Part 15
YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very happiest girl in Japan! PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection. YUM. In "all but" perfection? PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know. PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends! PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback. PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends! YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to be—to be— PEEP. Cut short. YUM. Well, cut short—in a month, can't you let me forget it? (Weeping.)
Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.
NANK. Yum-Yum in tears—and on her wedding morn! YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.) PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be beheaded. (Bursts into tears.) PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.) NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well, what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day? PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect. NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a minute—each minute an hour—each hour a day—and each day a year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness before us! PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted four hours and three-quarters! [Exit Peep-Bo. YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself! NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be downhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud. YUM. Certainly. Let's—let's be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.) GO-TO. By all means. Let's—let's thoroughly enjoy ourselves. PITTI. It's—it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.) YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL.
YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSH
Brightly dawns our wedding day; Joyous hour, we give thee greeting! Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment, prithee stay! What though mortal joys be hollow? Pleasures come, if sorrows follow: Though the tocsin sound, ere long, Ding dong! Ding dong! Yet until the shadows fall Over one and over all, Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal!
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear, Though the hours are surely creeping Little need for woeful weeping, Till the sad sundown is near. All must sip the cup of sorrow— I to-day and thou to-morrow; This the close of every song— Ding dong! Ding dong! What, though solemn shadows fall, Sooner, later, over all? Sing a merry madrigal— A madrigal!
Fal-la—fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and Pish-Tush.
(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases Yum-Yum.)
KO. Go on—don't mind me. NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you. KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist. (Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first. YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together! KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder. NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.) KO. I am much obliged to you. Now—kiss her! (He does so. Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you—it's simple torture! YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month. KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes. NANK. and YUM. What do you mean? KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child—my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been? YUM. (delighted). Was to have been? KO. Yes, you never can be mine! NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so glad! KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive. NANK. and YUM. Buried alive! KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death. NANK. But whom did you get that from? KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor. YUM. But he may be mistaken! KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life! NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force. KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt. NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end! YUM. Darling—I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart—I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody else half as much—but when I agreed to marry you—my own—I had no idea—pet—that I should have to be buried alive in a month! NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it! YUM. It—it makes a difference, doesn't it? NANK. It does make a difference, of course. YUM. You see—burial alive—it's such a stuffy death! NANK. I call it a beast of a death. YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you? NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO.—YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.
YUM. Here's a how-de-do! If I marry you, When your time has come to perish, Then the maiden whom you cherish Must be slaughtered, too! Here's a how-de-do!
NANK. Here's a pretty mess! In a month, or less, I must die without a wedding! Let the bitter tears I'm shedding Witness my distress, Here's a pretty mess!
KO. Here's a state of things To her life she clings! Matrimonial devotion Doesn't seem to suit her notion— Burial it brings! Here's a state of things!
ENSEMBLE
YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.
With a passion that's intense With a passion that's intense I worship and adore, You worship and adore, But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore. If what he says is true, If what I say is true, 'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry you! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty how-de-do!
[Exit Yum-Yum.
KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very sorry for you. NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are. KO. You see I'm quite helpless. NANK. I quite see that. KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be disappointed of a wedding—you shall come to mine. NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible. KO. Why so? NANK. To-day I die. KO. What do you mean? NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch. KO. No, no—pardon me—I can't allow that. NANK. Why not? KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in your place! NANK. It would certainly seem so!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it? POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes. KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know—this is getting serious—a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner. NANK. Very well, then—behead me. KO. What, now? NANK. Certainly; at once. POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off! KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle! POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner—— KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you—I can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.) NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done. KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure about that! NANK. What do you mean? KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses—the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police. NANK. But where are they? KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it—won't you? (To Pooh-Bah.) POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety? KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual. POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date? KO. It will be a ready-money transaction. POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it! (Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck? NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum—— KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy? YUM. Not particularly. KO. You've five minutes to spare? YUM. Yes. KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he'll marry you at once. YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive? KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all. NANK. But one moment—— KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.—Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.
("March of the Mikado's troops.")
CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama, On n'm-ma no maye ni Pira-Pira suru no wa Nan gia na Toko tonyare tonyare na?
DUET—MIKADO and KATISHA.
MIK. From every kind of man Obedience I expect; I'm the Emperor of Japan—
KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect! He'll marry his son (He's only got one) To his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My morals have been declared
## Particularly correct;
KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared With those of his daughter-in-law elect! Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect.
MIK. In a fatherly kind of way I govern each tribe and sect, All cheerfully own my sway—
KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect! As tough as a bone, With a will of her own, Is his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My nature is love and light— My freedom from all defect—
KAT. Is insignificant quite, Compared with his daughter-in-law elect! Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow—Bow— To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG—MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist, To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist. It is my very humane endeavour To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time— To let the punishment fit the crime— The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment! Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten till four. The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies All desire to shirk, Shall, during off-hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figure, Is painted with vigour With permanent walnut juice. The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window-panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies With tales of countless cures, His teeth, I've enacted, Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs. The music-hall singer attends a series Of masses and fugues and "ops" By Bach, interwoven With Spohr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp who any one catches, His doom's extremely hard— He's made to dwell— In a dungeon cell On a spot that's always barred. And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls On a cloth untrue With a twisted cue And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel
(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)
KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit—your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place. MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you? KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate. POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.) MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) "At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front——" POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them myself. MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the performance. KO. A tough fellow he was, too—a man of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene. MIK. Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.
KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.
KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down, In a state of wild alarm— With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown, I bared my big right arm. I seized him by his little pig-tail, And on his knees fell he, As he squirmed and struggled, And gurgled and guggled, I drew my snickersnee! Oh, never shall I Forget the cry, Or the shriek that shrieked he, As I gnashed my teeth, When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee!
CHORUS.
We know him well, He cannot tell Untrue or groundless tales— He always tries To utter lies, And every time he fails.
PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign For the stroke he didn't deserve; When all of a sudden his eye met mine, And it seemed to brace his nerve; For he nodded his head and kissed his hand, And he whistled an air, did he, As the sabre true Cut cleanly through His cervical vertebrae!
When a man's afraid, A beautiful maid Is a cheering sight to see; And it's oh, I'm glad That moment sad Was soothed by sight of me!
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale You can't assail, With truth it quite agrees: Her taste exact For faultless fact Amounts to a disease.
POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead (For its owner dead was he), It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred, And bowed three times to me! It was none of your impudent off-hand nods, But as humble as could be; For it clearly knew The deference due To a man of pedigree! And it's oh, I vow, This deathly bow Was a touching sight to see; Though trunkless, yet It couldn't forget The deference due to me!
CHORUS.
This haughty youth, He speaks the truth Whenever he finds it pays: And in this case It all took place Exactly as he says! [Exeunt Chorus.
MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our Imperial Court. KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position? KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him—yet he fled! POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely! KAT. That's not true. POOH. No! KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to be sought. My face is unattractive! POOH. It is. KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist. POOH. Allow me! KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world. KO. And yet he fled! MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone. KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone! MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of—— KAT. Nanki-Poo. MIK. Nanki-Poo. KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, he's gone abroad! MIK. Gone abroad! His address. KO. Knightsbridge! KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha! MIK. What's the matter? KAT. See here—his name—Nanki-Poo—beheaded this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees.
MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan! KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology. POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret. PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion— MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don't distress yourself—it was no fault of yours. If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.) KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty—— PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty. POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty. MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell? POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman really was. PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know. KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha! MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent. KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret—I'm not a bit angry. KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea—— MIK. Of course—— PITTI. I knew nothing about it. POOH. I wasn't there. MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent." There's not a word about a mistake—— KO., PITTI., and POOH. No! MIK. Or not knowing—— KO. No! MIK. Or having no notion—— PITTI. No! MIK. Or not being there—— POOH. No! MIK. There should be, of course—- KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes! MIK. But there isn't. KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh! MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution—will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then? KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes—we can wait till then! MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon. POOH. I don't want any lunch. MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,
MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot, For A is happy—B is not. Yet B is worthy, I dare say, Of more prosperity than A! KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy? KAT. I should say He's worth a great deal more than A. ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! Ever joyous, ever gay, Happy, undeserving A! KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune—which I'm not— B should enjoy A's happy lot, And A should die in miserie— That is, assuming I am B. MIK. and KAT. But should A perish? KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be (Of course, assuming I am B). B should be happy! Oh, so happy! Laughing, Ha! ha! Chaffing, Ha! ha! Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha! But condemned to die is he, Wretched meritorious B!
[Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.