Part 35
PHOEBE [demurely] I think— I say, I think— I can get anything I want from Wilfred. I think— mind I say, I think— you may leave that to me.
MERYLL Then get thee hence at once, lad— and bless thee for this sacrifice.
PHOEBE And take my blessing, too, dear, dear Leonard!
LEONARD And thine. eh? Humph! Thy love is newborn; wrap it up carefully, lest it take cold and die.
No. 4. Alas! I waver to and fro (TRIO) Phoebe, Leonard, and Meryll
PHOEBE Alas! I waver to and fro! Dark danger hangs upon the deed!
ALL Dark danger hangs upon the deed!
LEONARD The scheme is rash and well may fail; But ours are not the hearts that quail, The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale In hours of need!
ALL No, ours are not the hearts that quail, The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale The hands that shrink, the cheeks that pale In hours of need!
MERYLL The air I breathe to him I owe: My life is his— I count it naught!
PHOEBE and LEONARD That life is his— so count it naught!
MERYLL And shall I reckon risks I run When services are to be done To save the life of such an one? Unworthy thought! Unworthy thought!
PHOEBE and LEONARD And shall we reckon risks we run To save the life of such an one?
ALL Unworthy thought! Unworthy thought! We may succeed— who can foretell? May heav'n help our hope— May heav'n help our hope, farewell! May heav'n help our hope, Help our hope, farewell!
[LEONARD embraces MERYLL and PHOEBE, and then exits. PHOEBE weeping.
MERYLL [goes up to PHOEBE] Nay, lass, be of good cheer, we may save him yet.
PHOEBE Oh! see, after— they bring the poor gentleman from the Beauchamp! [pronounced Bee'cham] Oh, father! his hour is not yet come?
MERYLL No, no— they lead him to the Cold Harbour Tower to await his end in solitude. But softly— the Lieutenant approaches! He should not see thee weep.
[Enter FAIRFAX, guarded by YEOMEN. The LIEUTENANT enters, meeting him.
LIEUT. Halt! Colonel Fairfax, my old friend, we meet but sadly.
FAIRFAX Sir, I greet you with all good-will; and I thank you for the zealous acre with which you have guarded me from the pestilent dangers which threaten human life outside. In this happy little community, Death, when he comes, doth so in punctual and business-like fashion; and, like a courtly gentleman, giveth due notice of his advent, that one may not be taken unawares.
LIEUT. Sir, you bear this bravely, as a brave man should.
FAIRFAX Why, sir, it is no light boon to die swiftly and surely at a given hour and in a given fashion! Truth to tell, I would gladly have my life; but if that may not be, I have the next best thing to it, which is death. Believe me, sir, my lot is not so much amiss!
PHOEBE [aside to MERYLL] Oh, father, father, I cannot bear it!
MERYLL My poor lass!
FAIRFAX Nay, pretty one, why weepest thou? Come, be comforted. Such a life as mine is not worth weeping for. [sees MERYLL] Sergeant Meryll, is it not? [to LIEUTENANT] May I greet my old friend? [Shakes MERYLL's hand; MERYLL begins to weep] Why, man, what's all this? Thou and I have faced the grim old king a dozen times, and never has his majesty come to me in such goodly fashion. Keep a stout heart, good fellow— we are soldiers, and we know how to die, thou and I. Take my word for it, it is easier to die well than to live well— for, in sooth, I have tried both.
No. 5. Is life a boon? (BALLAD) Fairfax
FAIRFAX Is life a boon? If so, it must befall That Death, whene'er he call, Must call too soon. Though fourscore years he give, Yet one would pray to live Another moon! What kind of plaint have I, Who perish in July, who perish in July? I might have had to die, Perchance, in June! I might have had to die, Perchance, in June!
Is life a thorn? Then count it not a whit! Nay, count it not a whit! Man is well done with it; Soon as he's born He should all means essay To put the plague away; And I, war-worn, Poor captured fugitive, My life most gladly give— I might have had to live, Another morn! I might have had to live, Another morn!
[At the end, PHOEBE is led off, weeping, by MERYLL.
FAIRFAX And now, Sir Richard, I have a boon to beg. I am in this strait for no better reason than because my kinsman, Sir Clarence Poltwhistle, one of the Secretaries of State, has charged me with sorcery, in order that he may succeed in my estate, which devolves to him provided I die unmarried.
LIEUT. As thou wilt most surely do.
FAIRFAX Nay, as I will most surely not do, by your worship's grace! I have a mind to thwart this good cousin of mine.
LIEUT. How?
FAIRFAX By marrying forthwith, to be sure!
LIEUT. But heaven ha' mercy, whom wouldst thou marry?
FAIRFAX Nay, I am indifferent on that score. Coming Death hath made of me a true and chivalrous knight, who holds all womankind in such esteem that the oldest, and the meanest, and the worst-favoured of them is good enough for him. So, my good Lieutenant, if thou wouldst serve a poor soldier who has but an hour to live, find me the first that comes— my confessor shall marry us, and her dower shall be my dishonoured name and a hundred crowns to boot. No such poor dower for an hour of matrimony!
LIEUT. A strange request. I doubt that I should be warranted in granting it.
FAIRFAX There never was a marriage fraught with so little of evil to the contracting parties. In an hour she'll be a widow, and I— a bachelor again for aught I know!
LIEUT. Well, I will see what can be done, for I hold thy kinsman in abhorrence for the scurvy trick he has played thee.
FAIRFAX A thousand thanks, good sir; we meet again in this spot in an hour or so. I shall be a bridegroom then, and your worship will wish me joy. Till then, farewell. [To GUARD] I am ready, good fellows.
[Exit with GUARD into Cold Harbour Tower]
LIEUT. He is a brave fellow, and it is a pity that he should die. Now, how to find him a bride at such short notice? Well, the task should be easy! [Exit]
[Enter JACK POINT and ELSIE MAYNARD, pursued by a CROWD of men and women. POINT and ELSIE are much terrified; POINT, however, assuming an appearance of self-possession. No. 6. Here's a man of jollity (CHORUS) People, Elsie, and Jack Point
CHORUS Here's a man of jollity, Jibe, joke, jollify! Give us of your quality, Come, fool, follify!
If you vapour vapidly, River runneth rapidly, Into it we fling Bird who doesn't sing!
Give us an experiment In the art of merriment; Into it we throw Cock who doesn't crow!
Banish your timidity, And with all rapidity Give us quip and quiddity— Willy-nilly, O!
River none can mollify; Into it we throw Fool who doesn't follify, Cock who doesn't crow!
Banish your timidity, And with all rapidity Give us quip and quiddity— Willy-nilly, O!
POINT [alarmed] My masters, I pray you bear with us, and we will satisfy you, for we are merry folk who would make all merry as ourselves. For, look you, there is humour in all things, and the truest philosophy is that which teaches us to find it and to make the most of it.
ELSIE [struggling with 1ST CITIZEN] Hands off, I say, unmannerly fellow! [she boxes his ears]
POINT [to 1ST CITIZEN] Ha! Didst thou hear her say, "Hands off"?
1ST CITIZEN Aye, I heard her say it, and I felt her do it! What then?
POINT Thou dost not see the humour of that?
1ST CITIZEN Nay, if I do, hang me!
POINT Thou dost not? Now, observe. She said, "Hands off! "Whose hands? Thine. Off whom? Off her. Why? Because she is a woman. Now, had she not been a woman, thine hands had not been set upon her at all. So the reason for the laying on of hands is the reason for the taking off of hands, and herein is contradiction contradicted! It is the very marriage of pro with con; and no such lopsided union either, as times go, for pro is not more unlike con than man is unlike woman— yet men and women marry every day with none to say, "Oh, the pity of it!" but I and fools like me! Now wherewithal shall we please you? We can rhyme you couplet, triolet, quatrain, sonnet,rondolet, ballade, what you will. Or we can dance you saraband, gondolet, carole, pimpernel, or Jumping Joan.
ELSIE Let us give them the singing farce of the Merryman and his Maid— therein is song and dance too.
ALL Aye, the Merryman and his Maid! No. 7. I have a song to sing, O! (DUET) Elsie and Point
POINT I have a song to sing, O!
ELSIE Sing me your song, O!
POINT It is sung to the moon By a love-lorn loon, Who fled from the mocking throng, O! It's a song of a merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye. Heighdy! heighdy! Misery me—lack-a-day-dee! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ELSIE I have a song to sing, O!
POINT Sing me your song, O!
ELSIE It is sung with the ring Of the songs maids sing Who love with a love life-long, O! It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud, Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye! Heighdy! heighdy! Misery me—lack-a-day-dee! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
POINT I have a song to sing, O!
ELSIE Sing me your song, O!
POINT It is sung to the knell Of a churchyard bell, And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O! It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born, Who turned up his noble nose with scorn At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud, Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye! Heighdy! heighdy! Misery me—lack-a-day-dee! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
ELSIE I have a song to sing, O!
POINT Sing me your song, O!
ELSIE It is sung with a sigh And a tear in the eye, For it tells of a righted wrong, O! It's a song of the merrymaid, once so gay, Who turned on her heel and tripped away From the peacock popinjay, bravely born, Who turned up his noble nose with scorn At the humble heart that he did not prize: So she begged on her knees, with downcast eyes, For the love of the merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sad, and whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye!
BOTH Heighdy! heighdy! Misery me—lack-a-day-dee! His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more, For he lived in the love of a ladye!
Heighdy! heighdy! Misery me—lack-a-day-dee! His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more, For he lived in the love of a ladye!
1ST CITIZEN Well sung and well danced!
2ND CITIZEN A kiss for that, pretty maid!
ALL Aye, a kiss all round. [CROWD gathers around her]
ELSIE [drawing dagger] Best beware! I am armed!
POINT Back, sirs— back! This is going too far.
2ND CITIZEN Thou dost not see the humour of it, eh? Yet there is humour in all things— even in this. [Trying to kiss her]
ELSIE Help! Help!
[Enter LIEUTENANT with GUARD. CROWD falls back
LIEUT. What is the pother?
ELSIE Sir, we sang to these folk, and they would have repaid us with gross courtesy, but for your honour's coming.
LIEUT. [to CROWD] Away with ye! Clear the rabble.
[GUARDS push CROWD off, and go off with them]
Now, my girl, who are you, and what do you here?
ELSIE May it please you, sir, we are two strolling players, Jack Point and I, Elsie Maynard, at your worship's service. We go from fair to fair, singing, and dancing, and playing brief interludes; and so we make a poor living.
LIEUT. You two, eh? Are ye man and wife?
POINT No, sir; for though I'm a fool, there is a limit to my folly. Her mother, old Bridget Maynard, travels with us (for Elsie is a good girl), but the old woman is a- bed with fever, and we have come here to pick up some silver to buy an electuary for her.
LIEUT. Hark ye, my girl! Your mother is ill?
ELSIE Sorely ill, sir.
LIEUT. And needs good food, and many things that thou canst not buy?
ELSIE Alas! sir, it is too true.
LIEUT. Wouldst thou earn an hundred crowns?
ELSIE An hundred crowns! They might save her life!
LIEUT. Then listen! A worthy but unhappy gentleman is to be beheaded in an hour on this very spot. For sufficient reasons, he desires to marry before he dies, and he hath asked me to find him a wife. Wilt thou be that wife?
ELSIE The wife of a man I have never seen!
POINT Why, sir, look you, I am concerned in this; for though I am not yet wedded to Elsie Maynard, time works wonders, and there's no knowing what may be in store for us. Have we your worship's word for it that this gentleman will die to-day?
LIEUT. Nothing is more certain, I grieve to say.
POINT And that the maiden will be allowed to depart the very instant the ceremony is at an end?
LIEUT. The very instant. I pledge my honour that it shall be so.
POINT An hundred crowns?
LIEUT. An hundred crowns!
POINT For my part, I consent. It is for Elsie to speak. No. 8. How say you, maiden, will you wed (TRIO) Elsie, Point, and Lieutenant
LIEUT. How say you, maiden, will you wed A man about to lose his head? For half an hour You'll be his wife, And then the dower Is your for life. A headless bridegroom why refuse? If truth the poets tell, Most bridegrooms, 'ere they marry, Lose both head and heart as well!
ELSIE A strange proposal you reveal, It almost makes my senses reel. Alas! I'm very poor indeed, And such a sum I sorely need. My mother, sir, is like to die. This money life may bring. Bear this in mind, I pray, If I consent to do this thing!
POINT Though as a general rule of life I don't allow my promised wife, My lovely bride that is to be, To marry anyone but me, Yet if the fee is promptly paid, And he, in well-earned grave, Within the hour is duly laid, Objection I will waive! Yes, objection I will waive!
ALL Temptation, oh, temptation, Were we, I pray, intended To shun, what e'er our station, Your fascinations splendid; Or fall, whene'er we view you, Head over heels into you? Head over heels, Head over heels, Head over heels into you! Head over heels, Head over heels, Head over heels, Right into you! Head over heels, Head over heels, etc. Temptation, oh, temptation!
[During this, the LIEUTENANT has whispered to WILFRED (who has entered). WILFRED binds ELSIE's eyes with a kerchief, and leads her into the Cold Harbour Tower
LIEUT. And so, good fellow, you are a jester?
POINT Aye, sir, and like some of my jests, out of place.
LIEUT. I have a vacancy for such an one. Tell me, what are your qualifications for such a post?
POINT Marry, sir, I have a pretty wit. I can rhyme you extempore; I can convulse you with quip and conundrum;I have the lighter philosophies at my tongue's tip; I can be merry, wise, quaint, grim, and sardonic, one by one, or all at once; I have a pretty turn for anecdote; I know all the jests— ancient and modern— past, present, and to come; I can riddle you from dawn of day to set of sun, and, if that content you not, well on to midnight and the small hours. Oh, sir, a pretty wit, I warrant you— a pretty, pretty wit! No. 9. I've jibe and joke (SONG) Point
POINT I've jibe and joke And quip and crank For lowly folk And men of rank. I ply my craft And know no fear. But aim my shaft At prince or peer. At peer or prince— at prince or peer, I aim my shaft and know no fear!
I've wisdom from the East and from the West, That's subject to no academic rule; You may find it in the jeering of a jest, Or distil it from the folly of a fool. I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind; I can trick you into learning with a laugh; Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff! Oh, winnow all my folly, folly, folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff!
I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, The upstart I can wither with a whim; He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip, But his laughter has an echo that is grim. When they're offered to the world in merry guise, Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will, For he who'd make his fellow, fellow, fellow creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill! For he who'd make his fellow, fellow, fellow creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill!
LIEUT. And how came you to leave your last employ?
POINT Why, sir, it was in this wise. My Lord was the Archbishop of Canterbury, and it was considered that one of my jokes was unsuited to His Grace's family circle. In truth, I ventured to ask a poor riddle, sir— Wherein lay the difference between His Grace and poor Jack Point? His Grace was pleased to give it up, sir. And thereupon I told him that whereas His Grace was paid 10,000 a year for being good, poor Jack Point was good— for nothing. 'Twas but a harmless jest, but it offended His Grace, who whipped me and set me in the stocks for a scurril rogue, and so we parted. I had as lief not take post again with the dignified clergy.
LIEUT. But I trust you are very careful not to give offence. I have daughters.
POINT Sir, my jests are most carefully selected, and anything objectionable is expunged. If your honour pleases, I will try then first on your honour's chaplain.
LIEUT. Can you give me an example? Say that I had sat me down hurriedly on something sharp?
POINT Sir, I should say that you had sat down on the spur of the moment.
LIEUT. Humph! I don't think much of that. Is that the best you can do?
POINT It has always been much admired, sir, but we will try again.
LIEUT. Well, then, I am at dinner, and the joint of meat is but half cooked.
POINT Why then, sir, I should say that what is underdone cannot be helped.
LIEUT. I see. I think that manner of thing would be somewhat irritating.
POINT At first, sir, perhaps; but use is everything, and you would come in time to like it.
LIEUT. We will suppose that I caught you kissing the kitchen wench under my very nose.
POINT Under her very nose, good sir— not under yours! That is where I would kiss her. Do you take me? Oh, sir, a pretty wit— a pretty, pretty wit!
LIEUT. The maiden comes. Follow me, friend, and we will discuss this matter at length in my library.
POINT I am your worship's servant. That is to say, I trust I soon shall be. But, before proceeding to a more serious topic, can you tell me, sir, why a cook's brain-pan is like an overwound clock?
LIEUT. A truce to this fooling— follow me.
POINT Just my luck; my best conundrum wasted!
[Exeunt LIEUTENANT and POINT. Enter ELSIE from Tower, led by WILFRED, who removes the bandage from her eyes, and exits.
No. 10. 'Tis done! I am a bride! (RECITATIVE AND SONG) Elsie
ELSIE 'Tis done! I am a bride! Oh, little ring, That bearest in thy circlet all the gladness That lovers hope for, and that poets sing, What bringest thou to me but gold and sadness? A bridegroom all unknown, save in this wise, To-day he dies! To-day, alas, he dies!
Though tear and long-drawn sigh Ill fit a bride, No sadder wife than I The whole world wide! Ah me! Ah me! Yet maids there be Who would consent to lose The very rose of youth, The flow'r of life, To be, in honest truth, A wedded wife, No matter whose! No matter whose!
Ah me! what profit we, O maids that sigh, Though gold, though gold should live If wedded love must die?
Ere half an hour has rung, A widow I! Ah, heaven, he is too young, Too brave to die! Ah me! Ah me! Yet wives there be So weary worn, I trow, That they would scarce complain, So that they could In half an hour attain To widowhood, No matter how! No matter how!
O weary wives Who widowhood would win, Rejoice, rejoice, that ye have time To weary in.
O weary wives Who widowhood would win, Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, that ye have time O weary, weary wives, rejoice!
[Exit ELSIE as WILFRED re-enters.
WILFRED [looking after ELSIE] 'Tis an odd freak for a dying man and his confessor to be closeted alone with a strange singing girl. I would fain have espied them, but they stopped up the keyhole. My keyhole!
[Enter PHOEBE with SERGEANT MERYLL. MERYLL remains in the background, unobserved by WILFRED.
PHOEBE [aside] Wilfred— and alone!
WILFRED Now what could he have wanted with her? That's what puzzles me!
PHOEBE [aside] Now to get the keys from him.
[Aloud] Wilfred— has no reprieve arrived?
WILFRED None. Thine adored Fairfax is to die.
PHOEBE Nay, thou knowest that I have naught but pity for the poor condemned gentleman.
WILFRED I know that he who is about to die is more to thee than I, who am alive and well.
PHOEBE Why, that were out of reason, dear Wilfred. Do they not say that a live ass is better than a dead lion? No, I didn't mean that!
WILFRED Oh, they say that, do they?
PHOEBE It's unpardonably rude of them, but I believe they put it in that way. Not that it applies to thee, who art clever beyond all telling!
WILFRED Oh yes, as an assistant-tormentor.
PHOEBE Nay, as a wit, as a humorist, as a most philosophic commentator on the vanity of human resolution.