Part 26
(Aside and with great vehemence) Wild with adoration! Mad with fascination! To indulge my lamentation No occasion do I miss! Goaded to distraction By maddening inaction, I find some satisfaction In apostophe like this: "Marmaduke immortal, "Marmaduke divine, "Take me to thy portal, "Loved one, oh be mine!"
(Aloud with much ceremony) Chivalry is an ingredient Sadly lacking in our land; Sir, I am your most obedient, Most obedient to command!
(During this the Notary has entered, with marriage contract.)
RECITATIVE—NOTARY
All is prepared for sealing and for signing, The contract has been drafted as agreed; Approach the table, oh, ye lovers pining, With hand and seal come execute the deed!
(Alexis and Aline advance and sign, Alexis supported by Sir Marmaduke, Aline by her Mother.)
CHORUS
See they sign, without a quiver, it— Then to seal proceed. They deliver it—they deliver it As their Act and Deed! ALEX. I deliver it—I deliver it As my Act and Deed!. ALINE. I deliver it—I deliver it. As my Act and Deed!
CHO. With heart and with voice Let us welcome this mating; Leave them here to rejoice, With true love palpitating, Alexis the brave, And the lovely Aline! (Exeunt all but Alexis and Aline.)
ALEXIS At last we are alone! My darling, you are now irrevocably betrothed to me. Are you not very, very happy? ALINE Oh, Alexis, can you doubt it? Do I not love you beyond all on earth, and am I not beloved in return? Is not true love, faithfully given and faithfully returned, the source of every earthly joy? ALEXIS Of that there can be no doubt. Oh, that the world could be persuaded of the truth of that maxim! Oh, that the world would break down the artificial barriers of rank, wealth, education, age, beauty, habits, taste, and temper, and recognize the glorious principle, that in marriage alone is to be found the panacea for every ill! ALINE Continue to preach that sweet doctrine, and you will succeed, oh, evangel of true happiness! ALEXIS I hope so, but as yet the cause progresses but slowly. Still I have made some converts to the principle, that men and women should be coupled in matrimony without distinction of rank. I have lectured on the subject at Mechanics' Institutes, and the mechanics were unanimous in favour of my views. I have preached in workhouses, beershops, and Lunatic Asylums, and I have been received with enthusiasm. I have addressed navvies on the advantages that would accrue to them if they married wealthy ladies of rank, and not a navvy dissented! ALINE Noble fellows! And yet there are those who hold that the uneducated classes are not open to argument! And what do the countesses say? ALEXIS Why, at present, it can't be denied, the aristocracy hold aloof. ALINE Ah, the working man is the true Intelligence after all! ALEXIS He is a noble creature when he is quite sober. Yes, Aline, true happiness comes of true love, and true love should be independent of external influences. It should live upon itself and by itself—in itself love should live for love alone!
BALLAD—ALEXIS
Love feeds on many kinds of food, I know, Some love for rank, some for duty: Some give their hearts away for empty show, And others for youth and beauty. To love for money all the world is prone: Some love themselves, and live all lonely: Give me the love that loves for love alone— I love that love—I love it only!
What man for any other joy can thirst, Whose loving wife adores him duly? Want, misery, and care may do their worst, If loving woman loves you truly. A lover's thoughts are ever with his own— None truly loved is ever lonely: Give me the love that loves for love alone— I love that love—I love it only!
ALINE Oh, Alexis, those are noble principles! ALEXIS Yes, Aline, and I am going to take a desperate step in support of them. Have you ever heard of the firm of J. W. Wells & Co., the old-established Family Sorcerers in St. Mary Axe? ALINE I have seen their advertisement. ALEXIS They have invented a philtre, which, if report may be believed, is simply infallible. I intend to distribute it through the village, and within half an hour of my doing so there will not be an adult in the place who will not have learnt the secret of pure and lasting happiness. What do you say to that? ALINE Well, dear, of course a filter is a very useful thing in a house; but still I don't quite see that it is the sort of thing that places its possessor on the very pinnacle of earthly joy. ALEXIS Aline, you misunderstand me. I didn't say a filter—I said a philtre. ALINE (alarmed) You don't mean a love-potion? ALEXIS On the contrary—I do mean a love potion. ALINE Oh, Alexis! I don't think it would be right. I don't indeed. And then—a real magician! Oh, it would be downright wicked. ALEXIS Aline, is it, or is it not, a laudable object to steep the whole village up to its lips in love, and to couple them in matrimony without distinction of age, rank, or fortune? ALINE Unquestionably, but— ALEXIS Then unpleasant as it must be to have recourse to supernatural aid, I must nevertheless pocket my aversion, in deference to the great and good end I have in view. (Calling) Hercules.
(Enter a Page from tent)
PAGE Yes, sir. ALEXIS Is Mr. Wells there? PAGE He's in the tent, sir—refreshing. ALEXIS Ask him to be so good as to step this way. PAGE Yes, sir. (Exit Page) ALINE Oh, but, Alexis! A real Sorcerer! Oh, I shall be frightened to death! ALEXIS I trust my Aline will not yield to fear while the strong right arm of her Alexis is here to protect her. ALINE It's nonsense, dear, to talk of your protecting me with your strong right arm, in face of the fact that this Family Sorcerer could change me into a guinea-pig before you could turn round. ALEXIS He could change you into a guinea-pig, no doubt, but it is most unlikely that he would take such a liberty. It's a most respectable firm, and I am sure he would never be guilty of so untradesmanlike an act.
(Enter Mr. Wells from tent)
WELLS Good day, sir. (Aline much terrified.) ALEXIS Good day—I believe you are a Sorcerer. WELLS Yes, sir, we practice Necromancy in all its branches. We've a choice assortment of wishing-caps, divining-rods, amulets, charms, and counter-charms. We can cast you a nativity at a low figure, and we have a horoscope at three-and-six that we can guarantee. Our Abudah chests, each containing a patent Hag who comes out and prophesies disasters, with spring complete, are strongly recommended. Our Aladdin lamps are very chaste, and our Prophetic Tablets, foretelling everything—from a change of Ministry down to a rise in Unified—are much enquired for. Our penny Curse—one of the cheapest things in the trade—is considered infallible. We have some very superior Blessings, too, but they're very little asked for. We've only sold one since Christmas—to a gentleman who bought it to send to his mother-in-law—but it turned out that he was afflicted in the head, and it's been returned on our hands. But our sale of penny Curses, especially on Saturday nights, is tremendous. We can't turn 'em out fast enough.
SONG—MR. WELLS
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells. If you want a proud foe to "make tracks"— If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax— You've but to look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
We've a first-class assortment of magic; And for raising a posthumous shade With effects that are comic or tragic, There's no cheaper house in the trade. Love-philtre—we've quantities of it; And for knowledge if any one burns, We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet Who brings us unbounded returns:
For he can prophesy With a wink of his eye, Peep with security Into futurity, Sum up your history, Clear up a mystery, Humour proclivity For a nativity—for a nativity; With mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical, Bogies spectacular, Answers oracular, Facts astronomical, Solemn or comical, And, if you want it, he Makes a reduction on taking a quantity! Oh!
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
He can raise you hosts Of ghosts, And that without reflectors; And creepy things With wings, And gaunt and grisly spectres. He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly; He can rack your brains With chains, And gibberings grim and ghastly.
And then, if you plan it, he Changes organity, With an urbanity, Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity— Driving your foes to the verge of insanity!
Barring tautology, In demonology, 'Lectro-biology, Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High-class astrology, Such is his knowledge, he Isn't the man to require an apology!
Oh! My name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses And ever-filled purses, In prophecies, witches, and knells.
If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe!
ALEXIS I have sent for you to consult you on a very important matter. I believe you advertise a Patent Oxy-Hydrogen Love-at-first-sight Philtre? WELLS Sir, it is our leading article. (Producing a phial.) ALEXIS Now I want to know if you can confidently guarantee it as possessing all the qualities you claim for it in your advertisement? WELLS Sir, we are not in the habit of puffing our goods. Ours is an old-established house with a large family connection, and every assurance held out in the advertisement is fully realized. (Hurt) ALINE (aside) Oh, Alexis, don't offend him! He'll change us into something dreadful—I know he will! ALEXIS I am anxious from purely philanthropical motives to distribute this philtre, secretly, among the inhabitants of this village. I shall of course require a quantity. How do you sell it? WELLS In buying a quantity, sir, we should strongly advise your taking it in the wood, and drawing it off as you happen to want it. We have it in four-and-a-half and nine gallon casks—also in pipes and hogsheads for laying down, and we deduct 10 per cent from prompt cash. ALEXIS I should mention that I am a Member of the Army and
Navy Stores. WELLS In that case we deduct 25 percent. ALEXIS Aline, the villagers will assemble to carouse in a few minutes. Go and fetch the tea-pot. ALINE But, Alexis— ALEXIS My dear, you must obey me, if you please. Go and fetch the teapot. ALINE (going) I'm sure Dr. Daly would disapprove of it!
(Exit Aline.) ALEXIS And how soon does it take effect? WELLS In twelve hours. Whoever drinks of it loses consciousness for that period, and on waking falls in love, as a matter of course, with the first lady he meets who has also tasted it, and his affection is at once returned. One trial will prove the fact. Enter Aline with large tea-pot
ALEXIS Good: then, Mr. Wells, I shall feel obliged if you will at once pour as much philtre into this teapot as will suffice to affect the whole village. ALINE But bless me, Alexis, many of the villages are married people! WELLS Madam, this philtre is compounded on the strictest principles. On married people it has no effect whatever. But are you quite sure that you have nerve enough to carry you through the fearful ordeal? ALEXIS In the good cause I fear nothing. WELLS Very good, then, we will proceed at once to the Incantation. The stage grows dark.
INCANTATION
WELLS. Sprites of earth and air— Fiends of flame and fire— Demon souls, Come here in shoals, This dreaded deed inspire! Appear, appear, appear.
MALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
WELLS. Noisome hags of night— Imps of deadly shade— Pallid ghosts, Arise in hosts, And lend me all your aid. Appear, appear, appear!
FEMALE VOICES. Good master, we are here!
ALEXIS. (aside) Hark, they assemble, These fiends of the night! ALINE. (aside) Oh Alexis, I tremble, Seek safety in flight! ARIA - ALINE
Let us fly to a far-off land, Where peace and plenty dwell— Where the sigh of the silver strand Is echoed in every shell To the joy that land will give, On the wings of Love we'll fly; In innocence, there to live— In innocence there to die!
CHORUS OF SPIRITS.
Too late—too late It may not be! That happy fate Is not for (me/thee)!
ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. W.
Too late—too late, That may not be! That happy fate, Is not for thee!
MR. WELLS
Now shrivelled hags, with poison bags, Discharge your loathsome loads! Spit flame and fire, unholy choir! Belch forth your venom, toads! Ye demons fell, with yelp and yell, Shed curses far afield— Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight In noisome plenty yield!
WELLS (pouring phial into tea-pot—flash) Number One! CHORUS It is done! WELLS (same business) Number Two! (flash) CHORUS One too few! WELLS Number Three! (flash) CHORUS Set us free! Set us free-our work is done Ha! ha! ha! Set us free—our course is run! Ha! ha! ha!
ALINE AND ALEXIS (aside)
Let us fly to a far-off land, Where peace and plenty dwell— Where the sigh of the silver strand Is echoed in every shell. CHORUS OF FIENDS.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
(Stage grows light. Mr. Wells beckons villagers. Enter villagers and all the dramatis personae, dancing joyously. Mrs. Partlet and Mr. Wells then distribute tea-cups.)
CHORUS.
Now to the banquet we press; Now for the eggs, the ham; Now for the mustard and cress, Now for the strawberry jam!
Now for the tea of our host, Now for the rollicking bun, Now for the muffin and toast, Now for the gay Sally Lunn!
WOMEN. The eggs and the ham, and the strawberry jam!
MEN. The rollicking bun, and the gay Sally Lunn! The rollicking, rollicking bun!
RECITATIVE—SIR MARMADUKE
Be happy all—the feast is spread before ye; Fear nothing, but enjoy yourselves, I pray! Eat, aye, and drink—be merry, I implore ye, For once let thoughtless Folly rule the day.
TEA-CUP BRINDISI
Eat, drink, and be gay, Banish all worry and sorrow, Laugh gaily to-day, Weep, if you're sorry, to-morrow! Come, pass the cup around— I will go bail for the liquor; It's strong, I'll be bound, For it was brewed by the vicar!
CHORUS.
None so knowing as he At brewing a jorum of tea, Ha! ha! A pretty stiff jorum of tea.
TRIO—WELLS, ALINE, and ALEXIS. (aside)
See—see—they drink— All thoughts unheeding, The tea-cups clink, They are exceeding! Their hearts will melt In half-an-hour— Then will be felt The potions power!
(During this verse Constance has brought a small tea-pot, kettle, caddy, and cosy to Dr. Daly. He makes tea scientifically.)
BRINDISI, 2nd Verse—DR. DALY (with the tea-pot)
Pain, trouble, and care, Misery, heart-ache, and worry, Quick, out of your lair! Get you gone in a hurry! Toil, sorrow, and plot, Fly away quicker and quicker— Three spoons in the pot— That is the brew of your vicar!
CHORUS
None so cunning as he At brewing a jorum of tea, Ha! ha! A pretty stiff jorum of tea!
ENSEMBLE—ALEXIS and ALINE (aside)
Oh love, true love—unworldly, abiding! Source of all pleasure—true fountain of joy,— Oh love, true love—divinely confiding, Exquisite treasure that knows no alloy,— Oh love, true love, rich harvest of gladness, Peace-bearing tillage—great garner of bliss,— Oh love, true love, look down on our sadness — Dwell in this village—oh, hear us in this!
(It becomes evident by the strange conduct of the characters that the charm is working. All rub their eyes, and stagger about the stage as if under the influence of a narcotic.)
TUTTI (aside) ALEXIS, MR. WELLS and ALINE
Oh, marvellous illusion! A marvellous illusion! Oh, terrible surprise! A terrible surprise What is this strange confusion Excites a strange confusion That veils my aching eyes? Within their aching eyes— I must regain my senses, They must regain their senses, Restoring Reason's law, Restoring Reason's law, Or fearful inferences Or fearful inferences Society will draw! Society will draw!
(Those who have partaken of the philtre struggle in vain against its effects, and, at the end of the chorus, fall insensible on the stage.)
END OF ACT I
## ACT II
Scene—Exterior of Sir Marmaduke's mansion by moonlight. All the peasantry are discovered asleep on the ground, as at the end of
## Act I.
Enter Mr. Wells, on tiptoe, followed by Alexis and Aline. Mr. Wells carries a dark lantern.
TRIO—ALEXIS, ALINE, and MR. WELLS
'Tis twelve, I think, And at this mystic hour The magic drink Should manifest its power. Oh, slumbering forms, How little ye have guessed That fire that warms Each apathetic breast!
ALEX. But stay, my father is not here!
ALINE. And pray where is my mother dear?
MR. WELLS. I did not think it meet to see A dame of lengthy pedigree, A Baronet and K.C.B. A Doctor of Divinity, And that respectable Q.C., All fast asleep, al-fresco-ly, And so I had them taken home And put to bed respectably! I trust my conduct meets your approbation.
ALEX. Sir, you have acted with discrimination, And shown more delicate appreciation Than we expect of persons of your station.
MR. WELLS. But stay—they waken one by one — The spell has worked—the deed is done! I would suggest that we retire While Love, the Housemaid, lights her kitchen fire!
(Exeunt Mr. Wells, Alexis and Aline, on tiptoe, as the villagers stretch their arms, yawn, rub their eyes, and sit up.)
MEN. Why, where be oi, and what be oi a doin', A sleepin' out, just when the dews du rise? GIRLS. Why, that's the very way your health to ruin, And don't seem quite respectable likewise! MEN. (staring at girls) Eh, that's you! Only think o' that now! GIRLS. (coyly) What may you be at, now? Tell me, du! MEN. (admiringly) Eh, what a nose, And eh, what eyes, miss! Lips like a rose, And cheeks likewise, miss! GIRLS. (coyly) Oi tell you true, Which I've never done, sir, Oi loike you As I never loiked none, sir! ALL. Eh, but oi du loike you! MEN. If you'll marry me, I'll dig for you and rake for you! GIRLS. If you'll marry be, I'll scrub for you and bake for you! MEN. If you'll marry me, all others I'll forsake for you! ALL. All this will I du, if you marry me! GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll cook for you and brew for you! MEN. If you'll marry me, I've guineas not a few for you! GIRLS. If you'll marry me, I'll take you in and du for you! ALL. All this will I du, if you'll marry me! Eh, but I do loike you!
Country Dance
(At end of dance, enter Constance in tears, leading Notary, who carries an ear-trumpet)
Aria—CONSTANCE
Dear friends, take pity on my lot, My cup is not of nectar! I long have loved—as who would not?— Our kind and reverend rector. Long years ago my love began So sweetly—yet so sadly— But when I saw this plain old man, Away my old affection ran— I found I loved him madly. Oh!
(To Notary) You very, very plain old man, I love, I love you madly! CHORUS. You very, very plain old man, She loves, she loves you madly! NOTARY. I am a very deaf old man, And hear you very badly!
CONST. I know not why I love him so; It is enchantment, surely! He's dry and snuffy, deaf and slow Ill-tempered, weak and poorly! He's ugly, and absurdly dressed, And sixty-seven nearly, He's everything that I detest, But if the truth must be confessed, I love him very dearly! Oh!
(To Notary) You're everything that I detest, But still I love you dearly!
CHORUS. You've everything that girls detest, But still she loves you dearly!
NOTARY. I caught that line, but for the rest, I did not hear it clearly!
(During this verse Aline and Alexis have entered at back unobserved.)
ALINE AND ALEXIS
ALEX Oh joy! oh joy! The charm works well, And all are now united.
ALINE. The blind young boy Obeys the spell, And troth they all have plighted!
ENSEMBLE
Aline & Alexis Constance Notary
Oh joy! oh joy! Oh, bitter joy! Oh joy! oh joy! The charm works well, No words can tell No words can tell And all are now united! How my poor heart My state of mind The blind young boy is blighted! delighted. Obeys the spell, They'll soon employ They'll soon employ A marriage bell, A marriage bell, Their troth they all To say that we're To say that we're have plighted. united. united. True happiness I do confess True happiness Reigns everywhere, A sorrow rare Reigns everywhere And dwells with both My humbled spirit And dwells with both the sexes. vexes. the sexes, And all will bless And none will bless And all will bless The thoughtful care Example rare Example rare Of their beloved Of their beloved Of their beloved Alexis! Alexis! Alexis! (All, except Alexis and Aline, exeunt lovingly.)
ALINE How joyful they all seem in their new-found happiness! The whole village has paired off in the happiest manner. And yet not a match has been made that the hollow world would not consider ill-advised! ALEXIS But we are wiser—far wiser—than the world. Observe the good that will become of these ill-assorted unions. The miserly wife will check the reckless expenditure of her too frivolous consort, the wealthy husband will shower innumerable bonnets on his penniless bride, and the young and lively spouse will cheer the declining days of her aged partner with comic songs unceasing! ALINE What a delightful prospect for him! ALEXIS But one thing remains to be done, that my happiness may be complete. We must drink the philtre ourselves, that I may be assured of your love for ever and ever. ALINE Oh, Alexis, do you doubt me? Is it necessary that such love as ours should be secured by artificial means? Oh, no, no, no! ALEXIS My dear Aline, time works terrible changes, and I want to place our love beyond the chance of change. ALINE Alexis, it is already far beyond that chance. Have faith in me, for my love can never, never change! ALEXIS Then you absolutely refuse? ALINE I do. If you cannot trust me, you have no right to love me—no right to be loved by me. ALEXIS Enough, Aline, I shall know how to interpret this refusal.
BALLAD—ALEXIS
Thou hast the power thy vaunted love To sanctify, all doubt above, Despite the gathering shade: To make that love of thine so sure That, come what may, it must endure Till time itself shall fade. They love is but a flower That fades within the hour! If such thy love, oh, shame! Call it by other name— It is not love!
Thine is the power and thine alone, To place me on so proud a throne That kings might envy me! A priceless throne of love untold, More rare than orient pearl and gold. But no! Thou wouldst be free! Such love is like the ray That dies within the day: If such thy love, oh, shame! Call it by other name— It is not love!
Enter Dr. Daly.