Part 13
(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor.)
LORD CH. Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts, and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn't hear of it—it was out of the question. But I took heart. I pointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for some years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched my professional advancement with considerable interest, and I handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained. I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when I distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye! Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I reluctantly—most reluctantly—consented.
(Iolanthe comes down veiled.)
RECITATIVE—IOLANTHE (kneeling).
My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel, Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal! Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need— 'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!
BALLAD—IOLANTHE.
He loves! If in the bygone years Thine eyes have ever shed Tears—bitter, unavailing tears, For one untimely dead— If, in the eventide of life, Sad thoughts of her arise, Then let the memory of thy wife Plead for my boy—he dies!
He dies! If fondly laid aside In some old cabinet, Memorials of thy long-dead bride Lie, dearly treasured yet, Then let her hallowed bridal dress— Her little dainty gloves— Her withered flowers—her faded tress— Plead for my boy—he loves!
(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)
LORD CH. It may not be—for so the fates decide! Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride. IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no! LORD CH. It shall be so! Those who would separate us woe betide!
IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken— I plead in vain!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. A vow already broken I break again!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. For him—for her—for thee I yield my life. Behold—it may not be! I am thy wife.
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!
LORD CH. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?
IOL. Aye! I live! Now let me die!
(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)
QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken: Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willahalah! Willaloo! Willahalah! Willaloo!
QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny: Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.
(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.)
LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as she has sinned, so have we! QUEEN. What? CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses, viscountesses, and baronesses. LORD MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves. QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll) the law is clear—every fairy must die who marries a mortal! LORD CH. Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the emergency. The thing is really quite simple—the insertion of a single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your difficulty at once! QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. in pencil.) Private Willis! SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am! QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once. How should you like to be a fairy guardsman? SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British soldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in distress. QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this moment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, my Lords, how say you, will you join our ranks?
(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to do so.)
(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)
LORD MOUNT. (to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers are to be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really don't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller? LORD TOLL. None whatever. QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then away we go to Fairyland.
FINALE.
PHYL. Soon as we may, Off and away! We'll commence our journey airy— Happy are we— As you can see, Every one is now a fairy!
ALL. Every, every, every, Every one is now a fairy!
IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow, Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring If you've two beaux to every string.
ALL. Though as a general rule, etc.
LORDCH. Up in the sky, Ever so high, Pleasures come in endless series; We will arrange Happy exchange— House of Peers for House of Peris!
ALL. Peris, Peris, Peris, House of Peers for House of Peris!
LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high, MOUNT., Free from Wards in Chancery, and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for I'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.
ALL. Up in the air, etc.
CURTAIN
THE MIKADO OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU
By William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan DRAMATIS PERSONAE. THE MIKADO OF JAPAN. NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in love with Yum-Yum). KO-KO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu). POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else). PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord). Three Sisters—Wards of Ko-Ko: YUM-YUM PITTI-SING PEEP-BO KATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo). Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies.
## ACT I.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Official Residence.
## ACT II.— Ko-Ko's Garden
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885.
## ACT I.
SCENE.—Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by native drawings.
CHORUS OF NOBLES.
If you want to know who we are, We are gentlemen of Japan: On many a vase and jar— On many a screen and fan, We figure in lively paint: Our attitude's queer and quaint— You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings, Like a Japanese marionette, You don't understand these things: It is simply Court etiquette. Perhaps you suppose this throng Can't keep it up all day long? If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh!
Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitar on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
RECIT.—NANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me Where a gentle maiden dwelleth, Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko? In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A NOBLE. Why, who are you who ask this question? NANK. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG and CHORUS—NANKI-POO.
A wandering minstrel I— A thing of shreds and patches, Of ballads, songs and snatches, And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long, Through every passion ranging, And to your humours changing I tune my supple song!
Are you in sentimental mood? I'll sigh with you, Oh, sorrow, sorrow! On maiden's coldness do you brood? I'll do so, too— Oh, sorrow, sorrow! I'll charm your willing ears With songs of lovers' fears, While sympathetic tears My cheeks bedew— Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted, I've patriotic ballads cut and dried; For where'er our country's banner may be planted, All other local banners are defied! Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled, Never quail—or they conceal it if they do— And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled Before the mighty troops of Titipu!
CHORUS. We shouldn't be surprised, etc.
NANK. And if you call for a song of the sea, We'll heave the capstan round, With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free, Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee, Hurrah for the homeward bound!
CHORUS. Yeo-ho—heave ho— Hurrah for the homeward bound!
To lay aloft in a howling breeze May tickle a landsman's taste, But the happiest hour a sailor sees Is when he's down At an inland town, With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho! And his arm around her waist!
CHORUS. Then man the capstan—off we go, As the fiddler swings us round, With a yeo heave ho, And a rum below, Hurrah for the homeward bound!
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
Enter Pish-Tush.
PISH. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum? NANK. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the Titipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw Yum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been con- demned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations. PISH. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following remarkable circumstances:
SONG—PISH-TUSH and CHORUS.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man, When he to rule our land began, Resolved to try A plan whereby Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct, That all who flirted, leered or winked (Unless connubially linked), Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree That he was right to so decree. And I am right, And you are right, And all is right as right can be!
CHORUS. And you are right. And we are right, etc
This stem decree, you'll understand, Caused great dismay throughout the land! For young and old And shy and bold Were equally affected. The youth who winked a roving eye, Or breathed a non-connubial sigh, Was thereupon condemned to die— He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect, That he was right to so object. And I am right, And you are right, And everything is quite correct!
CHORUS. And you are right, And we are right, etc.
And so we straight let out on bail A convict from the county jail, Whose head was next On some pretext Condemned to be mown off, And made him Headsman, for we said, "Who's next to be decapited Cannot cut off another's head Until he's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say, To argue in this kind of way; And I am right, And you are right, And all is right—too-looral-lay!
CHORUS. And you are right, And we are right, etc.
[Exeunt Chorus.
Enter Pooh-Bah.
NANK. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain! POOH. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner. NANK. But how good of you (for I see that you are a nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere strolling minstrel! POOH. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a
## particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite
ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once? PISH. And the salaries attached to them? You did. POOH. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it! NANK. And it does you credit. POOH. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes his hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, I think, a light one!
SONG—POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.
Young man, despair, Likewise go to, Yum-Yum the fair You must not woo. It will not do: I'm sorry for you, You very imperfect ablutioner! This very day From school Yum-Yum Will wend her way, And homeward come, With beat of drum And a rum-tum-tum, To wed the Lord High executioner! And the brass will crash, And the trumpets bray, And they'll cut a dash On their wedding day. She'll toddle away, as all aver, With the Lord High Executioner '
NANK. and POOH. And the brass will crash, etc.
It's a hopeless case, As you may see, And in your place Away I'd flee; But don't blame me— I'm sorry to be Of your pleasure a diminutioner. They'll vow their pact Extremely soon, In point of fact This afternoon. Her honeymoon With that buffoon At seven commences, so you shun her!
ALL. And the brass will crash, etc. [Exit Pish-Tush.
RECIT.—NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.
NANK. And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly, To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly, This day to Ko-Ko is to be united! POOH. The fact appears to be as you've recited: But here he comes, equipped as suits his station; He'll give you any further information. [Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo.
Enter Chorus of Nobles.
Behold the Lord High Executioner A personage of noble rank and title— A dignified and potent officer, Whose functions are particularly vital! Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner!
Enter Ko-Ko attended.
SOLO—KO-KO.
Taken from the county jail By a set of curious chances; Liberated then on bail, On my own recognizances; Wafted by a favouring gale As one sometimes is in trances, To a height that few can scale, Save by long and weary dances; Surely, never had a male Under such like circumstances So adventurous a tale, Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS. Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner, etc.
KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.
SONG—KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list—I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed—who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs— All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs— All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat— All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that— And all third persons who on spoiling tte—ttes insist— They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list—he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed. There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist—I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed—they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist— I don't think she'd be missed—I'm sure she'd not he missed!
CHORUS. He's got her on the list—he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed—I'm sure she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist—I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life— They'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed. And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as—What d'ye call him—Thing'em-bob, and likewise—Never-mind, And 'St—'st—'st—and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who— The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed—they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list—you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed—they'll none of 'em be missed!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them. POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary? KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary. POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well. KO. Exactly—as the city will have to pay for it. That is your advice. POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed. KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it well". POOH. As Private Secretary. KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed. POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer. KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty? POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying "Chance it——" KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will. POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn't violated. KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury? POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as first Commissioner of Police. KO. That's extremely awkward. POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished people couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe. KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese attitude, would be esteemed a favour. POOH. No money, no grovel! [Exeunt together.
Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Comes a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free, Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble— Sadness set to song? Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade? And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, From scholastic trammels free, And we wonder—how we wonder!— What on earth the world can be!
TRIO.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.
THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we, Pert as a school-girl well can be, Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three little maids from school! YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.) PEEP-BO. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.) PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.) THE THREE. Three little maids from school! ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum— PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come— PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum. THE THREE. Three little maids from school! YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away. PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they— PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say— THE THREE. Three little maids from school! ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary— THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.
KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace her.) YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people? KO. Well, that was the idea. YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it? PEEP. It's rather peculiar. PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, you know. YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I've no objection if it's usual. KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? (Appealing to Pooh-Bah.) POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.) YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! PEEP. And have you got an engagement?—Yum-Yum's got one, but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more! PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going back any more!
(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)