Part 6
When you find you're a broken-down critter, Who is all of a trimmle and twitter, With your palate unpleasantly bitter, As if you'd just eaten a pill— When your legs are as thin as dividers, And you're plagued with unruly insiders, And your spine is all creepy with spiders, And you're highly gamboge in the gill— When you've got a beehive in your head, And a sewing machine in each ear, And you feel that you've eaten your bed, And you've got a bad headache down here— When such facts are about, And these symptoms you find In your body or crown— Well, you'd better look out, You may make up your mind You had better lie down!
When your lips are all smeary—like tallow, And your tongue is decidedly yallow, With a pint of warm oil in your swallow, And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest— When you're down in the mouth with the vapours, And all over your Morris wall-papers Black-beetles are cutting their capers, And crawly things never at rest— When you doubt if your head is your own, And you jump when an open door slams— Then you've got to a state which is known To the medical world as "jim-jams" If such symptoms you find In your body or head, They're not easy to quell— You may make up your mind You are better in bed, For you're not at all well!
(Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well.)
Enter LUDWIG.
LUD. Now for my confession and full pardon. They told me the Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market-place, but I don't see him. (Sees RUDOLPH.) Hallo! Who's this? (Aside.) Why, it is the Grand Duke! RUD. (sobbing). Who are you, sir, who presume to address me in person? If you've anything to communicate, you must fling yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain, who will fling himself at the feet of his immediate superior, and so on, with successive foot-flingings through the various grades—your communication will, in course of time, come to my august knowledge. LUD. But when I inform your Highness that in me you see the most unhappy, the most unfortunate, the most completely miserable man in your whole dominion— RUD. (still sobbing). You the most miserable man in my whole dominion? How can you have the face to stand there and say such a thing? Why, look at me! Look at me! (Bursts into tears.) LUD. Well, I wouldn't be a cry-baby. RUD. A cry-baby? If you had just been told that you were going to be deposed to-morrow, and perhaps blown up with dynamite for all I know, wouldn't you be a cry-baby? I do declare if I could only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting an end to an existence which has become insupportable, I would unhesitatingly adopt it! LUD. You would? (Aside.) I see a magnificent way out of this! By Jupiter, I'll try it! (Aloud.) Are you, by any chance, in earnest? RUD. In earnest? Why, look at me! LUD. If you are really in earnest—if you really desire to escape scot-free from this impending—this unspeakably horrible catastrophe—without trouble, danger, pain, or expense—why not resort to a Statutory Duel? RUD. A Statutory Duel? LUD. Yes. The Act is still in force, but it will expire to-morrow afternoon. You fight—you lose—you are dead for a day. To-morrow, when the Act expires, you will come to life again and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened. In the meantime, the explosion will have taken place and the survivor will have had to bear the brunt of it. RUD. Yes, that's all very well, but who'll be fool enough to be the survivor? LUD. (kneeling). Actuated by an overwhelming sense of attachment to your Grand Ducal person, I unhesitatingly offer myself as the victim of your subjects' fury. RUD. You do? Well, really that's very handsome. I daresay being blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think. LUD. Oh, yes it is. It mixes one up, awfully! RUD. But suppose I were to lose? LUD. Oh, that's easily arranged. (Producing cards.) I'll put an Ace up my sleeve—you'll put a King up yours. When the drawing takes place, I shall seem to draw the higher card and you the lower. And there you are! RUD. Oh, but that's cheating. LUD. So it is. I never thought of that. (Going.) RUD. (hastily). Not that I mind. But I say—you won't take an unfair advantage of your day of office? You won't go tipping people, or squandering my little savings in fireworks, or any nonsense of that sort? LUD. I am hurt—really hurt—by the suggestion. RUD. You—you wouldn't like to put down a deposit, perhaps? LUD. No. I don't think I should like to put down a deposit. RUD. Or give a guarantee? LUD. A guarantee would be equally open to objection. RUD. It would be more regular. Very well, I suppose you must have your own way. LUD. Good. I say—we must have a devil of a quarrel! RUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! LUD. Just to give colour to the thing. Shall I give you a sound thrashing before all the people? Say the word—it's no trouble. RUD. No, I think not, though it would be very convincing and it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it. Still, a devil of a quarrel! LUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! RUD. No half measures. Big words—strong language—rude remarks. Oh, a devil of a quarrel! LUD. Now the question is, how shall we summon the people? RUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. Bless your heart, they've been staring at us through those windows for the last half-hour!
FINALE.
RUD. Come hither, all you people— When you hear the fearful news, All the pretty women weep'll, Men will shiver in their shoes.
LUD. And they'll all cry "Lord, defend us!" When they learn the fact tremendous That to give this man his gruel In a Statutory Duel—
BOTH. This plebeian man of shoddy— This contemptible nobody— Your Grand Duke does not refuse!
(During this, Chorus of men and women have entered, all trembling with apprehension under the impression that they are to be arrested for their complicity in the conspiracy.)
CHORUS.
With faltering feet, And our muscles in a quiver, Our fate we meet With our feelings all unstrung! If our plot complete He has managed to diskiver, There is no retreat— We shall certainly be hung!
RUD. (aside to LUDWIG). Now you begin and pitch it strong—walk into me abusively—
LUD. (aside to RUDOLPH). I've several epithets that I've reserved for you exclusively. A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.
RUD. Now you begin
LUD. No, you begin—
RUD. No, you begin—
LUD. No, you begin!
CHORUS (trembling). Has it happed as we expected? Is our little plot detected?
DUET—RUDOLPH and LUDWIG
RUD. (furiously). Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones! Put him in a pillory! Rack him with artillery!
LUD. (furiously). Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones! Fright him into fits! Blow him into bits!
RUD. You muff, sir!
LUD. You lout, sir!
RUD. Enough, sir!
LUD. Get out, sir! (Pushes him.)
RUD. A hit, sir?
LUD. Take that, sir! (Slaps him.)
RUD. It's tit, sir,
LUD. For tat, sir!
CHORUS (appalled). When two doughty heroes thunder, All the world is lost in wonder; When such men their temper lose, Awful are the words they use!
LUD. Tall snobs, small snobs, rich snobs and needy ones!
RUD. (jostling him). Whom are you alluding to?
LUD. (jostling him). Where are you intruding to?
RUD. Fat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones!
LUD. I rather think you err. To whom do you refer?
RUD. To you, sir!
LUD. To me, sir?
RUD. I do, sir!
LUD. We'll see, sir!
RUD. I jeer, sir! (Makes a face at LUDWIG.) Grimace, sir!
LUD. Look here, sir— (Makes a face at RUDOLPH.) A face, sir!
CHORUS (appalled). When two heroes, once pacific, Quarrel, the effect's terrific! What a horrible grimace! What a paralysing face!
ALL. Big bombs, small bombs, etc.
LUD. and RUD. (recit.). He has insulted me, and, in a breath, This day we fight a duel to the death!
NOT. (checking them). You mean, of course, by duel (verbum sat.), A Statutory Duel.
ALL. Why, what's that?
NOT. According to established legal uses, A card apiece each bold disputant chooses— Dead as a doornail is the dog who loses— The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!
ALL. The winner steps into the dead man's shoeses!
RUD. and Lud. Agreed! Agreed!
RUD. Come, come—the pack!
LUD. (producing one). Behold it here!
RUD. I'm on the rack!
LUD. I quake with fear!
(NOTARY offers card to LUDWIG.)
LUD. First draw to you!
RUD. If that's the case, Behold the King! (Drawing card from his sleeve.)
LUD. (same business). Behold the Ace!
CHORUS. Hurrah, hurrah! Our Ludwig's won And wicked Rudolph's course is run— So Ludwig will as Grand Duke reign Till Rudolph comes to life again—
RUD. Which will occur to-morrow! I come to life to-morrow!
GRET. (with mocking curtsey). My Lord Grand Duke, farewell! A pleasant journey, very, To your convenient cell In yonder cemetery!
LISA (curtseying). Though malcontents abuse you, We're much distressed to lose you! You were, when you were living, So liberal, so forgiving!
BERTHA. So merciful, so gentle! So highly ormamental!
OLGA. And now that you've departed, You leave us broken-hearted!
ALL (pretending to weep). Yes, truly, truly, truly, truly— Truly broken-hearted! Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! (Mocking him.)
RUD. (furious). Rapscallions, in penitential fires, You'll rue the ribaldry that from you falls! To-morrow afternoon the law expires. And then—look out for squalls! [Exit RUDOLPH, amid general ridicule.
CHORUS. Give thanks, give thanks to wayward fate— By mystic fortune's sway, Our Ludwig guides the helm of State For one delightful day!
(To LUDWIG.) We hail you, sir! We greet you, sir! Regale you, sir! We treat you, sir! Our ruler be By fate's decree For one delightful day!
NOT. You've done it neatly! Pity that your powers Are limited to four-and-twenty hours!
LUD. No matter, though the time will quickly run, In hours twenty-four much may be done!
SONG—LUDWIG.
Oh, a Monarch who boasts intellectual graces Can do, if he likes, a good deal in a day— He can put all his friends in conspicuous places, With plenty to eat and with nothing to pay! You'll tell me, no doubt, with unpleasant grimaces, To-morrow, deprived of your ribbons and laces, You'll get your dismissal—with very long faces— But wait! on that topic I've something to say! (Dancing.) I've something to say—I've something to say—I've something to say! Oh, our rule shall be merry—I'm not an ascetic— And while the sun shines we will get up our hay— By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic, A very great deal may be done in a day!
CHORUS. Oh, his rule will be merry, etc.
(During this, LUDWIG whispers to NOTARY, who writes.)
For instance, this measure (his ancestor drew it), (alluding to NOTARY) This law against duels—to-morrow will die— The Duke will revive, and you'll certainly rue it— He'll give you "what for" and he'll let you know why! But in twenty-four hours there's time to renew it— With a century's life I've the right to imbue it— It's easy to do—and, by Jingo, I'll do it!
(Signing paper, which NOTARY presents.)
It's done! Till I perish your Monarch am I! Your Monarch am I—your Monarch am I—your Monarch am I! Though I do not pretend to be very prophetic, I fancy I know what you're going to say— By a pushing young Monarch, of turn energetic, A very great deal may be done in a day!
ALL (astonished). Oh, it's simply uncanny, his power prophetic— It's perfectly right—we were going to say, By a pushing, etc.
Enter JULIA, at back.
LUD. (recit.). This very afternoon—at two (about)— The Court appointments will be given out. To each and all (for that was the condition) According to professional position!
ALL. Hurrah!
JULIA (coming forward). According to professional position?
LUD. According to professional position!
JULIA Then, horror!
ALL. Why, what's the matter? What's the matter? What's the matter?
SONG—JULIA. (LISA clinging to her.) Ah, pity me, my comrades true, Who love, as well I know you do, This gentle child, To me so fondly dear!
ALL. Why, what's the matter?
JULIA Our sister love so true and deep From many an eye unused to weep Hath oft beguiled The coy reluctant tear!
ALL. Why, what's the matter?
JULIA Each sympathetic heart 'twill bruise When you have heard the frightful news (O will it not?) That I must now impart!
ALL. Why, what's the matter?
JULIA. Her love for him is all in all! Ah, cursed fate! that it should fall Unto my lot To break my darling's heart!
ALL. Why, what's the matter?
LUD. What means our Julia by those fateful looks? Please do not keep us all on tenter-hooks- Now, what's the matter?
JULIA. Our duty, if we're wise, We never shun. This Spartan rule applies To every one. In theatres, as in life, Each has her line— This part—the Grand Duke's wife (Oh agony!) is mine! A maxim new I do not start— The canons of dramatic art Decree that this repulsive part (The Grand Duke's wife) Is mine!
ALL. Oh, that's the matter!
LISA (appalled, to LUDWIG). Can that be so?
LUD. I do not know— But time will show If that be so.
CHORUS. Can that be so? etc.
LISA (recit.). Be merciful!
DUET—LISA and JULIA.
LISA. Oh, listen to me, dear— I love him only, darling! Remember, oh, my pet, On him my heart is set This kindness do me, dear- Nor leave me lonely, darling! Be merciful, my pet, Our love do not forget!
JULIA. Now don't be foolish, dear— You couldn't play it, darling! It's "leading business", pet And you're but a soubrette. So don't be mulish, dear- Although I say it, darling, It's not your line, my pet— I play that part, you bet! I play that part— I play that part, you bet!
(LISA overwhelmed with grief.)
NOT. The lady's right. Though Julia's engagement Was for the stage meant— It certainly frees Ludwig from his Connubial promise. Though marriage contracts—or whate'er you call 'em— Are very solemn, Dramatic contracts (which you all adore so) Are even more so!
ALL. That's very true! Though marriage contracts, etc.
SONG—LISA.
The die is cast, My hope has perished! Farewell, O Past, Too bright to last, Yet fondly cherished! My light has fled, My hope is dead, Its doom is spoken— My day is night, My wrong is right In all men's sight— My heart is broken! [Exit weeping.
LUD. (recit.). Poor child, where will she go? What will she do?
JULIA. That isn't in your part, you know.
LUD. (sighing). Quite true! (With an effort.) Depressing topics we'll not touch upon— Let us begin as we are going on! For this will be a jolly Court, for little and for big!
ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!
LUD. From morn to night our lives shall be as merry as a grig!
ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!
LUD. All state and ceremony we'll eternally abolish— We don't mean to insist upon unnecessary polish— And, on the whole, I rather think you'll find our rule tollolish! ALL. Sing hey, the jolly jinks of Pfennig Halbpfennig!
JULIA. But stay—your new-made Court Without a courtly coat is— We shall require Some Court attire, And at a moment's notice. In clothes of common sort Your courtiers must not grovel— Your new noblesse Must have a dress Original and novel!
LUD. Old Athens we'll exhume! The necessary dresses, Correct and true And all brand-new, The company possesses: Henceforth our Court costume Shall live in song and story, For we'll upraise The dead old days Of Athens in her glory!
ALL. Yes, let's upraise The dead old days Of Athens in her glory!
ALL. Agreed! Agreed! For this will be a jolly Court for little and for big! etc
(They carry LUDWIG round stage and deposit him on the ironwork of well. JULIA stands by him, and the rest group round them.)
END OF ACT I.
## ACT II.
(THE NEXT MORNING.)
SCENE.—Entrance Hall of the Grand Ducal Palace.
Enter a procession of the members of the theatrical company (now dressed in the costumes of Troilus and Cressida), carrying garlands, playing on pipes, citharae, and cymbals, and heralding the return of LUDWIG and JULIA from the marriage ceremony, which has just taken place.
CHORUS.
As before you we defile, Eloia! Eloia! Pray you, gentles, do not smile If we shout, in classic style, Eloia! Ludwig and his Julia true Wedded are each other to— So we sing, till all is blue, Eloia! Eloia! Opoponax! Eloia!
Wreaths of bay and ivy twine, Eloia! Eloia! Fill the bowl with Lesbian wine, And to revelry incline— Eloia!
For as gaily we pass on Probably we shall, anon, Sing a Diergeticon— Eloia! Eloia! Opoponax! Eloia!
RECIT.—LUDWIG.
Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches: Allow me to present your new Grand Duchess. Should she offend, you'll graciously excuse her— And kindly recollect I didn't choose her!
SONG—LUDWIG.
At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention To revive the classic memories of Athens at its best, For the company possesses all the necessary dresses And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the rest. We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic) Who respond to the choreut of that cultivated age, And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster Would accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage. This return to classic ages is considered in their wages, Which are always calculated by the day or by the week— And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm, Which they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends that are Greek!
(Confidentially to audience.) At this juncture I may mention That this erudition sham Is but classical pretension, The result of steady "cram.": Periphrastic methods spurning, To this audience discerning I admit this show of learning Is the fruit of steady "cram."!
CHORUS. Periphrastic methods, etc.
In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic (Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind), There they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold {Greek word} Which is what they called their lunch—and so may you if you're inclined. As they gradually got on, they'd {four Greek words) (Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink). But they mixed their wine with water—which I'm sure they didn't oughter— And we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I think! Then came rather risky dances (under certain circumstances) Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of Plays, Corybantian maniac kick—Dionysiac or Bacchic— And the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days.
(Confidentially to audience.) And perhaps I'd better mention, Lest alarming you I am, That it isn't our intention To perform a Dithyramb— It displays a lot of stocking, Which is always very shocking, And of course I'm only mocking At the prevalence of "cram"!
CHORUS. It displays a lot, etc.
Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation Which are not in strict accordance with the habits of our day, And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify, Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say. For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes— And a shower with their dresses must have played the very deuce, And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of sneezing, For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the use. They wore little underclothing—scarcely anything—or nothing— And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in design— Well, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether" And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the line!
(Confidentially to audience.) And again I wish to mention That this erudition sham Is but classical pretension, The result of steady "cram." Yet my classic lore aggressive (If you'll pardon the possessive) Is exceedingly impressive When you're passing an exam.
CHORUS. Yet his classic lore, etc.
[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA.
LUD. (recit.). Yes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated! For when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs, To sovereign rank is promptly elevated, He takes it with its incidental drawbacks! So Julia and I are duly mated!
(LISA, through this, has expressed intense distress at having to surrender LUDWIG.)
SONG—LISA.
Take care of him—he's much too good to live, With him you must be very gentle: Poor fellow, he's so highly sensitive, And O, so sentimental! Be sure you never let him sit up late In chilly open air conversing— Poor darling, he's extremely delicate, And wants a deal of nursing!
LUD. I want a deal of nursing!
LISA. And O, remember this— When he is cross with pain, A flower and a kiss— A simple flower—a tender kiss Will bring him round again!
His moods you must assiduously watch: When he succumbs to sorrow tragic, Some hardbake or a bit of butter-scotch Will work on him like magic. To contradict a character so rich In trusting love were simple blindness— He's one of those exalted natures which Will only yield to kindness!
LUD. I only yield to kindness!
LISA. And O, the bygone bliss! And O, the present pain! That flower and that kiss— That simple flower—that tender kiss I ne'er shall give again!
[Exit, weeping.