CHAPTER XVII

The ancient _Goths_ of _Germany_, who (the learned _Cluverius_ is positive) were first seated in the country between the _Vistula_ and the _Oder_, and who afterwards incorporated the _Herculi_, the _Bugians_, and some other _Vandallick_ clans to ’em--had all of them a wise custom of debating everything of importance to their state, twice; that is, --once drunk, and once sober: ----Drunk, --that their councils might not want vigour; ----and sober--that they might not want discretion.

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker, --was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose; ----and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination, ----he fixed and set apart the first _Sunday_ night in the month, and the _Saturday_ night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

These my father, humorously enough, called his _beds of justice_; ----for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.

It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the _Goths_ and _Vandals_ did it----or, if he can, may it be always for his body’s health; and to do it, as my father did it, --am I sure it would be always for his soul’s.

My way is this:----

In all nice and ticklish discussions--(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book), --where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back ----I write one-half _full_, --and t’other _fasting_; ----or write it all full, --and correct it fasting: ----or write it fasting, --and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing: ----So that with a less variation from my father’s plan, than my father’s from the _Gothick_ ----I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice, --and no way inferior to him in his second. ----These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature, --of which, --be her’s the honour. ----All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.----

Now, when I write full, --I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live; ----that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world. ----I count not the number of my scars, --nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs. ----In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fulness of my heart, as my stomach.----

But when, an’ please your honours, I indite fasting, ’tis a different history. ----I pay the world all possible attention and respect, --and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you. ----So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured _Shandean_ book, which will do all your hearts good------

----And all your heads too, --provided you understand it.

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