Part 20

Princess: Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes— Who thirst for such instruction as we give, Attend, while I unfold a parable. The elephant is mightier than Man, Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her forehead), And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),— Conquers the foolish giant of the woods, As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man. In Mathematics, Woman leads the way; The narrow-minded pedant still believes That two and two make four! Why, we can prove, We women — household drudges as we are— That two and two make five — or three — or seven; Or five and twenty, if the case demands! Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat Is absolutely helpless in our hands. He wheedles monarchs — Woman wheedles him! Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits It's a waste of time to argue with a woman! Then we excel in social qualities: Though man professes that he holds our sex In utter scorn, I venture to believe He'd rather pass the day with one of you, Than with five hundred of his fellow-men! In all things we excel. Believing this, A hundred maidens here have sworn to place Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed, We'll treat him better than he treated us: But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too! Let no one care a penny how she looks— Let red be worn with yellow — blue with green— Crimson with scarlet — violet with blue! Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves At inconvenient moments come undone! Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook Disdain the fascination of the eye— The bashful button modestly evade The soft embraces of the button-hole! Let old associations all dissolve, Let Swan secede from Edgar — Gask from Gask, Sewell from Cross — Lewis from Allenby! In other words, let Chaos come again! (Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?

Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy. There I propose considering, at length, Three points — The Is, the Might Be, and the Must. Whether the Is, from being actual fact, Is more important than the vague Might Be, Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope, Is for that reason greater than the Is: And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand Compared with the inevitable Must!

Princess: The subject's deep — how do you treat it, pray?

Blan.: Madam, I take three possibilities, And strike a balance then between the three: As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head, the Lady Psyche Might Be, — Lady Blanche, Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must. Given these three hypotheses — to find The actual betting against each of them!

Princess: Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well, You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me.

[Exeunt Princess and maidens. Manet Lady Blanche.

EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS "And thus to Empyrean Height"

Chorus: And thus to empyrean height Of ev'ry kind of lore, In search of wisdom's pure delight, Ambitiously we soar. In trying to achieve success No envy racks our heart, For all we know and all we guess We mutually impart! And all the knowledge we possess, We mutually impart, We mutually impart, impart.

Blan.: I should command here — I was born to rule, But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know. I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time. I once was Some One — and the Was Will Be. The Present as we speak becomes the Past, The Past repeats itself, and so is Future! This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.

(Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted) SONG (Lady Blanche) "Come, mighty Must!"

Blanche: Come mighty Must! Inevitable Shall! In thee I trust. Time weaves my coronal! Go, mocking Is! Go, disappointing Was! That I am this Ye are the cursed cause! Ye are the cursed cause! Yet humble second shall be first, I wean And dead and buried be the curst Has Been!

Oh, weak Might Be! Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should! How pow'rless ye For evil or for good! In ev'ry sense Your moods I cheerless call. Whate'er your tense Ye are imperfect all. Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown In ye! Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown In ye! I've shown in ye! Away! The Mighty Must alone Shall be! [Exit Lady Blanche

[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep- ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back of the stage.]

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "Gently, gently"

All: Gently, gently, Evidently We are safe so far, After scaling Fence and paling, Here, at last, we are!

Florian: In this college, Useful knowledge Ev'rywhere one finds, And already, Growing steady, We've enlarged our minds

Cyril: We learnt that prickly cactus Has power to attract us When we fall.

All: When we fall!

Hilarion: That nothing man unsettles Like a bed of stinging nettles, Short or tall.

All: Short or tall!

Florian: That bull-dogs feed on throttles— That we don't like broken bottles On a wall.

All: On a wall!

Hilarion: That spring-guns breathe defiance! And that burglary's a science After all!

All: After all!

Florian: A Woman's college! maddest folly going! What can girls learn within its walls worth knowing? I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it) I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour outside it.

Hilarion: Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder, List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!

They intend to send a wire To the moon

Cyril & Florian: To the moon;

Hilarion: And they'll set the Thames on fire Very soon

Cyril & Florian: Very soon;

Hilarion: Then they'll learn to make silk purses With their rigs

Cyril & Florian: With their rigs.

Hilarion: From the ears of Lady Circe's Piggy-wigs

Cyril & Florian: Piggy-wigs.

Hilarion: And weasels at their slumbers They trepan

Cyril & Florian: They trepan;

Hilarion: To get sunbeams from cucumbers They've a plan

Cyril & Florian: They've a plan.

Hilarion: They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion, If they can

All: If they can. These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Cyril: As for fashion, they forswear it, So they say

Hilarion & Florian: So they say;

Cyril: And the circle — they will square it Some fine day

Hilarion & Florian: Some fine day;

Cyril: Then the little pigs they're teaching For to fly

Hilarion & Florian: For to fly;

Cyril: And the niggers they'll be bleaching, By and by

Hilarion & Florian: By and by!

Cyril: Each newly joined aspirant To the clan

Hilarion & Florian: To the clan

Cyril: Must repudiate the tyrant Known as Man

Hilarion & Florian: Known as Man.

Cyril: They'll mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him And they're "going to do without him" If they can

All: If they can!

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Hilarion: So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well, They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires Such walls as those to keep intruders off!

Cyril: To keep men off is only half their charge, And that the easier half. I much suspect The object of these walls is not so much To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Florian: But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes)

Hilarion: (looking at them) Why, Academic robes, Worn by the lady undergraduates When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do so.) Why, see — we're covered to the very toes. Three lovely lady undergraduates Who, weary of the world and all its wooing — (pose)

Florian: And penitent for deeds there's no undoing — (pose)

Cyril: Looked at askance by well-conducted maids — (pose)

All: Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "I am a maiden"

Hilarion: I am a maiden, cold and stately, Heartless I, with face divine. What do I want with a heart, innately? Every heart I meet is mine! Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Cyril: I am a maiden, frank and simple, Brimming with joyous roguery; Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple Nobody breaks more hearts than I! Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than I

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Florian: I am a maiden coyly blushing, Timid am I as a startled hind; Every suitor sets me flushing, Every suitor sets me flushing: I am the maid that wins mankind!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

[Enter the Princess, reading. She does not see them.)

Florian: But who comes here? The Princess, as I live! What shall we do?

Hilarion: (Aside) Why, we must brave it out! (Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence.

(They bow, then suddenly recollecting themselves, curtsey.)

Princess: (Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you with us?

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students, ma'am, Three well-born maids of liberal estate, Who wish to join this University.

(Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows extravagantly, then, being recalled to himself by Florian, curtseys.)

Princess: If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks, And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.

Florian: To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.

Princess: You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find No sham degrees for noblewomen here. You'll find no sizars here, or servitors, Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts To mark nobility, except such tufts As indicate nobility of brain. As for your fellow-students, mark me well: There are a hundred maids within these walls, All good, all learned, and all beautiful: They are prepared to love you: will you swear To give the fullness of your love to them?

Hilarion: Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!

Princess: But we go further: Will you undertake That you will never marry any man?

Florian: Indeed we never will!

Princess: Consider well, You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hilarion: To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyril: We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how fair —

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Take care — that's rather strong!

Princess: But have you left no lovers at your home Who may pursue you here?

Hilarion: No, madam, none. We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, And we have never fished for lover's love. We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, False hair and meretricious ornament, To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, But do not imitate them. What we have Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, Unladylike, but not unwomanly, Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt To reckon Nature an impertinence.

Princess: Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls; If all you say is true, you'll pass with us A happy, happy time!

Cyril: If, as you say, A hundred lovely maidens wait within, To welcome us with smiles and open arms, I think there's very little doubt we shall!

QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "The World is But a Broken Toy"

Princess: The world is but a broken toy, Its pleasure hollow — false its joy, Unreal its loveliest hue, Alas! Its pains alone are true, Alas! Its pains alone are true.

Hilarion: The world is ev'rything you say, The world we think has had its day. Its merriment is slow. Alas! We've tried it, and we know, Alas! We've tried it and we know.

All: Unreal its loveliest hue, Its pains alone are true,

Princess: Alas!

All: The world is but a broken toy, Its pleasure hollow — false its joy, Unreal its loveliest hue, Alas! Its pains alone are true, Alas! Its pains alone are true!

Florian: Unreal its loveliest hue,

3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue,

Princess: Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un- Un- las! real its loveliest hue real—- Alas! Alas! ——- —— its loveliest hue

All: Alas! Alas! Its pains alone are true.

(Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen watch her off. Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with amazement)

Hilarion: I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen! For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now, And maids against our will we must remain. [All laugh heartily.]

Psyche: (Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

(The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion, resume their modest demeanour.)

Florian: (Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion! This is my sister! She'll remember me, Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Hilarion: (Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity, And trust our secret to her gentle care.

Florian: (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement) Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian!

Psyche: (Amazed) Why, Florian!

Florian: My sister! (Embraces her)

Psyche: Oh, my dear! What are you doing here — and who are these?

Hilarion: I am that Prince Hilarion to whom Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim Her plighted love. Your brother Florian And Cyril came to see me safely through.

Psyche: The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange! My earliest playfellows!

Hilarion: Why, let me look! Are you that learned little Psyche who At school alarmed her mates because she called A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?

Cyril: Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild, Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hilarion: Are you that learned little Psyche, who At dinner parties, brought in to dessert, Would tackle visitors with "You don't know Who first determined longitude — I do — Hipparchus 'twas — B. C. one sixty-three!" Are you indeed that small phenomenon?

Psyche: That small phenomenon indeed am I! But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here: We have all promised to renounce mankind!

Florian: Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base This senseless resolution?

Psyche: Senseless? No. We are all taught, and, being taught, believe That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.

Cyril: That's rather strong.

Psyche: The truth is always strong!

SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"

Psyche: A Lady fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by. The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one, The Ape was a most unsightly one— So it would not do— His scheme fell through, For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Express'd such terror At his monstrous error, That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail, He grew mustachios, and he took his tub, And he paid a guinea to a toilet club, He paid a guinea to a toilet club— But it would not do, The scheme fell through— For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, With golden tresses, Like a real princess's, While the Ape, despite his razor keen, Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots— And to start in life on a brand-new plan, He christen'd himself Darwinian Man! But it would not do, The scheme fell through— For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd, Was a radiant Being, With brain far-seeing— While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, At best is only a monkey shav'd!

3 Men: For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,

All: Was a radiant being, With a brain far-seeing— While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd, At best is only a monkey shav'd!

(During this, Melissa has entered unobserved; she looks on in amazement.)

Melissa: (Coming down) Oh, Lady Psyche!

Psyche: (Terrified) What! You heard us then? Oh, all is lost!

Melissa: Not so! I'll breathe no word! (Advancing in astonishment to Florian) How marvelously strange! and are you then Indeed young men?

Florian: Well, yes, just now we are— But hope by dint of study to become, In course of time, young women.

Melissa: (Eagerly) No, no, no — Oh, don't do that! Is this indeed a man? I've often heard of them, but, till to-day, Never set eyes on one. They told me men Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed! They are quite as beautiful as women are! As beautiful, they're infinitely more so! Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which One gets so weary of in womankind: Their features are more marked — and — oh, their chins! (Feeling Florian's chin) How curious!

Florian: I fear it's rather rough.

Melissa: (Eagerly) Oh, don't apologize — I like it so!

QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian) "The Woman of the Wisest Wit"

Psyche: The woman of the wisest win May sometimes be mistaken, O! In Ida's views, I must admit, My faith is somewhat shaken O!

Cyril: On every other point than this Her learning is untainted, O! But Man's a theme with which she is Entirely unacquainted, O! —acquainted, O! —acquainted, O! Entirely unacquainted, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, The truth is found — the truth is found! Set bells a-ringing through the air— Ring here and there and ev'rywhere—

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found! And echo forth the joyous sound, The truth is found — the truth is found!

(Dance)

Melissa: My natural instinct teaches me (And instinct is important, O!) You're ev'rything you ought to be, And nothing that you oughtn't, O!

Hilarion: That fact was seen at once by you In casual conversation, O! Which is most creditable to Your powers of observation, O! -servation, O! -servation, O! Your powers of observation, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound, The truth is found, the truth is found! Set bells a-ringing through the air, Ring here and there and ev'rywhere.

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found — the truth is found! And echo forth the joyous sound, The truth is found — the truth is found!

(Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian,

Melissa going.)

(Enter Lady Blanche.

Blanche: Melissa!

Melissa: (Returning) Mother!

Blanche: Here — a word with you. Those are the three new students?

Melissa: (Confused) Yes, they are. They're charming girls.

Blanche: Particularly so. So graceful, and so very womanly! So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments!

Melissa: (Confused) Yes — very skilled.

Blanche: They sing so nicely too!

Melissa: They do sing nicely!

Blanche: Humph! It's very odd. Two are tenors, one is a baritone!

Melissa: (Much agitated) They've all got colds!

Blanche: Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind? These "girls" are men disguised!

Melissa: Oh no — indeed! You wrong these gentlemen — I mean — why, see, Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an etui). Containing scissors, needles, and —

Blanche: (Opening it) Cigars! Why, these are men! And you knew this, you minx!

Melissa: Oh, spare them — they are gentlemen indeed. The Prince Hilarion (married years ago To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends! Consider, mother, he's her husband now, And has been, twenty years! Consider, too, You're only second here — you should be first. Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains The Princess Ida, why, you will be first. You will design the fashions — think of that— And always serve out all the punishments! The scheme is harmless, mother — wink at it!

Blanche: (Aside) The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well, I'll try — Though I've not winked at anything for years! 'Tis but one step towards my destiny— The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!

DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche) "Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast"

Melissa: Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast And guide this University?

Blanche: I must agree, 'Twould pleasant be, (Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)

Melissa: And wouldn't you like to clear the coast, Of malice and perversity?

Blanche: Without a doubt, I'll bundle 'em out, (Sing hey, when I preside!)

Both: Sing hey! Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come! Sing Proper Pride Is the horse to ride, And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

Blanche: For years I've writhed beneath her sneers, Although a born Plantagenet!

Melissa: You're much too meek, Or you would speak (Sing hey, I'll say no more!)

Blanche: Her elder I, by several years, Although you'd ne'er imagine it.

Melissa: Sing, so I've heard But never a word Have I e'er believ'd before!

Both: Sing hey! Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some! Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come! Sing, she shall learn That a worm will turn. Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

(Exit Lady Blanche)

Melissa: Saved for a time, at least!

(Enter Florian, on tiptoe)

Florian: (Whispering) Melissa — come!

Melissa: Oh, sir! you must away from this at once— My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault— I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed, "Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, "Why these—" "Are men", she would have added, but "are men" Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir, For reasons of her own — but fly from this And take me with you — that is — no — not that!

Florian: I'll go, but not without you! (Bell) Why, what's that?

Melissa: The luncheon bell.

Florian: I'll wait for luncheon then!

(Enter Hilarion with Princess, Cyril with Psyche, Lady Blanche and ladies. Also "Daughters of the Plough" bearing luncheon.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril) "Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell"

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Here in meadow of asphodel, Feast we body and mind as well, Merrily ring the luncheon

1st Sops: 2nd Sops: bell! - - - —- bell! Oh merrily Ring - - - —- ring the luncheon oh, —- bell, Oh ring, - - - —- merrily, merrily, merrily, Oh, —- merrily

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon bell!

Blanche: Hunger, I beg to state, Is highly indelicate. This is a fact profoundly true, So learn your appetites to subdue.

All: Yes, yes, We'll learn our appetites to subdue!

Cyril: Madam, your words so wise, Nobody should despise, Curs'd with appetite keen I am And I'll subdue it— And I'll subdue it— I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

All: Yes — yes— We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Merrily ring the luncheon bell! Oh