Part 11

The Law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, my Lords, embody the Law. The constitutional guardian I Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, All very agreeable girls—and none Are over the age of twenty-one. A pleasant occupation for A rather susceptible Chancellor!

ALL. A pleasant, etc.

But though the compliment implied Inflates me with legitimate pride, It nevertheless can't be denied That it has its inconvenient side. For I'm not so old, and not so plain, And I'm quite prepared to marry again, But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords If I fell in love with one of my Wards! Which rather tries my temper, for I'm such a susceptible Chancellor!

ALL. Which rather, etc.

And every one who'd marry a Ward Must come to me for my accord, And in my court I sit all day, Giving agreeable girls away, With one for him—and one for he— And one for you—and one for ye— And one for thou—and one for thee— But never, oh, never a one for me! Which is exasperating for A highly susceptible Chancellor!

ALL. Which is, etc.

(Enter Lord Tolloller.)

LORD TOLL. And now, my Lords, to the business of the day. LORD CH. By all means. Phyllis, who is a Ward of Court, has so powerfully affected your Lordships, that you have appealed to me in a body to give her to whichever one of you she may think proper to select, and a noble Lord has just gone to her cottage to request her immediate attendance. It would be idle to deny that I, myself, have the misfortune to be singularly attracted by this young person. My regard for her is rapidly undermining my constitution. Three months ago I was a stout man. I need say no more. If I could reconcile it with my duty, I should unhesitatingly award her to myself, for I can conscientiously say that I know no man who is so well fitted to render her exceptionally happy. (Peers: Hear, hear!) But such an award would be open to misconstruction, and therefore, at whatever personal inconvenience, I waive my claim. LORD TOLL. My Lord, I desire, on the part of this House, to express its sincere sympathy with your Lordship's most painful position. LORD CH. I thank your Lordships. The feelings of a Lord Chancellor who is in love with a Ward of Court are not to be envied. What is his position? Can he give his own consent to his own marriage with his own Ward? Can he marry his own Ward without his own consent? And if he marries his own Ward without his own consent, can he commit himself for contempt of his own Court? And if he commit himself for contempt of his own Court, can he appear by counsel before himself, to move for arrest of his own judgement? Ah, my Lords, it is indeed painful to have to sit upon a woolsack which is stuffed with such thorns as these!

(Enter Lord Mountararat.)

LORD MOUNT. My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that I have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at the Bar of this House.

(Enter Phyllis.)

RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.

My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear, You summoned me, and I am here!

CHORUS OF PEERS.

Oh, rapture, how beautiful! How gentle—how dutiful!

SOLO—LORD TOLLOLLER.

Of all the young ladies I know This pretty young lady's the fairest; Her lips have the rosiest show, Her eyes are the richest and rarest. Her origin's lowly, it's true, But of birth and position I've plenty; I've grammar and spelling for two, And blood and behaviour for twenty! Her origin's lowly, it's true, I've grammar and spelling for two;

CHORUS. Of birth and position he's plenty, With blood and behaviour for twenty!

SOLO—LORD MOUNTARARAT.

Though the views of the House have diverged On every conceivable motion, All questions of Party are merged In a frenzy of love and devotion; If you ask us distinctly to say What Party we claim to belong to, We reply, without doubt or delay, The Party I'm singing this song to!

SOLO—PHYLLIS.

I'm very much pained to refuse, But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors; I can spell all the words that I use, And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'. As for birth—I was born like the rest, My behaviour is rustic but hearty, And I know where to turn for the best, When I want a particular Party!

PHYLLIS, LORD TOLL., and LORD MOUNT.

Though her station is none of the best, I suppose she was born like the rest; And she knows where to look for her hearty, When she wants a particular Party!

RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.

Nay, tempt me not. To rank I'll not be bound; In lowly cot Alone is virtue found!

CHORUS. No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you, The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.

BALLAD—LORD TOLLOLLER.

Spurn not the nobly born With love affected, Nor treat with virtuous scorn The well-connected. High rank involves no shame— We boast an equal claim With him of humble name To be respected! Blue blood! blue blood! When virtuous love is sought Thy power is naught, Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!

CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc.

Spare us the bitter pain Of stern denials, Nor with low-born disdain Augment our trials. Hearts just as pure and fair May beat in Belgrave Square As in the lowly air Of Seven Dials! Blue blood! blue blood! Of what avail art thou To serve us now? Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!

CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc.

RECITATIVE—PHYLLIS.

My Lords, it may not be. With grief my heart is riven! You waste your time on me, For ah! my heart is given!

ALL. Given! PHYL. Yes, given! ALL. Oh, horror!!!

RECITATIVE—LORD CHANCELLOR.

And who has dared to brave our high displeasure, And thus defy our definite command?

(Enter Strephon.)

STREPH. 'Tis I—young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure! Against the world I claim my darling's hand!

(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)

A shepherd I— ALL. A shepherd he! STREPH. Of Arcady- ALL. Of Arcadee! STREPH. Betrothed are we! ALL. Betrothed are they— STREPH. And mean to be- ALL. Espoused to-day!

ENSEMBLE.

STREPH. THE OTHERS.

A shepherd I A shepherd he Of Arcady, Of Arcadee, Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he, And mean to be And means to be Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day!

DUET—LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER (aside to each other).

'Neath this blow, Worse than stab of dagger— Though we mo- Mentarily stagger, In each heart Proud are we innately— Let's depart, Dignified and stately!

ALL. Let's depart, Dignified and stately!

CHORUS OF PEERS.

Though our hearts she's badly bruising, In another suitor choosing, Let's pretend it's most amusing. Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!

(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity. Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off. She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.)

LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery? STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees—the breeze—the seas—the rooks—the brooks—the gales—the vales—the fountains and the mountains cry, "You love this maiden—take her, we command you!" 'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"? Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor of birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds? LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested herself in the matter. STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you that she bade me take my love. LORD CH. Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she told you—it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm, or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the attention they deserve. STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion? LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to my present distinguished position.

SONG—LORD CHANCELLOR.

When I went to the Bar as a very young man, (Said I to myself—said I), I'll work on a new and original plan, (Said I to myself—said I), I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney has sent me a brief, (Said I to myself—said I!).

Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself—said I), And I'll never take work I'm unable to do (Said I to myself-said I), My learned profession I'll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven't been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself—said I!).

I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes (Said I to myself—said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself—said I), Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself—said I!).

In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage (Said I to myself—said I), Professional licence, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar— And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself—said I!).

(Exit Lord Chancellor.)

(Enter Iolanthe)

STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much—it's too much! IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears—and on his wedding day! STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has separated us for ever! IOL. The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know! STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what? IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you. Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him—down to the waist. STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my legs are working out seven years' penal servitude? IOL. True. But take heart—our Queen has promised you her special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case before her. STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe you?

FINALE—QUARTET.

(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen and on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)

STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day, And all is dull and grey, To chase the gloom away, On thee I'll call!

PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that?

LORD MOUNT. (aside to Phyllis). I think I heard him say, That on a rainy day, To while the time away, On her he'd call!

CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc.

(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)

IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark, And all is drear and dark, If thou shouldst need an Ark, I'll give thee one!

PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that?

LORD TOLL. (aside to Phyllis). I heard the minx remark, She'd meet him after dark, Inside St James's Park, And give him one!

CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc.

PHYL. The prospect's very bad. My heart so sore and sad Will never more be glad As summer's sun.

PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STREPH. The prospect's not so bad, My/Thy heart so sore and sad May very soon be glad As summer's sun;

PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT. For when the sky is dark And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark, he should If thou shouldst need an Ark, I should She'll him I'll give thee one! me

PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!

(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)

PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble! Nay, do not endeavour Thy fault to dissemble, We part—and for ever! I worshipped him blindly, He worships another—

STREPH. Attend to me kindly, This lady's my mother!

TOLL. This lady's his what? STREPH. This lady's my mother! TENORS. This lady's his what? BASSES. He says she's his mother!

(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She goes for protection to Strephon.)

(Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.)

LORD CH. What means this mirth unseemly, That shakes the listening earth?

LORD TOLL. The joke is good extremely, And justifies our mirth.

LORD MOUNT. This gentleman is seen, With a maid of seventeen, A-taking of his dolce far niente; And wonders he'd achieve, For he asks us to believe She's his mother—and he's nearly five-and-twenty!

LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray, And be careful what you say— As the ancient Romans said, festina lente. For I really do not see How so young a girl could be The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.

ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth— She is—has been—my mother from my birth!

BALLAD.

In babyhood Upon her lap I lay, With infant food She moistened my clay; Had she withheld The succour she supplied, By hunger quelled, Your Strephon might have died!

LORD CH. (much moved). Had that refreshment been denied, Indeed our Strephon might have died!

ALL (much affected). Had that refreshment been denied, Indeed our Strephon might have died!

LORD MOUNT. But as she's not His mother, it appears, Why weep these hot Unnecessary tears? And by what laws Should we so joyously Rejoice, because Our Strephon did not die? Oh rather let us pipe our eye Because our Strephon did not die!

ALL. That's very true—let's pipe our eye Because our Strephon did not die!

(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.)

PHYL. Go, traitorous one—for ever we must part: To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!

ALL. Oh, rapture!

STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.

PHYL. Not a word—you did deceive me.

ALL. Not a word—you did deceive her. (Exit Strephon.)

BALLAD—PHYLLIS.

For riches and rank I do not long— Their pleasures are false and vain; I gave up the love of a lordly throng For the love of a simple swain. But now that simple swain's untrue, With sorrowful heart I turn to you— A heart that's aching, Quaking, breaking, As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!

The riches and rank that you befall Are the only baits you use, So the richest and rankiest of you all My sorrowful heart shall choose. As none are so noble—none so rich As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche In my heart that's aching, Quaking, breaking, For one of you two-and I don't care which!

ENSEMBLE.

PHYL. (to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller). To you I give my heart so rich! ALL (puzzled). To which? PHYL. I do not care! To you I yield—it is my doom! ALL. To whom? PHYL. I'm not aware! I'm yours for life if you but choose. ALL. She's whose? PHYL. That's your affair! I'll be a countess, shall I not? ALL. Of what? PHYL. I do not care! ALL. Lucky little lady! Strephon's lot is shady; Rank, it seems, is vital, "Countess" is the title, But of what I'm not aware!

(Enter Strephon.)

STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade? No, no!

PEERS. Ho, ho!

STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!

(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and followed by Queen.)

CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither. OF Nobody knows why or whither; FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know, But you've summoned us, and so Enter all the little fairies To their usual tripping measure! To oblige you all our care is— Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!

STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another— PEERS. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue! STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother— PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be parted, Because on a career of double-dealing I have started, Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me broken-hearted— PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other! FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue! QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother! FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any other. (Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one another, And she's but seventeen—I don't believe it was his mother! Taradiddle, taradiddle. ALL. Tol lol lay!

LORD TOLL. I have often had a use For a thorough-bred excuse Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"), But of all I ever heard This is much the most absurd, For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!

ALL. Though she is seventeen, and he is four or five-and-twenty! Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!

LORD MOUNT. Now, listen, pray to me, For this paradox will be Carried, nobody at all contradicente. Her age, upon the date Of his birth, was minus eight, If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!

PEERS and FAIRIES. If she is seventeen, and he is only five-and-twenty.

ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly! Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue! Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy! Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay! I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as injurious, But to find a mother younger than her son is very curious, And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!

LORD CH. Go away, madam; I should say, madam, You display, madam, Shocking taste.

It is rude, madam, To intrude, madam, With your brood, madam, Brazen-faced!

You come here, madam, Interfere, madam, With a peer, madam. (I am one.)

You're aware, madam, What you dare, madam, So take care, madam, And begone!

ENSEMBLE

FAIRIES (to QUEEN). PEERS Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam; I should say, madam, I should say, madam, They display, madam, You display, madam, Shocking taste. Shocking taste.

It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam, To allude, madam, To intrude, madam, To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam, Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!

We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam, Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam, Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam, This is one. (I am one.)

They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam, When aware, madam, What you dare, madam, What they dare, madam— So take care, madam, What they've done! And begone!

QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals! (furious). I will launch from fairy portals All the most terrific thunders In my armoury of wonders!

PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders, All would then repent their blunders. Surely these must be immortals. (Exit Phyllis.)

QUEEN. Oh! Chancellor unwary It's highly necessary Your tongue to teach Respectful speech— Your attitude to vary!

Your badinage so airy, Your manner arbitrary, Are out of place When face to face With an influential Fairy.

ALL THE PEERS We never knew (aside). We were talking to An influential Fairy!

LORD CH. A plague on this vagary, I'm in a nice quandary! Of hasty tone With dames unknown I ought to be more chary; It seems that she's a fairy From Andersen's library, And I took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary!

PEERS. We took her for The proprietor Of a Ladies' Seminary!

QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble, You may tremble!

CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us, Is tremendous!

LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling, Doom appalling!

QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it, And he shall wreak it! (Indicating Strephon.) PEERS. Oh, spare us!

QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay— Flocks and herds that bleat and low; Into Parliament you shall go!

ALL. Into Parliament he shall go! Backed by our supreme authority, He'll command a large majority! Into Parliament he shall go!

QUEEN. In the Parliamentary hive, Liberal or Conservative— Whig or Tory—I don't know— But into Parliament you shall go!

ALL. Into Parliament, etc.

QUEEN (speaking through music).

Every bill and every measure That may gratify his pleasure, Though your fury it arouses, Shall be passed by both your Houses!

PEERS. Oh! QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason, Through the grouse and salmon season; PEERS. No! QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rights You enjoy on Friday nights: PEERS. No! QUEEN. He shall prick that annual blister, Marriage with deceased wife's sister: PEERS. Mercy! QUEEN. Titles shall ennoble, then, All the Common Councilmen: PEERS. Spare us! QUEEN. Peers shall teem in Christendom, And a Duke's exalted station Be attainable by Com- Petitive Examination!

PEERS. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS.

Oh, horror! Their horror They can't dissemble Nor hide the fear that makes them tremble!

ENSEMBLE.

PEERS FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.

Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no doubt, We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out, We cannot say And who shall say What evils may What evils may Result in consequence. Result in consequence?

But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to Oppose our views, Opppose his views, Or boldly choose Or boldly choose To offer us offence. To offer him offence.

He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief and shame; Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must claim, If he'd escape If they'd escape In any shape In any shape A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.

Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you now pooh-pooh, A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you, If you besiege Should he besiege Our high prestige— Your high prestige— (The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).

PEERS. Our lordly style You shall not quench With base canaille! FAIRIES. (That word is French.) PEERS. Distinction ebbs Before a herd Of vulgar plebs! FAIRIES. (A Latin word.) PEERS. 'Twould fill with joy, And madness stark The hoi polloi!

FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.)

PEERS. One Latin word, one Greek remark, And one that's French.

FAIRIES. Your lordly style We'll quickly quench With base canaille! PEERS. (That word is French.) FAIRIES. Distinction ebbs Before a herd Of vulgar plebs! PEERS. (A Latin word.) FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joy And madness stark The hoi polloi! PEERS. (A Greek remark.)

FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark, And one that's French.

PEERS. FAIRIES.

You needn't wait: We will not wait: Away you fly! We go sky-high! Your threatened hate Our threatened hate We won't defy! You won't defy!