Part 37
BOTH Hereupon we're both agreed, All that we two Do agree to We'll secure by solemn deed, To prevent all Error mental.
POINT You on Elsie are to call With a story Grim and gory;
WILFRED How this Fairfax died, and all I declare to You're to swear to.
POINT I to swear to!
WILFRED I declare to,
POINT I to swear to!
WILFRED I declare to,
BOTH I to swear to,/I declare to, You declare to,/You're to swear to, I to swear to,/I declare to.
BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull, Of convincing detail full Tale tremendous, Heav'n defend us! What a tale of cock and bull!
In return for your/my own part You are/I am making, undertaking To instruct me/you in the art (Art amazing, wonder raising)
POINT Of a jester, jesting free. Proud position— High ambition!
WILFRED And a lively one I'll be, Wag-a-wagging, Never flagging!
POINT Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED Never flagging,
POINT Wag-a-wagging,
WILFRED Never flagging,
BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging, Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging, Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!
BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull, Of convincing detail full Tale tremendous, Heav'n defend us! What a tale of cock and bull!
POINT What a tale of cock,
WILFRED What a tale of bull!
POINT What a tale of cock,
WILFRED What a tale of bull!
BOTH What a tale of cock and bull, Cock and bull, cock and bull, Heav'n defend us! What a tale of cock and bull!
[Exeunt together.
[Enter FAIRFAX
FAIRFAX Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts! They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards of his dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursed haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of matrimony with— Heaven knows whom! As far as I remember, she should have been young; but even had not her face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubt whether, in my then plight, I should have taken much note of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but a thread of silk compared with these conjugal fetters which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands. From the one I broke readily enough— how to break the other! No. 16. Free from his fetters grim (BALLAD) Fairfax
FAIRFAX Free from his fetters grim— Free to depart; Free both in life and limb— In all but heart! Bound to an unknown bride For good and ill; Ah, is not one so tied A pris'ner still, a pris'ner still? Ah, is not one so tied A pris'ner still?
Free, yet in fetters held Till his last hour, Gyves that no smith can weld, No rust devour! Although a monarch's hand Had set him free, Of all the captive band The saddest he, the saddest he! Of all the captive band The saddest, saddest he!
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL
FAIRFAX Well, Sergeant Meryll, and how fares thy pretty charge,Elsie Maynard?
MERYLL Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and leaves us to-night.
FAIRFAX Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh?
MERYLL Aye, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl to me. It gave the old lady an excuse for taking up her quarters in my house, and for the last two years I've shunned her like the plague. Another day of it and she would have married me! [Enter DAME CARRUTHERS and KATE] Good Lord, here she is again! I'll e'en go. [Going]
DAME Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of grave import to say to thee.
MERYLL [aside] It's coming.
FAIRFAX [laughing] I'faith, I think I', not wanted here. [Going]
DAME Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father that his son may not hear.
FAIRFAX [aside] True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!
DAME 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master Leonard.
FAIRFAX Aye, fair as a peach blossom— what then?
DAME She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.
FAIRFAX With all my heart. She's as dainty a little amid as you'll find in a midsummer day's march.
DAME Then be warned in time, and give not thy heart to her. Oh, I know what it is to give my heart to one who will have none of it!
MERYLL [aside] Aye, she knows all about that. [Aloud] And why is my boy to take heed of her? She's a good girl, Dame Carruthers.
DAME Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl. She's a married woman.
MERYLL A married woman! Tush, old lady— she's promised to Jack Point, the Lieutenant's new jester.
DAME Tush in thy teeth, old man! As my niece Kate sat by her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept she moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that way— and, "How shall I marry one I have never seen?" quoth she— then, "An hundred crowns!" quoth she— then,"Is it certain he will die in an hour?" quoth she— then, "I love him not, and yet I am his wife," quoth she! Is it not so, Kate?
KATE Aye, aunt, 'tis even so.
FAIRFAX Art thou sure of all this?
KATE Aye, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.
DAME Now, mark my words: it was of this Fairfax she spake, and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle!
MERYLL [aside] Is it true, sir?
FAIRFAX [aside to MERYLL] True? Why, the girl was raving! [Aloud] Why should she marry a man who had but an hour to live?
DAME Marry? There be those who would marry but for a minute, rather than die old maids.
MERYLL [aside] Aye, I know one of them!
No. 17. Strange adventure! (QUARTET) Kate, Dame, Carruthers, Fairfax and Sergeant Meryll
ALL Strange adventure! Maiden wedded To a groom she's never seen— Never, never, never seen! Groom about to be beheaded, In an hour on Tower Green! Tower, Tower, Tower Green! Groom in dreary dungeon lying, Groom as good as dead, or dying, For a pretty maiden sighing— Pretty maid of seventeen! Seven— seven— seventeen!
Strange adventure that we're trolling: Modest maid and gallant groom— Gallant, gallant, gallant groom!— While the funeral bell is tolling, Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom! Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom! Modest maiden will not tarry; Though but sixteen year she carry, She must marry, she must marry, Though the altar be a tomb— Tower— Tower— Tower tomb! Tower tomb! Tower tomb! Though the altar be a tomb! Tower, Tower, Tower tomb!
[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.
FAIRFAX So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome Elsie! By my hand, 'tis no such ill plunge in Fortune's lucky bag! I might have fared worse with my eyes open! But she comes. Now to test her principles. 'Tis not every husband who has a chance of wooing his own wife!
[Enter ELSIE
FAIRFAX Mistress Elsie!
ELSIE Master Leonard!
FAIRFAX So thou leavest us to-night?
ELSIE Yes. Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and I almost fear I am loth to go.
FAIRFAX And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped?
ELSIE Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a young and gallant gentleman should die in the very fullness of his life.
FAIRFAX Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy at his safety?
ELSIE It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard, and I am but a girl, and so, when I an highly wrought, I faint.
FAIRFAX Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous jealousy?
ELSIE Thou? And of whom?
FAIRFAX Why, of this Fairfax, surely!
ELSIE Of Colonel Fairfax?
FAIRFAX Aye. Shall I be frank with thee? Elsie— I love thee, ardently, passionately! [ELSIE alarmed and surprised] Elsie, I have loved thee these two days— which is a long time— and I would fain join my life to thine!
ELSIE Master Leonard! Thou art jesting!
FAIRFAX Jesting? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest! I love thee with a love that is a fever— with a love that is a frenzy— with a love that eateth up my heart! What sayest thou? Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up?
ELSIE [aside] Oh, mercy! What am I to say?
FAIRFAX Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these two days?
ELSIE I love all brave men.
FAIRFAX Nay, there is love in excess. I thank heaven there are many brave men in England; but if thou lovest them all, I withdraw my thanks.
ELSIE I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen— I am not free— I— I am a wife!
FAIRFAX Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are numbered—nay, his grave is dug and his epitaph set up! Come, his name?
ELSIE Oh, sir! keep my secret— it is the only barrier that Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other than Colonel Fairfax!
FAIRFAX The greatest villain unhung! The most ill-favoured, ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered dog in Christendom!
ELSIE It is very like. He is naught to me— for I never saw him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within the hour; and he did not die— and I am wedded to him, and my heart is broken!
FAIRFAX He was to have died, and he did not die? The scoundrel! The perjured, traitorous villain! Thou shouldst have insisted on his dying first, to make sure. 'Tis the only way with these Fairfaxes.
ELSIE I now wish I had!
FAIRFAX [aside] Bloodthirsty little maiden! [Aloud] A fig for this Fairfax! Be mine— he will never know— he dares not show himself; and if he dare, what art thou to him? Fly with me, Elsie— we will be married tomorrow, and thou shalt be the happiest wife in England!
ELSIE Master Leonard! I am amazed! Is it thus that brave soldiers speak to poor girls? Oh! for shame, for shame! I am wed— not the less because I love not my husband. I am a wife, sir, and I have a duty, and— oh, sir!— thy words terrify me— they are not honest— they are wicked words, and unworthy thy great and brave heart! Oh,shame upon thee! shame upon thee!
FAIRFAX Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee—
[Shot heard
[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL hastily
No. 18. Hark! What was that, sir? (SCENE) Elsie, Phoebe, Dame Carruthers, Fairfax. Wilfred, Point, Lieutenant, Sergeant
MERYLL Hark! What was that, sir?
FAIRFAX Why, an arquebus— Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake.
MERYLL Strange— and at such an hour! What can it mean!
[Enter CHORUS excitedly
CHORUS Now what can that have been— A shot so late at night, Enough to cause a fright! What can the portent mean?
Are foemen in the land? Is London to be wrecked? What are we to expect? What danger is at hand? Let us understand What danger is at hand!
[LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED
LIEUT. Who fired that shot? At once the truth declare?
WILFRED My lord, 'twas I— to rashly judge forebear!
POINT My lord, 'twas he— to rashly judge forebear!
WILFRED Like a ghost his vigil keeping—
POINT Or a spectre all-appalling—
WILFRED I beheld a figure creeping—
POINT I should rather call it crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping—
POINT He was crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping, creeping—
POINT Crawling!
WILFRED He was creeping—
POINT He was crawling—
WILFRED He was creeping, creeping—
POINT Crawling!
WILFRED Not a moment's hesitation— I myself upon him flung, With a hurried exclamation To his draperies I hung; Then we closed with one another In a rough-and-tumble smother; Col'nel Fairfax and no other Was the man to whom I clung!
ALL Col'nel Fairfax and no other, Was the man to whom he clung!
WILFRED After mighty tug and tussle—
POINT It resembled more a struggle—
WILFRED He, by dint of stronger muscle—
POINT Or by some infernal juggle—
WILFRED From my clutches quickly sliding—
POINT I should rather call it slipping—
WILFRED With a view, no doubt, of hiding—
POINT Or escaping to the shipping—
WILFRED With a gasp, and with a quiver—
POINT I'd describe it as a shiver—
WILFRED Down he dived into the river, And, alas, I cannot swim.
ALL It's enough to make one shiver, With a gasp, and with a quiver, Down he dived into the river; It was very brave of him!
WILFRED Ingenuity is catching; With the view my King of pleasing, Arquebus from sentry snatching—
POINT I should rather call it seizing—
WILFRED With an ounce or two of lead I dispatched him through the head!
ALL With an ounce or two of lead He dispatched him through the head!
WILFRED I discharged it without winking, Little time I lost in thinking, Like a stone I saw him sinking—
POINT I should say a lump of lead.
ALL He discharged it without winking, Little time he lost in thinking.
WILFRED Like a stone I saw him sinking—
POINT I should say a lump of lead.
WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said—
POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said—
POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.
WILFRED Anyhow, the man is dead, Whether stone or lump of lead!
ALL Anyhow, the man is dead, Whether stone or lump of lead! Arquebus from sentry seizing, With the view his King of pleasing, Arquebus from sentry seizing, With the view his King of pleasing, Wilfred shot him through the head, And he's very, very dead!
And it matters very little Whether stone or lump of lead, It is very, very certain that he's very, very dead!
LIEUT. The river must be dragged— no time be lost; The body must be found, at any cost. To this attend without undue delay; So set to work with what dispatch ye may!
[Exit LIEUTENANT
ALL Yes, yes, We'll set to work with what dispatch we may!
[Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders.
ALL Hail the valiant fellow who Did this deed of derring-do! Honours wait on such an one; By my head, 'twas bravely done, 'twas bravely done! Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done!
[Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE.
POINT [to ELSIE, who is weeping] Nay, sweetheart, be comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow, and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as any other way. 'Twas a good death.
ELSIE Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so, by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master Point.
FAIRFAX And thou didst see all this?
POINT Aye, with both eyes at once— this and that. The testimony of one eye is naught— he may lie. But when it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court, ready to swear to him!
PHOEBE But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his face?
POINT Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang- dog face— a felon face— a face to fright the headsman himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh] How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk— an accepted wit has but to say "Pass the mustard," and they roar their ribs out!
FAIRFAX [aside] If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay for this, Master Point!
POINT Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit. I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, riddle you—
FAIRFAX Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries; with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an art in itself, and must be studied gravely and conscientiously.
No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid (TRIO) Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax
FAIRFAX A man who would woo a fair maid, Should 'prentice himself to the trade; And study all day, In methodical way, How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
He should 'prentice himself at fourteen, And practise from morning to e'en; And when he's of age, If he will, I'll engage, He may capture the heart of a queen, the heart of a queen!
ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will. But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill! If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time, His twig he'll so carefully lime That every bird Will come down at his word, Whatever its plumage and clime.
He must learn that the thrill of a touch May mean little, or nothing, or much; It's an instrument rare, To be handled with care, And ought to be treated as such, Ought to be treated as such.
ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill! If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
PHOEBE Then a glance may be timid or free; It will vary in mighty degree, From an impudent stare To a look of despair That no maid without pity can see! And a glance of despair is no guide— It may have its ridiculous side; It may draw you a tear Or a box on the ear; You can never be sure till you've tried! Never be sure till you've tried!
ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill, If he wants to make sure of his Jill! But every Jack, He must study the knack, But every Jack, Must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill! Yes, every Jack, Must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
FAIRFAX [aside to POINT] Now, listen to me— 'tis done thus— [aloud] Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou knowest, loves thee right well!
POINT [aside] That he does— right well!
FAIRFAX He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving, honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its nest!
POINT [aside] 'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies closer, but a squirrel will do.
FAIRFAX He knoweth that thou wast a wife— an unloved and unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead, and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou wouldst one day be his!
PHOEBE [alarmed] He presses her hands— and whispers in her ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean?
FAIRFAX Now, sweetheart, tell me— wilt thou be this poor goodfellow's wife?
ELSIE If the good, brave man— is he a brave man?
FAIRFAX So men say.
POINT [aside] That's not true, but let it pass.
ELSIE If the brave man will be content with a poor, penniless, untaught maid—
POINT [aside] Widow— but let that pass.
ELSIE I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my heart of hearts!
FAIRFAX My own dear love! [Embracing her]
PHOEBE [in great agitation] Why, what's all this? Brother— brother— it is not seemly!
POINT [also alarmed, aside] Oh, I can't let that pass! [Aloud] Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying thyself!
FAIRFAX Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears]
No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing (QUARTET) Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point
ELSIE When a wooer Goes a-wooing, Naught is truer Than his joy.
FAIRFAX Maiden hushing All his suing— Boldly blushing, bravely coy! Bravely coy! Boldly blushing—
ELSIE Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
ALL Oh, the happy days of doing! Oh, the sighing and the suing! When a wooer goes a-wooing, Oh the sweets that never cloy!
PHOEBE [weeping] When a brother leaves his sister For another, sister weeps, Tears that trickle, Tears that blister— 'Tis but mickle Sister reaps!
ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a brother goes a-wooing, And a sobbing sister weeps!
POINT When a jester Is outwitted, Feelings fester, Heart is lead! Food for fishes Only fitted, Jester wishes He was dead! Food for fishes Only fitted, Jester wishes He was dead!
ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a jester goes a-wooing, And he wishes he was dead!
Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a jester goes a-wooing, And he wishes he was dead, And he wishes he was dead!
[Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping.
PHOEBE And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving sister, and done everything I could think of to make folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his gratitude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody— one as much as another!
[Enter WILFRED
WILFRED In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for now?
PHOEBE Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy— well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow, bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that, Master Wilfred.
WILFRED But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest gossips!
PHOEBE Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven cock- on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared! I am jealous of another and a better man than thou— set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool— set that down Master Wilfred— and my heart is wellnigh broken! There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it!
WILFRED The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why, that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll!
PHOEBE [aside] Oh, mercy! what have I said?
WILFRED Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!— with my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha! should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who—
PHOEBE Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who lies at the bottom of the river!
WILFRED A— I— I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure— I'll make sure. [Going]
PHOEBE Stay— one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax— mind, I say I think— because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry Elsie— and— and— as thou hast shot him through the head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will be thy wife!
WILFRED Is that sure?