Part 15
et te utar iniquiore et meus me ordo inrideat, neutrubi habeam stabile stabulum, si quid divorti fuat: asini me mordicibus scindant, boves incursent cornibus. hoc magnum est periclum, ab asinis ad boves transcendere.
You would be too much for me: and my own kind would haw-haw at me: and if there should be a falling out, neither party would let me have stable quarters: the donkeys would chew me up and the oxen would run me through. It is a very hazardous business for donkeys to climb into the ox set.
_Mega._
Quam ad probos propinquitate proxime te adiunxeris. tam optumum est. tu condicionem hanc accipe, ausculta mihi, atque eam desponde mi.
But honourable human beings--the more closely connected you are with them, the better. Come, come, accept my offer: listen to what I say and promise her to me.
_Eucl._
At nihil est dotis quod dem.
But not one penny of dowry can I give.
_Mega._
Ne duas. dum modo morata recte veniat, dotata est satis.
Don’t. Only let me have a girl that’s good, and she has dowry enough.
_Eucl._
Eo dico, ne me thensauros repperisse censeas. 240
(_forcing a laugh_) I mention this just so that you mayn’t think I’ve found some treasure.
_Mega._
Novi, ne doceas. desponde.
Yes, yes, I understand. Promise.
_Eucl._
Fiat. sed pro Iuppiter, num ego disperii?
So be it. (_aside, starting at noise_) Oh, my God! Can it be I’m ruined, ruined?
_Mega._
Quid tibi est?
What’s the matter?
_Eucl._
Quid crepuit quasi ferrum modo?
That noise? What was it--a sort of clinking sound? [EXIT INTO HOUSE HURRIEDLY.
_Mega._
Hic apud me hortum confodere iussi. sed ubi hic est homo? abiit neque me certiorem fecit. fastidit mei, quia videt me suam amicitiam velle. more hominum facit; nam si opulentus it petitum pauperioris gratiam, pauper metuit congrediri, per metum male rem gerit. idem, quando occasio illaec periit, post sero cupit.
(_not noticing his departure_) I told them to do some digging in my garden here. (_looking around_) But where is the man? Gone away and left me--without a word! Scorns me, now he sees I desire his friendship! Quite the usual thing, that. Yes, let a wealthy man try to get the regard of a poorer one, and the poor one is afraid to meet him half-way: his timidity makes him injure his own interests. Then when it’s too late and the opportunity is gone he longs to have it again.
RE-ENTER _Euclio._
_Eucl._
Si hercle ego te non elinguandam dedero usque ab radicibus, 250 impero auctorque ego sum, ut tu me cuivis castrandum loces.
(_to Staphyla within_) By heaven, if I don’t have your tongue torn out by the very roots, I give you orders, give you full authority, to hand me over to anyone you please to be skinned alive. (_approaches Megadorus_)
_Mega._
Video hercle ego te me arbitrari, Euclio, hominem idoneum, quem senecta aetate ludos facias, haud merito meo.
Upon my word, Euclio! So you think I am the proper sort of man to make a fool of, at my time of life, and without the slightest reason.
_Eucl._
Neque edepol, Megadore, facio, neque. si cupiam, copia est.
Bless my soul! I’m not making a fool of you, Megadorus: I couldn’t if I would.
_Mega._
Quid nunc? etiam mihi despondes filiam?
(_doubtfully_) Well now, do you mean I am to have your daughter?
_Eucl._
Illis legibus, cum illa dote quam tibi dixi.
On the understanding she goes with the dowry I mentioned.
_Mega._
Sponden ergo?
You consent, then?
_Eucl._
Spondeo.
I consent.
_Mega._
Di bene vertant.
And may God prosper us!
_Eucl._
Ita di faxint. illud facito ut memineris convenisse ut ne quid dotis mea ad te afferret filia.
Yes, yes,--and mind you remember our agreement about the dowry: she doesn’t bring you a single penny.
_Mega._
Memini.
I remember.
_Eucl._
At scio quo vos soleatis pacto perplexarier. pactum non pactum est, non pactum pactum est, quod vobis lubet. 260
But I know the way you folks have of juggling things: now it’s on and now it’s off, now it’s off and now it’s on, just as you like.
_Mega._
Nulla controversia mihi tecum erit. sed nuptias num quae causa est quin faciamus hodie?
You shall have no occasion to quarrel with me. But about the marriage--there’s no reason for not having it to-day, is there?
_Eucl._
Immo edepol optuma.
Dear, dear, no! The very thing, the very thing!
_Mega._
Ibo igitur, parabo. numquid me vis?
I’ll go and make arrangements, then, (_turning to leave_) Anything else I can do?
_Eucl._
Istuc. ei et vale.
Only that. Go along. Good-bye.
_Mega._
Heus, Pythodice, sequere propere me ad macellum strenue.
(_calling at the door of his house_) Hey, Pythodicus! quick! [_ENTER Pythodicus_] Down to the market with me--come, look alive! [EXEUNT.
_Eucl._
Illic hinc abiit. di immortales, obsecro, aurum quid valet.[1] (265) id inhiat, ea affinitatem hanc obstinavit gratia. (267) Ubi tu es, quae deblateravisti iam vicinis omnibus, meae me filiae daturum dotem? heus, Staphyla, te voco. ecquid audis?
(_looking after them_) He’s gone! Ah, ye immortal gods, doesn’t money count! That is what he’s gaping after. That is why he’s so set on being my son-in-law. (_goes to the door and calls_) Where are you, you blabber, telling the whole neighbourhood I’m going to give my daughter a dowry! Hi-i! Staphyla! It’s you I’m calling. Can’t you hear!
II. 3.
## Scene 3.
ENTER _Staphyla_.
_Eucl._
Vascula intus pure propera atque elue: 270 filiam despondi ego: hodie huic nuptum Megadoro dabo.
Hurry up with the dishes inside there and give them a good scouring. I have betrothed my daughter: she marries Megadorus here to-day.
_Staph._
Di bene vortant. verum ecastor non potest, subitum est nimis.
God bless them! (_hastily_) Goodness, though! It can’t be done. This is too sudden.
_Eucl._
Tace atque abi. curata fac sint cum a foro redeam domum; atque aedis occlude; iam ego hic adero.
Silence! Off with you! Have things ready by the time I get back from the forum. And lock the door, mind; I shall be here soon. [EXIT Euclio.
_Staph._
Quid ego nunc agam? nunc nobis prope adest exitium, mi atque erili filiae, nunc probrum atque partitudo prope adest ut fiat palam; quod celatum atque occultatum est usque adhuc, nunc non potest. ibo intro, ut erus quae imperavit facta, cum veniat, sient. nam ecastor malum maerore metuo ne mixtum bibam.
What shall I do now? Now we’re all but ruined, the young mistress and me: now it’s all but public property about her being disgraced and brought to bed. We can’t conceal it, we can’t keep it dark any longer now. But I must go in and do what master ordered me before he gets back. Oh deary me! I’m afraid I’ve got to take a drink of trouble and tribulation mixed. [EXIT _Staphyla_ INTO HOUSE.
II. 4.
## Scene 4.
(_An hour has elapsed._)
ENTER _Pythodicus_ BRINGING COOKS, _Anthrax_ AND _Congrio_, MUSIC GIRLS, _Phrygia_ AND _Eleusium_, AND ATTENDANTS, WITH PROVISIONS FROM THE MARKET AND TWO LAMBS.
_Pyth._
Postquam obsonavit erus et conduxit coquos 280 tibicinasque hasce apud forum, edixit mihi ut dispertirem obsonium hic bifariam.
(_importantly_) After master did the marketing and hired the cooks and these music girls at the forum, he told me to take and divide all he’d got into two parts.
_Anthr._
Me quidem hercle, dicam tibi palam, non divides. si quo tu totum me ire vis, operam dabo.
By Jupiter, you shan’t make two parts of me, let me tell you that plainly! If you’d like to have the whole of me anywhere, why, I’ll accommodate you.
_Cong._
Bellum et pudicum vero prostibulum popli. post si quis vellet, te hand non velles dividi.
(_to Anthrax_) You pretty boy, yes, you nice little everybody’s darling, you! Why, if anyone wanted to make two parts of a real man out of you, you oughtn’t to be cut up about it.
_Pyth._
Atque ego istuc, Anthrax, alio vorsum dixeram, non istuc quo tu insimulas. sed erus nuptias meus hodie faciet.
Now, now, Anthrax, I mean that otherwise from what you make out. Look here, my master’s marrying to-day.
_Anthr._
Cuius ducit filiam?
Who’s the lady?
_Pyth._
Vicini huius Euclionis senis e proximo. 290 ei adeo obsoni hinc iussit dimidium dari, cocum alterum itidemque alteram tibicinam.
Daughter of old Euclio that lives next door here. Yes sir, and what’s more, he’s to have half this stuff here, and one cook and one music girl, too, so master said.
_Anthr._
Nempe huc dimidium dicis, dimidium domum?
You mean to say half goes to him and half to you folks?
_Pyth._
Nempe sicut dicis.
Just what I do mean.
_Anthr._
Quid? hic non poterat de suo senex obsonari filiai nuptiis?
I say, couldn’t the old boy pay for the catering for his daughter’s wedding his own self?
_Pyth._
Vah.
(_scornfully_) Pooh!
_Anthr._
Quid negotist?
What’s the matter?
_Pyth._
Quid negoti sit rogas? pumex non aeque est aridus atque hic est senex.
The matter, eh? You couldn’t squeeze as much out of that old chap as you could out of a pumice stone.
_Anthr._
Ain tandem?
(_incredulously_) Oh, really now!
_Pyth._
Ita esse ut dixi. tute existuma: quin divom atque hominum clamat continue fidem,[2] suam rem periisse seque eradicarier, 300 de suo tigillo fumus si qua exit foras. quin cum it dormitum, follem obstringit ob gulam.
That’s a fact. Judge for yourself. Why, I tell you he begins bawling for heaven and earth to witness that he’s bankrupt, gone to everlasting smash, the moment a puff of smoke from his beggarly fire manages to get out of his house. Why, when he goes to bed he strings a bag over his jaws.
_Anthr._
Cur?
What for?
_Pyth._
Ne quid animae forte amittat dormiens.
So as not to chance losing any breath when he’s asleep.
_Anthr._
Etiamue obturat inferiorem gutturem, ne quid animai forte amittat dormiens?
Oh yes! And he puts a stopper on his lower windpipe, doesn’t he, so as not to chance losing any breath while he’s asleep?
_Pyth._
Haec mihi te ut tibi med aequom est, credo, credere.
(_ingenuously_) You should believe me, I believe, just as I should believe you.
_Anthr._
Immo equidem credo.
(_hurriedly_) Oh, no, no! I do believe, of course!
_Pyth._
At scin etiam quomodo? aquam hercle plorat, cum lavat, profundere.
But listen to this, will you? Upon my word, after he takes a bath it just breaks him all up to throw away the water.
_Anthr._
Censen talentum magnum exorari pote ab istoc sene ut det, qui fiamus liberi? 310
D’ye think the old buck could be induced to make us a present of a couple of hundred pounds to buy ourselves off with?
_Pyth._
Famem hercle utendam si roges, numquam dabit. quin ipsi pridem tonsor unguis dempserat: collegit, omnia abstulit praesegmina.
Lord! He wouldn’t make you a loan of his hunger, no sir, not if you begged him for it. Why, the other day when a barber cut his nails for him he collected all the clippings and took ’em home.
_Anthr._
Edepol mortalem parce parcum praedicas.
My goodness, he’s quite a tight one, from what you say.
_Pyth._
Censen vero adeo esse parcum et miserum vivere? pulmentum pridem ei eripuit milvos: homo ad praetorem plorabundus devenit; infit ibi postulare plorans, eiulans, ut sibi liceret milvom vadarier. sescenta sunt quae memorem, si sit otium. 320 sed uter vestrorum est celerior? memora mihi.
Honest now, would you believe a man could be so tight and live so wretched? Once a kite flew off with a bit of food of his: down goes the fellow to the magistrate’s, blubbering all the way, and there he begins, howling and yowling, demanding to have the kite bound over for trial. Oh, I could tell hundreds of stories about him if I had time. (_to both cooks_) But which of you is the quicker? Tell me that.
_Anthr._
Ego, et multo melior.
I am, and a whole lot better, too.
_Pyth._
Cocum ego, non furem rogo.
At cooking I mean, not thieving.
_Anthr._
Cocum ergo dico.
Well, I mean cooking.
_Pyth._
Quid tu ais?
(_to Congrio_) And how about you?
_Cong._
Sic sum ut vides.
(_with a meaning glance at Anthrax_) I’m what I look.
_Anthr._
Cocus ille nundinalest, in nonum diem solet ire coctum.
He’s nothing but a market-day cook, that chap: he only gets a job once a week.
_Cong._
Tun, trium litterarum homo me vituperas? fur.
You running me down, you? You five letter man, you! You T-H-I-E-F!
_Anthr._
Etiam fur, trifurcifer.
Five letter man youself! Yes, and five times--penned!
II. 5.
## Scene 5.
_Pyth._
Tace nunciam tu, atque agnum hinc uter est pinguior cape atque abi intro ad nos.
(_to Anthrax_) Come, come, shut up, you: and this fattest lamb here, (_pointing_) take it and go over to our house.
_Anthr._
Licet.
(_grinning triumphantly at Congrio_) Aye, aye, sir.
[EXIT _Anthrax_ INTO HOUSE OF _Megadorus_ LEADING LAMB.
_Pyth._
Tu, Congrio, quem illic reliquit agnum, eum sume atque abi [3]intro illuc, et vos illum sequimini. vos ceteri ite huc ad nos.
Congrio, you take this one he’s left (_pointing_) and go into that house there, (_pointing to Euclio’s_) and as for you, (_indicating some of the attendants_) you follow him. The rest of you come over to our house.
_Cong._
Hercle iniuria 330 dispertivisti: pinguiorem agnum isti habent.
Hang it! That’s no way to divide: they’ve got the fattest lamb.
_Pyth._
At nunc tibi dabitur pinguior tibicina. i sane cum illo, Phrugia. tu autem, Eleusium, huc intro abi ad nos.
Oh well, I’ll give you the fattest music girl. (_turning to girls_) That means you, Phrygia: you go with him. As for you, Eleusium, you step over to our place. [EXEUNT _Eleusium_ AND OTHERS INTO HOUSE OF _Megadorus_.
_Cong._
O Pythodice subdole, hucine detrusti me ad senem parcissimum? ubi si quid poscam, usque ad ravim poscam prius quam quicquam detur.
Oh, you’re a wily one, Pythodicus! Shoving me off on this old screw, eh? If I ask for anything there, I can ask myself hoarse before I get a thing.
_Pyth._
Stultus et sine gratia es. [4]tibi recte facere, quando quod facias perit.
An ungrateful blockhead is what you are. The idea of doing you a favour, when it’s only thrown away!
_Cong._
Qui vero?
Eh? How so?
_Pyth._
Rogitas? iam principio in aedibus turba istic nulla tibi erit: siquid uti voles, 340 domo abs te adferto, ne operam perdas poscere. his autem apud nos magna turba ac familia est supellex, aurum, vestis, vasa argentea:
How so? Well, in the first place there won’t be an uproarious gang in that house to get in your way: if you need anything, just you fetch it from home so as not to waste time asking for it. Here at our establishment, though, we do have a great big uproarious gang of servants, and knick-knackery and jewellery and clothes and silver plate lying about.
ibi si perierit quippiam--quod te scio facile abstinere posse, si nihil obviam est-- dicant: coqui abstulerunt, comprehendite, vincite, verberate, in puteum condite. horum tibi istic nihil eveniet: quippe qui ubi quid subripias nihil est. sequere hac me.
Now if anything was missing,--of course it’s easy for you to keep your hands off, provided there’s nothing in reach,-- they’d say: “The cooks got away with it! Collar ’em! Tie ’em up! Thrash ’em! Throw ’em in the dungeon!” Now over there (_pointing to Euclio’s_) nothing like this will happen to you--as there’s nothing at all about for you to filch. (_going toward Euclio’s house_) Come along.
_Cong._
Sequor.
(_sulkily_) Coming. (_he and the rest follow_)
II. 6.
## Scene 6.
_Pyth._
Heus, Staphyla, prodi atque ostium aperi.
(_knocking at door_) Hey! Staphyla! Come here and open the door.
_Staph._
Qui vocat? 350
(_within_) Who is it?
_Pyth._
Pythodicus.
Pythodicus.
_Staph._
Quid vis?
(_sticking her head out_) What do you want?
_Pyth._
Hos ut accipias coquos tibicinamque obsoniumque in nuptias. Megadorus iussit Euclioni haec mittere.
Take these cooks and the music girl and the supplies for the wedding festival. Megadorus told us to take ’em over to Euclio’s.
_Staph._
Cererin, Pythodice, has sunt facturi nuptias?
(_examining the provisions disappointedly_) Whose festival are they going to celebrate, Pythodicus? Ceres’?
_Pyth._
Qui?
Why hers?
_Staph._
Quia temeti nihil allatum intellego.
Well, no tipple’s[B] been brought, as I notice.
[Footnote B: The use of wine was forbidden at the festival called the _Cereris nuptiae_.]
_Pyth._
At iam afferetur, si a foro ipsus redierit.
But there’ll be some all right when the old gent gets back from the forum.
_Staph._
Ligna hic apud nos nulla sunt.
We haven’t got any firewood in the house.
_Cong._
Sunt asseres?
Any rafters in it?
_Staph_
Sunt pol.
Mercy, yes.
_Cong._
Sunt igitur ligna, ne quaeras foris.
There’s firewood in it, then: never mind going for any.
_Staph._
Quid, impurate? quamquam Volcano studes, cenaene causa aut tuae mercedis gratia 360 nos nostras aedis postulas comburere?
Hey? You godless thing! even though you are a devotee of Vulcan, do you want us to burn our house down, all for your dinner or your pay? (_advances on him_)
_Cong._
Haud postulo.
(_shrinking back_) I don’t, I don’t!
_Pyth._
Duc istos intro.
Take ’em inside.
_Staph._
Sequimini.
(_brusquely_) This way with you.
[EXEUNT _Congrio_ AND OTHERS INTO _Euclio’s_ HOUSE.
II. 7.
## Scene 7.
_Pyth._
Curate. ego intervisam quid faciant coqui; quos pol ut ego hodie servem, cura maxuma est. nisi unum hoc faciam, ut in puteo cenam coquant: inde coctam sursum subducemus corbulis.
(_as they leave_) Look out for things. (_starting for Megadorus’s house_) I’ll go see what the cooks are at. By gad, it’s the devil’s own job keeping an eye on those chaps. The only way is to make ’em cook dinner in the dungeon and then haul it up in baskets when it’s done.
si autem deorsum comedent, si quid coxerint, superi incenati sunt et cenati inferi. sed verba hic facio, quasi negoti nil siet, rapacidarum ubi tantum sit in aedibus. 370
Even so, though, if they’re down there gobbling up all they cook, it’s a case of starve in heaven and stuff in hell. But here I am gabbling away just as if there wasn’t anything to do, and the house all full of those young Grabbits. [EXIT _Pythodicus._
II. 8.
## Scene 8.
ENTER _Euclio_ FROM FORUM CARRYING A SMALL PACKAGE AND A FEW FORLORN FLOWERS.
_Eucl._
Volui animum tandem confirmare hodie meum, ut bene me haberem filiai nuptiis. venio ad macellum, rogito pisces: indicant caros; agninam caram, caram bubulam, vitulinam, cetum, porcinam: cara omnia. atque eo fuerunt cariora, aes non erat. abeo iratus illinc, quoniam nihil est qui emam.
Now I did want to be hearty to-day, and do the handsome thing for daughter’s wedding, yes I did. Off I go to the market--ask for fish! Very dear! And lamb dear... and beef dear... and veal and tunny and pork... everything dear, everything! Yes, and all the dearer for my not having any money! It just made me furious, and seeing I couldn’t buy anything, I up and left.
ita illis impuris omnibus adii manum. deinde egomet mecum cogitare intervias occepi: festo die si quid prodegeris, 380 profesto egere liceat, nisi peperceris. postquam, hanc rationem ventri cordique edidi, accessit animus ad meam sententiam, quam minimo sumptu filiam ut nuptum darem.
That’s how I circumvented ’em, the whole dirty pack of ’em. Then I began to reason things out with myself as I walked along. “Holiday feasting makes everyday fasting,” says I to myself, “unless you economize.” After I’d put the case this way to my stomach and heart, my mind supported my motion to cut down daughter’s wedding expenses just as much as possible.
nunc tusculum emi hoc et coronas floreas: haec imponentur in foco nostro Lari, ut fortunatas faciat gnatae nuptias. sed quid ego apertas aedis nostras conspicor? et strepitust intus. numnam ego compilor miser?
Now I’ve bought a little frankincense here and some wreaths of flowers: we’ll put ’em on the hearth in honour of our Household God, so that he may bless daughter’s marriage. (_looking toward house_) Eh! What’s my door open for? A clattering inside, too! Oh. mercy on us! It can’t be burglars, can it?
_Cong._
Aulam maiorem, si pote, ex vicinia 390 pete: haec est parva, capere non quit.
(_within, to an attendant_) See if you can’t get a bigger pot from one of the neighbours: this here’s a little one: it won’t hold it all.
_Eucl._
Ei mihi, perii hercle. aurum rapitur, aula quaeritur.[5] (392) Apollo, quaeso, subveni mi atque adiuva, (394) confige sagittis fures thensaurarios, si cui in re tali iam subvenisti antidhac. sed cesso prius quam prorsus perii currere?
Oh, my God! my God! I’m ruined! They’re taking my gold! They’re after my pot! Oh, oh, Apollo, help me, save me! Shoot your arrows through them, the treasure thieves, if you’ve ever helped a man in such a pinch before! But I must rush in before they ruin me entirely! [EXIT _Euclio_.
II. 9.
## Scene 9.
ENTER _Anthrax_ FROM HOUSE OF _Megadorus_.
_Anthr._
Dromo, desquama piscis. tu, Machaerio, congrum, murenam exdorsua quantum potest. ego hinc artoptam ex proximo utendam peto 400 a Congrione. tu istum gallum, si sapis, glabriorem reddes mihi quam volsus ludiust.
(_to servants inside_) Dromo, scale the fish. As for you, Machaerio, you bone the conger and lamprey as fast as you know how. I’m going over next door to ask Congrio for the loan of a bread pan. And you there! if you know what’s good for you, you won’t hand me back that rooster till it’s plucked cleaner than a ballet dancer.
sed quid hoc clamoris oritur hinc ex proximo? coqui hercle, credo, faciunt officium suom. fugiam intro, ne quid turbae hic itidem fuat.
(_sound of scuffle in Euclio’s house_) Hallo, though! What’s the row in the house next door? Hm! the cooks settling down to business, I reckon! I’ll hustle back, or we’ll be having a rumpus at our place, too. [EXIT.
## ACTVS III
## ACT III
ENTER _Congrio_ AND HIS ASSOCIATES TUMBLING OUT OF _Euclio’s_ HOUSE, SLAMMING DOOR BEHIND THEM.
_Cong._
Attatae! cives,[6] populares, incolae, accolae, advenae omnes, date viam qua fugere liceat. facite totae plateae pateant. neque ego umquam nisi hodie ad Bacchas veni in Bacchanal coquinatum, ita me miserum et meos discipulos fustibus male contuderunt. totus doleo atque oppido perii, ita me iste habuit senex gymnasium; 410
(_in burlesque panic_) Hi-i-i! Citizens, natives, inhabitants, neighbours, foreigners, every one--give me room to run! Open up! Clear the street! (_stopping at some distance from the house_) This is the first time I ever came to cook for Bacchantes at a Bacchante den. Oh dear, what an awful clubbing I and my disciples did get! I’m one big ache! I’m dead and gone! The way that old codger took me for a gymnasium!
attat, perii hercle ego miser, aperit bacchanal. adest, 411a sequitur. scio quam rem geram: hoc ipsus magister me docuit. 412a neque ligna ego usquam gentium praeberi vidi pulchrius, itaque omnis exegit foras, me atque hos, onustos fustibus.
(_Euclio’s door opens and he appears, cudgel in hand_) Oh-- ow--ow! Good Lord be merciful! I’m done for! He’s opening the den; he’s at the door; he’s after me! I know what I’ll do: (_retires_) he’s taught me my lesson, my master has. I never in all my life saw a place where they were freer handed with their wood: (_rubbing his shoulders_) why, when he drove the lot of us out he let us have big sticks of it, all we could stagger under.
III. 2.
## Scene 2.
_Eucl._
Redi. quo fugis nunc? tene, tene.
(_going into street_) Come back! Where are you running to now? Stop him, stop him!
_Cong._
Quid, stolide, clamas?
What are you yelling for, stupid?
_Eucl._
Quia ad tris viros iam ego deferam nomen tuom.
Because I am going to report your name to the police this instant.