Part 12
Inambulandum est: nunc mihi vicissam supplicabunt.
(_aside as they approach_) Now for some strutting around: here’s where I come in for being supplicated. (_parades magnificently back and forth_)
_Argyr._
Quaeso hercle, Libane, sis erum tuis factis sospitari, da mihi istas viginti minas. vides me amantem egere.
Hang it all, Libanus, for mercy’s sake be a good fellow and save your master’s life! Give me that eighty pounds. You see I’m in love and need the money.
_Lib._
Videbitur. factum volo. redito huc contemno nunc istanc tantisper iube petere atque orare mecum.
We’ll see about it. Happy if I can oblige. Come back early in the evening. Meanwhile now just tell the lady there to ask me for it and tease me for it.
_Phil._
Amandone exorarier vis ted an osculando?
Tease it from you by loving you, or by kissing you, which?
_Lib._
Enim vero utrumque.
Oh well, try both of ’em.
_Phil._
Ergo, obsecro, et tu utrumque nostrum serva.
(_fondling him_) And both of us, then,--do rescue us, please, please!
_Argyr._
O Libane, mi patrone, mi trade istuc. magis decorumst libertum potius quam patronum onus in via portare. 690
O Libanus, my dear patron, do hand it over to me! A freedman is the proper person to carry a load on the street, not his patron.
_Phil._
Mi Libane, ocellus aureus, donum decusque amoris, amabo, faciam quod voles, da istuc argentum nobis.
My own Libanus, my little golden treasure boy, love’s gift and glory, oh, I’ll adore you, do anything for you, only give us that money!
_Lib._
Dic igitur med aniticulam, columbam vel catellum, hirundinem, monerulam, passerculum putillum, fac proserpentem bestiam me, duplicem ut habeam linguam, circumda torquem bracchiis, meum collum circumplecte.
Then call me your little ducky, dovey, doggieboy, your swallow, your little jackdaw, your little tootsie wootsie sparrowkin: (_opening his mouth_) make a reptile of me and let me have a double tongue in my mouth; throw a chain of arms around me; clasp me close around my neck.
_Argyr._
Ten complectatur, carnufex?
Put her arms around you, you gallows-bird!
_Lib._
Quam vero indignus videor? ne istuc nequiquam dixeris tam indignum dictum in me, vehes pol hodie me, si quidem hoc argentum ferre speres.
An awful shame, isn’t it, really now? Not to have you saying such shameful things of me free of charge, you’ll carry me on your back to-day, by gad, that is, if you count on getting this cash.
_Argyr._
Ten ego veham?
I carry you on my back--I?
_Lib._
Tun hoc feras argentum aliter a me? 700
See any other way of getting this cash, do you--you?
_Argyr._
Perii hercle. si verum quidem et decorum erum vehere servom, inscende.
O damnation! Well, if it is right and proper for a master to carry a servant on his back--get up.
_Lib._
Sic isti solent superbi subdomari. asta igitur, ut consuetus es puer olim scin ut dicam? em sic. abi, laudo, nec te equo magis est equos ullus sapiens.
Here’s how those toplofty ones are tamified. Now then, stand by--the way you used to do years ago as a boy. Know how I mean? (_Argyrippus sidles up and bends over_) There! That’s it! Good for you! Capital! There isn’t a more knowing bit of horse-flesh than you anywhere.
_Argyr._
Inscende actutum.
Get up, and be quick about it!
_Lib._
Ego fecero hem quid istuc est? ut tu incedis? demam hercle iam de hordeo, tolutim ni badizas.
(_springing on his shoulders_) So I will. (_Argyrippus moves off slowly_) Hullo! What’s the matter? How you do jog along! By gad, I’ll dock your barley directly, if you don’t stir yourself and gallop. (_Argyrippus gallops_)
_Argyr._
Amabo, Libane, iam sat est.
There’s a good fellow, Libanus,--that’s enough now!
_Lib._
Numquam hercle hodie exorabis nam iam calcari quadrupedo agitabo advorsum clivom, postidea ad pistores dabo, ut ibi cruciere currens. asta ut descendam nunciam in proclivi, quamquam nequam es. 710
Not on your life--you don’t beg off this day. Why, now I’m going to dig the spurs in and trot you up a hill: afterwards I’ll hand you over to the millers to do some running for ’em at the end of a rawhide. Stand still! so that I can dismount on the slope now, even though you are a good-for-nothing beast. (_gets off_)
_Argyr._
Quid nunc, amabo? quoniam, ut est libitum, nos delusistis, datisne argentum?
How about it now? There’s a good fellow! Seeing you two have had your fill of sport with me, going to give us the money, are you?
_Lib._
Si quidem mihi statuam et aram statuis atque ut deo mi hic immolas bovem: nam ego tibi Salus sum.
Oh well, if you put me up an altar and statue, yes, and offer me up an ox here the same as a god: for I’m your goddess Salvation, I am.
_Leon._
Etiam tu, ere, istunc amoves abs te atque[25] ipse me adgredere atque illa, sibi quae hic iusserat, mihi statuis supplicasque?
Come, sir, get rid of that chap, won’t you, and apply to me in person, yes, and let me have those statues and supplications he ordered for himself.
_Argyr._
Quem te autem divom nominem?
Ah, and by what name does your godship pass?
_Leon._
Fortunam, atque Obsequentem.
Fortune, yes sir, Indulgent Fortune.
_Argyr._
Iam istoc es melior.
Now there’s where you are better.
_Lib._
An quid est homini Salute melius?
Eh? what’s better for a man than Salvation?
_Argyr._
Licet laudem Fortunam, tamen ut ne Salutem culpem.
I can praise Fortune and still not disparage Salvation.
_Phil._
Ecastor ambae sunt bonae.
Mercy me, they’re both good.
_Argyr._
Sciam ubi boni quid dederint.
I’ll know so when I get something good out of them.
_Leon._
Opta id quod ut contingat tibi vis.
Wish for something you want to happen to you.
_Argyr._
Quid si optaro?
What if I do?
_Leon._
Eveniet. 720
It’ll come true.
_Argyr._
Opto annum hunc perpetuom mihi huius operas.
My wish is to have this lady’s attentions this whole next year through.
_Leon._
Impetrasti.
You’ve got it.
_Argyr._
Ain vero?
Really? really?
_Leon._
Certe inquam.
Sure thing I tell you.
_Lib._
Ad me adi vicissim atque experire. exopta id quod vis maxime tibi evenire: fiet.
It’s my turn--come over here and give me a trial. Long for something you most want to come true: it will.
_Argyr._
Quid ego aliud exoptem amplius nisi illud cuius inopiast, viginti argenti commodas minas, huius quas dem matri.
What could I long for more than something I haven’t got a trace of--a round eighty pounds to give this girl’s mother?
_Lib._
Dabuntur, animo sis bono face, exoptata optingent.
Forthcoming. Keep your courage up: your longing will be gratified.
_Argyr._
Ut consuevere, homines Salus frustratur et Fortuna.
(_incredulous_) Salvation is at her old tricks, fooling people, and Fortune too.
_Leon._
Ego caput huic argento fui hodie reperiundo.
In lighting on this cash to-day--I’m the one that’s been the head of it!
_Lib._
Ego pes fui.
I’m the one that’s been the foot of it!
_Argyr._
Quin nec caput nec pes sermoni apparet. nec quid dicatis scire nec me cur ludatis possum. 730
And upon my soul, your discourse is a puzzle from head to foot. I can’t understand your talk, or why you’re making game of me.
_Lib._
Satis iam delusum censeo. nunc rem ut est eloquamur. animum. Argyrippe, advorte sis. pater nos ferre hoc iussit argentum ad ted.
(_aside to Leonida_) I move he’s been fooled with long enough. Come on, let’s out with it. (_to Argyrippus_) Your kind attention, Argyrippus! Your father told us to bring this money to you. (_holding up wallet_)
_Argyr._
Ut temperi opportuneque attulistis.
Oh, you’ve brought it just in time, just at the right moment!
_Lib._
Hic inerunt viginti minae bonae, mala opera partae; has tibi nos pactis legibus dare iussit.
You’ll find in here eighty good sovereigns ill-gotten: he said to give ’em to you according to terms agreed upon.
_Argyr._
Quid id est, quaeso?
Terms? What terms, for mercy’s sake?
_Lib._
Noctem huius et cenam sibi ut dares.
That you’re to give him an evening with this lady, and a dinner.
_Argyr._
Iube advenire quaeso: meritissimo eius quae volet faciemus, qui hosce amores nostros dispulsos compulit.
Tell him to come along, yes, yes! We’ll do what he wants, and quite right we should, after the way he’s gathered our scattered love to the fold. (_takes wallet from Libanus_)
_Leon._
Patierin, Argyrippe, patrem hanc amplexari tuom?
Going to put up with your father’s hugging her, are you, Argyrippus?
_Argyr._
Haec faciet facile ut patiar Leonida, curre obsecro, patrem huc orato ut veniat. 740
(_waving wallet_) This will easily enable me to put up with it. Leonida, for heaven’s sake run and beg my father to come here.
_Leon._
Iam dudum est intus.
(_pointing to Cleareta’s house_) He was in there long ago.
_Argyr._
Hac quidem non venit.
He certainly didn’t come this way.
_Leon._
Angiporto illac per hortum circum ut clam, ne quis se videret. huc ire familiarium: ne uxor resciscat metuit de argento si mater tua sciat ut sit factum--
Sneaked in by the alley there through the garden, so that none of the servants would see him enter: he’s afraid of his wife finding out. If your mother was to learn about the money, how it was--
_Argyr._
Heia, bene dicite.
Hold on there! No ominous remarks!
_Lib._
Ite intro cito.
In with you, quick!
_Argyr._
Valete.
Good-bye, you two.
_Leon._
Et vos amate.
And spoon away, you two.
[EXEUNT _Argyrippus_ AND _Philaenium_ INTO _Cleareta’s_ HOUSE, _Libanus_ AND _Leonida_ INTO HOUSE OF _Demaenetus._
## ACTVS IV
## ACT IV
ENTER _Diabolus_ AND _Parasite._
_Diab._
Agedum istum ostende quem conscripsti syngraphum inter me et amicam et lenam. leges pellege nam tu poeta es prorsus ad eam rem unicus.
Come on, show me that contract you drew up between me and my mistress and the Madame. Read over the terms. Ah, you’re the one and only artist at this business.
_Par._
Horrescet faxo lena, leges cum audiet.
(_producing a document_) I warrant you Madame will shudder when she hears the terms.
_Diab._
Age quaeso mi hercle translege.
Come come, man, for the Lord’s sake let’s have ’em!
_Par._
Audin?
Are you listening?
_Diab._
Audio. 750
Yes.
_Par._
“Diabolus Glauci filius Clearetae lenae dedit dono argenti viginti minas, Philaenium ut secum esset noctes et dies hunc annum totum.”
(_reading_) “Diabolus, son of Glaucus, has given to Cleareta, Madame, a present of eighty pounds to the end that Philaenium throughout the coming year may spend her nights and days with him.”
_Diab._
Neque cum quiquam alio quidem.
Yes, and not with anyone else, either.
_Par._
Addone?
Shall I add that?
_Diab._
Adde, et scribas vide plane et probe.
Add that, and see you put it down in a good firm hand.
_Par._
“Alienum hominem intro mittat neminem. quod illa aut amicum aut patronum nominet, aut quod illa amicae[26] amatorem praedicet, fores occlusae omnibus sint nisi tibi. in foribus scribat occupatam esse se. 760
(_after doing so_) “She is to admit no male outsider into her house. In case she call him a mere friend or guardian, or in case she allege him to be the lover of a friend of hers, her doors must be closed to all but you. She must post a notice on the doors stating that she is engaged.
aut quod illa dicat peregre allatam epistulam, ne epistula quidem ulla sit in aedibus nec cerata adeo tabula; et si qua inutilis pictura sit, eam vendat: ni in quadriduo abalienarit, quo abs te argentum acceperit, tuos arbitratus sit, comburas, si velis, ne illi sit cera, ubi facere possit litteras.
Or in case she say that a letter from foreign parts has been delivered to her, there must be no letter at all in the house, nor so much as a waxen tablet; and if there be any undesirable picture about, let her sell it: unless she shall have removed it within four days after receipt of your money, it shall be at your disposal: you may burn it up, if you deem fit, that she may have no wax whereon to write.
vocet convivam neminem illa, tu voces; ad eorum ne quem oculos adiciat suos. si quem alium aspexit, caeca continue siet. 770 tecum una potet, aeque pocla potitet: abs ted accipiat, tibi propinet, tu bibas, ne illa minus aut plus quam tu sapiat.”
She must invite no guest to the house: you shall invite them; and she must have eyes for none of them. If her glance has fallen on another man, she must become blind forthwith. She must drink with you only, and drink with you glass for glass: let her receive the glass from your hands, drink to your health, and then do you take it and drink, so that she may have no--(_unobtrusively dropping the aspirate_) whit more than you, nor less.”
_Diab._
Satis placet.
(_not noticing_) Quite satisfactory.
_Par._
“Suspiciones omnes ab se segreget. neque illaec ulli pede pedem homini premat, cum surgat, neque cum in lectum inscendat proximum, neque cum descendat inde, det cuiquam manum: spectandum ne cui anulum det neque roget. talos ne cuiquam homini admoveat nisi tibi. cum iaciat, ‘te’ ne dicat: nomen nominet. 780
“She must keep herself above every suspicion. She must not touch feet with any man when she arises from table: and when she steps upon the adjoining couch, or steps down therefrom, she must take no one’s hand. She must give no one her ring to look at, nor ask to look at his. To no man save yourself must she pass the dice. On making a throw she must not say, ‘Thee[E] I invoke!’ She is to name your name.
[Footnote E: Naming one’s sweetheart, on making a throw, was a common custom.]
deam invocet sibi quam libebit propitiam, deum nullum; si magis religiosa fuerit, tibi dicat: tu pro illa ores ut sit propitius. neque illa ulli homini nutet, nictet, annuat. post, si lucerna exstincta sit, ne quid sui membri commoveat quicquam in tenebris.”
Let her call upon any goddess she pleases for favour, but upon no god; if she have religious scruples in regard to this, let her tell you, and do you make the prayer for his favour in her stead. To no man shall she nod, wink, or signify compliance. Further, if the lamp go out, she is not to move a single limb in the darkness.”
_Diab._
Optumest. ita scilicet facturam. verum in cubiculo-- deme istuc--equidem illam moveri gestio. nolo illam habere causam et votitam dicere.
Excellent! To be sure she mustn’t, (_pause_) But in our own room--cut that clause out--why, I’m keen as can be for her to be lively there! I don’t want her to have an excuse and say the contract forbids.
_Par._
Scio, captiones metuis.
I see, you fear some catch.
_Diab._
Verum.
Exactly.
_Par._
Ergo ut iubes 790 tollam.
Well then, I shall strike that out, as you order.
_Diab._
Quid ni?
Of course you will.
_Par._
Audi relicua.
Listen to the rest.
_Diab._
Loquere, audio.
Go on: I am listening.
_Par._
“Neque ullum verbum faciat perplexabile, neque ulla lingua sciat loqui nisi Attica, forte si tussire occepsit, ne sic tussiat, ut cuiquam linguam in tussiendo proserat. quod illa autem simulet, quasi gravedo profluat, hoc ne sic faciat: tu labellum abstergeas potius quam cuiquam savium faciat palam.
“She must use no phrase of double meaning, and must know how to speak no language but the Attic. If she should happen to cough, she is not to cough so, (_illustrating_) in such a way as to extend her tongue toward anyone. Moreover, in case she pretends to have a running cold, she must not do this: (_purses his lips_) you are to wipe her little lip yourself rather than let her pucker up her mouth for anyone so obviously.
nec mater lena ad vinum accedat interim, nec ulli verbo male dicat. si dixerit, 800 haec multa ei esto, vino viginti dies ut careat.”
“Nor shall the Madame, her mother, drop in while you are having your wine, or say a single abusive word to anyone. If such a word be said by her, the penalty shall be this-- no wine for her for twenty days.”
_Diab._
Pulchre scripsti. scitum syngraphum.
Splendid document! Capital contract!
_Par._
“Tum si coronas, serta, unguenta iusserit ancillam ferre Veneri aut Cupidini, tuos servos servet, Venerine eas det an viro. si forte pure velle habere dixerit, 800 tot noctes reddat spurcas quot pure habuerit.” haec sunt non nugae, non enim mortualia.
“Then if she bid her maid carry chaplets, wreaths, perfumes to Venus or to Cupid, your servant shall observe whether she gives them to Venus, or to a man. Should she happen to express a wish for religious seclusion, she must give you as many hours of love as she has of loneliness.” These be no trifles; these be no dirges for dead folk, I tell you. The terms are highly satisfactory. Follow me in.
_Diab._
Placent profecto leges, sequere intro.
Very well.
_Par._
Sequor.
[EXEUNT INTO _Cleareta’s_ HOUSE: SOUND OF WRANGLING WITHIN: RE-ENTER _Diabolus_ AND _Parasite_ FROM HOUSE.
IV. 2.
## Scene 2.
_Diab._
Sequere hac, egone haec patiar aut taceam? emori 810 me malim, quam haec non eius uxori indicem. ain tu? apud amicam munus adulescentuli fungare, uxori excuses te et dicas senem? praeripias scortum amanti atque argentum obicias lenae? suppiles clam domi uxorem tuam?
(_incensed_) Come along! I put up with this? I hold my tongue? I’d rather perish from the earth than not let it out to his wife! (_shouting to Demaenetus within_) You will, will you? You will play the gay young spark with a mistress and excuse yourself to your wife on the plea of old age, eh? You will snatch a girl from her lover and toss your money to the Madame, eh? You will filch things from your lady at home on the sly, eh?
suspendam potius me, quam tu haec tacita auferas. iam quidem hercle ad illam hinc ibo, quam tu propediem, nisi quidem illa ante occupassit te, effliges scio, luxuriae sumptus suppeditare ut possies.
I’d sooner hang myself than let you carry it off so and nothing said. By the Lord, I’ll go to her this very minute, I will, the woman you’re bound to bring to pauperism shortly,--if she doesn’t forestall you, that is,--just so that you may be kept in funds for your orgies!
_Par._
Ego sic faciundum censeo: me honestiust, 820 quam te palam hanc rem facere, ne illa existimet amoris causa percitum id fecisse te magis quam sua causa.
(_calmly, judiciously_) In my opinion, this is the way we should handle the case: it would look better for me to appear in the matter than you; she might think you were hard hit and did it more out of jealousy than out of regard for her.
_Diab._
At pol qui dixti rectius. tu ergo fac ut illi turbas lites concias; cum suo sibi gnato unam ad amicam de die potare, illam expilare narra.
Right you are, gad yes, that is better! Then raise hell for him yourself; stir up a row; notify her that he’s having a daylight carouse with his own son, one girl between ’em there at her house, and she herself being rooked for it!
_Par._
Ne mone, ego istud curabo.
No advice needed! I shall take care of that.
_Diab._
At ego te opperiar domi.[27] (827)
Well, I’ll wait for you at home. [EXIT.
## ACTVS V
## ACT V
THE DOOR OF _Cleareta’s_ HOUSE IS OPEN, SHOWING _Argyrippus_, _Demaenetus,_ AND _Philaenium_ BANQUETING, _Philaenium_ BEING ON A COUCH BESIDE _Demaenetus_ AND TRYING NOT TO SEEM BORED BY HIS GALLANTRIES.
_Dem._
Numquidnam tibi molestumst, gnate mi, si haec nunc mecum accubat? 830
You don’t mind it, do you, my boy,--her being on the couch here with me? (_merrily chucks Philaenium under the chin_)
_Argyr._
Pietas, pater, oculis dolorem prohibet. quamquam ego istanc amo, possum equidem inducere animum, ne aegre patiar quia tecum accubat.
(_dolefully_) My duty as a son takes the sting out of the sight, father. Even though I do love her, of course I can persuade myself not to be disturbed at her being with you.
_Dem._
Decet verecundum esse adulescentem, Argyrippe.
A young fellow should be modest, Argyrippus.
_Argyr._
Edepol, pater, merito tuo facere possum.
Ah yes, father, I can behave as you deserve.
_Dem._
Age ergo, hoc agitemus convivium vino et[28] sermoni suavi. nolo ego metui, amari mavolo, mi gnate, me abs te.
(_jovially_) Come on then, let’s have a lively banquet--wine and sweet converse, my dears! None of your filial awe for me: your love is what I want, my lad.
_Argyr._
Pol ego utrumque facio, ut aequom est filium.
(_still more dolefully_) Ah yes, father, I give you both, as a son should.
_Dem._
Credam istuc, si esse te hilarum videro.
I’ll believe that, once I see you looking jolly.
_Argyr._
An tu me tristem putas?
(_with a deep sigh_) You don’t think I’m ... melancholy ... do you?
_Dem._
Putem ego, quem videam aeque esse maestum ut quasi dies si dicta sit?
Think so? When you look as sepulchral as if you were docketed for trial!
_Argyr._
Ne dixis istuc.
Don’t say that.
_Dem._
Ne sic fueris: ilico ego non dixero. 839,840
Don’t be that, and I’ll stop saying it soon enough.
_Argyr._
Em aspecta: rideo.
(_making a dismal effort to look happy_) Here now! See! I’m smiling.
_Dem._
Utinam male qui mihi volunt sic rideant.
(_dryly_) I wish my enemies were blessed with a smile like that.
_Argyr._
Scio equidem quam ob rem me, pater, tu tristem credas nunc tibi: quia istaec est tecum. atque ego quidem hercle ut verum tibi dicam. pater, ea res me male habet; at non eo, quia tibi non cupiam quae velis; verum istam amo. aliam tecum esse equidem facile possum perpeti.
Of course I know why you think my bearing toward you now is melancholy, father,--because she’s with you. And good heavens, father, to tell you the truth, I--it does make me miserable; not because I’m not eager to have your wishes gratified; but I love that girl. If it was some other one, I shouldn’t mind at all, really I shouldn’t.
_Dem._
At ego hanc volo.
I want this one, though.
_Argyr._
Ergo sunt quae exoptas: mihi quae ego exoptem volo.
Well then, you’ve got your desire: I wish I could have the same luck!
_Dem._
Unum hunc diem perpetere, quoniam tibi potestatem dedi, cum hac annum ut esses, atque amanti argenti feci copiam.
Oh, you’ll take it calmly this one day, now that I’ve given you the chance to be with her for a year, and furnished forth my young gallant with funds.
_Argyr._
Em istoc me facto tibi devinxti.
Just the point! You have me bound hard and fast by that.
_Dem._
Quin te ergo hilarum das mihi? 849,850
Come then, surrender and be jolly, won’t you?
V. 2.
## Scene 2.
ENTER _Artemona_ AND _Parasite_ FROM HOUSE OF _Demaenetus_.
_Art._
Ain tu meum virum his potare, obsecro, cum filio et ad amicam detulisse argenti viginti minas meoque filio sciente id facere flagitium patrem?
(_tempestuously_) What’s that, for heaven’s sake,--my husband carousing here with his son, and brought eighty pounds to a mistress, and my son conniving at such an outrage on the part of his father, his father?
_Par._
Neque divini neque mi humani posthac quicquam accreduas, Artemona, si huius rei me esse mendacem inveneris.
Never trust me in another thing divine or human, madam, if you find I have misinformed you in this.
_Art._
At scelesta ego praeter alios meum virum[29] frugi rata, siccum, frugi, continentem, amantem uxoris maxume.
But oh dear me! I thought my husband was the very paragon of men, a sober man, a worthy, moral man that loved his wife devotedly.
_Par._
At nunc dehinc scito illum ante omnes minimi mortalem preti, madidum, nihili, incontinentem atque osorem uxoris suae.