Part 7

Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfort in the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future.

Thursday 22. This morning I went to my aunt _B――――s_, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching on _John i. 11, 12_. _He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God._ O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God.

Sunday 25. In the evening Mr. _M――――_ made a sweet Discourse on _Acts xvi. 30_. _Sirs, what must I do to be saved?_ Indeed I thought I had power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.

Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within me. O for power to resist and overcome!

Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which I have been so much beset, blessed be God.

Sunday, _June 1_. This morning my soul was in a measure blest while Mr. _R――――s_ was shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, from _Hosea xiii. 9_. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust with some importunity.

Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest while Mrs. _L――――_ was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold of the blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it. My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the Lord to me.)

Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words, _Then shall we know if we follow on to know the_ Lord. Amen! Let it be according to thy word, Lord Jesus.

Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may never doubt more.

Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these words, _Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish_. _Luke xiii. 5._

Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.

Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being none, we had a sermon on _Galatians vi. 9_. It was a very pretty discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.

Monday 9. This afternoon we set out for _Eaton_ to see Lord _Grosvenor_’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God: but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments, and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion, by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts, and to avoid my ♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.

♦ “beseting” replaced with “besetting”

Monday 16. I was much cast down, by receiving a letter from my dear mamma, containing a melancholy account of the situation of my dear papa’s health: but in the midst of my anxiety, I found a great confidence in God: so that most of my uneasiness was upon his account. Lord, strengthen, comfort, and bless him for Jesus’s sake. The two following days my mind was much hurried by the confusion the house has been in; nevertheless I have been constant in private duty, and have generally found it good to draw nigh to God. O what a God have we to deal with, and yet I cannot find a heart to love him. Lord, soften this obdurate heart, and give me an heart to love thee; for this thou knowest is all my desire.

Tuesday 24. All this week I have been in a very disagreeable frame, being neither in earnest for my soul, nor quite forgetful of it. I have been constant in private duties, tho’ I am often fearful that I am only drawing nigh to God with my lips; but on Saturday, my soul was much blest under Mr. _R――――_’s preaching: his text was in _Romans viii. 17, 18_. _And if children then heirs_, &c. My desires were exceedingly earnest to be made a partaker of those glorious privileges of the sons of God. O Lord, when shall I be one of thy children?

Sunday 29. In the morning Mr. _R――――_’s text was in _Romans viii. 32_. _He that spared not his own son_, &c. O these encouraging, these heart reviving words! Why, O my soul art thou so backward to believe the promises of God? Surely he is not a man, that can deceive thee. O then believe the record true. Then, and not till then, shalt thou experience real happiness.

Monday, July 7. All this week my soul has been cold and dead, and I (to my shame and grief) have been too negligent in private duties. How truly may it be said the way of sin is down hill? I was hindered from prayer one day at my usual hour, and almost every day afterwards, something happened just at that time to keep me from that duty. I observe that if I neglect it one day, I am sure to do the same for several days running. Lord, help me to be watchful, seeing my subtle adversary is ever watching to betray me into sin, either of omission or commission.

Sunday 13. I found a small degree of life in private prayer, which was the only duty I was quickened in this day. Lord help me out of this stupid state! On Thursday evening my uncle preached on _Matthew xiii. 46_. _Who when he had found one pearl of great price_, &c. O that the Lord would enable me instantly to part with all, and purchase this pearl! All this week my soul has been in the same lukewarm state, and yet generally quickened in private prayer, especially one evening I had such a discovery of the love of God to sinners, that I was almost enabled to believe he died for me.

Sunday 20. This morning Mr. _M――――_ gave us a sweet discourse on _2 Peter i. 4_. _Whereby are given unto us exceeding great promises_, &c. I found my soul blest under it, and afterwards at the sacrament in St. _John_’s church, blessed be God.

Monday 21. I was too neglectful of private duty this day, and therefore ’tis no wonder if my soul was dry and barren in other duties. While we were at preaching in the evening, my dear friend Miss _D――――_ arrived from _Ireland_. I was much rejoiced to see her, and she seemed to be so at seeing me. May we all at last meet round our Father’s throne!

Friday 25. In the afternoon we walked to _Crislington_; and went to see the rector’s garden, who is for ever altering it. After being at great expence to have it done to his mind, still it does not please him. O how restless is the mind of man! Ever seeking after rest, he cannot find it nigh, nor ever will, till he finds it in Jesus.

Friday, August 1. The state of my soul this week has been much as usual. O that the Lord would stir me up! That he would make me in earnest, and then I should soon attain the prize. I shall one day perish by the hand of sin, unless a miracle of mercy interpose. Lord, save or I perish! Save, or I must inevitably fall a prey to the evil that lies in this rebellious heart.

Sunday 3. I found myself much encouraged while Mr. _G――――k_ was describing the rest that remained to those who were seekers after God, that I might include myself in that number; but I sometimes fear, even this appellation does not belong to me. Lord, suffer me not to deceive myself for thy mercy’s sake.

Tuesday 5. My poor heart still continued dead; no life, no power in drawing near to God. Still my soul is as a barren wilderness. Lord, water me with the dew of thy grace, then the wilderness will become a fruitful land, and the desert, springs of water.

Sunday 17. In retirement, both before and after preaching, I found my soul greatly led out to pray for faith, for myself, and my dear parents, and a measure of confidence, that God would hear my prayer: but alas for me, in the afternoon levity again prevailed, and I lost both the confidence, and power to pray for it.

Sunday 17. Mr. _M――――r_ preached on _Acts xxiv. 16_. _Herein I exercise myself, to have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man._ On his mentioning his going away, I could not forbear bursting into tears; I am sure all the people (would they speak the truth impartially) must acknowledge he has exercised himself to have a conscience void of offence.

*Wednesday 20. In the evening Mr. _M――――r_ gave us a sweet discourse, on _Colossians iii. 11_. _But Christ is all, and in all._ My concern at parting with him, stole away all the benefit I might have reaped from the sermon. Alas! that I should be so foolish as to look more to the servant than to his Lord, and think because he is going away, I shall never more be blest under preaching; as if God could not bless me, as well by one as another. Lord, I beseech thee, to forgive this sin.

Thursday 21. This morning I arose to hear Mr. _M――――s_ last discourse, which was very affecting, and drew tears from many eyes. I found much cause for lamentation, that I had not profited more by him, and a determined resolution to set out afresh in the strength of divine grace, that I may not have the same complaint to make, when we part with the next. Lord, strengthen this resolution.

Sunday 24. I was some part of this day employed in reading Mr. _Morgan’s crucified Jesus_. O that I could copy after my afflicted, self-denying Master! He never sought to please himself; but alas for me, how seldom is it I seek to please any other! Lord, forgive me: let me learn to deny myself, take up my cross and follow thee.

Thursday 28. In the evening Mr. _J――――_ who is the assistant preached his first sermon on _1 Corinthians iii. 22_. _All are yours._ I think him a good preacher; but I cannot yet give up Mr. _M――――_ for any other.

Friday 29. Mr. _G――――d_ preached on _1 Corinthians i. 23_. _We preach Christ crucified._ It was a good sermon, but I thought so much of Mr. _M――――_, that I was quite tired because it was not him. Lord forgive me my too great attachment to the creature, and fix my heart more upon the Creator.

Sunday 31. This morning Mr. _G――――d_ preached from _Hosea vi. 1_. _Come let us return to the Lord, &c._ He spoke exactly to the state I seemed to be in, and I was determined to set this day apart, to examine myself, and to seek the Lord in good earnest. But as soon as I came home, Satan prepared something to draw my mind off, and render me unfit for any duty, whether reading, praying, or any thing else. Lord, make me more careful for the time to come, that I may not so easily let slip the things which I have received.

Tuesday, September 2. My soul was in a measure blest in meeting class, and I found a resolution to set out afresh. Lord, let it not prove abortive as all others have done, but do thou bring it to good effect for thy mercy’s sake.

Wednesday 3. I think this day I found more solidity, and not so much levity of spirit as I did the day before. I also found my soul in a measure quickened both in private prayer, and in meeting band, for which undeserved mercies, Lord make me truly thankful, and let me shew my gratitude by endeavouring to retain, and improve them, that so I may have more.

Friday 12. In the evening at preaching, I found my soul in a small degree quickened. Lord, continue even this spark, and blow it into a flame!

Monday 15. I met our class to renew the tickets; but I missed Mr. _M――――r_’s lively manner of examining and exhorting each one, according to their various states.

Sunday 21. I went to the sacrament at St. _John_’s church, but all the time I was there, I was so beset with a particular temptation, that I had hard work to keep from yielding to it. In the evening Mr. _J――――n_ preached and met the society; but I sadly missed Mr. _M――――_’s close and sweet applications and exhortations, which under God were exceeding profitable to me. This week my poor unstable mind has been much tossed with vain and wandring thoughts. O when shall my heart and treasure be laid up in heaven! Then, and not till then, will my mind also be fixed, stedfastly fixed in that thrice happy place. I have also been dry and dead in every means, which indeed is no wonder, when foolish thoughts are given way to; they necessarily damp the work of God in the soul. Lord, make me more watchful.

Sunday 28. I spent the day comfortably, and found a degree of sweetness in prayer. O for a thankful heart!

Thursday, October 10. This day being the quarterly meeting, we had a number of strange preachers in town; and in the evening one Mr. _S――――t_ preached. He is not a very connected preacher, but one of the most lively and powerful, that I ever heard. I was more stirred up and quickened under this sermon, than I have been for months before. There seemed to be an awful solemnity, resting upon the whole congregation.

Monday 26. In the evening it rained much; but I ventured out, and was well paid for so doing, by Mr. _M――――_’s discourse upon _1 Corinthians vi. 11_. _But ye are justified in the name of the_ Lord Jesus.

Sunday, November 2. I went to the sacrament at _Trinity_ church, but found no particular blessing in that ordinance, or indeed any other; my mind being much exercised, as it had been great part of the last week, in which nothing seemed sweet or profitable to me, but private prayer.

Sunday 9. All this week my mind has been much diverted from God, by a circumstance which befel me, not very pleasing to flesh and blood. Lord, give me wisdom, grace, and prudence to guide me through the trials I am liable to meet with here: and O at last receive my poor soul to the peaceful haven of everlasting rest; where all the storms of this tumultuous life are over, and all is quietness and assurance for ever!

*Monday 17. Mr. _J――――n_ dined with us this day; I think he is one of the most agreeable men I know. On Thursday evening my uncle preached upon _Matthew xx. 32_. _What will ye that I shall do unto you?_ My soul was more blest under this discourse, than under any since Mr. _S――――t_ preached. In the application, he desired each to ask their own soul, what is my most prevailing desire? Riches, honour, or pleasure? But my heart rejected all these, and replied,

“None but Christ to me be given, None by Christ in earth or heaven.”

Sunday 23. I found my soul much quickened in private duty to-day. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how loath am I to do it!

Sunday 30. In reading the scripture, and one of the volumes of the Library, I found a degree of enlargement, and also in private prayer, tho’ I had felt a great backwardness to it.

Tuesday, December 2. After I was in bed, my mind was much employed in meditating on death, and the vanity of all earthly things, occasioned by hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was extreamly ill, whom I had seen in perfect health the last _Friday_. O may I spend every moment of life in preparing for a never ending eternity!

Sunday 7. In none of the duties of the day, did I find any life; my soul was as a barren wilderness unwatered with the dew of heaven. Lord, how long! When shall I taste and see that the Lord is gracious, by his giving even to me the knowledge of salvation by the remission of my sins? Monday evening Mr. _J――――n_ preached on _Matthew ix. 12_. _The whole have no need of a physician, but they that be sick._ Lord, I am sick, sick of sin, and truly sick of self. Lord, heal me; be thou my physician, and I shall need no other.

Sunday 14. Mr. _J――――n_ preached this morning upon _Isaiah lv. 1_. _Ho, every one that thirsteth_, &c. Lord, I do in some measure thirst. O give me to drink of this living water! *I was so affected when I came home at hearing that poor Miss _L――――y_ was not likely to recover, that I could not read or pray as I desired; but I found many serious, and I trust profitable reflections. O may this providence be productive of good to my soul, and to the souls of all her friends and relations, to whom it will certainly be an affecting stroke, if it does please God to require her soul at this time. On Monday evening at four o’clock, it pleased God to take to himself the soul of my dear Miss _L――――y_. Although I found the affection I had for her in her life-time, as strong as ever, I could not shed a tear, when I first heard of her departure: I had such a sight of her in glory, that, instead of wishing her back, I almost rejoiced at her happy change, and longed for the hour to come, wherein I also shall be released and carried by the angels into _Abraham_’s bosom, where I shall be eternally happy in the enjoyment of his love, who lived and died for me, a poor miserable sinner. But afterwards I found nature recoil, and had the cruelty to think, that could a wish restore her to her aged parents, particularly her poor distracted mother, I should be tempted to do it. But O blessed be God, nothing, nothing can recall us, when once we are landed on the happy shore. Lord, grant that whenever death calls me hence, I may be prepared to meet it. Let the king of terrors be changed into the prince of peace; let the sting of death be drawn, and O give me a victory over the now terrible and victorious grave.

*Thursday 18. This day I with my aunt, Mrs. _L――――_, and Miss _H――――_, were invited to the funeral of Miss _L――――y_: the two former declined going, but Miss _H――――_ and I accepted the invitation; and with four other young women, were her bearers. O what an impression did this solemn scene make on my now thoughtful mind, to see her, whom not three weeks ago, I had seen in all the bloom and vigour of youth, now cut down, and her sweet agreeable tabernacle consigned to the silent grave! Lord, thought I, how soon may this be my case; how soon may I also be cut down in the morning of my life, and my parents also be lamenting my untimely end! And am I ready? Can I say with an assured confidence, _O death, where is thy sting; O grave, where is thy victory?_ Alas, alas! it is not so with me! The approach of this formidable foe makes me tremble! O suffer me not to rest in this state, but enable even me to look with triumph on the mouldering tomb!

Sunday 21. I did not go out in the morning, but spent the day very comfortably, finding great sweetness in prayer, and much seriousness and solidity upon my mind all the day. The two following days also my mind was much busied about the things of eternity, and my own latter end.