God. And will he not give that and all things? _O cleanse me from my secret faults!_ And let no sin ever more prevail over me!

*Wednesday 6. Blessed be thy name, I do not find any thing within to close with temptations. Yesterday anger presented as quick as thought; but it found no entrance. Yet shame covered me, for fear any that were present might discern the appearance of it. And I begged the Lord to shew me, if there was any evil root left? As far as I know myself, I do not find there is: I do firmly believe, he hath purified me from all sin. But I am big with the desire of living nearer God: O how dear was he to me this night? Thou art altogether lovely: thou art fairer than the sons of men.

Thursday 14. Glory be to God, there has been a cry in my dear mother’s soul all this day. Lord, increase it! Thou hast set her sins in array before her. May she never rest till she rests in thee!

Friday 22. I went three or four miles this evening to the preaching: My mind was solemnly stayed on God; but I was not very lively: my husband being talking most of the way about worldly affairs. O Lord, direct him in all his ways, and let nothing hurt his precious soul.

Saturday 30. I have been much disordered in body all this day; but, glory be to God, have enjoyed calmness of spirit. Yet I have been grieved to see some of my family, so busy about the world, and so little concerned for their poor souls, but trifling away their precious moments. Lord, let me redeem the time! Let me never rest in any thing I have attained: but still press on, till I know all that love of God that passeth knowledge!

Thursday September 4. Blessed be God for the comfort I had in hearing dear Mr. _W._ at _Penryn_. I was tempted to impatience, both in the morning, when my husband stayed long before he set out: and at noon, when I was disappointed of being in Mr. _W._’s company. But I looked up, and felt nothing but calmness and quietness of spirit.

Tuesday 9. I waked between four and five, with praises in my mouth. Glory be to God, I find an inlarged heart, to run the ways of the Lord with great delight. His love is sweeter than honey to my taste, and my will is swallowed up in his.

Sunday 14. A cold almost disabled me from speaking, which gave me to see the great blessing of speech. Lord, help me to use it more to thy glory! This afternoon, blessed be God, we had the happiness of having dear Mr. _W._’s company. Lord imprint his exhortations deep on my heart! And may all the words he delivered be watered with the dew of thy heavenly grace!

Tuesday 16. Glory be to God, he has kept me in the hour of strong temptation. The enemy bears me a tyrannous hatred, and stirs up my bosom friends against me. Lord, thou knowest they lay to my charge things I know not. But thou art to me a place of broad rivers. And _these light afflictions will work out for_ me _an eternal weight of glory_.

Wednesday, October 1. Blessed be God, he keeps me in trials from those who are nearest and dearest to me. What a powerful energy has love? It keeps my soul in perfect peace, while all around me is storm and tempest.

Saturday 25. I have the greatest reason to bless God of any creature: for he gives me great hope, that my dear husband will not proceed on his intended voyage. He seems at length to see the strength of the objections against it. I wept over him last night, and reasoned with him in much love, till one o’clock in the morning. And, glory be to God, whatever it was to _him_, it was a blessed means of grace to _me_.

Monday, November 3. At night I was much frighted between sleeping and waking, I believe, by the enemy. I was afraid I had offended my Lord, by not going to church yesterday in the afternoon. I besought the Lord to pardon me for the omission; and he soon spoke the answer to my heart.

Wednesday 5. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day, and for giving me more patience and more watchfulness. Indeed I was tempted to anger against my husband, and afterwards to lightness. But help was at hand. O that I may be more thankful! Lord, may thy pure love always fill my soul: and do thou water me every moment!

Monday 24. I was calm and serene all this day, and had power to restrain my words. But in the evening I was much tempted, when one told me, Mr. _Mason_ designed to make me leader of a band. I found it hard to leave my sisters, and harder still to undertake so important a charge. When he gave me the paper the next day, I was closely exercised. And when I came to the band, it was a great mountain, and I was full of shame and confusion. But when I began to speak, I found a little freedom, and, blessed be God, he helped my infirmity. Afterwards I found the same power to pray, as if we had been together some time. Lord, bless us together, and let me be always little, and base, and vile in my own eyes!

Friday 28. Glory be to God, this has been a blessed day. My soul has been full of love to the people of God, my band in particular. And the Lord gives me more light into myself, more freedom from wanderings and evil reasonings, and more power to check my own spirit. But O! the mighty void I saw in myself! I never saw it so before. This constrained me to wrestle with the Lord. And he did not send me empty away.

Monday, December 1. Glory be to God, the Sun of Righteousness shone on my soul all the day long. Whenever Satan was nigh, I looked to him, and was instantly saved. He gave me a clear sight of the work of my soul, and a brighter evidence than ever, accompanied with the pure streams of his love pouring down into my heart.

Friday 5. Glory be to God, I found a tender conscience, and power to set the Lord always before me. And I can now enjoy my God in my business, as well as in my duty. My heart is constantly stayed upon him, and I long for more of that living principle within. O that thou wouldst fill me with heaven, with love, with God!

*Saturday 6. I find my soul is, as a well of water, springing up into everlasting life. But I thirst for more. Blessed be God, he does keep my soul in perfect peace, and in the midst of fire and water, give me patience, with an hope full of immortality. But I feel a great soreness of spirit, for those of my family. Lord, give them to know themselves, and direct them in all things! Take the cause into thine hands, and enable me, to stand still, and see the salvation of God.

Tuesday 12. Glory be to God, I enjoy peace and power, in the midst of multitudes and hurry of business. My eye is still single toward the mark of my high calling, and my one desire, to live more to God.

Friday 19. It was a cross to me to rise in the morning, but I was well rewarded for taking it up. I was very lively all day; but in the afternoon was suddenly tempted to lightness; so were all of us who afterwards met in band; but the temptation soon fled away. My soul is alive to God, and only longs to fathom more of the depths of humble love.

Monday 22. My soul’s desire this day has been, to sink down into the depth of humility. I see my helplessness, and feel the want of my Redeemer’s merits every moment. But how often does my own will present itself! Yet it prevails nothing. I want to be always as clay in the hands of the potter, and to be all moulded into love! As far as I know, I do love the Lord with all my heart. But I want to have all vain reasonings destroyed.

Saturday, January 3, 1767. I was greatly blessed to-night, in a weeping state, and mourned before the Lord for the sins of others. Yet at some times, quickness presented itself, but only as a flying cloud. I found a great reverence to-night, while I said, Our Father. May this awful sense of his Majesty rest upon me, wheresoever I go!

Thursday 8. I was tempted to think lightly of my husband, as if he was always asking, but not watching. I was much disordered in body, which weighed down my mind when I waited on the Lord in private. But, on reading the second chapter of _Zechariah_, my soul revived greatly: and I had a lively sense of his sparing mercy; but still more, in talking with a dear friend. I could then see, what a sinner I had been in times past, in wishing for my own will; and could bless the Lord, that not my will, but his, had taken place. O, may a due sense of the love and mercies of God be ever engraven on my heart!

Tuesday 13. Glory be to God for shewing me, I had done amiss, in reproving my husband before company, and for giving me to be humbled on the account, and to acknowledge my fault. And blessed be God for the Christian conversation we have had together this evening, wherein we have seen, what advantage Satan had gained over us in time past. We had power to speak to one another with all freedom, of the state of our souls; and I trust this will be the beginning of happy days between us.

Sunday 18. Blessed be God, I have to-day found much life and light in my soul at church. And I had a solemn time, in accompanying the relicks of sister _Harris_ to the grave. We fulfilled our promise, in singing her body to church, as we did her soul to glory. I was afterwards tempted both to lightness and to impatience; but I bless God, I remain in peace and love. My desire is, to know myself as I am known of God, and to live no longer than I live to him.

*Friday 23. Glory be to God, though the enemy rages, I enjoy a calm peace in my soul. But this evening I found little power to pray. I believe it was owing to disorder of body. Yesterday I kept my bed all day. I am still much indisposed. But I was much delighted with the amiableness of Christ. And I saw the great need we have of him, and shall have, when we stand naked before God. I saw the worth of Christ exceedingly, and loathed myself and all my own performances: yet being persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor things present, nor things to come, should ever separate me from his love.

Tuesday, February 3. I have been confined to my bed by a fever, from Saturday till to-day. I found not much joy, but patience and peace, and sweet tranquility of mind: especially when sister _Pearce_ prayed with me. I found a longing desire to see some of my other sisters. But, when one of them came, I could not speak to her at first, I was so overcome with joy. The Lord blessed us in the afternoon also, when Mr. _Storey_ prayed with us. Glory be to his holy name, for christian conversation; and for all the other helps we enjoy, to make our calling and election sure.

Monday 23. All yesterday and to-day, I have been much disordered by the cholic. At six this evening I bowed before God in prayer, and gave myself up to him. I then resolved to try, whether I could not go to the preaching. I went, and was better after it than before. While I was in strong pain, the enemy thrust sore at me: But I did not give place to him for a moment. Blessed be God for a tender conscience! I find, if ever I speak a word unawares; if it is not right, I see it immediately, and am grieved that I was not more on my guard. Lord, help me to watch and pray every moment, that all my words may be to edification!

Monday, March 2. Blessed be God, for the love I have felt yesterday and to-day, under the preaching of Mr. _Haim_. O may it sink deep in my heart, and spring up into eternal life! I find Satan is continually tempting; but he has no success. I want to be more of a child-like spirit; to live more in Christ, and always near to God.

Thursday 5. My husband and maid both being sick, my body has been much exercised this week. But, glory be to God, I have enjoyed constant peace, and many blessed refreshings. Nor have I found one anxious thought concernings their living or dying.

Sunday 15. God was pleased this week to afflict my body with sickness. I mostly kept my bed. Sometimes I had doubts. Is it not, because I do not speak more to my poor mother? Or because I have taken too much upon me, in being leader of a band? But these doubts did not trouble me so much as the close reflections I had from my husband. Twice I wept concerning it; but then I thought, _the sorrow of the world worketh death_. I looked to the Lord, and he delivered me. And I said to him, Shall I one day see thy face, without a veil between? And shall I stand at thy right hand, in the great day of accounts? And how clear an assurance of it did he give me! I find earnest desires to drink deeper of his Spirit, that I may be always the same, all of a-piece at all times and in all places, and may have a solemn awe resting upon me, in business and company, especially among professors of religion.

Thursday 25. I was much grieved this evening at the stubbornness of my child. Lord, bless the correction, and give her thy grace, whatever thou with-holdest from her! And help me to discharge my duty toward my children, in this and in all things.

Thursday, April 2. I saw more than ever the necessity of simply following my blessed Lord: And the great need of grace rather than gifts; although gifts also are great blessings. Lord, on whomsoever they are bestowed, may they beg thy aid, to use them singly to thy glory. I find an encreasing zeal for God and his people. I long to live more to God, and to have less to do with the world; and am sometimes tempted against my husband, for incumbring himself so much with it. Yet I am thankful to God for these outward blessings: But my whole aim is, to be more devoted to God.

Wednesday 8. I want to have every thought brought into obedience to Christ: And to feel continually the awful sense of the presence of the great God! I have had a thankful and a melting heart, to think what blessed helps my children have in their tender years; and indeed, in looking back on my own life, and on the blessed showers of grace, which God has poured upon me, from time to time, in christian conversation. Lord, give me a thankful heart, and fulfil in me all the good pleasure of thy will!