Part 3

Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, But of pleasures there are many and of worries there are none; And the culminating pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

CHORUS. Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.

(Exeunt all but Marco and Giuseppe.)

GIU. Yes, it really is a very pleasant existence. They're all so singularly kind and considerate. You don't find them wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's my turn now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and never seem to grudge it. MAR. It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like taking advantage of their good nature. GIU. How nice they were about the double rations. MAR. Most considerate. Ah! there's only one thing wanting to make us thoroughly comfortable. GIU. And that is? MAR. The dear little wives we left behind us three months ago. GIU. Yes, it is dull without female society. We can do without everything else, but we can't do without that. MAR. And if we have that in perfection, we have everything. There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.

SONG—MARCO.

Take a pair of sparkling eyes, Hidden, ever and anon, In a merciful eclipse— Do not heed their mild surprise— Having passed the Rubicon, Take a pair of rosy lips; Take a figure trimly planned— Such as admiration whets— (Be particular in this); Take a tender little hand, Fringed with dainty fingerettes, Press it—in parenthesis;— Ah! Take all these, you lucky man— Take and keep them, if you can!

Take a pretty little cot— Quite a miniature affair— Hung about with trellised vine, Furnish it upon the spot With the treasures rich and rare I've endeavoured to define. Live to love and love to live— You will ripen at your ease, Growing on the sunny side— Fate has nothing more to give. You're a dainty man to please If you are not satisfied. Ah! Take my counsel, happy man; Act upon it, if you can!

(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta and Vittoria. They are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcome them heartily.)

SCENE—CHORUS OF GIRLS, QUARTET, DUET and CHORUS.

Here we are, at the risk of our lives, From ever so far, and we've brought your wives— And to that end we've crossed the main, And don't intend to return again!

FIA. Though obedience is strong, Curiosity's stronger— We waited for long, Till we couldn't wait longer.

VIT. It's imprudent, we know, But without your society Existence was slow, And we wanted variety—

BOTH. Existence was slow, and we wanted variety.

ALL. So here we are, at the risk of our lives, From ever so far, and we've brought your wives— And to that end we've crossed the main, And don't intend to return again!

(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco and Giuseppe.)

GIU. Tessa! TESS. Giuseppe! {All embrace.} GIA. Marco! MAR. Gianetta!

TESSA and GIANETTA.

TESS. After sailing to this island— GIA. Tossing in a manner frightful, TESS. We are all once more on dry land— GIA. And we find the change delightful, TESS. As at home we've been remaining— We've not seen you both for ages, GIA. Tell me, are you fond of reigning?— How's the food, and what's the wages? TESS. Does your new employment please ye?— GIA. How does Royalizing strike you? TESS. Is it difficult or easy?— GIA. Do you think your subjects like you? TESS. I am anxious to elicit, Is it plain and easy steering? GIA. Take it altogether, is it Better fun than gondoliering? BOTH. We shall both go on requesting Till you tell us, never doubt it; Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

TESS. Is the populace exacting? GIA. Do they keep you at a distance? TESS. All unaided are you acting, GIA. Or do they provide assistance? TESS. When you're busy, have you got to Get up early in the morning? GIA. If you do what you ought not to, Do they give the usual warning? TESS. With a horse do they equip you? GIA. Lots of trumpeting and drumming? TESS. Do the Royal tradesmen tip you? GIA. Ain't the livery becoming! TESS. Does your human being inner Feed on everything that nice is? GIA. Do they give you wine for dinner; Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices? BOTH. We shall both go on requesting Till you tell us, never doubt it; Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise! TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta, "I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or patch their clothes—at least, I hope they haven't—let us all pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she said, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the sea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are, and—and—I've done! GIA. And now—which of you is King? TESS. And which of us is Queen? GIU. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But never mind that—the question is, how shall we celebrate the commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to offer you a magnificent banquet? ALL. We will! GIU. Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a dance? TESS. A banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness!

CHORUS and DANCE.

Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero, Xeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero— Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances! To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter, And the clitter-clitter-clitter-clatter— Clitter—clitter—clatter, Pitter—pitter—patter, Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance. Old Xeres we'll drink—Manzanilla, Montero; For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

(Cachucha.)

(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don Alhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppe appear embarrassed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who is driven off by Don Alhambra.)

DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball? GIU. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's all. Sorry you're late. DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman! MAR. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman. DON AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy! GIU. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy. DON AL. But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place for these gentry? GIU. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall. It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office. MAR. We really must have some place that we can call our own. DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. GIU. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on Republican principles. DON AL. What! GIU. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the head of his department. DON AL. I see. MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed. DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I expected. GIU. I'm awfully sorry. MAR. So am I. GIU. By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage? A plate of macaroni and a rusk? DON AL. (preoccupied). No, no—nothing—nothing. GIU. Obliged to be careful? DON AL. Yes—gout. You see, in every Court there are distinctions that must be observed. GIU. (puzzled). There are, are there? DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook. MAR. Why not? DON AL. Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a personage of great dignity, who should never, under any circumstances, place himself in the position of being told to tuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. A Lord High Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen, certainly not a cook. GIU. Not even a Lord High Cook? DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is not recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.

SONG—DON ALHAMBRA, with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

DON AL. There lived a King, as I've been told, In the wonder-working days of old, When hearts were twice as good as gold, And twenty times as mellow. Good-temper triumphed in his face, And in his heart he found a place For all the erring human race And every wretched fellow. When he had Rhenish wine to drink It made him very sad to think That some, at junket or at jink, Must be content with toddy.

MAR. and GIU. With toddy, must be content with toddy.

DON AL. He wished all men as rich as he (And he was rich as rich could be), So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody.

MAR. and GIU. Now, that's the kind of King for me. He wished all men as rich as he, So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody!

DON AL. Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats, And Bishops in their shovel hats Were plentiful as tabby cats— In point of fact, too many. Ambassadors cropped up like hay, Prime Ministers and such as they Grew like asparagus in May, And Dukes were three a penny. On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed, With Admirals the ocean teemed All round his wide dominions.

MAR. and GIU. With Admirals all round his wide dominions.

DON AL. And Party Leaders you might meet In twos and threes in every street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions.

MAR. and GIU. Now that's a sight you couldn't beat— Two Party Leaders in each street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions.

DON AL. That King, although no one denies His heart was of abnormal size, Yet he'd have acted otherwise If he had been acuter. The end is easily foretold, When every blessed thing you hold Is made of silver, or of gold, You long for simple pewter. When you have nothing else to wear But cloth of gold and satins rare, For cloth of gold you cease to care— Up goes the price of shoddy.

MAR. and GIU. Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.

DON AL. In short, whoever you may be, To this conclusion you'll agree, When every one is somebodee, Then no one's anybody!

MAR. and GIU. Now that's as plain as plain can be, To this conclusion we agree—

ALL. When every one is somebodee, Then no one's anybody!

(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)

DON AL. And now I have some important news to communicate. His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and their beautiful daughter Casilda—I say their beautiful daughter Casilda— GIU. We heard you. DON AL. Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any moment. MAR. The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us. DON AL. But the daughter—the beautiful daughter! Aha! Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you! GIU. I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman. DON AL. Not a bit—I'll explain. Many years ago when you (whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart. MAR. Married when a baby! GIU. But we were married three months ago! DON AL. One of you—only one. The other (whichever it is) is an unintentional bigamist. GIA. and TESS. (coming forward). Well, upon my word! DON AL. Eh? Who are these young people? TESS. Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just arrived. DON AL. Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate! Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her Majesty say? GIA. And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was already married? TESS. And that neither of us will be a Queen? DON AL. That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and Gianetta begin to cry.) GIU. (to Tessa). Tessa, my dear, dear child— TESS. Get away! perhaps it's you! MAR. (to Gia.). My poor, poor little woman! GIA. Don't! Who knows whose husband you are? TESS. And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before they left Venice? DON AL. Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating and utterly irresistible little ladies! TESS. There's something in that. DON AL. I may mention that you will not be kept long in suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her. GIU. Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out of her suspense? DON AL. Oh no—there's no hurry—she's all right. She has all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good evening! (Exit Don Alhambra.) GIA. Well, here's a pleasant state of things! MAR. Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies, and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young lady whom nobody can identify! GIA. And one of us is married to one of you, and the other is married to nobody. TESS. But which of you is married to which of us, and what's to become of the other? (About to cry.) GIU. It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have managed to acquire three wives. Three wives—two husbands. (Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife. TESS. O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction! GIU. You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction. MAR. We are getting rather mixed. The situation is entangled. Let's try and comb it out.

QUARTET—MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA.

In a contemplative fashion, And a tranquil frame of mind, Free from every kind of passion, Some solution let us find. Let us grasp the situation, Solve the complicated plot— Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot.

TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded— THE OTHERS. In a contemplative That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion, etc. He is rather dunder-headed. Still distinctly, he's a duck.

GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp the Marco married - that is clear. situation, etc. He's particularly stupid, Still distinctly, he's a dear.

MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a contemplative I can prove it in a trice: fashion, etc. Though her charms are overrated, Still I own she's rather nice.

GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us grasp the All at once a victim fell. situation, etc. She is what is called a silly, Still she answers pretty well.

MAR. Now when we were pretty babies Some one married us, that's clear—

GIA. And if I can catch her I'll pinch her and scratch her And send her away with a flea in her ear.

GIU. He whom that young lady married, To receive her can't refuse.

TESS. If I overtake her I'll warrant I'll make her To shake in her aristocratical shoes!

GIA. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe You and he will have to part—

TESS. (to Gia.). If I have to do it I'll warrant she'll rue it— I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart!

TESS. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco You're a spinster, that is plain—

GIA. (to Tess.). No matter—no matter. If I can get at her I doubt if her mother will know her again!

ALL. Quiet, calm deliberation Disentangles every knot!

(Exeunt, pondering.)

(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of Duke, Duchess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with the utmost magnificence.) CHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and DUCHESS.

With ducal pomp and ducal pride (Announce these comers, O ye kettle-drummers!) Comes Barataria's high-born bride. (Ye sounding cymbals clang!) She comes to claim the Royal hand— (Proclaim their Graces, O ye double basses!) Of the King who rules this goodly land. (Ye brazen brasses bang!)

DUKE and This polite attention touches DUCH. Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess Who resign their pet With profound regret. She of beauty was a model When a tiny tiddle-toddle, And at twenty-one She's excelled by none!

CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.

DUKE (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majesty that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and begs— CAS. Desires— DUCH. Demands— DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) And now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were united under such interesting and romantic circumstances. CAS. But which is it? There are two of them! DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double gentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single gentleman—thus presenting a unique example of an individual who becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation. DUCH. (severely). I have known instances in which the characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the same individual. DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro. DUCH. Oh! couldn't he, though! CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband. DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to it. DUCH. I loved your father. DUKE. My love—that remark is a little hard, I think? Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to believe? DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself, "That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my relations bet me I couldn't, but I did—desperately!

SONG—DUCHESS.

On the day when I was wedded To your admirable sire, I acknowledge that I dreaded An explosion of his ire. I was overcome with panic— For his temper was volcanic, And I didn't dare revolt, For I feared a thunderbolt! I was always very wary, For his fury was ecstatic— His refined vocabulary Most unpleasantly emphatic. To the thunder Of this Tartar I knocked under Like a martyr; When intently He was fuming, I was gently Unassuming— When reviling Me completely, I was smiling Very sweetly: Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst— That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor—at first! But I found that a reliance On my threatening appearance, And a resolute defiance Of marital interference, And a gentle intimation Of my firm determination To see what I could do To be wife and husband too Was the only thing required For to make his temper supple, And you couldn't have desired A more reciprocating couple. Ever willing To be wooing, We were billing— We were cooing; When I merely From him parted, We were nearly Broken-hearted— When in sequel Reunited, We were equal- Ly delighted. So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast, I tamed your insignificant progenitor—at last!

CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady family he has married into he will repudiate the contract altogether. DUKE. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who can look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every nobleman who is ninety-five quarters in arrear—I mean, who can look back upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated at a premium! Oh fie! DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over and over again. DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of being applied for over and over again—and very urgently applied for, too—long before he was registered under the Limited Liability Act.

RECITATIVE—DUKE.

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment, Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment; Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative: The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.

DUET—DUKE and DUCHESS.

DUKE. Small titles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get—and they're highly delighted—

DUCH. They're highly delighted!

DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted—

DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted.

DUKE. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying: It adds a large sum to my makings—

DUCH. Large sums to his makings.

DUKE. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent on the takings—

DUCH. One-tenth of the takings.

DUCH. I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety—

DUKE. Doubtful propriety.

DUCH. When Virtue would quash her, I take and whitewash her, And launch her in first-rate society—

DUKE. First-rate society!

DUCH. I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers— Their fit and their finishing touches—

DUKE. Their finishing touches.

DUCH. A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess—

DUKE. They make for the Duchess!

DUKE. Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel—

DUCH. Their great double-barrel—

DUKE. I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel—

DUCH. Such wearing apparel!

DUKE. I sit, by selection, Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble—

DUCH. All Companies bubble!

DUKE. As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted— I'm pretty well paid for my trouble—

DUCH. He's paid for his trouble!

DUCH. At middle-class party I play at ecarte— And I'm by no means a beginner—

DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner.

DUCH. To one of my station The remuneration— Five guineas a night and my dinner—

DUKE. And wine with her dinner.

DUCH. I write letters blatant On medicines patent— And use any other you mustn't—

DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't—

DUCH. And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap—which it doesn't—

DUKE. (significantly). It certainly doesn't!

DUKE. We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment—

DUCH. A place or preferment.

DUCH. We're often in waiting At junket or feting, And sometimes attend an interment—

DUKE. We enjoy an interment.

BOTH. In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches— Yes; into your clutches. Or hoodwink a debtor, You cannot do better

DUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess—

DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess!

(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)

DUKE. Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows with great ceremony.) MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe? DUKE. The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to imitate him.) Allow me to present— GIU. The young lady one of us married?

(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casilda curtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.)