Part 30
Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo Have quitted the dwellings of men; The other gods quickly will follow. And what will become of us then. Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo, Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars: Oh see us in misery wallow. Cursing our terrible stars.
[enter other gods.]
ALL THESPIANS: Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly.
THREE GODS: Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly.
THES. Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.
GODS. Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly.
THES. Let us remain, we pray in humility.
GODS. Let 'em remain, they pray in humility.
THES. If we have shown some little ability.
GODS. If they have shown some little ability. Let us remain, etc...
JUP. Enough, your reign is ended. Upon this sacred hill. Let him be apprehended And learn out awful will. Away to earth, contemptible comedians, And hear our curse, before we set you free' You shall be all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever goes to see.
ALL. We go to earth, contemptible tragedians, We hear his curse, before he sets us free, We shall all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever, ever goes to see.
SILL, SPAR, THES. Whom no one Ever goes to see.
[The thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselves in attitudes of triumph.]
THES. Now, here you see the arrant folly Of doing your best to make things jolly. I've ruled the world like a chap in his senses, Observe the terrible consequences. Great Jupiter, whom nothing pleases, Splutters and swears, and kicks up breezes, And sends us home in a mood avengin' In double quick time, like a railroad engine. And this he does without compunction, Because I have discharged with unction A highly complicated function Complying with his own injunction, Fol, lol, lay
CHO. All this he does....etc.
[The gods drive the thespians away. The thespians prepare to descent the mountain as the curtain falls.
CURTAIN
TRIAL BY JURY Libretto by W. S. Gilbert Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan DRAMATIS PERSONAE
THE LEARNED JUDGE THE PLAINTIFF THE DEFENDANT COUNSEL FOR THE PLAINTIFF USHER FOREMAN OF THE JURY ASSOCIATE FIRST BRIDESMAID First produced at the Royalty Theatre, London, March 25, 1875 SCENE - A Court of Justice, Barristers, Attorney, and Jurymen discovered.
CHORUS
Hark, the hour of ten is sounding: Hearts with anxious fears are bounding, Hall of Justice, crowds surrounding, Breathing hope and fear— For to-day in this arena, Summoned by a stern subpoena, Edwin, sued by Angelina, Shortly will appear.
Enter Usher
SOLO - USHER
Now, Jurymen, hear my advice— All kinds of vulgar prejudice I pray you set aside: With stern, judicial frame of mind From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried.
CHORUS
From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried.
[During Chorus, Usher sings fortissimo, "Silence in Court!"]
USHER Oh, listen to the plaintiff's case: Observe the features of her face— The broken-hearted bride. Condole with her distress of mind: From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried!
CHORUS From bias free, etc.
USHER And when, amid the plaintiff's shrieks, The ruffianly defendant speaks— Upon the other side; What he may say you needn't mind—- From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried!
CHORUS From bias free, etc.
Enter Defendant
RECIT — DEFENDANT
Is this the court of the Exchequer? ALL. It is! DEFENDANT (aside) Be firm, be firm, my pecker, Your evil star's in the ascendant! ALL. Who are you? DEFENDANT. I'm the Defendant.
CHORUS OF JURYMEN (shaking their fists)
Monster, dread our damages. We're the jury! Dread our fury!
DEFENDANT Hear me, hear me, if you please, These are very strange proceedings— For permit me to remark On the merits of my pleadings, You're at present in the dark.
[Defendant beckons to Jurymen—they leave the box and gather around him as they sing the following:
That's a very true remark— On the merits of his pleadings We're at present in the dark! Ha! ha!—ha! ha!
SONG — DEFENDANT
When first my old, old love I knew, My bosom welled with joy; My riches at her feet I threw— I was a love-sick boy! No terms seemed too extravagant Upon her to employ— I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, Just like a love-sick boy! Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!
But joy incessant palls the sense; And love, unchanged, will cloy, And she became a bore intense Unto her love-sick boy! With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, And I grew cold and coy, At last, one morning, I became Another's love-sick boy. Tink-a-tank! Tink-a-tank!
CHORUS OF JURYMEN (advancing stealthily)
Oh, I was like that when a lad! A shocking young scamp of a rover, I behaved like a regular cad; But that sort of thing is all over. I'm now a respectable chap And shine with a virtue resplendent And, therefore, I haven't a scrap Of sympathy with the defendant! He shall treat us with awe, If there isn't a flaw, Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law! Trial-la-law! Singing so merrily—Trial-la-law!
[They enter the Jury-box.
RECIT—USHER (on Bench)
Silence in Court, and all attention lend. Behold your Judge! In due submission bend!
Enter Judge on Bench
CHORUS
All hail, great Judge! To your bright rays We never grudge Ecstatic praise. All hail!
May each decree As statute rank And never be Reversed in banc. All hail! RECIT—JUDGE
For these kind words, accept my thanks, I pray. A Breach of Promise we've to try to-day. But firstly, if the time you'll not begrudge, I'll tell you how I came to be a Judge.
ALL. He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge! JUDGE. I'll tell you how... ALL. He'll tell us how... JUDGE. I'll tell you how... ALL. He'll tell us how... JUDGE Let me speak...! ALL. Let him speak! JUDGE. Let me speak! ALL. (in a whisper). Let him speak! He'll tell us how he came to be a Judge! USHER. Silence in Court! Silence in Court!
SONG—JUDGE
When I, good friends, was called to the bar, I'd an appetite fresh and hearty. But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party.
I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue— And a brief which I bought of a booby— A couple of shirts, and a collar or two, And a ring that looked like a ruby!
CHORUS. A couple of shirts, etc.
JUDGE. At Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury; For I thought I never should hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury— But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water; So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter.
CHORUS. So he fell in love, etc.
JUDGE. The rich attorney, he jumped with joy, And replied to my fond professions: "You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy, At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions. You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, "And a very nice girl you will find her! She may very well pass for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her!"
CHORUS. She may very well, etc.
JUDGE. The rich attorney was good as his word; The briefs came trooping gaily, And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations. And many a burglar I've restored To his friends and his relations.
CHORUS. And many a burglar, etc.
JUDGE. At length I became as rich as the Gurneys— An incubus then I thought her, So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage—- And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage!
CHORUS. And now if you please, etc.
JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge! ALL. And a good Judge, too! JUDGE. For now I'm a Judge! ALL. And a good Judge, too! JUDGE. Though all my law be fudge, Yet I'll never, never budge, But I'll live and die a Judge! ALL. And a good Judge, too! JUDGE (pianissimo). It was managed by a job— ALL. And a good job, too! JUDGE. It was managed by a job! ALL. And a good job too! JUDGE. It is patent to the mob, That my being made a nob Was effected by a job. ALL. And a good job too!
[Enter Counsel for Plaintiff. He takes his place in front row of Counsel's seats
RECIT — COUNSEL
Swear thou the jury!
USHER. Kneel, Jurymen, oh, kneel!
[All the Jury kneel in the Jury-box, and so are hidden from audience.
USHER. Oh, will you swear by yonder skies, Whatever question may arise, 'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high, That you will well and truly try?
JURY (raising their hands, which alone are visible)
To all of this we make reply By the dull slate of yonder sky: That we will well and truly try. We'll try.
(All rise with the last note)
RECIT — COUNSEL
Where is the Plaintiff? Let her now be brought.
RECIT — USHER
Oh, Angelina! Come thou into Court! Angelina! Angelina!
Enter the Bridesmaids
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS
Comes the broken flower— Comes the cheated maid— Though the tempest lower, Rain and cloud will fade Take, oh maid, these posies: Though thy beauty rare Shame the blushing roses, They are passing fair! Wear the flowers 'til they fade; Happy be thy life, oh maid!
[The Judge, having taken a great fancy to First Bridesmaid, sends her a note by Usher, which she reads, kisses rapturously, and places in her bosom.
Enter Plaintiff
SOLO — PLAINTIFF
O'er the season vernal, Time may cast a shade; Sunshine, if eternal, Makes the roses fade! Time may do his duty; Let the thief alone— Winter hath a beauty. That is all his own. Fairest days are sun and shade: I am no unhappy maid!
[The Judge having by this time transferred his admiration to Plaintiff, directs the Usher to take the note from First Bridesmaid and hand it to Plaintiff, who reads it, kisses it rapturously, and places it in her bosom.
CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS
Comes the broken flower, etc.
JUDGE. Oh, never, never, never, Since I joined the human race, Saw I so excellently fair a face. THE JURY (shaking their forefingers at him). Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog! JUDGE (to Jury). How say you? Is she not designed for capture? FOREMAN (after consulting with the Jury). We've but one word, m'lud, and that is—Rapture! PLAINTIFF (curtseying). Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!
JURY. We love you fondly, and would make you ours!
BRIDESMAIDS (shaking their forefingers at Jury). Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!
RECIT — COUNSEL for PLAINTIFF
May it please you, m'lud! Gentlemen of the jury!
ARIA — COUNSEL
With a sense of deep emotion, I approach this painful case; For I never had a notion That a man could be so base, Or deceive a girl confiding, Vows, etcetera deriding.
ALL. He deceived a girl confiding, Vows, etcetera, deriding.
[Plaintiff falls sobbing on Counsel's breast and remains there.
COUNSEL. See my interesting client, Victim of a heartless wile! See the traitor all defiant Wear a supercilious smile! Sweetly smiled my client on him, Coyly woo'd and gently won him.
ALL. Sweetly smiled, etc.
COUNSEL. Swiftly fled each honeyed hour Spent with this unmanly male! Sommerville became a bow'r, Alston an Arcadian Vale, Breathing concentrated otto!— An existence la Watteau.
ALL. Bless, us, concentrated otto! etc.
COUNSEL. Picture, then, my client naming, And insisting on the day: Picture him excuses framing— Going from her far away; Doubly criminal to do so, For the maid had bought her trousseau!
ALL. Doubly criminal, etc. COUNSEL (to Plaintiff, who weeps)
Cheer up, my pretty—oh, cheer up!
JURY. Cheer up, cheer up, we love you!
[Counsel leads Plaintiff fondly into Witness-box; he takes a tender leave of her, and resumes his place in Court.
(Plaintiff reels as if about to faint)
JUDGE. That she is reeling Is plain to see!
FOREMAN. If faint you're feeling Recline on me!
[She falls sobbing on to the Foreman's breast.
PLAINTIFF (feebly). I shall recover If left alone.
ALL. (shaking their fists at Defendant) Oh, perjured lover, Atone! atone!
FOREMAN. Just like a father [Kissing her I wish to be.
JUDGE. (approaching her) Or, if you'd rather, Recline on me!
[She jumps on to Bench, sits down by the Judge, and falls sobbing on his breast.
COUNSEL. Oh! fetch some water From far Cologne!
ALL. For this sad slaughter Atone! atone!
JURY. (shaking fists at Defendant) Monster, monster, dread our fury— There's the Judge, and we're the Jury! Come! Substantial damages, Dam—-
USHER. Silence in Court!
SONG — DEFENDANT
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray, Though I own that my heart has been ranging, Of nature the laws I obey, For nature is constantly changing. The moon in her phases is found, The time, and the wind, and the weather. The months in succession come round, And you don't find two Mondays together. Consider the moral, I pray, Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow, Who loves this young lady to-day, And loves that young lady to-morrow.
BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward, and kneeling to Jury).
Consider the moral, etc.
One cannot eat breakfast all day, Nor is it the act of a sinner, When breakfast is taken away, To turn his attention to dinner. And it's not in the range of belief, To look upon him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton. But this I am willing to say, If it will appease her sorrow, I'll marry this lady to-day, And I'll marry the other to-morrow.
BRIDESMAIDS (rushing forward as before)
But this he is willing say, etc.
RECIT — JUDGE
That seems a reasonable proposition, To which, I think, your client may agree.
COUNSEL But I submit, m'lud, with all submission, To marry two at once is Burglaree! [Referring to law book. In the reign of James the Second, It was generally reckoned As a rather serious crime To marry two wives at a time. [Hands book up to Judge, who reads it.
ALL. Oh, man of learning!
QUARTETTE
JUDGE. A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit:
COUNSEL. And at this stage, it don't appear That we can settle it.
DEFENDANT (in Witness-box). If I to wed the girl am loth A breach 'twill surely be—
PLAINTIFF. And if he goes and marries both, It counts as Burglaree!
ALL. A nice dilemma we have here, That calls for all our wit.
DUET — PLAINTIFF and DEFENDANT
PLAINTIFF (embracing him rapturously)
I love him—I love him—with fervour unceasing I worship and madly adore; My blind adoration is ever increasing, My loss I shall ever deplore. Oh, see what a blessing, what love and caressing I've lost, and remember it, pray, When you I'm addressing, are busy assessing The damages Edwin must pay—- Yes, he must pay!
DEFENDANT (repelling her furiously)
I smoke like a furnace—I'm always in liquor, A ruffian—a bully—a sot; I'm sure I should thrash her, perhaps I should kick her, I am such a very bad lot! I'm not prepossessing, as you may be guessing, She couldn't endure me a day! Recall my professing, when you are assessing The damages Edwin must pay!
PLAINTIFF. Yes, he must pay!
[She clings to him passionately; after a struggle, he throws her off into arms of Counsel.
JURY. We would be fairly acting, But this is most distracting! If, when in liquor he would kick her, That is an abatement.
RECIT — JUDGE
The question, gentlemen—is one of liquor. You ask for guidance—this is my reply: He says, when tipsy, he would thrash and kick her. Let's make him tipsy, gentlemen, and try!
COUNSEL. With all respect, I do object!
PLAINTIFF. I do object!
DEFENDANT. I don't object!
ALL. With all respect We do object!
JUDGE (tossing his books and paper about)
All the legal furies seize you! No proposal seems to please you, I can't sit up here all day, I must shortly get away. Barristers, and you, attorneys, Set out on your homeward journeys; Gentle, simple-minded Usher, Get you, if you like, to Russher; Put your briefs upon the shelf, I will marry her myself!
[He comes down from Bench to floor of Court. He embraces Angelina.
FINALE
PLAINTIFF. Oh, joy unbounded, With wealth surrounded, The knell is sounded Of grief and woe.
COUNSEL. With love devoted On you he's doated, To castle moated Away they go.
DEFENDANT. I wonder whether They'll live together, In marriage tether In manner true?
USHER. It seems to me, sir, Of such as she, sir, A Judge is he, sir, And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge!
ALL. And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE. Yes, I am a Judge!
ALL. And a good Judge, too!
JUDGE. Though homeward as you trudge, You declare my law is fudge. Yet of beauty I'm a judge.
ALL. And a good Judge too!
JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob,
ALL. And a great snob, too!
JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob,
ALL. And a great snob, too!
JUDGE. Though defendant is a snob, I'll reward him from his fob. So we've settled with the job,
ALL. And a good job, too!
Dance
CURTAIN
UTOPIA LIMITED OR THE FLOWERS OF PROGRESS
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan Libretto by William S. Gilbert DRAMATIS PERSONAE
King Paramount, the First (King of Utopia) Scaphio and Phantis (Judges of the Utopian Supreme Court) Tarara (The Public Exploder) Calynx (The Utopian Vice-Chamberlain)
Imported Flowers of Progress:
Lord Dramaleigh (a British Lord Chamberlain) Captain Fitzbattleaxe (First Life Guards) Captain Sir Edward Corcoran, K.C.B. (of the Royal Navy) Mr. Goldbury (a company promoter; afterwards Comptroller of the Utopian Household) Sir Bailey Barre, Q.C., M.P. Mr. Blushington (of the County Council)
The Princess Zara (eldest daughter of King Paramount) The Princesses Nekaya and Kalyba (her Younger Sisters) The Lady Sophy (their English Gouvernante)
Utopian Maidens: Salata Melene Phylla
## ACT I
A Utopian Palm Grove
## ACT II
Throne Room in King Paramount's Palace First produced at the Savoy Theatre on October 7, 1893.
## ACT I.
OPENING CHORUS.
In lazy languor—motionless, We lie and dream of nothingness; For visions come From Poppydom Direct at our command: Or, delicate alternative, In open idleness we live, With lyre and lute And silver flute, The life of Lazyland.
SOLO - Phylla.
The song of birds In ivied towers; The rippling play Of waterway; The lowing herds; The breath of flowers; The languid loves Of turtle doves— These simple joys are all at hand Upon thy shores, O Lazyland!
(Enter Calynx)
Calynx: Good news! Great news! His Majesty's eldest daughter, Princess Zara, who left our shores five years since to go to England—the greatest, the most powerful, the wisest country in the world—has taken a high degree at Girton, and is on her way home again, having achieved a complete mastery over all the elements that have tended to raise that glorious country to her present preeminent position among civilized nations!
Salata: Then in a few months Utopia may hope to be completely Anglicized?
Calynx: Absolutely and without a doubt.
Melene: (lazily) We are very well as we are. Life without a care—every want supplied by a kind and fatherly monarch, who, despot though he be, has no other thought than to make his people happy—what have we to gain by the great change that is in store for us?
Salata: What have we to gain? English institutions, English tastes, and oh, English fashions!
Calynx: England has made herself what she is because, in that favored land, every one has to think for himself. Here we have no need to think, because our monarch anticipates all our wants, and our political opinions are formed for us by the journals to which we subscribe. Oh, think how much more brilliant this dialogue would have been, if we had been accustomed to exercise our reflective powers! They say that in England the conversation of the very meanest is a coruscation of impromptu epigram!
(Enter Tarara in a great rage)
Tarara: Lalabalele talala! Callabale lalabalica falahle!
Calynx: (horrified) Stop—stop, I beg! (All the ladies close their ears.)
Tarara: Callamalala galalate! Caritalla lalabalee kallalale poo!
Ladies: Oh, stop him! stop him!
Calynx: My lord, I'm surprised at you. Are you not aware that His Majesty, in his despotic acquiescence with the emphatic wish of his people, has ordered that the Utopian language shall be banished from his court, and that all communications shall henceforward be made in the English tongue?
Tarara: Yes, I'm perfectly aware of it, although—(suddenly presenting an explosive "cracker"). Stop—allow me.
Calynx: (pulls it). Now, what's that for?
Tarara: Why, I've recently been appointed Public Exploder to His Majesty, and as I'm constitutionally nervous, I must accustom myself by degrees to the startling nature of my duties. Thank you. I was about to say that although, as Public Exploder, I am next in succession to the throne, I nevertheless do my best to fall in with the royal decree. But when I am overmastered by an indignant sense of overwhelming wrong, as I am now, I slip into my native tongue without knowing it. I am told that in the language of that great and pure nation, strong expressions do not exist, consequently when I want to let off steam I have no alternative but to say, "Lalabalele molola lililah kallalale poo!"
Calynx: But what is your grievance?
Tarara: This—by our Constitution we are governed by a Despot who, although in theory absolute—is, in practice, nothing of the kind—being watched day and night by two Wise Men whose duty it is, on his very first lapse from political or social propriety, to denounce him to me, the Public Exploder, and it then becomes my duty to blow up His Majesty with dynamite—allow me. (Presenting a cracker which Calynx pulls.) Thank you—and, as some compensation to my wounded feelings, I reign in his stead.
Calynx: Yes. After many unhappy experiments in the direction of an ideal Republic, it was found that what may be described as a Despotism tempered by Dynamite provides, on the whole, the most satisfactory description of ruler—an autocrat who dares not abuse his autocratic power.
Tarara: That's the theory—but in practice, how does it act? Now, do you ever happen to see the Palace Peeper? (producing a "Society" paper).
Calynx: Never even heard of the journal.
Tarara: I'm not surprised, because His Majesty's agents always buy up the whole edition; but I have an aunt in the publishing department, and she has supplied me with a copy. Well, it actually teems with circumstantially convincing details of the King's abominable immoralities! If this high-class journal may be believed, His Majesty is one of the most Heliogabalian profligates that ever disgraced an autocratic throne! And do these Wise Men denounce him to me? Not a bit of it! They wink at his immoralities! Under the circumstances I really think I am justified in exclaiming "Lalabelele molola lililah kalabalale poo!" (All horrified.) I don't care—the occasion demands it.
(Exit Tarara)
(March. Enter Guard, escorting Scaphio and Phantis.)
CHORUS.
O make way for the Wise Men! They are the prizemen— Double-first in the world's university! For though lovely this island (Which is my land), She has no one to match them in her city. They're the pride of Utopia— Cornucopia Is each his mental fertility. O they make no blunder, And no wonder, For they're triumphs of infallibility.
DUET — Scaphio and Phantis.
In every mental lore (The statement smacks of vanity) We claim to rank before The wisest of humanity. As gifts of head and heart We wasted on "utility," We're "cast" to play a part Of great responsibility.